Pitch Episode 42: The Slip
#55 of Pitch
I wasn't the smartest, and I was far from the most athletic. I didn't have skills or talents of any kind that I could see being useful. At least not in a practical sense. The ability to make freak accidents occur wasn't something I'd ever want to advertise. I knew not to expect scholarships. I knew I would be limited in the number of places I could go after school, but I hated thinking about it.
I had to think about it.
Monday morning, the senior class had an assembly to discuss preparing for college. We weren't through October yet, but Principal Harper thought it was necessary to start the conversations. She asked us to think of our futures. She wanted us to figure out where we would go, and who we wanted to be. Thinking far into the future never did me any good. It made me anxious and paranoid like walls were closing in. That fear of being left behind was always in the back of my mind. Though, I tried to avoid it.
Nerf would probably go off and become a basketball legend. Velmer could open a tech company. BJ had the makings of a real magician. Wes was going back to Europe with his family after graduation. What future could I look forward to? When everyone I spent so much time getting close to eventually graduated and moved on with their lives, where would I go?
That's why The Ring was so important. Even if I didn't know what I wanted to do, becoming a full member could tell me who I was. It would tell everyone. I knew I was investing more than a safe amount of hope into some organization being a cure-all, but I had to. School didn't look like a viable option. Sports were never my thing. I couldn't be a magician.
There had to be someone to blame for my lack of options. Everyone always made three choices seem like the only paths available. School, magic, or a dead-end job. I never knew more than that. I wished I knew more than that. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt so boxed in. It's true that Wes gave me a fourth option, but he gave it to me. It wasn't my idea to go to Europe. It wasn't a part of any plan I made. Following Wes around before I did something for myself would have made me resent him.
The assembly was meant to get everyone excited and inspired, but I felt low.
I didn't know what else to bet on.
Lunch was after that. I remembered at the beginning of the year, no one wanted to sit with me. No one other than Wes and Velmer. I always valued having anyone on my side, but I had to notice the growth as well. That day I could have sat with my boyfriend and my best friend. I could have sat with BJ, my new frenemy. I could have sat with Nerf and his friends. I had options, but they didn't matter. I still had time, but when I looked at everyone in the cafeteria, all I saw were people I'd lose after graduation. What's worse is that I knew not only would I miss them, I'd stay right where they left me. It hurt. It felt stupid. Feeling so beat down over losing people I still had months to spend time with had to be the peak of my paranoid anxiety.
I hadn't felt that pit in my stomach in such a long time. I almost forgot how it weighed me down.
I ate outside. Maybe Danger was on to something. He was willing to give up our life so easily. Perhaps he thought it was better to leave people before they left him. I knew those weren't his reasons, but as I took a seat under a tree and looked up at the sky like he once did, it had to be possible.
I wasn't alone for very long.
Something was up with my ears. A few weeks ago, I was able to navigate city streets by sound alone, but recently I couldn't hear to save my life. I should have heard when the double doors swung open and the sound of Velmer's shoes when he stepped onto the grass. I should have heard his breathing when he stood beside me, but I didn't. Everything was muffled. I only realized he was there when he spoke directly to me. Come to think of it, I should have been in agony at his Halloween party because of all the loud music, but It didn't phase me.
"You're upset," Velmer said.
"I'm fine," I answered.
"You look ready to die," he said.
"I'm fine," I repeated with more aggression than intended.
"No one who has to say they're fine is ever fine," he argued.
I didn't want to pull anyone into my melodramatic meltdown. I couldn't say if I were too old or too young for a midlife crisis, but I felt like I was having one. It was ridiculous. It was laughable and immature. Life wouldn't stop after high school. Life would only get harder after high school. If I couldn't pull myself together while training wheels were on, then what hope was there.
But Velmer wasn't leaving. He sat beside me. I was surprised Wes wasn't the one having a heart to heart with me. He may have been giving me space on account of my asking for time.
"What are you doing after graduation?" I asked.
Velmer didn't answer for a moment. He and I had a lot of things in common, but we had our differences. For one, he was a genius prodigy. Often it was easy to forget why he hung out with me. Velmer was smart. I had no doubt he possessed the power to make new friends if he wanted to. Hell, he could have literally made new friends if he wanted. Maybe he didn't know how, either way, he was loyal to me. At least to a fault, as far as I knew. I didn't have much to offer him. He was supposed to keep a low profile. He was supposed to fit in. He hung out with the town's most well-known outcast. Maybe Velmer liked the unexpected, or perhaps he needed me to keep him in check. Who could say for sure? If nothing else, I thought I had the level head between us. At that moment, he was clear when I was foggy.
"I'll probably open a lab. Why?" He said.
"Everyone knows what they want to do, but I'm still looking. I don't want to be the guy everyone remembers being a fuck up, and when they come back, I'm still here," I answered honestly.
"You worry too much," he said.
I looked over, and he was texting on one of his phones. He looked up when he noticed I was watching.
"So, what if you don't become the president?" He continued.
"Who said I wanted to be the president?" I said.
"Doesn't everyone?" He remarked.
"And deal with people constantly trying to curse me, I'm good," I laughed.
"There's nothing wrong with being the guy who stayed, I'm staying," Velmer admitted.
"Your gonna stay here after graduation?"
"Why not, I'll make this town famous with my innovative inventions," he boasted proudly.
"That's better than pushing carts," I remarked.
"If I ever see you pushing carts, I'll kill you," he joked, but he did it wrong.
"I'm supposed to say 'if you ever see me pushing carts, kill me,'" I corrected him.
"Same concept. I'm sure you'll find something before it comes to that," he tried to persuade me to be more optimistic.
It was out of character I always saw us both as pessimists, but maybe Velmer was more of a realist.
"What if I already did?" I said.
I couldn't hear the wind, but I could feel it. Velmer put away his phone before standing up. Lunch was over. We may have already been late for our next class.
"Riz is missing," he said plainly.
"What?" I questioned his casual tone.
"I haven't seen her since the party," he added.
"Why didn't you say anything!" I exclaimed.
"You seemed more upset," Velmer answered.