FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Kahnso's eyes opened in the dark. For a moment he believed he was back in his own bed, that the road trip consuming the last few days had been only a dream. His wife was snuggled beside him, a warm bulk in the cool bedroom, her snore familiar and soothing.

Sleepiness peeled away like rind off of a fruit, leaving him awake and aware. Kahnso, who traveled often for pleasure and for tours, did not get homesick. What he felt was more like a kind of dread, a discomfort that was beyond his ability to articulate. As much as he talked about comforting his wife, being here for her in this time of need, he wished very selfishly that she could handle it herself. He could have found some way to amuse himself, even in DeKalb, Illinois, in the dead of winter. But he was needed here.

He gingerly pulled away from her. Her fingers brushed across his chest, her breath pausing, and then she curled in upon herself. Kahnso tugged the blankets up around her shoulder and got out of bed.

Using his phone for light, he left the bedroom and walked down the stairs as subtly as he could. His steps were quieter, at least, than those of the large-footed kangaroo who lived there.

Kahnso saw him in the den, asleep with a novel in his lap, his thumb stuck into the pages like a bookmark. Kahnso waited by the bottom step of the stairs, contemplating rejoining his wife, when Jeffrey's eyes flickered open. He looked around as if in a daze, then at Kahnso's unmissable bulk.

"What time is it?" Jeffrey asked, his manners dulled by sleep still clinging to him like a film.

The fox conferred with his phone. "About five in the morning." He glanced up the stairs. "I just came down to get a drink."

Jeffrey nodded. He gestured towards the kitchen with his novel. "Help yourself," he said with more politeness.

Kahnso found the kitchen cramped but cozy. He went through the routine of filling a glass of water, not that he was very thirsty, but drank it down anyway. He came back out into the den and started for the stairs when Jeffrey's voice stopped him.

"Could I ask a favor of you?"

Kahnso squeezed the knob of the banister. "Sure."

The old kangaroo adjusted the crocheted blanket in his lap. He turned his blue eyes on the dimming fireplace. The coals within glowed, the fire banked but mostly dormant. "Can you toss a couple logs on? Getting moving with these knees of mine, especially in the winter..."

"It's fine, I can do that," the fox said, trying his best to sound polite. He had to ask himself what exactly made him uncomfortable about Jeffrey. The kangaroo was pleasant; his intentions seemed genuine. And, although Veronica had her worries, Kahnso did not believe the old kangaroo was a current addict. Nothing in his body language said it. The house was clean and Jeffrey's hygiene seemed to be in order, both things which went to hell first when a habit really dug in its claws.

Kahnso pushed away his discomfort. He had only known the kangaroo for perhaps half an hour and he hadn't been called son yet. That gave him a little respect for Jeffrey.

He squatted near the fireplace and drew back the chain curtain covering it. From the brass rack nearby, he hoisted one of the dry logs and dropped it carefully on the smoldering coals. He added a second, leaving a gap of roughly half an inch between them. Then he prodded the coals with the poker, stirring sparks out of them and coaxing them to let off some of their banked heat. When the dry surface of the logs began to blacken, Kahnso tamped off the poker and pulled the curtain back into place.

"I have to be honest," Jeffrey chuckled, "I wasn't sure you'd know what you were doing."

"It's just a fireplace," Kahnso said, more bewildered than offended. "I've got three of them."

When Kahnso turned to look at Jeffrey, he saw the kangaroo was smiling slyly.

"Don't take that the wrong way. It's just that a man finds out his daughter married some wealthy celebrity, he tends to worry."

Kahnso's eyes narrowed slightly. "Worry about what, exactly? I take fine care of my wife."

Jeffrey's smile remained sly, but his eyes seemed to change, show a bit of indignity. Or maybe Kahnso only imagined it. "I know what you mean by that. I'm sure my daughter's told you a lot about the kind of man I was." He folded his hands over his stomach. His knuckles were thick, arthritic knots. "Have you ever heard the saying that a girl marries her father?"

Kahnso growled. "I've been clean for ten years," he said, but not in the prideful way he wanted to.

"So have I, more or less," Jeffrey said with a shrug. "It doesn't mean I don't still want the stuff. The doctors offered me pills for my arthritis and you don't know how badly I'd love to take 'em up on that. I just know where it would lead me."

Now Kahnso said nothing. He stared at Jeffrey, one paw on the mantel, the other pressed against his side. For a moment, one very vivid moment, he imagined throttling the old kangaroo, popping his head like it was a zit.

The kangaroo leaned back in his chair. His eyes fell on the burgeoning fire lapping over the fresh fuel of the two logs. He rubbed his knuckles and said quietly, "I'm sorry. Honestly, I am."

"Mm."

"I feel... a little bit jealous of you, I suppose. Not because of your wealth." He waved that off. "But, you see, it's Veronica. It's my daughter."

"What about her?" Kahnso was wary as well as annoyed.

Jeffrey peered into the fire. "That she ran away to get herself and her brother away from one addict, and walked right into the arms of another." His eyes snapped onto Kahnso's, so fierce and alert that the fox was given pause. "Because you still are. You can stay clean for as long as you want, but you'll always want it. That's how it is for us."

"I'm past that," said Kahnso in a warning tone. He passed Jeffrey, heading for the stairs. "I've got a daughter. I'm past that shit now."

"I had a daughter and a son," Jeffrey spoke conversationally. "We said we could quit, and it was fine because we were both functional."

Kahnso wheeled on him. "Why didn't you call Aaron, too? And don't tell me you did. If you had called him, his wife would have told Veronica before you were even off the phone."

Jeffrey met Kahnso's stare. "You know why, I think. Boys - and the men they grow into - are even more emotional than women, they just don't show it the same way. Aaron won't forgive me."

"And Veronica will? Why? Because she was a daddy's girl?"

The kangaroo looked sternly at Kahnso for a moment. The fox thought Jeffrey had an excellent poker face, if nothing else. "She was always more partial to me than her mother, I suppose you could say. Don't you have a daughter, Kahnso?"

Now Kahnso did summon the pride and indignity he had wished for earlier. "I'd never put my daughter through what you did to your kids."

Jeffrey grappled with the armrests of his chair. His knuckles emitted a crescendo of wet crunches. "It's so easy for you to stand there and be sanctimonious, isn't it? Because you're such an excellent father with a daughter who won't ever want for anything. Your car in the driveway is worth as much as my house. If you really are such a good man, then I am happy for my daughter and my granddaughter but I deserve the opportunity to make peace." He spoke quietly, aware of his daughter resting upstairs, but his words were a savage hiss. Without the need to be quiet, he would have shouted the words.

Kahnso held his gaze for several seconds. The classes came to mind, the lessons on how to deal with anger. He hated those classes. It always felt to him like he was trying to plug a volcano, that burying his anger was only making it more potent. He moved away from Jeffrey, ignoring the kangaroo when he questioned Kahnso's bravery. He went into the kitchen. From there, out the back door into the biting cold of the night. His fur was plush and warm; the wind stung against his face where it was thinner.

The home had a small, uncovered deck. Kahnso leaned against the railing, not thinking of whether or not it would support him. He looked out into a black night full of swirling snow.

Kahnso stood there for a few moments, then he fished his phone out of his pocket. He sent Seg a brief text, asking if she was awake.

She replied back that she was, and asked if there was trouble. He called her.

"What's the matter?" she asked him as her greeting. Her thick Australian accent was comforting to Kahnso. He felt a pang of sadness. "Car break down?"

In the background, Kahnso heard his daughter. "Is it daddy?"

"Seg, hey," Kahnso murmured. "It-, no, we're fine. We got here, no problem."

"Then what's the matter? I know that tone. Someone's got you-," Seg was about to curse and remembered how close Alex was, "you're pretty hot right now, I imagine. What happened? You have a go at the old man?"

Kahnso smiled slightly. "Thought about it," he admitted. "Putting an old asshole with arthritis in the hospital isn't as fun as it sounds, though."

On the other end, Kahnso could hear the faint voice of his daughter. "Gramma, lemme talk to da-a-ad!"

Seg chuckled. "Kahnso, honey, would you talk to this little girl of yours? She's been dying to hear your voice."

"What exactly is she doing up at five in the morning, huh?" Kahnso sternly asked.

"Well," Seg murmured, "it's only three in the morning here..."

Before Kahnso could push the issue, Alex was cooing into the phone, "Daddy, hi!"

"Hi, sweetheart," the big fox said, smiling fully now. The anger had fizzled out. He felt the bite of the cold but had no desire to talk to his daughter in front of Jeffrey. "Grandma letting you stay up late?"

"Um, well-," Alex mumbled.

"It's all right. I'm gonna spank her for it, though," he said. "You doing all right? Not crying, are you?"

"No-o-o," the little girl sighed. "But I miss you and mommy."

"We miss you too, honey. We miss you a lot." He switched the phone to his other ear and tucked his paw under his armpit. He was starting to shiver. Snow clotted in his hair and fur. "We're gonna try to be home as soon as we can, but mommy's got important things to do out here."

Alex huffed. "Okay," she morosely said.

"I love you, honey. I'll have mommy call you later, how does that sound?"

"Okay," Alex said again, not much more cheer in her voice.

Seg was back in his ear after a moment. She said softly, "I don't know what you did, but she's going up to her room. Pretty sure she's crying."

Kahnso winced. "Dammit."

The wolf chuckled. "She'll be fi-i-ine. She's a little girl. Little girls get emotional when they want their mom and dad." After a pause, she asked, "But what about you, hon? I worry about ya."

"The guy's a dick," he said flatly. "All smiles with Veronica, but he showed me what he's really like. What the fuck do I do? Am I supposed to tell her her old man's an asshole?"

Seg seemed to consider. On the other end she was sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, her knees up in her chest. Ordinarily she would have done this in a slim nightie, or preferably nude; around Alex she suffered in sweat pants and t-shirts.

"Kahnso," she said, beginning as politely as she could, "you know getting clean didn't magically make you a better person, right? I'd be willing to bet if you asked the right person, they'd probably say you were still a prick."

"Seg, what the hell? How is that supposed to help me?"

"Hey, I'll admit, I don't know the man. I'm just trying to say that you've still got some rough edges, so maybe that's the case with him."

Kahnso wiped snow off of his face. It melted under his fingers and smeared into his fur. "You don't understand, this guy, he resents me. He's pulling some emotional manipulation shit on Veronica. He didn't even bother with Aaron, but he knows his little girl will always take him back."

Seg paused again. "Okay, suppose he is. Why, then?"

"How the fuck should I know?" Kahnso spat.

The wolf huffed. Kahnso could see her now, disappointed with him. Frowning, eyes closed, rubbing her temple. It was the way she had looked so many times after telling him what kind of trouble he had gotten into on a bender.

"Kahnso, I love you to death, but I can't help you. I'm all for being moral support but I don't know the bloody old fool, you're gonna have to figure this out for yourself. I know you didn't completely kill your brain with drink and drugs, so you need to decide for yourself what's going on and take care of your woman if need be."

"Seg-"

"Go get some sleep, Kahnso," Seg sighed.

"Seg!"

He heard nothing. The phone was silent against his ear. He took it away from his face and stared at it hatefully. It took him a few seconds to decide not to throw it into the yard.

He could take the cold no longer. He put his phone back into his pocket and let himself in.