FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Thirty-Three. One Way to Look.

Lukan found himself thinking of every last word that he said to Klaus the day of the massive snowstorm. That was all he could think of. He did not care about the storm itself. Not when the power cut off. Not when it finally lifted after many hours. Not the entire day it took to restore power and have plows free them from being snowed it. Not the millions of dollars of damage it did to the city. For once, Lukan could not focus on his once childhood dream of studying the weather. The storm and its intensity just did not matter to him. Not one bit. There was only one way to look. And that was forward. Towards Sun Plateau. And Fidel Skison. And there was no looking anywhere else, especially backwards. Lukan couldn't even focus on his own present. All his goals. All of what he did ultimately was to serve just one purpose, and one purpose only. That was the reality inside Lukan's mind. Everything he's said to Klaus, as well as his desire to leave all of it behind forever.

December progressed quickly. Every day was a cyclical repetition of the day before the last. Work. Earn money. Talk to Fidel. Plan the move. Avoid Klaus, Platt, and Will. Wash, rinse and repeat. Daily. This cycle made the days fly faster than light itself. The only thing that made the days any different were the ones where he was off from work, as well as the unpredictable weather, which continued to fluctuate between tolerable and borderline blizzard-like. Lukan nearly failed to notice his birthday even pass him by. His legendary 21st was anything but. There wasn't anything to celebrate. The raccoon had no plans to drink. He had no friends to do that with even if he wanted to. Nobody. There was nobody in his life but his own mother. Klaus and Platt were enemies now. Aero was nowhere to be found. All other friends also fell off the radar entirely. Lukan spent the day by himself. That was Lukan's fate now: to be completely alone with only himself and his thoughts. Not that he even cared about that either. He could not care about anything else, for all he could think about now, was the future. There simply was only one way to look.

The same had applied to Christmas. No friends. No other family. Nothing. He and his mother didn't even have anything under the tree. The tree was just a haunting memory of the past. When things were simpler. When things were happy. Just looking at the flashing red, blue, and green lights on the fake plant reminded Lukan of the laughs and excitement he used to feel as a cub. He always knew those days were numbered, but could never have predicted just how soon and how intensely the true nature of life could impact him.

Lukan sought solace in the past. But only a small amount. He hated his life at the present, but always held those happier memories closer to him as a result. The future, he swore, he would do whatever it took to make more. To regain all of it. That was the one way to look.

New Year's-- Same thing again. Very little acknowledgement to be had from the raccoon at all. He stayed up to witness that last moment of the year that damned him and to witness the first moment of the year where all of it was to be vindicated. That was what the new year meant to him now. Sure it would start off just as repugnantly as the last year ended, but he would turn it around. He and Fidel would not have it any other way. Lukan could not be bothered to care about anything else.

Sarah seemed completely oblivious to her son's staunchly apathetic demeanor. Lukan could only assume it was because he always came off that way to her in some way shape or form. It was not just her either. Everyone at work had gotten off his case about everything too. Eira, his bosses, other coworkers. They all knew a number of his secrets and experiences in the past now more than a year. They knew more than Sarah did. Lukan wanted to keep it that way. To have someone so personally close to him knowing his strife filled him with complicated emotions he did not want to address. Even less so when he took into consideration the emotions he felt before and the lack thereof present day.

January progressed the same way that December had, except much more slowly. There were not nearly as many landmark days in the month to help accelerate its momentum. The only notable one was Klaus' birthday. But that was at the end of the month. It was also a day that Lukan wished he could forget the significance of. He wanted to forget all that Klaus had done. Lukan quickly realized the futility of as such, as his very departure from Lilac Grove was one result of all that he had done. Klaus' actions would follow him until the day he died, and the raccoon knew this fact. No. All his efforts to forget would be nothing more than merely ignoring it. Ignoring his past. His problems, trials, and tribulations would be present in his life in some shape or form, no matter how powerful his desires to forget them. Even if he were to find a way to move on without them, the scars would be there. This was just a fact. The destiny that Lukan did not choose. Despite how bleak his present was now, his destiny was not for his future, or so, Lukan liked to believe. The idea of a better future was what fueled Lukan's will to keep going. For it to change, however, there was only one way to look.

When Klaus' birthday encroached upon them all, Lukan felt nothing more than tempted to stay home from work that day. Above all other days, this was the one he wanted to avoid finding the otter the most, even more so than his own birthday weeks ago. He had already saved up more money than he had in his entire life after all. What could one day hurt? No. No it must be done. Lukan didn't care what it took anymore. His determination was a grim one. But one nonetheless, and that simply had to suffice.

Upon reluctantly leaving his room, he found Sarah on her computer. This wasn't what he had expected; normally she would be at work early Friday afternoon. "Going to work, soon, Lukey?" She still called him that. Lukan was not even a teenager anymore, and she still called him that. Why?

The younger raccoon decided to just ignore it. "Yeah. I don't want to though."

"Hardly anyone ever does," Sarah nodded. "I'm not there because the basement where I work is all flooded. Some idiot somehow broke a water pipe down there and it's apparently a disaster." So there was the explanation Lukan was on the fence on getting. "I suppose I should say that I've found somewhere for us to go around Salamander, too. We're looking good to leave on February 27th."

Lukan jumped a little when he heard that date. "A-alright then," Lukan stammered out, unsure of what to say immediately. But soon, when he was to talk to FIdel again as he always did, he knew what to say then.

"We should start packing soon," Sarah replied. "That's less than a month, after all."

Lukan nodded. "That's fair. Should I try to transfer work while I am at it?"

Sarah seemed uncertain. "Maybe. But it wouldn't hurt, I suppose. Um, I think I saw a location around there. It's in Lobos, where we are headed. I looked in Sun Plateau and it's just... Way too hot, and way too much crime too. No way."

Lukan felt his ear flick. Immediate skepticism filled his mind. "Lobos? How far from Sun Plateau is that?"

"A couple hours I think? I am not familiar with that area, you know."

"A couple hours..." Lukan echoed slowly. One thing was for sure, he did not like the sound of that. Great. As if he needed another potential issue to think about on his way to work that day.

Sarah noticed Lukan's hesitance. "Did you want to be in Sun Plateau itself? It's a big city you know. Even bigger than Rosethorn."

Lukan nodded softly. "If we could, that would be great. I mean..." he trailed off. It was far too difficult to concentrate on the conversation with all his concerns in mind.

"There is a reason for you to be choosing Sun Plateau isn't there?" Sarah scowled. "Well alright then. But we don't have much time. We might have to settle with Lobos, Lukey."

Lukan sighed disappointedly. "Whatever it takes, I guess," was all that he could say in response. He left his apartment, despite there being more than enough time left before work.

It was cold outside. Not brutally so, but the breath of winter hung in the air as Lukan stepped into it. There was very little snow or ice on the ground. What little there was lay in the shade. Most of it, Lukan knew, was leftover from the last time he and Klaus met. To see that snow banks had survived for as long as they have, no matter how miniscule they've become impressed Lukan. The snow hid from the sun. Or was it merely fortuitous where they landed granted them protection from it? Lukan often wondered what it would be like if his circumstances were of a similar nature.

Lukan debated with himself as he took the hundreds of footsteps needed to make it to his work on whether he should alert Fidel of the potential distance their locations could end up being despite Lukan's desire to avoid it. Lukan thought that Fidel would just tell Lukan to persuade his mother to reconsider, which is what the raccoon already wanted to do from the moment he heard the term "a couple hours". The raccoon began to think of the potential ramifications of having any substantial distance between the two of them, especially if their relationship continued to escalate even further. Lukan never definitively answered the coyote's proposal to a potential romantic relationship either way, and the more the raccoon thought about that proposition, the more he was inclined to accept it. The loneliness of not having someone like Klaus filling the void inside of his heart was ever pertinent. He began to think more and more, the reasons why he was willing to move over a thousand miles away to a city he had never even visited. To leave behind everything he had known for the majority of the life he remembers. For what? For what reasons? To escape the toxicity that was the trifecta of a snow leopard, an otter, and a wolf? To be with a coyote he had never even seen the muzzle of? To escape the inevitable monotony that was a life in Lilac Grove? A mix of them all? What was it? Would it be worth any of that trouble at all? Just how much does Lukan feel for that coyote? Is it genuine? Or is it just an illusion instigated by the perpetual isolation in his heart and soul? Is it all just a desire for companionship? Or something more? All this time Lukan could only focusing on that one way to look, but as the date of exodus moved closer and closer from future to present, Lukan just had to wonder. But no. Despite Lukan's second thoughts, the persistent and stubborn "one way to look" mentality blocked him from rethinking his decision. This was simply the future he desired.

So when the raccoon arrived at his workplace that day, the atmosphere of his job felt infinitely changed. He knew what he must do that day, and while he wasn't destined to leave immediately, the second he put that notice to do so in the future would put him more concretely onto that path he began to think more and more about.

"Ringtail! How are you today?" The voice of Eira shattered Lukan's mind back into the plane of reality, causing him to jump lightly.

"Really not sure of what I really want to do right now," Lukan replied as a broad way to express that truth.

"We all get that way, I am sure," was probably Eira's best way to respond in an encouraging and relating way.

Lukan sighed as he punched in. "You have no idea."

"What's going on, if I uh... if I may ask?" Eira continued.

"Well, I am probably moving at the end of next month," Lukan confessed.

"Oh no really? That sucks. I will really miss you, you know," Eira replied in a lightly shocked tone. "Is there a reason why? Is it because of..." she trailed off, but Lukan could make a good guess at what she was referring to.

"Well, yeah. A little bit, but not entirely. I dunno if I want to say more than that. It's just that, considering everything, I have to wonder if this is the right thing to do."

"I'll tell you this, ringtail. If you are wondering that, you have to ask yourself if what you are doing is what you want to do. If it is, then it is the right thing."

Lukan laughed skeptically. "What? Even if you wanted to go on a murdering spree, would that be the right thing?"

Eira laughed this time, taking it as a joke. "You know what I mean, you dork."

Lukan nodded. "Yeah. I know what you mean. And I know what I want. And I know I will find it when I do move."

"I dunno what you're really talking about, ringtail, but if it's what you want, then there's no need to question yourself so much, is there?"

Lukan sighed again. "I guess not. I guess I better go and tell my boss about this whole thing, shouldn't I?"

"The sooner the better I am sure. Though I am not sure how much of a difference it will make considering creatures constantly come and go at this place. Ya blink and ya miss them! I would not even be surprised if there were creatures we never even saw while we both worked here!"

Eira was now getting off topic, so Lukan found it best to end their brief conversation right there. "I would not either, heh. Well, I guess I better go and find Domin."

Eira nodded, with a blink of her eyes. "Yeah. Oh and Lukan? I just wanted to say that any guy would be lucky to have you. I don't know what the hell Klaus thinks he was doing just doing all this shit to you."

Lukan echoed his sigh for a second time. "I do not think anyone would except for Klaus himself. I am not even sure Platt understands."

"Platt?" Eira echoed.

"He's the guy Klaus cheated on me with," Lukan shook his head, realizing the conversation was still going.

"Oh shit," was Eira's expletive.

Lukan shrugged. "I do want to get away from both of them. It's hard living in the same neighborhood as them, so yeah. Do you know where Domin is?"

Eira shook her head. "You know how management is here. They could be damn near anywhere in the store. And only around when you reeeeaaally don't want them."

"Sounds about right. Well I really should go and find him if I am possibly gonna be in for a long search. Last thing I need is spending too long to get to work and getting my tail ripped off for it."

"Fair enough." Eira seemed to have taken the hint and began to wander away towards a different part of the backroom, allowing Lukan to begin his potentially long search for his boss.

Lukan first checked the main office. There was not even a soul inside let alone his target. He searched the backroom, running into Eira not once, but twice while doing so. Lukan wandered onto the store floor, wondering how conspicuous he must have been just walking around and not working. He hoped he'd find him before someone were to notice. The store was not very busy that early afternoon, which made him feel that much more conspicuous. He recognized a handful of regulars that often shopped there. Some management caught his eye, but again, they were not the deer he needed. He saw, or rather, smelled the new skunk manager, conveniently, in the health and beauty area of the store. For the most part, the entire store seemed devoid of the cervine. Lukan was frustrated at as such and decided it would be better to start working, hoping he'd see him later. However, when the procyon turned around...

The pair of emerald green eyes blinked at him. The tan fur waved as a draft of warm, artificially heated air hit the strands. The muzzle quavered in apparent apprehension and anticipation.

"You!?" Lukan exclaimed in a mix of disbelief and anger. "Argh, not you!" Lukan was not able to hide his hostility towards the otter this time, the inability to do so fueled by frustration of not finding his boss.

"W-well hello to you to, Lukan." Klaus seemed taken aback. "I see you hate me that much then, it seems?"

"Hate? Well, I dunno if that is the right word. But you WOULD be right in assuming that I really do not want to talk to you right now, or ever again." Lukan replied hotly.

The small ears fell. "Well, I just want to keep saying that I am sorry and that I miss you every time that I can."

Lukan scoffed. "The fact you are with Platt right now tells me that you are completely full of shit when that is true. And then you say that? Fuck off with your lies already, man. I've had enough of them."

"I'm not lying," Klaus replied sadly.

"Oh yeah? Prove it."

Klaus stood there, lips quivering as he could only stutter. "I-I-"

"You can't, can you?"

"I know what you want me to do, though."

"So? If you are truly sorry and you truly miss me, then why won't you do it?" There was no response from the otter. Not even a stutter this time. "I rest my case. You're a liar who's trying to get under my fur. That's why I am leaving Lilac Grove. Not to be with you. But to get away from you."

The emeralds shrunk into a vast plane of sparkling white. "Wait. You really are leaving?"

"Yes. Unlike you, I will follow up on what I say. With you constantly trying to badger me all the time, I am starting to feel like the only way I can get away so I can move on is to, well, move away," Lukan explained coldly.

"O-oh."

"By the way Klaus? Happy birthday."

"It's not one."

"And whose fault is that? Neither was mine you know." Lukan knew the second that he said those words, they sliced through Klaus like a blade of ice. The otter let out a small gasp, his muzzle left somewhat agape as the emeralds seem to shrink even further. "I can only hope that someday you will really see what you've done, and never do it again."

Klaus' stutter got worse when he managed to speak again. "I-I keep trying to tell you that I have!"

Lukan shook his head and sighed in exasperation. "I don't believe you. Now please. Just go away. I need to tell my boss exactly what I am telling you, and hopefully for the last time by the way: Goodbye."

"What's this about a goodbye?" a familiar deep voice sound from a nearby aisle. And to Lukan's relief, it was the one he had been searching for since his shift began, over a half an hour prior. The large antlered cervid strode into view and looked between the two of them. "Oh. It's Klaus again." He sounded unamused.

"H-hi Domin, I-" Klaus started nervously.

"Yeah, yeah we know why you're here. Considering the number of times I had to come and talk to you about how Lukas here does not want to see you, how could I not?" Domin huffed impatiently.

"Thank you Domin for all that by the way. I did not think you would do that for me," Lukan admitted.

"Well, of course I cannot do something as outright rash as to ban Klaus from a public premises, I can clearly see this otter gives you quite the distress. And of course, such a thing is not conducive for working," Domin explained.

"Sir, are you saying you care more about the work than you do about me?"

"I did not say that, Lukas," Domin rebutted dismissively. "What was this about a goodbye I heard you mention?"

"Oh! Right, I was looking all over the store for you to let you know I will be planning to move next month at the end of February," Lukan felt good to have gotten the words he wanted to say to the person he wanted to say them to.

"Oh." Domin seemed to look briefly disappointed. Then he cast a harsh glance at the obviously distraught otter next to them before looking at Lukan with a sigh. "I see. And do you know when specifically this will take place?"

"February 27th," Lukan replied. "I may need to end sooner to give time for stuff like packing, yeah?"

Domin nodded stiffly, his antlers looking as though they were a strand of fur from impaling both Lukan and Klaus. "Alright then. I'll be sure to pass this message to the SM. Thank you for telling me and you-" he pointed to Klaus- "for the umpteenth time, please leave my employee alone."

Klaus grunted in a frustrated sadness. "Y-yes sir." He looked at Lukan, the emeralds suddenly sparkling bright and enormous. "I'm sorry, Lukan. I really hope someday you'll actually believe me." Once again, Lukan finds himself watching the otter walk away and in his mind as he did so, he wondered if this time will actually be the last time he'd do so. With every fiber of his being he hoped so. But with four weeks left in Lilac Grove, Lukan knew that there was a high chance it wouldn't, especially since the otter knew those days were truly numbered.

Even though Lukan knew the otter would never hear his mutter, the raccoon could not help but state under his breath, "I never will. Whatever I did to you Klaus, I'm sorry. But what you've done has no justification."

"What was that, Lukas?"

Lukan jumped, the fur on his tail bristling out. At first he thought Klaus had heard his silent remark, but realized he forgot that Domin was still standing next to him. "N-nothing, sir. I-I'll go ahead and get to work now. Lord knows I am much too behind after all this."

As lukan strode away to do his janitorial duties around the store, Lukan began to think of what he had just done. Was this the point of no return? He doubted it would be. If there was anything down the line that would keep him from leaving Lilac Grove, the window to abort his mission did just get smaller. Closer and closer to being closed shut indefinitely. Despite everything, however, Lukan did begin to feel more and more certain of his feelings regarding these decisions. It was the first major time in his life that Lukan indeed felt certain about his convictions. Such a feeling was foreign to him. He did not know what that certainty felt like. But feeling it now, only made him more certain. More eager to see everything through. And such feelings only reinforced his views even further. The simple fact that there was just one way to look and one way only.