FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Okay. This is a relatively old story, and also quite short and pointless. Unlike most of my older things, I haven't revised it much since I wrote it, so the quality might be somewhat lower than my other stories (it was during my thick-chokey-inundation-of-description phase). The grammar and that stuff ought to be just fine, it's not that old T..T. However, I think it's rather pretty in spite of how I've moved on stylistically, and though I don't want to devote time to rewriting it, I thought a few other people might like it. I wasn't sure whether to put it in clean or adult - it talks about sex, but nothing happens. I almost put it in adult, but I didn't feel right labeling it M/M. If it doesn't belong in clean, I'm sorry.

Also, it's a songfic, which for me means I was listening to one song on repeat while I wrote it and it's probably heavily influenced by said song. Guess the song correctly and you get one (1) cookie and will be entered in a drawing to win three (3) internets.

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"Hey."

Meyi opened his eyes quickly, nervously, wondering who could have found him here, why, what they could want. Raising his head, his gaze, slowly, he found himself trembling, a cold sweat prickling along his arms and down his spine. His large ears twitched, his breath caught, and he shifted uncomfortably in his black satin shirt and dress pants. Tufts of his creamy sand-caramel-tan fur stuck out around the shirt's cuffs, emphasized by the way he loosely closed his fists and rubbed them on the fronts of his pants, fidgeting. His tail swished sharply, defensively, but low and half-out-of-sight, partially hidden, as if he didn't want it to be seen. He wasn't wearing shoes, and his clawed toes curled a little in apprehension, sticking out from the overlong hems of his pants. He sniffled a bit, the tear-tracks running down his cheeks feeling hot and obvious. He wanted to wipe them away, but was too nervous to raise his arm.

It was a badger who had found him. Dark chocolate fur, broken by lines of blinding white running up his heavily slanted muzzle; darker umber eyes, broken by the glassy flash they cast when angled in the flashing light from the dance floor behind him. A heavy jacket concealed his large form, broad-shouldered and broad-chested, or maybe the jacket made him look that way. It was open in the front, but revealed only a sliver of white undershirt. His jeans were loose and beaten, but fit well on him, and on the whole his clothes clashed strongly with the feline's ill-fitting finery.

Meyi shivered all over as his deep navy eyes locked with the other male's even darker brown-black ones. The badger reached out and placed one hand on the thin cat's shoulder. Meyi cringed, half-turning his head, though he did not look away or speak.

"I am Tekori."

His hand slid slowly up Meyi's neck, stroking, so gently and tenderly that he had to pause in drawing away. Slowly he met the badger's gaze full-on again, wondering once more what he wanted, why he had to... Meyi felt fresh tears spring up in his eyes, and his frustration mounted, but they did not flow, could not. He was scared; too scared to cry. Not of Tekori. Of...

Tekori took a step forward, bringing him from arm's length to about a foot away, and allowing him to more easily continue his stroking. His eyes were very solemn; he held his head angled downward in seriousness, and he was very still. Whatever his aims were, he meant them, meant them with all his heart. His ears were perked up in an odd way that seemed to fit together with the sincere way in which he held himself, particularly how he held his shoulders. His jacket smelled of mud and wildflowers, and he himself had a deep, subtle scent, musky like other mustelines, but richer, cleaner, darker.

The badger's hand raised and stroked softly across the cat's wet cheeks.

"Are you all right?"

Meyi swallowed, not expecting that to be the first thing asked of him. He was backed up as far as he could go against the wall, and still Tekori felt far too close, uncomfortably so. He could feel the badger's breath puffing lightly on his face, smelling fresh and sweet, surprisingly devoid of alcohol. It had been a long time since Meyi had been close enough to smell someone's breath and found it not saturated with booze. It seemed that was the only way others would get that close.

The cat, fidgeting both out of habit and as an excuse to keep something between him and the badger, opened his mouth hesitantly, but could make no sound. He still could not look away from Tekori's dark eyes, his soft, honest expression. The badger hadn't smiled yet, hadn't leered or grinned or eyed him. If he had, Meyi would have known exactly what to do, would know what he wanted. But Tekori was just looking, with equal amounts of trust and trustworthiness. And Meyi had no idea what to do about that.

Finally, he stammered out, "I-I... I'm ok-kay..."

Tekori tilted his head down a tiny margin, saying quite plainly that he knew the feline was lying through his teeth. His hand gently wiped away the tear tracks on the cheek it rested on, then shifted over and did the same on the other cheek. It then slid around behind his head, stroking his hair, petting his ears and making Meyi tremble, spine tingling.

He was scared, now more than ever. What was he supposed to do? Tekori didn't want to fuck him just yet, that much was obvious, he wasn't acting... He wasn't hunting for... Meyi's eyes slitted a tiny bit, his ears twitched back a little, his tail gave a particularly hard lash. What the hell did he want? Why was he coming on like this if...

The badger used his grip on the back of the feline's head to draw them closer. Meyi's hands came up and rested on Tekori's chest, pushing a little, but not enough to keep him back. He wanted to shove. He wanted to shove hard; Tekori made him feel horribly uncomfortable and all he wanted to do was get away from him.

All they did was get closer. Tekori's nose would have touched his, but then the badger shifted to the side, so their muzzles ran alongside each other, centimetres apart. His other arm came up and encircled the cat's waist, and they were hugging in all but pretence now, kissing in all but contact. They couldn't look straight at each other like this, but Meyi felt that if they had, he might have started to thrash.

He swallowed again. "Please... don't... Just... Look, if you want-"

Tekori cut him off, voice solid, near hard. "That's not what I want."

Meyi shivered, knew the other male could detect it. "Then what do you want?" He was shocked by how close he sounded to crying once again.

Tekori drew back a little, just enough to meet his eyes again. For the first time, he smiled, just a little, being cautious with the feline. "Well... For starters, I'd be delighted to be graced with the knowledge of your name, sir."

Once again the cat felt himself on the verge of struggling away, but found it easier to keep control now. "It's... Meyi."

Tekori smiled wider now and inclined his head, as bowing would have necessitated drawing away. "It is my most honest pleasure to know so, Meyi." He leaned forward again, his nose unbearably close to Meyi's. "I would be honoured to dance with you, Meyi."

Abruptly, Meyi's tail went still, his eyes went wide, and his ears twisted forward and twitched up as much as they could. He stared at the badger for a moment. "You... want to dance?"

"I would love to," Tekori whispered.

"...with me?"

"I would have no other..." the badger responded softly.

Meyi's eyes glistened once again. "You're lying. You have to be."

Tekori hesitated, unsure, and Meyi watched, waiting, waiting to see the proof that this was all false, that Tekori didn't...

The badger, eyes dulling a little as he reached his conclusion, pressed slowly forward, turning his head so that his mouth could meet the cat's.

Meyi's eyes flared and he tried to pull back, but he was pinned between Tekori and the wall. He had no option but to let the badger kiss him. Even if he was going to fight his way away a second later, he couldn't keep the full contact from happening.

And when it did...

It was different.

Tekori was kissing as best he knew how, not the easy, passionate way, but the much more difficult way that expressed not lust, but caring. He had not had much practise with this sort. But it wasn't practise that made one good at it. Not this kind.

Meyi kept waiting for it to change, to become what he was familiar with, the rough, tonguing sort that seemed to prelude rough sex. He was on the edge of being more scared than he had ever been in his life. But he wasn't, because while Tekori was kissing him like this... He couldn't feel anything. Fear, disgust, loneliness, self-hate... It was all gone. If only for a moment. And he knew it would be back. Knew it, anticipated it, almost wanted it, because it was familiar.

Tekori didn't push forward. The kiss was long, but his tongue never left his mouth, he never pressed harder than was necessary to keep them together. It was soft, quite soft, really. And he was doing all the work, not in the manner of someone wanting it, but of someone giving it.

And then he drew back, slowly, more awkward than he had been yet tonight, and just looked at the feline. He hadn't done anything... rough, hard, demanding... He hadn't done anything.

Meyi looked at him. He still couldn't feel anything. There was nothing, nothing coming back, nothing... And then, very distinctly, he felt something inside him break. Snap, like brittle steel in subzero temperatures, like an icicle knocked from its roost, like a tree trunk bursting as the water within it freezes and expands.

And he realized that he was ice-cold inside. Frozen. Realized it only because it felt different. Like something taken out of the freezer, pulling heat from the air around it, thawing. Like early spring, when the snow begins to melt in earnest and the grass reappears.

He stared at Tekori, panting lightly.

"Would you... like to dance?" the badger asked again.

Meyi looked at him, feeling oddly quiet and numb. Not scared. Just cautious, and maybe a bit shy. He tilted his head a bit to the side, looking the badger over as if for the first time.

"Well... All right."

They both smiled a little, and Tekori let him go and turned to head onto the floor. Meyi followed.

And that was how Meyi discovered that the verb 'to love' was not just a euphemism.