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Pink-on-shadow

by Lhexa

"When Creation was young, every person took whatever form they wanted, whenever they wanted, whether driven by need or desire. However, most abused this power, basing their forms on mere convenience. When they wanted to run a long distance, they became a wolf; when they wanted to swim, they became an otter; when they felt cold, they became an elk; and so on. Worse, many used this power to deceive and manipulate others. This is why we have the saying, 'You will know a man by his scars.'"

My companions were attentive. I am not a good storyteller: I mumble and digress. But tonight I was doing well. "Thus, the power was taken away, and now we are what we are today. Supposedly every person now had the form that suited them most, though I imagine some were very unhappy with their fixed bodies. After all, they could no longer use these bodies to flatter and lie. In time, we separated ourselves into the nations we have today."

Seven eager faces from three such nations had joined me on the lake: three from Wolf, two from Otter, and two from my own Elk. We sat far from shore so that no one could listen, and so that we could see the bright night sky.

"Our values as a culture developed from this rebuke, to see the benefit in not having this power to change. It is why we value permanence over transience, legacy over festivity, ambition over whimsy, building over sewing and weaving, the written word over the spoken word, male over female..."

"Men are not better than women," Anta, elk, huffed beside me. By their expressions, all seven women agreed.

"Not by nature, no," I replied, and left it at that. I had started to digress, and had lost track of where I was going, so I skipped to what I had memorized.

"Can you be content with sight secondhand? Will you value silver over gold, the reflection over the cause? Will you serve the lesser Light instead - and I do mean instead - of the greater?" I was not prompting them to nod, but every woman did.

I continued. "Before I first came to the moon, I was told that the lesser Light existed for balance: that servants of the greater Light tended towards arrogance and domination, and would become tyrants without our presence. There's something to that; it's a role we fill.

"Now, though, I think it's simpler. The sun shines for everyone, but... when I'm alone at night I feel the moon shines for me alone. It is the lesser Light not because it is inferior or counterbalancing, but because, unlike the sun, it does not shine for all.

"The aspects are not power and balance, nor even day and night, but public and private. Everyone has a public relationship with the divine, expressed by the laws of morality and mediated by church and prophet. Some also have a private relationship with the divine. For a few - myself, and I hope y'all as well - our private responsibilities, that only we and God know, may overrule the public ones and lead us into conflict. The lesser Light is that which is set aside for us and our individual tasks. It is little, but it is enough."

All seven seemed eager to be here, as far as I could see under the moonlight. Only the wolves worried me. They were split into two and one, and I thought I detected animosity.

I steadied my nerves. If there was animosity, it would be expelled before long. "Now, each of you. Tell me why you are here."

Anta, that lovely elk, went first. "A year ago, I went on a vision hunt. It led me moonward. I've been studying under Laura ever since." She rolled her broad shoulders in a shrug. "Is there anything else to say?"

"A hunt?" Balo, wolf, frowned at the herbivore. "You go on hunts?"

"Normally, no," Anta frowned back at the wolf. "That's why they're vision hunts."

Alce, elk, went next, before the two could say more. "Before you joined us," she started, nodding at me, "we elks had another moon shaman. She saved my life. She helped me when everyone else refused. That's the kind of person I want to be: someone who will do the right thing when even Sun, in His bigotry, refuses to."

Anta touched Alce's shoulder. The two looked nervous at even such light contact, but the otters nearby seemed to reassure them. The two otters were cuddling without sign of guilt.

One otter, Sally, rushed to fill the pause. "One night I felt restless, so I went walking in the forest. I saw a strange man there. He had fine fur; I think he was some kind of deer. There's a pond I like near the river. I followed him to the pond, and watched him walk onto the water. When he reached the reflection of the moon - it was a full moon - he vanished. It was exactly like here tonight." Sally gestured around, joyful.

The other otter, Nuria, rubbed her face. "I was worried about Sally, so I followed her. I saw him too." She paused. "You said we didn't have to be certain, just... willing to find out. So I came with her, and... now that I'm here I don't want to be any place else." Her joy was more subdued than Sally's, but it heartened me to see it.

The wolf Mosa, isolated from the other two, spoke before them. "It felt right," she said. "It feels right, and... you didn't say no."

Balo tossed her a scornful glance, confirming the hostility I had perceived. Her story went, "I have always known that I am for the Moon. Our divinations confirm it. I am here to be what I am to be."

She looked to the last wolf, Guadalupe. Guadalupe, white-furred, hesitated. After a good half minute of rallying her thoughts, she said, "I... like to sing. That's all. Mostly to myself, sometimes to others. At some point I found that when I sing below the moon, there's a... resonance, I'll call it. I know, a wolf howling to the moon, right? Anyway, when you gave your speech I thought I would see if there's anything to it. To the moon and me, I mean." She leaned over and patted the water. "...And apparently there is."

My turn. "I am here because I had a vision of war. I saw our three nations fall upon each other, and I saw three representatives of the sun burn each other alive.

"It is strange that I placed so much weight on privacy only to gather eight strangers, but the vision offered this night as a solution, a way to avert war. For once, our goddess seeks you. I thought it was always the other way around, but the need is dire, truly a matter of life or death."

Balo jumped to her feet. She pointed at Mosa, the wolf apart. "If it's a matter of life and death, then why is that -"

Balo fell through the water's surface too fast for eyes to follow. Anta responded first. She grabbed the pack I wore and yanked it off my shoulders, nearly wrenching them. The elk opened the pack, pulled out the life preserver taking up most of its space, and threw it to the floundering wolf, while the others were still rising in confusion. To her credit, Balo grabbed the preserver and soon adopted a steady tread: she had not panicked.

Hesitation might risk the others. I moved in front of Balo, and kneeled. I loomed over the wolf, who was neck-deep in the lake.

"I hope you understand," I said, voice pitched low, "everything taken place here is private." A moment, then the wolf nodded. She pushed the life preserver away, and swam to shore with long athletic strokes.

Once we were all seated again, I resumed as if nothing had happened. "I glimpsed minor events in the next year that will cascade into much larger conflicts. Mostly the vision showed me what I was to do. Our Light needs representatives not only in Elk, but in Wolf and Otter too, and there is not enough time for the normal path of discovery, initiation and training.

"Nonetheless, while your duties will be profound, I am happy to say that they are years away. Your growth as individuals will be hastened, but not disregarded. You will have enough time to understand your abilities and obligations, though not enough time to become comfortable with them. My thirty years of service have led me to some dark places, but in the end the joy has always outweighed the suffering. It will be the same for you."

I looked around. There was green ashore, blue below, orange, brown, gray, white at hand, black above. Even at Her best She cannot provide enough light for such colors. No, this was one of the wonderful moments in which they jump from the bottom of my mind to overlay the shadows. In that double light I see new colors. With a conscious effort I pulled my attention from the colors below, synesthesia threatening.

"I will take you one by one to the center of the lake to meet Her. She may or may not offer a boon. She_will_, however, ask for a commitment, whether lesser or greater I do not know. There is no dishonor in saying no, and if you say no you may still say yes later. If you say yes, new duties and new joys await you. I see there are two of each of you. Each pair will have to make a difficult --"

With a roar of water Alce, in sheer animal panic, was drowning. The otters, bless them, were there instantly, their grips half dragging them under since the thrashing water denied them footing. The wolves were soon behind, and after a struggle the four held Alce partly above the water. Like me, Anta had responded slowly; like me, she was crying.

Anta knelt before Alce. She moved to hug Alce, but Alce jerked back. "What happened?" Anta asked her lover instead.

Alce, still coughing water, could not meet Anta's eyes, and instead looked up, moonward. Minutes passed, then: "I judged. That's all. I judged."

Minutes more, and Alce, life preserver gripped tightly, was swimming back to shore with short awkward strokes. A dark figure waited for her there. Balo might have been an oversight, but I had no excuse for my own apprentice failing. The failure was mine, and I did not know how to continue.

Sally rescued me then, with empathy and understanding surpassing her years. I have considered recounting our conversation, but it would extend the length of this retelling. I should have comforted Anta, but I did not.

Once we had resumed, Sally prompted, "You mentioned obligations. Would you tell us more about them?"

"They're... more like etiquette, I think. Not really rules, but hard to describe without using rules. Like, if you see the full moon's reflection in a bucket of water, do not toss or use it until the moon has set. You can learn the minor things later. For the important things, what our Light asks of you will be different for each of you, with one commonality.

"The commonality was first explained to me in a strange way. It went something like this. 'After She accomplishes Her wyrd, She seeks new refuge. Your body is Her refuge: keep it sanct for Her.' This means --"

"No sex?!" yelped Guadalupe, quick of thought. I laughed. I was glad to laugh.

"Sex is fine," I replied. "No childbirth."

Hearing a muffled sob, I and the others turned to Nuria. Her woeful expression turned to one of panic, and she thrashed about for a moment on the water, expecting to fall through. She calmed herself, but could not meet anyone's gaze.

"I take it you want children?" I asked. The otter nodded. "Do you know who you want as their father?" She shook her head.

"You're fine, then." The otter's relief matched my own. "Earlier I talked about 'lesser and greater' commitments. The difference is that She releases you from the lesser ones. They may depend on a task, or a period of time. She often demands four seasons or twelve. If it is noble to serve Her for a lifetime, it is noble to serve Her for a year. You're fine."

"What about you, Sally?" I asked the other otter, since the two seemed to come as a pair.

She rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't have had the chance." Was she unattractive by otter standards? I couldn't tell. I think all otters are cute.

Guadalupe frowned. "Then, if a man comes to Her, what..."

I coughed in embarrassment. "Men serve Her in different ways." Sun and moon each have male and female aspects, but I felt I had already wasted time in explanation. It was time to start.

Anta would go last. She needed time to think about Alce, and she had enough experience to commune even if the moonlight grew dim toward morning. Mosa would go first, to reassure the others. Also, at the lake's center I would have to say something different to each woman, and I felt I had a good idea what to say to the wolf.

"Come with me," I told Mosa. We rose, and she walked behind me. We headed toward the center of the lake. Despite Alce, I felt cheerful, but when I turned to see if the wolf still followed, the cheer was dimmed by her expression of dread.

We stopped when the silver glow at the periphery of my vision threatened to blind me. Having come this far, Mosa was safe, she would not fall through, but nothing I said would make her know that. I elected to save pity for later. "You will have to be naked," I told the wolf.

Mosa's expression was despairing, but she obeyed. Articles of clothing came off. Skirt, shirt, pendant, shoes, last of all padded undergarments, went into my arms in a loose bundle. Did she think I had not noticed? Apparently so. It hurt to see her abjection, the expectation of rejection written so clearly on her face.

"There is a garden whose soil only you can touch. Plant a seed there. With it, seal yourself to Her service."

I walked away. Clouds had gathered since dusk. They amused me. They were distinctly burned away above the lake, firm dim bulks ending in moonlit wisps where the water started. It is not always a cold light. I looked back to Mosa, who stared at me uncomprehending.

"Don't worry, I won't be watching," I hastened to add. "Lay on your back and look up. You'll know what to do. You can dip your hand in the water first, that might help."

Mosa stared a moment more, then her pointed ears blushed, pink-on-shadow. I suppressed a laugh, backed some distance away, and sat with my back to her. Ideally I would not have been here at all, but with this much power in the air someone had to stand guard.

I once knew a coyote who liked to babble. I found it soothing to listen to him. Maybe it would soothe Mosa too. "Were you curious why a fox is part of the Elk nation? After the power to change bodies was taken away, we various kinds came to appreciate that each form has its own strengths and advantages. In that time before nations a lion was king. I don't know why, maybe being regal is what lions are naturally good at. This lion stood in judgment of all other kinds.

"One day the lion summoned a fox to his court. After studying the fox, the lion said, 'You have the tail and muzzle of a wolf, but you are not a wolf. You have the eyes and paws of a cat, but you are not a cat. You climb trees like a marten, but you are not a marten. Clearly you were one of those who wanted the powers of every animal and the duties of none. You are a liar and a thief, marked as such by your sneer.'" I had to regather my thoughts. I was making the myth too personal. "They say this is why we never formed a nation, why we are often distrusted. Some like to mock us by saying that foxes still believe in transformation.

"As it happens... I do. I do not worship the aspect of constance, but that of change. My patron governs that old magic, and still permits a small amount of it, usually in boons. For instance, she has given me the ability to change my coat. I can pass for an arctic or cross fox, if I put my mind to it. Of course, I have to wait for the new fur to grow in, so it's usually not worth the effort, and I -"

I could hear a faint, rhythmic tapping sound, and there were more ripples passing me than those caused by the wind, so I focused on everything in front of me, trying to provide privacy despite my presence. I am still not good at centering, but I became better at it that night.

The undergarments no longer fit at all, so Mosa giddily threw them as far as she could over the lake. I imagine some denizen of the far shore puzzled over them. Our walk back to the others was very slow, for Mosa found every step in her new body a delight to be savored. When Guadalupe saw Mosa she smiled, so I knew things would be okay between them.

I smiled at Nuria. "Come with me."