Pitch Episode 32: Hurt
#39 of Pitch
I was still alive. A few days later, back at school, I was able to look back on my night of being hunted as just another stroke of bad luck.
"I don't know. The roof caved in, I got myself free, and then I ran home. But the next day I woke up and she left me a five-star review," I said as Wes and I ran laps around the school track.
I hated gym class, but at least the summer heat was gone.
"I'm just glad you're safe. When are you telling Nerf you're done with The Ring?" Wes asked.
"I'm not," I answered as we came to the end of our run.
We were the first to finish. I was never buff, tuff, or strong. In fact, I probably looked scrawny, but I was durable. I had the stamina to keep up with Wes, a satyr with super strength. Despite my destain for athletics, I had a little pride in myself.
"You're kidding, right? Someone tried to eat you," Wes argued as we made our way back inside the gym building.
While everyone else continued to run outside, we had the locker room to ourselves.
"Haru was one person. Next time I'll be more careful about who I help," I explained.
"If you say so," Wes said.
We got changed and ready to go to our next class, but before I could leave the locker room, Wes pulled me back.
"I'm sorry about telling people what we did," he said.
"I know you are."
"Then why are we still fighting?" He asked.
"We're not fighting," I said with a slight grin.
"You haven't been to my place in weeks. You won't kiss me in public. You were attacked, but the first person you called for help was Nerf instead of me," he went down his list as if he'd been preparing it in his head.
My grin died quickly. I didn't want to fight, especially not in the boy's locker room, but he wouldn't let me go.
"We're not fighting," I repeated.
"Then what are we doing," he asked.
There were people on the other side of the door trying to get into the locker room. With a single straight arm, Wes held the door shut with me trapped between him and it. He was serious. It was almost intimidating.
"You told people we had sex," I said.
"I know," he answered hesitantly.
"No, you don't. I get that you don't care if you're with a guy or a girl, but I do," I argued.
"So you don't like that I'm a guy," he snapped as if I hit an insecurity.
"No! What I'm trying to say is," I started to say something until the rest of our class finally overpowered Wes and got the door open.
Our coach was in the mix of bodies that pushed us out of the way. Naturally, we cut our conversation short.
Wes was my first everything. He was my first real relationship. But he told people we slept together. People thought I was gay, but what if I wasn't? I knew I liked girls, and my laptop's search history had plenty of evidence. What if the chemistry Wesson and I had was a product of our being close friends. Before the time we spent at STR together, I never imagined myself dating another guy. I never thought about it in a good or negative light, but my lack of thought had to mean something.
My being upset wasn't a matter of Wes ruining my chances with other people. I wasn't looking for a way out or a backup plan in case things didn't work between us. Every time he did something that made us more serious, it made me afraid I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't want to waste our time. Telling people we slept together was like declaring things official that I still had to figure out. I wasn't mad at Wes, not exactly. I was mad at fears that I had, and the only people I could blame were him and myself.
After school that day, I walked home alone. I wasn't ready to continue the conversation Wes and I started earlier. It was a Wednesday, but I took my time walking through the neighborhood. Like usual, Dad was still at work when I made it home, but Mom was there. She was in the kitchen cooking dinner. Things between my parents were getting serious. I couldn't tell if Mom left the house anymore. There was a subtle joy I got from knowing how well my parent's relationship was doing.
I went to my room to finally end my long day, but before I opened the door, I heard something on the other side. Danger was with someone, but it wasn't just anyone. He was with a girl. I picked up on the slight sounds of bedsprings and gasps. They were trying to be quiet. I couldn't tell for sure what they were doing, aside from making out in my bed. The longer I waited to interrupt them, the louder they grew. I had my ear pressed to the door trying to figure out who he was with.
I started to stop myself. I didn't want to snoop, but when I took a step back from the door, I heard someone's phone ring. I froze in place as I listened to someone answer the call on the other side of the door. Whoever that girl was, her voice was familiar. I heard her say, " I'll be home in a few" before hanging up. I tried to move, but before I could make myself scarce, Danger and the mystery girl were walking out of our bedroom. Still frozen in place, I stood on one side of the door while they stood on the other. I tried to make myself transparent, but of course, with my clothes still visible, they knew I was there.
It was Vista. Danger was with Vista. What was Danger doing with Vista?
"Pitch?" Danger said as the three of us held our positions.
I slowly but steadily made my face visible again.
"Vista?" I said.
She didn't answer me; rather, she stepped around Danger and me both. Even after she left the house, Danger and I stood face to face. The door frame of our bedroom acted as a dividing line between us.
"Vista?" I repeated with a raised brow.
"Yes," Danger answered.
Everyone had someone, even my magic-using doppelganger.
"How? Why?" I asked.
"She needed help with a spell, and I was there," he said with an almost smug air about himself.
He moved, and for a moment, I continued to stand there. I forgot it was my bedroom too. As I walked inside, I dropped my bookbag by the door while Danger sat at our desk. He was always working on something.
"You have Wes, don't you?" He asked while my guard was down.
"That's not the point," I answered as I turned around.
He wasn't even looking at me.
"Then what is the point," he asked without raising his eyes from the papers in front of him.
I struggled to find justification for my gripe. I didn't care if Danger and Vista were dating, but Wes and I were having trouble. I had so many hard ideas about dating Wes, and then I came home to find Danger with a girl I knew from school. Was my luck to blame, or the universe in general?
"Don't do that in my bed again," I said.
"Sure," he answered sarcastically.
I couldn't feel comfortable in my own space anymore. It wasn't my space. Having Danger there was like seeing an alternative version of myself in real-time. He went against so many significant decisions that I made, and aside from being tortured, it seemed to work for him.
"I don't like you being here," I said.
He didn't respond. I stared down the back of his head while the sound of his pin writing on paper annoyed me.
"Did you hear me? I said I don't like having you here," I argued.
He put down his pin and turned around in his seat.
"I know," he said softly.
"Then, why are you here?"
"Because Mom and Dad wanted me to stay," he said.
"If I were kidnapped, I'd never be ok with giving my life up to someone else," I argued as he turned back to his work.
"You weren't there. I don't expect you to understand," he said.
"Understand what?" I said, almost yelling.
I walked over and took the pin from his hand. He didn't look up from his papers, but I knew I had his attention.
"I'm just happy to be alive, free, and out of captivity. Everything else is extra," he said with a rolling sigh.
Nothing I did got to him. Nothing about me bothered him. I dropped his pin and started to walk away, but that's when he addressed me.
"I will admit, seeing you the way you are makes me sad. I can't believe you would give up on our dream," he said.
"What dream?" I questioned as he stood up from his seat.
I slightly stumbled backward at his sudden shift. He was a moving reflection, a moving negative, and that never became normal.
"Becoming someone so we never go back to being a sidekick, so we never go back to being the guy who's just happy being included," he said.
"I am someone," I refuted.
"Not without magic, you aren't," he laughed as he stepped around me to get to our bunk beds.
"I don't need magic to have a life," I argued.
"But you need it to have a life worth living. I have a job working with a professional magician, a hot girlfriend, and enough spells to make me untouchable. What do you have? A job as a male escort?"
"I have my friends and family," I said in my defense, but it was weak wall that Danger was ready to hammer.
"Right," he said sarcastically while he climbed up into the top bunk.
I had to literally look up at him while he talked down to me.
"You don't have Velmer. You don't have Wes, or," I said before Danger cut me off.
"Velmer loves me, and I could have Wes if I wanted."
"Screw you!" I exclaimed.
"I don't care about your friends or Wes. Maybe I did when I was trying to escape. They were all I had to keep myself going, but I'm beyond all of that now. I have a career and the potential for greatness. You're just floundering around looking for what I already have."
He was so sure of himself while I struggled to find solid ground. I couldn't stand to be in that room anymore. I made my way to the door.
"I could show you how to be more like me. I'd like it better that way," he said.
"No, thanks," I answered.
"You know things would be easier my way, they'd be more fun too."
"I don't need magic; I am magic."
"That is so cheesy, it's sad," he laughed.
As I held the doorknob ready to leave, half of me wanted to explode while the other felt defeated and deflated. How could any version of myself ever be such a parallel? The first time Wes spoke that line to me, I thought it was funny, but I always respected it. I had faith in those words, so hearing my doppelganger laugh was almost like being spit in the face. I had faith that I was capable of finding a new path. I had faith that I could be more than my bad days. I had faith that I would find my place in the world. But Danger didn't believe those things. Wes, on the other hand, always believed.
In spite of every doubt that I had about our relationship, Wes was the person I wanted at that moment. I hated that it took being pissed off to make me move on, but it did.
As I opened the door, I heard mom yell from the kitchen that it was time to eat.