Cohabitation - April
#4 of Cohabitation
It is surprisingly hard to write about the mechanics of a mood disorder in a way that sounds like someone who only just knows what they're talking about, when you have a significantly more sophisticated and expert understanding of mood disorders. And no, this isn't a real disorder, not to my knowledge, but that makes it even harder because I KNOW what I want it to do so I have to try to figure out how to say it like someone who doesn't. Hopefully I did a good enough job. Here is the end of the first act, where things take a sizable shift.
CONTENT WARNING: This chapter has discussions of mental disorders and mentions of suicidal thoughts.
It was a bright and sunny day, perfect temperature, the kind of weather that made many people want to get outside and do something. But inside Jake's room, it was dark and gloomy and quiet, the weather unable to permeate inside and beckon to him. Even if it could, he was in no condition to respond.
The wolf laid in bed, moving so little one might have mistaken him for a cadaver if not for the slight breaths. He'd barely been out of the bed in ten days, hadn't changed out of his shirt and boxers which were definitely less than fresh by this point. He couldn't have possibly cared less about that, though, or anything else.
Really, all that was on his mind was that he was a miserable excuse for a living creature.
It felt like an endless weight crushing him, a self-loathing that arrested any movement and made him capable of nothing and desiring of nothing. This was as bad as it had ever been, he was in a state that could only generously qualify as existing, and beyond that was just about nothing. Even something as simple as trying to think about something seemed beyond him, it was more just that subconscious flattening that felt like it was going to push him down further into the mattress of his bed until he disappeared. He could barely muster the energy to get to the bathroom, get water or even a little food...he'd not eaten nearly enough since it had hit, but didn't even care, he didn't feel like eating.
Slowly the door opened, and Lyle stepped in, wrinkling his nose. "Holy shit, you really need to hit the shower," he grumbled as he brought in some crackers and juice. He didn't look especially pleased to be doing this, especially with Jake being barely responsive to him. "Are you actually gonna eat this time, or is it going to go to waste again?"
"Mmmnnh..." It was all the more Jake could even muster. His tongue didn't really want to make words.
Lyle was scowling at him as he set the tray on the nightstand. "Seriously, what's your deal now? Are you trying to pull another fast one on me? Are you just going to jump right up like nothing was ever wrong if I even hint that I'd put out for you?"
If that was supposed to get a rise out of Jake, it failed - the wolf didn't even make a motion, just another apathetic moan. His mind didn't even register the idea of it - the quagmire of dismal despondency was too deep to allow anything else in. He was utterly ambivalent as the fox turned and left; all that happened was that his nose smelled the food and drink and he managed to take a little bit in, almost in zombie-like fashion, before falling into near-stasis again.
Lyle wasn't sure what was up with this new behavior, but it wasn't doing anything for him.
It had started just a day or two into April. He had gone most of the day without realizing that Jake hadn't left his bedroom. Looking inside, he had found the wolf still in bed, looking about as dull and pitiful as Lyle had ever seen someone...it reminded him a bit too much of his aunt in her last days, though not as physically sickly. He had shrugged it off, assuming that it was another stunt and the wolf would give up.
Well, either something was really wrong, or he was going full-bore this time. Lyle still didn't trust it wasn't the latter...but Jake had hardly been eating, hadn't done much more than shuffle around a bit to use the restroom, and he looked as out of it as ever. Was he really so determined to get sex from Lyle that he would literally be letting himself waste away like that?
I've seen some people who were that desperate...I don't want to take much risk if he's looking to ambush me. But he didn't respond when I brought it up earlier...ugh. This is annoying, I can't be taking care of him, not when I don't know what's up with him.
He headed back downstairs to make himself something to eat, but didn't even make it to the kitchen before hearing a phone ring. It was coming from the wolf's work bag...which had been sitting on the table for the past two weeks. Lyle had done nothing with it, it wasn't his job to pick up after Jake. But with the phone ringing...maybe it was nothing important, or maybe it would offer some insight. If it was one of that wolf's damn friends asking how the plot was going, well, he'd have his answer.
The name on the caller ID, Daimon Pross, wasn't familiar, but he wasn't sure if he remembered who all those people were. The only one he really could recall clearly was Xander, and that had been the guy who had been pretty cool. This wasn't him, though...he pressed on the screen and brought it up to his ear. "Hello?"
"...Hello? Jake?" It was a male voice on the other end, deeper, not familiar, and very businesslike.
"Uh, he can't...come to the phone right now?" Lyle wasn't sure that was entirely true, but he didn't know what else to say.
"...Who is this?"
"Oh, uh...I'm Lyle. I'm his...roommate. Sorry, I wouldn't normally answer, but he's not...uh, acting normal right now."
"Shit." The way the voice said that filled Lyle with a deeper dread. That wasn't the voice of someone unconcerned. "Let me guess...he's been curled up in bed, not eating, basically unresponsive, not doing anything at all other than just kind of existing, and barely even that."
"Yeah...that's about the sum of it."
"Dammit. I knew I should have watched him better...of fucking course he'd do it, I pushed him so hard..." There was a deep breath, slowly let out, and then they spoke up again. "Okay, let's see if I remember...can you go find where he keeps his...daily maintenance stuff?"
Lyle had little clue what that meant, but he assumed it was something he'd find in the wolf's bathroom or bedroom. The bathroom seemed more appealing to him at the moment, if Jake was contagious with something then he needed to be careful. He hadn't been into this bathroom in a long time, it was only courteous to give Jake his private space as long as he wasn't doing any damage. "Okay, it might be here...what am I looking for?"
"Look to see if you can find a bottle filled with...fuck, let me think...red and yellow pills? I think those are the colors."
Pills? Lyle had to collect himself. He had no idea that Jake was taking anything. What else didn't he know about the wolf? Granted, he'd mostly tried to avoid too much direct interaction...shaking it off, he looked in the medicine cabinet. It wasn't hard to find the pill bottle, there was just one and it was pretty obvious. Opening it up, he found red and white pills inside. "Uh, could they be red and white?"
"Yes! That's what it was, not yellow. Okay, can you...make sure he takes them twice a day? Double-check the bottle to make sure that's right, but that's what I remember. And tell him not to worry about coming into work until he's back up to functional."
"...What's wrong with him?"
"He didn't tell you? Ah, that figures, he doesn't like to talk about it, but still, he should've let you know...it's better that you talk to him about it, though, I don't know as much about it as he does. Call me if anything gets worse." The phone clicked and went dead...Lyle groaned. Daimon hadn't given a phone number...well, maybe he could look one up online if he had to. With a sigh, he poured some water into a cup on the sink and brought it and the pill into Jake's room. The wolf seemed either asleep or catatonic, only barely responding as the fox approached, just like all the rest of the days...and suddenly he was feeling a bit miserable himself, not even realizing something was actually wrong.
"I don't know what's going on, but someone you know told me to give this to you." He held the water and pill out to Jake. It seemed agonizingly slow, but eventually he did take the pill...rather than downing it with water, he just put it in his mouth and swallowed. "...All right, then. You're definitely familiar with this. Uh...right."
Jake wasn't responsive, but Lyle figured the pills wouldn't take effect that quickly. Hopefully it wouldn't be too long...if he was having to play babysitter he wanted some answers.
Two days wasn't terribly long, but it sort of felt like it.
Lyle had been making lunch when he finally heard it. The wolf was dragging himself down the stairs, his steps hitting rather heavily and slowly but at least present. He still looked pretty out of it, there was no question he wasn't 100%, but at least he seemed more than a step away from wasting away to nothing.
"About time you showed your face to the world." Lyle was trying to sound humorous about it, but even to him it sounded a bit flat.
Jake didn't seem to pick up on that, thankfully. "Mmnh...still feel like crap...'s there any food around?"
"The usual. I ordered a delivery last week, so we're pretty decently stocked with anything that's not super perishable..." Lyle's voice trailed off as Jake sort of walked past him, seeming to barely notice he was talking. It was annoying, but the wolf was still only half-there...he might not even have realized he asked a question. Whatever was wrong with him hit like a truck, and it sure as heck wasn't dying down any time soon.
Jake in the end managed to scrabble together some crackers and juice, though he spilled some of each in the process. His movements didn't look fluid, and Lyle couldn't tell why, if that was just his mental state again or if something was physically affecting him. He hadn't seemed at all inhibited in the previous months...what did he have that was so devastating if he missed those pills?
They were at the table together as Jake ate...Lyle wasn't sure he could remember a time that they ate at the same time in the same place, usually he was trying to avoid too much contact with the wolf and Jake sometimes was a pest when he was eating. He wasn't today, but that didn't make it any more comfortable - it was like watching an invalid try to eat, Jake was so slow about it and dragged it out so long, Lyle rather thought he wouldn't manage it.
Owing to that discomfort, he was perhaps not as tactful as he could have been when making the next point. "You should probably hit the shower as soon as you can handle it. You're kinda rank."
"Mmm." It was all the response Lyle was going to get to that, but it sounded at least like an acknowledgement. Lyle's muzzle wrinkled a bit, and it wasn't due to the odor; here Jake was barely able to feed himself, and he was griping to him about relatively trivial things. This wasn't the first time he'd had to deal with someone who needed taking care of...what would his aunt have said if he'd been that callous while tending to her in her final days? Whatever Jake's issue was, he needed help, and he needed at least an iota of compassion. He could worry about what happened after the recovery later.
"...Listen. If you need anything...I'll try to help you however I can. I have some experience with, uh...people who aren't in good shape to take care of themselves. Just...you know, let me know..."
"Mmm." Another non-committal response, but at least it was a response. Lyle decided to leave it at that for now - whether Jake chose to take him up on it, the offer was there. And if he had to push the issue, well, it was still his house, he could care for the wolf if he wanted to. But hopefully it wouldn't come to that...
Over the next four days, Jake was steadily on the upswing. He did take Lyle up on his offer to a degree - largely, getting some laundering and cleaning done in his room, which really needed to be freshened up after he had barely left it for two weeks, and getting some more substantial food into his body - but he was able to care for himself more, and his feebleness was slowly improving both physically and mentally. He was certainly more lucid, though clearly still heavily drained from whatever it was that was afflicting him.
Which finally came to light as they sat at the table again. It was a good meal, Lyle had put effort into preparing it, and Jake finally had the appetite for it, but there was a point to making sure they were both present. "I'm glad to see you're getting better...but now I need you to come clean. Because I wasn't expecting anything like this to happen, and if I have to face the potential of dealing with this again, I need to know what I'm up against."
Jake nodded wearily. "Yeah...okay. I'll tell you what I know...it's not as much as I wish I did. Wish that I didn't have to know about it at all, that I'd wake up and this stupid thing would just be...gone." He grunted drearily. "That's gotten me into more shit that I care to remember..."
"It sounds strange...I've never seen anything like that before."
The wolf sighed a bit. "I haven't met anyone else with it, but it's supposed to be really rare...they don't even know what causes it. The doctors call it Bipolar Type VII, but...really, it's not much beyond a name."
Lyle raised an eyebrow. "Wait, there's seven types of Bipolar Disorder?"
"Hell if I know. I guess so? I didn't look into that very deeply...really didn't want to. They don't really know what happens, they just...THINK they have an idea. I guess, my brain one day really suddenly got hungry for one of those brain chemicals or another, and it basically went into glutton mode for it. I don't really know, I don't think they really know why..." Jake fumbled with his fork a bit, almost dropping it before getting it steady in his hand. "And stuff like this happens as a result."
"It was more than that, though..."
"Yeah. It's like...while it's eating to its hearts content, I'm supercharged. I have this energy that feels like it'll never end, and I'm so keyed up I can barely keep up with myself. But then I drop like a rock. I guess I can't make enough of that brain juice for it to keep up with the demand or something. So my brain runs out, and I just...it's like it can't work properly, I can't think the way I want, it's hard to move or do just about anything, and I have just this overwhelming feeling of being garbage, worthless, pathetic, and basically just feeling like I want to stay in one spot until I get turned to dust. I usually feel like I want to kill myself but I can't even work up the energy to do that."
The 'bipolar' part of it was a bit more clear to Lyle now. "And that pill helps?"
"Yeah. It makes my brain behave, keeps it from eating all that brain juice. I guess I'm lucky, because they said that it doesn't work as well for everyone...when I take my pills, I'm almost normal. If I get stressed I might swing a bit, but not nearly as bad. But...it's like...I want to wake up one morning and be normal, not have to take a pill twice every day to seem that way. So it's hard not to want to just...not take the stuff. Even if I know it helps, I just...I want to not need help. And when I'm feeling overwhelmed...I guess sometimes I want that rush to help me get through it. But I almost never remember to start taking them again once it's over..."
"Like this time," Lyle surmised. "You crashed pretty hard at the start of the month."
"Yeah. I'm...just glad I managed to get through the launch. If I'd lost it before that...ugh. I know it's a bad idea, but...sometimes when I'm stressed out, I just...feel like I'd rather get that burst and then deal with the consequences later. I know it's not smart, but...hell, sometimes I think my brain wants it that way, it's so greedy that it affects the way I think. Doesn't even care that it'll kill me if it gets its way without anything standing in its way..."
"So...does that happen often?"
Jake shrugged. "It's been over a year since the last time I had an episode like that...it was a lot more frequent when I was in college, but Daimon would catch me a lot and get me back right before too long. Don't think I would have made it through college without him...and he wanted to hire me right off even though he knows about this, too, so I was lucky on a lot of fronts. But it also gives me extra pressure to do a lot more work because I feel like I owe him a lot..."
"What should I do if it happens again?"
"Just what you did. The medication's all I've got. If it ever stops working, well, you're gonna have to call an ambulance and get me taken to the hospital, because there's nothing else I can do."
Lyle nodded. "Okay...I guess that's what I'll do then. But try to remember to keep taking those...do you need reminders?"
Jake paused. "I guess...if I have an episode like this, it's when it's hardest to remember, so if you were okay with that...at least for a couple weeks, I wouldn't mind. And you're free to disregard any grumpiness I have over it. I know I shouldn't be grouchy over someone trying to help me, but my mood doesn't really work properly during this phase."
"I guess I get that." Lyle sighed a bit. "I wish I'd known about this before...I wasn't prepared to have to deal with something like this again."
"Sorry...I know that's something I'm supposed to do. Everyone tells me, make sure the people around me know what my deal is so they can help if I have trouble...and I just...it's embarrassing, kinda, to be having to do something like that. Like, I don't want to be an invalid or anything like that...I just...want to be normal. But...look, I know it's stupid to think that way, I have to be real, but I just don't know how to convince myself that that's the right thing to do."
"...I guess I understand." Lyle couldn't really blame him fully - he remembered his aunt was stubborn about trying to do things herself until she literally couldn't anymore. People didn't want to give up their independence to illness. "But now that I know...well, just keep me in the loop, so I can help you properly."
Jake nodded slowly. "There's no point in trying to keep it a secret anymore. I'll make sure you know everything...and I'll try to make it so you don't have to deal with it much. I know how much I hate having to deal with it myself, so...yeah, I don't wanna put anyone else through that."
Lyle decided it would not be the best time to talk about what else Jake had been putting him through that was pretty terrible. The wolf was still in a pretty delicate position, as even if he was annoyed, causing another downward spiral would have caused him a great deal of guilt. At the very least, maybe his helping here could be something he could use to get Jake to back down later on if he had to.
"Ugh...barely feels like this month even happened." It was right near the end of April, and Jake was finally feeling closer to normal again as he stepped out of the shower. Not entirely back to his usual, but recovered enough that he was no longer having to rely on Lyle's help to do basic everyday activities. He honestly scarcely remembered most of the month, the entire first half was more or less a haze of lost time, the only thing he could recall was the heavy deal of self-loathing and depression. Feelings that he always hated, and which had hit quite hard this time around...harder than ever before. He wondered if that was because of how long he was under, or if it was a sign that the effects were getting worse, or if it was just random.
Even though he'd gotten out of the fog, though, the depression hadn't been entirely gone. By this point his mood was normal, but even after getting back under his own power he still felt pretty rotten for a long time. And though he didn't like it, as he looked in the bathroom mirror and rubbed his eyes, there were a few things about that which he had to accept were his own doing.
He could have just left me to rot. It wasn't his responsibility to take care of me. But he helped anyway...and I didn't do a damn thing to deserve it.
He'd been kicking himself over this for days now. One of the hard truths he had to face up to was that he'd treated Lyle like straight-up garbage. And he didn't have any real excuse for it, either - it was plain arrogance and selfishness that had him thinking he deserved something out of his roommate. Sure, Lyle was an oddity among foxes, but so what? That was his choice. He didn't exist just so Jake could have some convenient tail. And yet, for weeks, that was basically all he thought of Lyle. Someone who had just helped him out of probably his worst funk since before his diagnosis, and all he'd done was make the fox miserable with his presence.
I don't know if I would have been so kind if the tables were turned. He deserves a lot better than what I've been giving him.
He sighed deeply, shaking his head. It was too late to undo what he had already done...all he could do was do better going forward. So that was what he was going to do. If he didn't deserve it before, then he needed to be worthy of deserving it after the fact.
No more pressure, no more come-ons, no more games. He doesn't want me, and I won't try to make him. I mean, not like I'm in the mood right now anyway, but that's as good a time to start as any - get into the habit of looking at him like a person rather than a piece of meat. For once, I'm going to start behaving like I have some damn gratitude, because I should. A good place to live for less than I could ever find elsewhere, a guy who put up with my shenanigans and helped me out of a bind...I owe him a lot. Time to start repaying.
He turned to step out, then paused, headed back to the medicine cabinet, and grabbed one of his pills. At least that was starting to come back. Maybe one day his normal wouldn't involve them anymore...but until then, he just had to deal with it.