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Memory 1

Coulda swore I'd seen it before. Paranoia. I was paranoid, totally. I was convinced this, all of this, was a mere illusion. A sadistic twist of the truth. A string of lies so intricate they infiltrated 3D space.

I had come to a conclusion: we see only what we're shown by our minds and our matter. This is perception; that is reality. It's everything we ever were or will be.

There I was, waxing philosophical staring starry eyed into the night when Cecil said "it's ready" and broke me free of reverie.

Focus flipped I found an answer and a riddle. The nachos were ready, I understood, but why did we make them in the first place? Context bloomed as fried synapses re-forged old connections. I recalled. I was with Cecil, Ruben and Bluebird after a night out. We were at Blue's apartment and we had shared a joint. Or two.

The nachos were ready. I understood. I always had really, if you think about it.

Then Ruben said "it's your turn" and I was thrown through a loop all over again.

Blue was staring at me and giggling. I found a soft smile in my sluggish state and shined it his way. I met the three of them a week ago, a few months into our first year of college. We became fast friends after bumping into one another at a house party hosted by some rich kid who had rented the place out all to himself. By the end of the night we were all inebriated, chatting, laughing. Someone made a jibe at our mystery host's expense, barely anyone at the party actually knew him personally, or even knew his name, but here we all were. I remember Bluebird's smile as he shook his head. He was nervous to admit it, but he was the host.

His family was rather well-to-do apparently. He wanted to meet people and make friends, so he threw a party.

Learning that shifted my perception. My bias kicked in. I thought he would be prissy, I thought I wouldn't like him. Nothing could've been further from the truth. Blue and I took to each other so quickly and so fiercely that I found it frightening at times. He was funny, he was clever, we got along so well and, though I feared to admit it to myself, I thought he was beautiful. His slim physique, the precise and graceful way he handled himself, his plumage - oh my god, his plumage - that gorgeous gallery of sapphire, indigo and saffron.

I wanted to fuck him.

Now, I'm bi. I'd known that for a few years, but I'd never actually had a boyfriend. I'd never been with a guy. I'd never even outwardly expressed my desires for another man, but with Blue, if things kept progressing as they had... I felt like it would happen eventually. I felt, somehow, that it was inevitable.

Unless he was straight. God I hoped he wasn't straight. He hadn't talked about girlfriends or pussy like Ruben and Cecil had, but he hadn't outed himself as some shade of queer like I had either. I didn't know what to make of it.

"It's your fuckin' turn bird boy."

The words brought me back to the moment abruptly.

Were they meant for me?

"Ribbon, come on, listen."

It was Ruben, his sly eyes narrowed and his sandy ears tilted toward me as though implicating me of all the worlds ills. I pleaded guilty.

"Oh fuck, I thought you were black."

Ruben snorted and laughed loud. Bluebird covered his beak and giggled, eyes more full of joy than schadenfreude, at least I hoped as much.

I could barely tear my gaze away from him. When he had first introduced himself I didn't take him seriously. I mean, what kind of a name is 'Bluebird', least of all for an actual blue bird?

It was a nickname, obviously, though one he had gone by since an early age. He found more comfort and identity in it than in his given name, and he felt it fit him. As on-the-beak as it was I had to agree, not just in the literal sense, but in the sound and feel of it too. Blue, oh Blue. I couldn't get enough of you.

"My fur's, like, orange, dude," Ruben said between bursts of laughter. My focus snapped back toward him.

"I know it is, fox. I'm talking about the black pieces. We're playing chess."

Ruben's face screwed up as he realized the indisputable truth of my words. He looked down at the board, examined it and laughed again.

"You're right, I am black."

"No you're orange you fucking twerp."

"You two are fucking idiots," Cecil said.

Blue and I laughed.

"What did we do wrong?" Ruben asked, as though he'd just been informed his group project had been graded F.

"I said the fucking nachos are ready, come get 'em."

Memory 2

3BAAF. That was the name of our group chat. Three Birds And A Fox. That's what it stood for. Not very catchy, I'll admit, but at least it was short.

The first year of college was almost over, a lot had happened since those early days, but the bond the four of us shared had only strengthened and grown in that time.

When it came to Bluebird and I, it had grown far faster and to greater lengths than could have been predicted by either of us.

Though maybe I should have predicted. I wasn't entirely conscious of it at the time, but I did everything and anything I could to get closer to him day after day after day, though parts of him were still a mystery to me.

One time I asked Blue what his real name was. He made some noncommittal noise and told me Bluebird was as real a name as he'd ever had.

In a matter of months after meeting him he was riding my dick, in his bed. Blue was my first, but I wasn't his. He taught me everything I know about sex. He was out of this world. Oh Ribbon. Oh Blue.

He made me nut so fucking hard.

I'd never had a boyfriend before. Now I never wanted to need one again.

I told him I loved him. He told me we're still young. I didn't let it dissuade me.

I did love him. I do. He fucked other boys but I only fucked him. He asked, I let him. He knew how devoted I was. He got off on it I'm sure, the power he had over me. He wouldn't tell you he did, but he did.

I succumbed to it. I loved that too. I told him as much. What did that make me? A submissive top? Something like that.

At least I was some kind of fool to fall into that trap.

I learned his given name at some point. I tried it on him, thought it might be impressive. I was wrong. The sound of it was like nails on a chalkboard to him. Sore nerve. I never dared asked why. Blue was Blue, and that was that. And I couldn't get enough of him.

But it wasn't just me and him. It was Cecil and Ruben. It was all of us united as friends, brothers. It felt like nothing could come between us. It felt like nothing ever would.

We had each other's backs and shoulders and in some cases, more. Companionship, empathy, pep talks, advice, silence. Whatever we wanted or needed from each other was ours.

We all said: "second year, we're moving in together."

And, college? College was going just fine.

Memory 3

"I miss Blue," said Cecil.

Room meet elephant. Elephant meet room.

So, what happened to Blue?

He dropped out.

It all happened so suddenly. One day in second year we woke up to see him hauling ass out the door along with boxes of his stuff.

Now, at that point Bluebird and I had been in and out of a relationship with one another so regularly our friends had started calling me Rachel.

You'd think with his twinky effeminate getup and his fucking Legally Blonde gay ass affectation he'd be the Rachel. But no. Ross. If you had to ask why, I already know you weren't there. I was Blue's bitch when he had me under his wing. I'd do anything for him.

But it never seemed to be enough.

And whenever we grew apart I'd remember nothing about the feelings I had felt. It was scary to remember myself when it seemed like I was someone else, because how I was then was so wrong to me now. It made no sense that we were ever together.

God I was a fool. But thought Blue fooler.

We were like objects winding in the air, twisting in a tornado eventually to disappear from each other's view entirely or collide in a scene of obscene performative attraction, glamorizing all that pointless pain and suffering as though it were nothing. Every kiss was our first kiss. Every kiss was our last.

And when it had been a while since we were last together - when I'd cooled off - I thought nothing of that either.

I was all contradictions and compromises.

That's how my life went for quite a while.

So, when we saw Bluebird hauling ass out of the house that day, I wasn't on his friend list. He'd literally blocked me. I probably deserved it to be honest, but he had literally blocked me. Usually when I say someone's not on my friend list I mean it figuratively, but no, he had literally blocked me.

I wasn't bothered though, obviously.

Anyway, we were on an off period.

So when he clocked that I'd seen him, he looked into my eyes and I showed him near nothing. Just: "oh, you're going?" with barely a question. He shot back with venom that faded into pain and then looked away.

It was a shame, I thought, that Ruben was there to ask him what the fuck was going on. He might have left otherwise, in a huff, with tears in his eyes. But when I thought like that I started to cry. And he saw me cry. And he ignored Ruben, he just asked me why. And I walked over and kissed him and he kissed back and we both felt inside that this was a forever thing, it had to be, even if it didn't work out this time, baby.

The revelation was a wake-up slap for me, but for him it hit even harder. It must have, because I found more tears and he found only fear and left that day anyway.

Yeah. No. Of course he didn't stay.

It had been two months since, it was closing in on the end of the year.

And Cecil said: "I miss Blue."

Are we clear?

Of course I missed Blue too. More than anything.

He unblocked me.

I noticed because I checked his Furbook every few days. He hadn't re-added me. I hadn't re-added him, yet, either.

"Me too," Ruben chimed in. "I mean, he's still paying his share regardless, I don't see why he didn't stick around. He doesn't have to attend college to live here."

"He wanted to get away," Cecil said.

They both looked at me.

Bluebird didn't leave because of me, not really. In the back of my mind I knew that, but the implicit accusation hurt all the same.

I was ready to admit it to the two of them by then.

I was finally ready.

"I miss him too."

They read it all on my face, there was so much more to see than my words could expressed alone.

They softened. They stopped accusing me with their glares. They felt bad for doing so in the first place.

Ruben smiled and laughed and said: "at least now I don't have to listen to the two of you fucking and moaning in the middle of the night."

I tried to find the humor in it. I couldn't.