Chapter 17

Max felt his world turn and he awoke with the Alius's words still ringing in his ears. He curled up tighter on his mat, grimacing as he quietly cried. He knew in his head that what he'd experienced wasn't real, but that didn't make the experience any less horrible. All it managed to do was seed doubt in the idea that his siblings were now dead.

He clenched his teeth and uncurled himself, fighting hard to regain his composure. He stood on unsteady legs before shuffling out of the session room, making his way listlessly to the dining hall. Out of habit, Max sat beside Alva once he was there. He barely noticed that they did not get up and leave, instead remaining silent.

He ate slowly, listlessly, Alva leaving wordlessly before he'd even finished half of his food. He watched them leave, feeling a fresh wave of melancholy. By the time he'd finished, the dining hall was largely empty. He stood, feeling the urge to be someplace private for a while. Someplace he could break down in safety.

That drove Max to his room. He only manged to get his vest unlaced before the tears started falling again, this time uninhibited. He leaned against the dresser, sobbing as quietly as he could manage into his arm. When he was done, the only thing he felt was despair tainted by exhaustion. He finished changing his clothes and climbed in bed, hoping to succumb to dreamless sleep. But sleep eluded him. In the silent darkness of the room, he continued to hear the burbling death-throes of his siblings. Sometimes he could've swore he heard them accusing him of letting them die. When they were particularly loud, he burst into a fresh round of tears. He wished then, more than he ever wished for it, that he'd never known he could be a magician. That he could be back home with his family, living out his life in relative peace, not here far from home and being subjected to the worst nightmares he could imagine having, with only a vague promise that it will end eventually and a guarantee that it will only continue to get worse until then.

Some time passed, Max guessed an hour, before he gave up and climbed out of bed, throwing one of his tunics on. He was feeling too restless, too anxious to sleep. For lack of anything more physical to do to utterly exhaust himself, he stepped out of his room, intending to make a few laps of the Academy grounds. To his surprise, he saw Alva was sitting on the couch, staring listlessly at the fire. He paused for several seconds, but though he stood there for an uncomfortably long time, they didn't even so much as acknowledge him. Feeling a flash of anger and hurt, Max left without a word, striding away from the house with a purpose he didn't have. Thankfully, the moon was bright in the sky, and he had no trouble seeing as he followed the castle's wall.

The walking in the cooling night air took the edge off of Max's anxiety. Doing something made processing the tumult in his gut a little easier, and being away from the dead silence of his room made the echos of his sibling's dying breaths a little bit quieter. He knew it wasn't real, but he found himself struggling to really believe it. None of the dreams had hit something quite so dear to him before, and the Alius had promised that next time it would be his parents. He wasn't sure he could handle seeing his parents killed in front of him, even knowing it wasn't real.

Feeling a rising urge to grab his things and run away from the Academy and back home, consequences be damned, he shifted his thoughts away from what tomorrow would bring and onto the next most easily available topic: Alva, and their frosty attitude towards him. He'd thought and thought about what he'd said each night, trying to understand what he'd said that would anger them so, and every time he came up empty-handed. That frustrated him to no end, the not understanding. At least if he understood why, perhaps he could understand why they was punishing him so, maybe even accept it as just. Without that explanation, he was left in a terrible mix of despair, bewilderment, and frustration, because that meant he was such a bad friend that he'd clumsily, without even realizing what exactly he'd done, stuck a pin deep in the only person he could call 'friend'. If that was true, then he deserved every last bit of the lashing Alva was giving him.

This very thought forced him to lean against the outer wall as he wept, his emotional state too unbalanced to even begin to try and stop the tears. It was to echos of the thought that he was a total failure at doing anything except working in the fields that he went back to his and Alva's shared quarters, wanting to try and sleep again, sleep until he couldn't go back to session and he could go home the failure that he was.

Max pushed open the front door, walking towards his room, Alva still ignoring him. He made it to the door, but stopped just short of opening it. He swallowed hard, feeling like he was about to burst. Then, to his own surprise, he broke the silence. "I'm sorry Alva." He said quietly, staring at his feet. Max didn't see it, but the statement earned him a glance from Alva. "I know I'm a horrible friend. I must be, given how much I seem to have hurt you, but I don't understand." He sniffed, puffy eyes watering again. "I don't understand why I hurt you, and that makes me a horrible person, but how could you ask that of me? How could you ask me to lay with you? Don't you understand the importance of that act? What it would've meant?" He took a shuddering breath, feeling overwhelmed again with emotion. "I'm sorry. Imsorryimsorryimsorry." He blurted before diving into his room, slamming the door behind him before Alva could see any of the fresh tears.

He flopped over on his bed, curling up with his back to the door as he started sobbing again. It had been the right thing to do, he was just confirming that he understood what he'd been told by them when all of this started. This was, by far, the worst day of his life.

His ear twitched when he heard the door creak open, dim firelight pouring into Max's dark room. He instantly tried to quiet his sobbing, but couldn't make it any quieter than a whimper.

Alva's voice was almost a whisper, it was so quiet. "Are you asleep, Max?"

Max shook his head slowly against his pillow. "No." He said, his voice scratchy.

Max heard Alva step in to the room, the door squeaking closed behind them and cutting off the light in the room. Max felt his bed shift as Alva took a seat on the corner of the bed. They were silent for a few seconds. "I don't understand, Max. You say I don't understand the importance of sharing bodily pleasure, yet you were the one who turned me down, with all the connotations that has. Why? Why did you turn me down?"

Max sniffed mightily. "Because I was terrified of what would happen if anyone found out. No one's supposed to have sex outside of marriage, right? I saw what happened to Tom when he got caught with Ellie, and I'm terrified of that happening to me."

Alva's voice betrayed unease. "What happened to them?"

"They were run out of the village, the both of them. Tom's land was split between the Murphys and the Gages."

"Over sex?" Alva breathed.

"Yep."

"Gods..." Alva whispered. "Is it like that here?" They said, sounding deeply worried.

Max sighed. "I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. I think they keep the sexes separate for a reason."

Alva sighed, going quiet for almost a minute. "It seems that I owe you an apology, Max."

Max froze, almost not daring to believe what he was hearing. "You...what?"

"I owe you an apology for what appears to be an absolutely colossal misunderstanding. I...things are so different here." They said, making an exhausted sigh. "I try hard to keep to the customs of this land, but it's so hard, Max. Sex is so...fundamental, I suppose, that it just...really hurt me to be turned down so."

"Why?"

"Max, you have to understand that where I come from sex is, for the most part, a common thing. It's not something one would do with just anyone, but it's nowhere near as restrictive as what you describe. In some respects, it's even a mandatory courtesy. So, to turn down an offer of sex, especially as, well, as clumsily as you did, felt as if you'd slapped me in the face. I was offering myself as a sign of our friendship, so when you told me you weren't 'interested', I was forced to come to one of two conclusions. Either you had been lying to me before about nudity, and you truly did think I was disgustingly ugly..." Alva went quiet for a second before continuing. "...or you were trying to tell me, in a not-so-subtle way, that you did not consider us to be on friendly terms, and I had clearly not gotten the message prior to then. I didn't think you were lying about nudity, so I was forced to conclude you didn't consider me a friend in any capacity, hence why I tried to give you what I thought you wanted: distance from me. Evidently, I was wrong." Max felt their scaly hand on his calf. "For that, I'm truly sorry." Alva's voice quavered. "I was too hurt and scared to even try and mend what I thought was an unmendable relationship. Can you forgive me?"

Max had been holding it together up to that point, but with Alva asking for his forgiveness, he burst into tears again. He heard Alva curse under their breath. "Oh, Max, I can't say anything right, can I?"

Max laughed weakly between his tears. "No, you said everything right. It's just been a horrible day, that's all."

Alva breathed a long sigh of relief. "Thank the gods, I thought I'd messed everything up again. What happened? Was it the Alius's dream?"

Max swallowed. "It's been a long week so far. The Alius's stopped holding anything back anymore, it seems."

Max told Alva of the last five days of the Alius's nightmares. Of being unable to tell the dream from the real world, his discovery of how to determine he was in the Alius's world. He told Alva of watching his siblings die, of being unable to choose one or the other to kill and thus killing them both. Of the promise that come morning Max would have to watch his parents die.

Alva was quiet until Max finished, gently rubbing the fur on Max's leg as they listened, Max not minding the touch for once. "It does sound like you've had a long week." Alva said softly.

"Yeah." Max said, his voice barely a whisper. Having felt like he'd cried enough for a lifetime, Max rolled over and started to stand.

"Where are you going?" Alva asked.

"To the parlor. I don't think I'll be able to sleep for a while yet."

Alva barked a laugh. "I'll join you. I'm not much interested in sleep either, though we can still rest in the lounges." They said, following Max into the parlor.

They both stretched out on the two lounge chairs, facing the fire. Both of them stared at the fire. In the quiet, Max's thoughts started to wander back to what was waiting for him tomorrow, so he asked Alva, "So, how have the Alius's nightmares been for you? You haven't said much about what you've been experiencing."

Alva shifted in their seat. "They've been...fine."

Max sighed. "I wish mine were just 'fine'." He didn't resent Alva, so much as genuinely wished it was that way for him.

Alva laughed softly. "Oh, they're not light and happy. But they aren't anything I haven't seen before."

Max shifted to look at them. "What do you mean?"

Alva didn't say anything for a while. Max was about to repeat what he'd said when they spoke again. "They started when I was eight, the nightmares did. It wasn't the kind of nightmare that you wake up from, and then breathe a sigh of relief that it was over, that it was all a dream and you could go back to sleep knowing you were safe. I would've done anything for those dreams. No, it was the kind of nightmare that leaves you in a blind panic, the kind that makes you think that a dresser is a stumpy monster, and sibling's hands, trying to grab you and calm you down, tell you everything is okay, are weeping witches cackling in delight, trying to strangle you. All you know is fear, and you lay there screaming because you think nothing in the world could possibly save you from the shadows coming to snuff your life out. Only an eternity later do you start to come out of it and realize that it had been a dream, but it doesn't matter. The shadows still lurk just outside of candlelight, waiting to seize you again once you fall asleep, so you don't sleep. Or try not to, anyways."

Alva looked more exhausted than ever, as Max looked more closely at them. "That's...horrible."

"You're telling me." They said, giving Max a faint smile, which immediately faded. "Exhausting is a better word for it, I think. It got a little better as I got older. Most nights I slept with Yella, my oldest sibling. It was rare I had the nightmares then, and when they did happen, things went easier. Something about sleeping right next to someone always eased my mind so I could sleep. Maybe it was just the feeling that someone was watching over me. By the time I was 15, they'd mostly stopped, save for a week every once in a while, as if to remind me that they'd never really gone away. Even those nights I would climb into bed with whichever sibling happened to still be at home."

"So, that night you woke me up screaming...?"

"Was one of those nightmares, yes. I've been better about not disturbing you since then, that one just caught me off guard." They gave Max another weak smile.

"Wait, you've had more than one?"

Alva swallowed hard. "I've...I've been having them almost every night, not long after we started the training sessions." Alva let out a bitter laugh. "It's funny, I actually think the Alius's nightmares aren't worse than those I experienced at night. At least in there I knew it was a dream, that none of it was real and I would be waking up shortly. Actually dreaming though, I can't tell I'm dreaming. It's so exhausting to have never ending nightmares, though. I can't tell you how many times I've nodded off in the last week at meals, only to wake myself up a couple minutes later before the terrors started again."

Max looked away from Alva, feeling guilty for not being there for them. "I'm sorry."

They laughed softly. "It's hardly your fault I have horrible nightmares. It's just hard not having the things I used to have to deal with it, my nightly tea being the only small relief I have."

Max nodded. They fell silent again. Given what they'd just said, Max knew what he needed to do, even though it was far from his preference. "Alva, do you want to share a lounge with me, to help you sleep?"

Their eyes glanced back at Max. They chewed the inside of their lip, as if thinking hard. They let out a long sigh, of relief or resignation Max wasn't sure. "Yes, I would, thank you."

Max scooted backwards as Alva stood, stretching out on the lounge in front of Max. They were not shy about pressing their back against Max's front, their body warm through the thin nightshift. He felt a little flush of heat from their body so close to his, but that was quashed by the awkwardness of what to do with his arms, until Alva gently guided Max to wrap them around their chest, Alva crossing their arms above Max's.

Alva sighed again. This time, Max was sure it was of relief. "That feels so much better. Gods, I'm tired." They said, yawning.

Max couldn't help but yawn too, though he guessed he would not be sleeping much tonight, between having Alva right next to him and thinking about what tomorrow promised. Sure enough, though, Alva was sound asleep a minute after talking. Max slept only fitfully through the night, waking up repeatedly thinking that it was time to get up, only to find that it was still a good ways from dawn. As far as he could tell, Alva didn't so much as stir all night.

He was awake when the light of dawn started creeping through the windows into the house, feeding Max's dread. He lay still as long as he dared, wanting to delay what was to come as long as he possibly could. Only once it was clear the sun had fully risen did Max move gently, hoping to rouse Alva, but they didn't so much as move.

"Alva? We gotta get up." Max murmured.

Max heard a sharp intake of breath, Alva shifting in front of him. "Urgh, do we have to? I was sleeping so well..." They grumbled.

"As much as I don't want to go, I need to go."

They unfolded their arms, rubbing their eyes. "Very well. I guess I ought to go too."

Alva climbed off the lounge slowly, stretching gracefully before heading off to their room. Max got up too, shaking out the arm that was terribly asleep, before going to his room and changing clothes, trying to ignore the churning in his gut. In the dining hall, he couldn't even muster up the gumption to make himself eat, instead choosing to stare listlessly at the tabletop, trying not to feel like a prisoner scheduled for execution.

Alva seemed to guess what Max was thinking. They put their arm around Max, pulling him close. "Oh, I know you're dreading what's coming, but I know you can make it through it. I'll be waiting for you afterwards."

When Max was handed his vial of Focal in the training room, he stared at it for what felt like an eternity, his hands shaking violently as his eyes started watering. He could remember no time in his life that he was more terrified than he was then. Alva put their hand on Max's knee, not saying anything. But the little bit of solidarity gave Max the impetus to down his vial, nearly spitting the contents back up his stomach was so upset. But, he managed to keep it down, laying down on his mat, silently crying as he faded into the Alius's dream world.