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'Get in the car.'

I did what Simon told me to do. And well, by the looks on his face, it wasn't really a smart thing not to do what he said... He got behind the steering wheel and slammed the door of his car while he puts the key in the ignition. I think it was very difficult for him to keep his tempers that day... He's normally not much of a hothead but if you piss him off, you'd better hide... Simon didn't start the car but looked away for a moment... His deep sigh sounded as if he was disappointed or something...

'Are you mad at me...?' I asked him quietly...

'Mad?! No, I'm furious!! This is the third time in two months, Ceylan! If you keep this up, you'll be kicked out of school in no time! You heard what the principal said! This can't go on any longer!'

'I know...'

'Well, apparently, you don't! What the hell does it take for us to make you realize that THIS can't go on any longer?!'

'I didn't start the fight... I never do...'

'I know but that doesn't give you a reason to fight again! You think it's cool to intimidate other people?! You think that makes you tough?!'

'No...'

'You're just lucky I'm the one who picked you up and not Catherine.'

At that point, the quiet humming and buzzing of his mobile phone went off. He let out a deep sigh and reluctantly grabbed his phone and stared at the display... He cursed quietly and quickly answered his phone...

'Daniel! Yeah, I had to take care of something family related. Uh... No, no nothing serious. I'll be back within half an hour. What? Yeah, I'll take care of that when I get back. Alright. See ya in a bit. Bye.'

The moment Simon said he had to take care of something family related; he had this cold glare in his eyes that I just couldn't place. When I noticed the expression on his face, it hurt...

'That was my boss, asking why I got out so all of a sudden... I get dragged down from my lunch-break to pick up my daughter from high school... Unbelievable...'

'I'm sorry...'

'I'll take you home. When I get back from work, you and I are gonna have a serious conversation.'

The ride home was anything but pleasant... Simon wasn't talking to me nor did he look at me... I'd rather have someone beating the shit out of me instead... The silence was awful... I couldn't tell what Simon was feeling that day. He usually caressed my hair and gave me a hug and a smile after our conversations but that day, he didn't... And while he was taking me home, I thought of how much I fucked it up this time...

Simon and I get along very well with each other, mainly because we share common interests. But even that relationship started to strain because of the things I did. I was fucking it up for everyone. Simon was pissed that day but something told me that he was sad as well... We had our talks and everything but that just didn't seem to stick with me for some reason or another. Catherine came home not long after Simon took me home and of course, Catherine went ape shit... Simon called her up and told her everything... Through out the day, she kept on and on about it... And when Simon came home that afternoon from work, it only seemed to make me feel worse. It felt to me that everything was being repeated and repeated and they asked me why but what was I supposed to say to them? I didn't know why... And at some point, it felt as if I could break down in tears... So I went upstairs but didn't go to bed. But while I was in bed, I could hear the two of them arguing... I just wanted to get away from everything... So instead, I opened the window and sat on the slope of the roof, watching the sun going down over the small town of Ravello... I got out my cigarette carton and lid one up... I was just sitting there, trying to clear my mind... I think only half an hour passed away but to me, those thirty minutes felt like hours. Cars were passing by on the street while the lights were turned on one by one in the houses. And then I saw them... My friend Blain with another girl walking away in the distance... She was giggling while they were holding each others hands and moments later, Blain gently pressed his lips against hers... And it was so strange to see them walking away together... I didn't know what I felt when I saw that... "So that's why I don't see him around these days..." It made me wonder why I can't be like that with Mikaela... It made me wonder what I was doing wrong...

'I thought you'd be up here...'

I looked up and noticed Simon sticking his head out the window. He climbed out of it and sat next to me on the roof. But then he noticed the cigarette I was holding in my hand... I expected a big preach that smoking kills and shit but... All he did was looking at me and smiled while I stared right back at him... He took a cigarette from my carton and put it in his mouth... And it actually kinda surprised me, because I never saw him smoking before. 'I won't tell Catherine if you don't...'

'Heh...'

'Got a light...?'

'Yeah...'

Simon gives a quick nod as I passed him the lighter. He lights it up and takes a puff, blowing the smoke through his nostrils... 'Catherine doesn't know we both smoke, so let's keep it that way, okay?' he asked me with a smile. But I wasn't responding to him...

'You alright?' he asked me again after a while...

'I guess...'

'It's bothering you a lot of what happened today, isn't it?'

'Hm...'

It stayed silent for a while as we both took a puff from our cigarettes and exhaled... I noticed from the corner of my eyes that Simon was looking at me but I wasn't looking back at him. A lot of things were going through my mind that evening... My feelings for Sarah... And how things were going with Mikaela... To have seen Blain with another girl... Why can't Mikaela and I go out...? To get out of the house for once...? Not to have sex for once...? Just do what every other normal couple does...? But while I thought things over, I realized Mikaela and I are anything but a "normal" couple because of our huge age difference...

'Look... I didn't mean to freak out at you like that. I'm sorry... But... You and I both know that this can't go on anymore.'

'Yeah, I know... But I worked things out with Samantha...'

'Samantha?'

'Yeah, that girl I was having a fight with.'

'Oh, well that's good but... I wasn't talking about that.'

'I know what you mean, Simon...'

'How come you never talk about something that's bothering you?'

'Is it relevant for you to know?'

'If that's what it takes, than yes, it is.'

'Hm...'

'We just want you to realize what you're doing...'

'Catherine always causes a scene whenever something happens... Most of them aren't even my fault. How the hell can you blame me for defending myself?'

'Catherine isn't the only one causing a scene.'

'What, you're saying I'm overreacting?'

'Yes.'

'Psh...'

'You're mother is acting like that because she loves you very much...'

Right that second, I couldn't believe my ears. Were they deceiving me...? After hearing those words, I felt my blood boiling... I looked at Simon to see if he even realized what he said to me. But it only took a fraction of a moment to let his words sink down... And when he had the nerve to smile at me, I became very pissed at him...

'My mother?! My mother?!! My mother is DEAD, Simon! And so is my father! And my little brother Sanjay! And my grandmother, my grandfather, uncles, aunts, cousins! They're all dead!! Catherine is not my mother and you are NOT my father and no matter how hard you'll ever try, you'll never be able to replace them!!'

Shouting those harsh words almost caused me to choke in them... Almost a nauseous feeling crawled up my throat while speaking became difficult. I was on the brink to burst out into tears. So I stopped talking until those feelings slowly went away. But despite that, just one little tear that couldn't be held back ran down my cheek while Simon wasn't looking at me. During that short moment, the words I shouted started to sink in and I regret I ever said that... When Simon looked at me again, I could see in his eyes that he was hurt deeply of the things I said. But nevertheless, he gently wiped the tear away from my cheek... I leaned over towards him as his arm was clenched around my back. His cheek against mine... A strong, loving cuddle... Maybe that was all I needed that night... Just a firm cuddle to remind me what it was like to have a loving father...

'Do you know why Catherine is always causing a scene...? Why she's so overprotective and never wants to let go of you...?'

'Because she loves me...?'

'Yes, but... There's another reason for that... I know Catherine can be a little pushy sometimes but... She means well. But she wasn't always like this...'

'Whadda ya mean?'

'We told you about Kaelyn, our little girl we lost at birth...'

'Yeah...'

'Hehe... Catherine and I have been together for twenty-seven years now. She used to be a lot like you, you know. Her sense of adventure was something that made me fall in love with her. She always was the rebel in her family... And well... My father passed away when I was nine and when I was a teenager, I was spinning out of control. I got into fights, was hanging out with the wrong friends and everything... And when I met Catherine, I immediately fell in love with her... We did crazy stuff back then... But I can't say I'm proud of the things we did...'

'Like what?'

'Well... I got kicked off school and Catherine gave up her education so that she could be with us. We didn't see a problem with the way we lived our lives. But others did. So we ran away from our families with our friends and we just saw where we ended up. Sometimes, all you need is a rude wake up call... At some point in your life, you'll have to take responsibilities for the people you love and care for the most...'

It stayed silent for a moment as Simon took another puff from his cigarette, looking in blank space in the distance... I never saw him like this before, being very serious... He bit his upper lip and closed his eyes for a moment but the moment he opened them again, he started talking...

'Catherine was twenty-three years old when she became pregnant. Way too young for us to have a little kitten... We were both unemployed, had little to no money, no house, no certificates, diplomas, whatsoever. And of course, my family wasn't pleased with the way we were living... All those talks I had with my brothers and sister didn't have any effect. But we had to take our responsibilities now that a kitten was coming. So we tried to rectify our mistakes and take our responsibilities. Catherine gave birth to our kitten but our little girl never saw the light of day... She had a miscarriage... And that was our rude wake up call... It opened our eyes...'

It stayed silent for a while as Simon closed his eyes. And all I could do was to look at him... He lets out another deep sigh and flicked his cigarette away...

'Catherine didn't have much to live for after the death of our kitten. We were both devastated... We made it through with the help of my family and they had forgiven us for what we did and welcomed us with open arms. But Catherine's family didn't want to know her anymore after everything she did... So Catherine stayed with us ever since. It took a long time to have built up what we have now and even though it isn't much, I can honestly say I'm the happiest man alive... But there was something missing... To accept our kitten's death was very difficult... But as the years passed by, we accepted it, with our little girl in our memories...'

'Heh...'

'So... You have to understand when I tell you that we're not trying to replace you're parents... I'm sorry if you thought we were... But we're not trying to replace you're parents, just as much as you're not trying to replace Kaelyn... You might not consider us as you're parents but we consider you as our own daughter. And no matter what happens, we'll always love you...'

'I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean it... It's just...'

'It's okay...'

In some way, we needed each other. I needed a family, a stable life with loving parents and relatives while they needed a daughter to love. I always felt a little out of place and as if I was some replacement for their loss. But that night, Simon made me realize that no one can ever be replaced. The way he was talking about his daughter made me feel as if he lost a lot more than I did. But these are the kind of things that can't be weighed... There is no definition to measure someone's experience... The conversation I had with Simon that night was very emotional... Up to this day, I still regret what I said to him... If only I wasn't so selfish and so caught up with my own back then... It's sad to realize how selfish I was after hearing that story. As if my problems and experiences deserved more attention than Simon's. But nevertheless, he kept cuddling me, holding me close and kept telling me of how much he loved me...

After everything said and done, I knew that I had to change things for myself. All this time, it felt as if I was crammed inside this little box that got smaller and smaller as each day passed by. I had to change things in order to break free. It's difficult to live you're life differently than you know and change a habit you live with for so long but sometimes it's necessary. Someone once told me that whenever you got something on you're mind; you need to find a way to vent it. But it doesn't always have to be verbally... A written word is just as powerful... Written words aren't being forgotten once you've read and understood its meaning. Some people cling on to those words... But only the writer knows its true meaning. So in order to change my way of living, I had to write down my life for myself. I did when I was young in the diary my grandmother gave to me... What troubles and difficulties did I have to face back at the age of sixteen...? I didn't bother looking back at the things I already experienced because I couldn't change that. But what was I about to face? My relationship with Mikaela that felt like a drag...? My feelings for Sarah...? Those were the biggest problems... My relationship with Mikaela didn't feel "natural"... I didn't feel attracted to her anymore. We always talked for a bit until we ended up in bed together. Sex is the only thing Mikaela cared for. But Sarah... She was everything Mikaela wasn't. We'd hang out and manage to have fun wherever we were going. Sarah didn't care about sex... It felt more "natural"... And maybe that's what caused me to fell in love with her. Maybe it was better to break up with Mikaela... And tell Sarah everything. I wrote this down on paper and for days, I looked at the sheet of paper, studying every word, every letter, wondering how I was going to pull this off... But I know I had to start by telling Sarah the truth first...

A couple of weeks after that, Sarah and I were about to go to a club for the very first time. The club itself wasn't that much of a big deal, but when you're sixteen, everything is awesome for the first time... Sarah turned sixteen the week before and this was our own way of celebrating her birthday just with our friends. She came to my place on a Friday afternoon at around five o'clock where she had dinner with us. Sarah is just so different when she's around me and other people. Way different than she's like at home... And I don't really know how to describe those differences... She's more "alive" if you know what I mean. Talked, smiled and laughed a whole lot more than she does at home...

At around eight o'clock, we went to my room to get changed. After all, this was our first club experience so you want to make an impression when you get there... Sarah carried a large bag up the stairs and once we got in my room, I closed the door while she starts unpacking her things... I looked at her and wondered if she was moving in or something...

'What are you carrying in that bag anyway?'

'My clothes'

'Yeah but it's not like you can wear everything.'

'I didn't have much time so I just threw in a bunch.'

'Ah.'

'What are you gonna wear?'

'Hmm... Just a skirt with a top, I think.'

While I was getting my clothes from my wardrobe, I could see from the corners of my eyes that Sarah was undressing herself with her back facing me. I slowly turned my head and watched how she took her top off... And then she removed her jeans... When I saw her bending over to pick them up, it felt as if my nose could bleed any second... I was staring directly at her fine ass... A piece of heaven... "Oh my God..." Sarah looked so mature for her age... Her breasts are bigger than mine were... From the back, she looked more like a woman... Not to mention that ass of hers... Too bad she was wearing underwear...

'You finished picking something yet?'

'Huh? Oh, no I haven't. Uh...'

'Let me have a look.'

So she joined me and looked through my wardrobe for something suitable for me to wear. A beige skirt that reached down to my knees and a light blue top... She looked at me and smiled while she watched me undress. And I didn't know what that smile was for. I didn't know if she was checking me out the way I was checking her out but nevertheless, it felt good to get watched by her... And then all of a sudden, Sarah did something unexpected that totally caught me off guard... She took her bra off... Slowly, as if she was teasing me with those huge knockers of hers... Sarah wasn't ashamed of them. She had no reason to be... Just two girls among each other... I've seen her tits a long time ago back when they were just little lumps of fur and flesh... But now... They've been matured... Her dark brown nipples... They looked like little chocolates I was dieing to get a taste from... But just like that, she put her top on and sat on the bed to put on her leggings. She threw her legs up in the air and pulled her leggings up...

A couple of moments later, we were done dressing ourselves. Sarah got her toilet bag out and showed me some stuff like mascara and lip-gloss. She turned to the mirror and started to apply her make-up. Moments later, she faced me again and smiled... Nothing was overdone... Just that little bit of extra that made her stand out more... The finishing touches, as she called it... I sat on my bed, watching her every move and how these stuff seemed to make her more beautiful with every minute that passed by... After she finished, she turned to me and carried her toilet bag over. And then all of a sudden, Sarah sat on my lap while she grabbed the mascara and the lip-gloss... Her knees on the bed and her breasts pressed against mine while I stared right in her eyes... She looked so beautiful that evening... But when I saw that smile of hers, I realized she was gonna put make-up on me...

'Oh no, I don't do make-up...'

'Come on, it's fun! Try it for once!'

'No! Absolutely not, I don't wanna look like a skank.'

'Does it make me look like a skank...?'

'No...'

'Then try it... It's just lip-gloss and mascara, Ceylan...'

I sighed reluctantly and looked her straight in the eyes. But all she had was that innocent little smile on her face... How could I ignore that beautiful smile of hers...?

'Just a little then...'

'Let's make you pretty...'

And so she did... She focused on doing my eyelashes and lips and carefully applied the make-up. The way she looked at me made me feel as if I was some canvas and that she was Da Vinci or something. But with every minute passing by, I saw how her smile got bigger. And then she held her toilet bag in front of my face which contained a little mirror... I expected her to have drawn a little sun on my face or something... But seeing myself in the mirror as a girly girl for the very first time was quite the culture shock. I never thought I'd be wearing make-up... It wasn't much but just those subtle touches of make-up made me look way more feminine... I was actually startled seeing myself like that... Me, a girly girl... Who'd have thought? I sure didn't... Sarah placed the toilet bag on the bed a couple of moments later as I stared in those hazel green eyes of hers... 'You look very pretty...' she said quietly... All I did was smiling back at her while I was captivated by those eyes that seemed to get closer... She held my hands and that's when I knew she felt very nervous... I could feel her heart beating faster against my chest while her clammy hands gently caressed my fingertips and slowly went up to hold me close by clenching her hands on my back... I couldn't think... All I could do was to close my eyes and take a deep breathe... 'Ceylan...?' she whispered quietly...

'Hm...?'

'I uh... I want you to know something...'

'What's up...?'

A moment of awkward silence surrounded us... Her hand gently caressed my long silky black hair as her heart started to beat faster... Sarah let out a quick sigh and stopped caressing my hair...

'I don't really feel like going out tonight...'

'Oh...? Why not?'

'I don't know, I just don't feel like it...'

'Oh...'

'We'll go if you want to go but...'

'I don't mind, really. If you wanna stay here, we'll stay here. We can watch movies or... Play Monopoly or something...'

'I'd love to...' she said quietly with a weak smile...

'You're not going home for the night, are you? I mean... You're still staying over for the night, right...?'

'If it's okay with you're parents...'

'I'm sure it's okay with them.'

'You should ask, just to make sure...'

'I will...'

'Hihi...'

'So uh... We're not going...?'

She nodded quickly and smiled at me again...

'Alright... We still need to call Selene and Jennifer that we're not going.'

'I'll call them...'

And so she did... She called them on her mobile phone and made some lame excuse that her grandmother died. That's kinda odd since her grandmother died for the fourth time this year. Still, it seemed to work. We called it off... The moment she puts her mobile phone away, a question was bubbling up...

'So uh... Why did we go through all the trouble of dressing up and putting make-up on our faces when you already decided not to go?'

'I just wanted to see you with make-up for once.' she said with a smile...

'Ah.'

Afterwards, we went downstairs to tell Simon and Catherine that we called it off. Simon frowned at us when he saw us dressed up like that and asked why we got dressed like that in the first place if we weren't even going. Sarah on the other hand, gave the same answer she gave me. Just to see me wear make-up... Simon started to laugh and couldn't believe that Sarah actually persuade me to wear make-up. He said that I looked like a clown... Glaring at him only seemed to add to his pleasures... Sarah was giggling about the stupid remarks he made about my appearance but still... She looked at me and smiled and it reminded me why I was wearing make-up in the first place... It made me feel special to get watched by her...

I asked Catherine if Sarah was still allowed to stay over for the night, seeing as we weren't going anymore. And of course, she was allowed to stay. Catherine made cups of tea and well... Simon asked if we were up for a game of Monopoly, his favorite board game, since we were staying home... He's very competitive when it comes to games and so am I, really. Catherine was in for it as well... And Sarah...? She didn't really care what we were going to do as long as she could enjoy herself... She's easily entertained... But she obviously never played a board game in the Jaisyaram family before...

'You'll need a seven if you want the jackpot.'

'Come on, roll the dices already!'

"I need a seven... Come on... Give me a seven... Here we go..." The dices bounced around the Monopoly board but didn't give me the desired numbers of dots... "Four"...

'Community chest...'

'What's it saying?'

'Bank pays you dividend of 5000 dinar.'

Simon frowned at me in disbelieve until I showed that card to him with a grin. He sighed reluctantly and passed me 5000 dinar from the bank... 'It's you're turn, Sarah.'

'Seven! One, two three... Five... Seven!! Chance!'

She grabbed a card from the stack but you saw the expression on her face turning sour the moment she looked at it...

'What's it saying?'

'Go directly to jail - Do not pass Go, do not collect 20.000 dinar...'

'Too bad...'

'You can buy yourself out.'

'Oh yeah!'

So she puts five thousand dinar in the pot and smiled innocently while Simon got hold of the dices. He rolled eleven... Simon looked at the board while I counted the squares... And then his eyes were fixated on me, wondering if I would notice... But I already did... So he moved his piece by eleven squares and quickly passed the dice to Catherine and had this fake cough...

'Ha!! I saw that! Petticoat Lane with four hotels! Let's see what to make of it...'

'Roll the dice! Roll the dice!!'

'Forty-three thousand dinar!'

'What?! There's no way it can be that high!'

'It says right here! C'mon! Gimme the munneh! Mmmmmmmmunneh!'

Sarah peeked to see my card and smiled at Simon...

'It's true what she says, mister Jaisyaram.'

'Honestly, Sarah, you've been calling me mister Jaisyaram all evening. Please don't, because it makes me feel like an old fart.'

'Well, you certainly look like one...' Catherine said with a smile...

'Hehehe...'

'Can we please focus on the forty-three thousand dinar you were about to give me?'

'Here, I got loads where that came from.'

'Not for long because you're not the one owning Petticoat Lane with four hotels. You need to buy! Spend you're money! You're getting a little greedy there, Simon...'

'Yeah, well, you still look like a clown.'

'Hahaha!'

'Will you stop with the clown thing?!'

We used to do this all the time when I was younger. Just the three of us on a Friday evening enjoying something as simple like a board game. As the years passed by, those nights we had were lesser and lesser... Things didn't really add up with me having a fight with Simon and Catherine at least once a week but that night, it was a special night. Everything was perfect that night, like it once was. And maybe... Maybe it was something that Sarah wanted to experience too for once. Just a normal night... With normal people... She was herself for once that night... Every time she looked at me, she had a huge smile on her face. I loved to see her smile every time and it made me feel as if I could take on the world. My self-esteem only got bigger whenever I was with her... And each and every time I saw her, it reminded me of what it was all about it. What it was like to be young and in love with each other. To live a carefree life. I honestly believed that it wasn't a coincidence that she slept at my house that night. Each and every time I looked at her, I could see in her eyes that she wanted me to know something. Something she wanted me to know for such a long time. I felt it the moment her clammy hands touched mine and the nervous look she had in her eyes... Maybe we both knew it that night... Maybe we were scared to give in... Maybe we were scared of the consequences... Or maybe we were even scared of each other for realizing it... But maybe that scared feeling was something that made everything feel so wonderful whenever I was with her. It happened for a reason that she stayed at my house that night... But Simon did, in fact, kicked our asses at Monopoly in the end...