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Blain and I saw each other lesser and lesser ever since. Not because of the things that happened, but because Blain started to live his own life with his own friends. Whenever we were seeing each other, we were close friends like we've always been, as if nothing ever changed. And sometimes it showed just how close we really were if you know what I mean... The two of us didn't give a shit about what others might've thought of us, not even our parents. They couldn't change us... They couldn't change the fact that we were free... Independent... Being independent meant that we didn't have to give a shit about others... And back when I was a teen, my relationship with Simon and Catherine was hanging by a thread because of the things they tried. To invade that "personal bubble-space" and trying to understand why I did it. I always thought that no one has to understand a fucking thing about me in the first place. There were so many conflicts and fights between my adoptive parents and me because of our differences. And I started to distance myself from them and hanged out with the people who cared for me the most instead. Blain, Mikaela and her siblings... I was very affectionate to them if you know what I mean... But everyone else who tried to get too close for my own comfort usually ended up in a fight. Verbally, but it wasn't uncommon that I ended up in a psychical fight... I was pissed off all the time while I didn't know why. And well, to put it in my own words, I was an arrogant bitch to say the least... I was always looking for a fight, and if there wasn't, I created one... And I even got busted for shoplifting once... Simon was so pissed off when he picked me up from the police station that day... And of course, Simon and Catherine were pissed whenever something happened. But they lost control of me... Looking back now and realizing how I once lived my life makes me feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself... For three years, I was like that... But at the age of sixteen, everything I based my life upon and every moral that was ever taught were completely turned upside down...

Just because Mikaela's parents were wealthy didn't mean that she was. She once told me that she had a check of fifty thousand dinar with her name on it but she never accepted it from her parents. I didnt know at the time why she didn't accept it... But nevertheless, I came by her house regularly and nothing really changed whenever we were seeing each other. And sometimes, Sarah was home as well... Whenever Sarah and I were hanging around outside, we talked... About the things Mikaela did. What her true intentions were. I never believed Sarah because Mikaela wasn't like that. Sarah said horrible things about her that I didn't understand. That she was on drugs... That she was fucking her "friends" just to get her hands on that stuff... Doing a little extra "work" to help to pay for the bills. Each and every time we talked about her, more pieces of the puzzle fell in place. And I was stuck in the middle of it all, not knowing what to think about it. Hearing Sarah's part of the story made me question what Mikaela had to say about all the things Sarah told me about. Sarah was being hit whenever she didn't want to... Mikaela always cried afterwards and told Sarah how sorry she was for doing that... But Sarah knew it would always come back... But whenever I was with Mikaela, I thought about the things that Sarah said about Mikaela... And at some point, she knew I was having my doubts...

'You haven't said much today... You can talk to me, you know...'

'Yeah, I know... Got trouble at home... Catherine's being a bitch again...'

'How so?'

'Psh... She thinks she lives my life and prohibits pretty much everything...'

'Yeah, I know that all too well...'

'For fucks sake, I mean... It's always the same... She even tells me what to wear! It's driving me fucking nuts whenever she has a bitch fit about something I like...'

'A miniskirt makes you look incredibly hot...'

'Hm-mm...'

'Hehehe...'

'What time is it, by the way?'

'Half passed six...'

'Oh shit...'

'Sarah should be home soon. You can stay here and have dinner with us if you like...'

'No, I really have to go, otherwise they'll confiscate my cell phone again and I'll end up in another fight...'

'Hehehehe... Liked that ever stopped you from having one...'

'What? I need my cell phone to keep in touch with people...'

I got out of her bed and picked my thong and bra up from the ground and got dressed in front of Mikaela while she watched me quietly. And while I was getting dressed, she seemed to get more depressed as the minutes were passing by...

'What's wrong...?'

'I don't want you to go, Ceylan... Stay with me tonight...'

'You know I can't...'

'I know...'

She got up and sat on the edge of her bed... Mikaela looked so devastated that evening... I couldn't leave her like that... But I had to... I didn't want to go home... I wanted to stay with her... But I couldn't and we both knew that all too well... I sat on her lap and caressed the back of her head as she lets out a depressed sigh... ´Sarah's staying over at my grandmother´s place tonight...´

'Yeah...'

'I don't want to be alone...'

'I know, babe...'

'Sarah just doesn't want to do the same things you do... She never wants to... And whenever she's doing it, she doesn't like it... I mean... Is it my fault...? What the hell is wrong with me...?'

'Nothing... Maybe there's something wrong with her instead... I'd trade places with Sarah any day just to be with you...'

'You're really sweet, you know that...?'

'Heh... I promise I'll do anything for you...'

'Anything...?'

'Of course...'

'I love you...'

I gave Mikaela a gentle lick over her nose while she looked at me with a weak smile... Her expression said a lot that evening... A quick kiss on her lips made her smile disappear and I whispered in her ear that I was gonna fuck her gently the next time... That I'd do anything she wanted me to do... She could only guess what would happen the next time... And I knew that all too well... I walked out of her apartment, knowing that I'd be taking my clothes off again for her and to give her what she wanted the most the next time we were seeing each other...

With lead in my feet, I peddled my way home on my bicycle, back to Simon and Catherine, who wouldn't understand any of it. And while I was riding, I felt so fucked up... For leaving Mikaela and Sarah, wishing that I could've stayed there... But the more I thought about it, the worse that feeling became... I felt so fucked up because things weren't the same like it once used to... I fucked things up for getting busted and I felt so sick of people trying to live my life... I couldn't be around Mikaela as much as I wanted to. If it were my choice, I'd be moving in with her, like she once proposed me to do. Living with a secret for so long started to have its consequences. Lying to the people I care for the most and even though my relationship with Simon and Catherine was hanging by a thread, it didn't make me feel any better lying to them. This couldn't go on anymore... I had to be honest against someone... Someone who loves you unconditionally, no matter what... So instead of going home, I turned to the person who would never judge anyone by their appearances and actions. She would understand, like she always did...

I parked my bike in her front garden and made my way to her front door. After ringing the doorbell a couple of times, the door still wasn't answered. And just as I wanted to turn around to walk away, the door opened up... I turned around and faced her... The moment she was looking at me, a huge smiled appeared on her wrinkled face... And when I saw how she greeted me, I couldn't help but to smile at her as well...

'Ceylan! It's been a while, kitten!'

And before I knew it, she gave me a big firm hug and smooches on my cheeks...

'Hey nana...'

'What a pleasant surprise, dear! Please, come in! Come in!'

The moment you step in her house, there is this distinct aroma in the air... The old wooden closets in the living room... The smell of the burning logs in her old fireplace... The ticking of the heavy clock on the wall... Taking you're shoes off and feeling the soft thick carpet underneath your paws... The delicious smell coming out of her kitchen... It felt like home whenever I entered her house. Even more than it did in my own house... Nana always did this on a Friday evening. Cooking for the entire family when we all got together on a Saturday... And I'll tell you one thing. Grandmothers are the only ones in a family that know how to cook. She's a real family person who enjoyed the warmth and love from everyone who entered her house... She considered everyone who entered her house as a relative... I'm the oldest of her grandchildren and even though I came from the outside, she considered me as her granddaughter from the moment she first laid her eyes on me... I stand out from my relatives, being the only tigress... I'm bigger than most of my relatives and look way different from them, but she didn't care that I was... And up to this day, I'm still grateful for that...

'Please, take a seat, dear! Would you like something to drink?'

'No, I'm fine, thank you...'

And just as we wanted to take our seats, her cook timer went off... The moment she heard it, she got up and smiled at me... 'Pide's done...' she said with a smile... She went off to her small kitchen and I heard how she was humming merrily. All I could do was to stare at all those picture frames in her bookcase...

My grandmother's a great woman. She saw and experienced everything in her life. And just like me, she wasn't born here. She came from the island Toruc, which belongs to the Saogolia island group located in the Aprijan Sea. It's where she experienced the second world war in every gruesome way that we can't imagine... But that didn't stop her from seeing the world. Doing things she wanted the most... To be alive... After the second world war ended, she migrated to Renaria with her husband. They've got seven children... Uncle Jacob being the oldest who was born in Daijiru Toruc, followed by uncle Anthony, uncle Christopher, uncle Joseph, aunt Isabella, uncle David and Simon, my adoptive parent. Everyone else was born here in Renaria. If there's one thing they value the most, it's got to be family values. We stick together, no matter what. My grandfather died at a fairly young age from a heart attack when Simon was just a little cub. And I think Simon really misses him... He always tells us stories about his father sitting at the fireplace in his favourite chair and told all sorts of stories while everyone else sat in front of him on the thick soft carpet. And even though I never met my grandfather, it's a tradition that my grandmother kept alive with her grandchildren... The memories I have of my grandmother are the memories I cherish the most...

After a couple of moments, she still didn't return. I heard that she was still busy in the kitchen while she was still humming. The scent of those fresh baked Pide's made me hungry... Not to mention the scent of all those delicious meats like Merquez and Kofte... "Just a little peek..."

So I got up from the chair and sneaked my way to her kitchen... I always did that ever since I was a cub... Sneaking to her kitchen to see what she was cooking and she usually let me taste her stuff. This one time, she let me taste the deep fried Tempé she made and before I knew it, I gobbled up everything... Whenever you taste her stuff, its like angels are having an orgy in your mouth... She always makes her dishes from scratch because she just loves to cook. I just love to eat... A perfect combination... At some point, she turned her head and faced me while she has that distinct smile on her wrinkled face... 'Have you had dinner, kitten?'

'No, nana... I haven't been home yet...'

'My goodness, dear, you should eat! Come! Sit down, I'll bring you some!'

So I did what she told me to do. I sat down at the table, staring outside. A couple of moments later, she came back with two plates filled with Merquez, Kofte, Pide's and lot more that's a feast to your tastebuds... The scent of the grilled spicy Merquez sausages penetrated my nostrils... It's intoxicating... And to be honest, I was starving that evening...

'I uh... Isn't this supposed to be for tomorrow when everyone gets together...?'

'Don't worry, dear, I got a lot more where that came from.'

She didn't have to say that twice. So we started eating...

I came all the way to talk to her but now that I was with her, I didn't know what to say. And while we were eating, it stayed quiet even though I didn't want the silence... It wouldn't matter to her... She would always find a way to break the silence...

'You haven't been here in a while, dear...'

'I know...'

'Are you going to see your friends tomorrow?'

'Yeah...'

'Your cousin Laura keeps asking where you are every Saturday... She really misses you...'

'Hm...'

I took a break from eating... After just a couple of bites, I wasn't feeling hungry anymore even though it was great... I shoved my plate away and wasn't facing my grandmother... It stayed quiet for a while until she broke the silence once more...

'What's the matter, kitten...?'

'Nothing... I'm just not that hungry, nana...'

'Is something bothering you...?'

'Well... There's this... Friend of mine and... She has a friend who happens to be a girl...'

'Hm-mm...'

'And she knows her friend for years now... Her friend has a big sister and... She just wants to be around the two of them... But she just can't...'

´And why can't she...?'

'Uh...'

"Fuck... How am I gonna explain this..." It was a lot harder than I imagined...

'She can't, because... She's stuck in the middle of everyone... And she just doesn't know what to do...'

'I see...'

'She thinks it feels so different for her sister than for my friend... I think about my friend all the time and I just-'

"Oops..." It slipped my mind... I felt ashamed to realize what I just said... It stayed silent for a while as I wasn't facing her... My grandmother was religious... And I know how religious people think about others having feelings for the same gender... But her expression didn't change when I faced her... That smile never disappeared from her wrinkled face that evening... But still, I felt scared all of a sudden to have revealed my secret...

'Are you in love with a girl...?'

'Yes...'

'Does she know...?'

'I think so...'

'Tell me what is bothering you, dear.'

I took a deep breathe and let out a sigh as I stared down... I was gonna tell her the truth and hoped that I wasn't gonna regret it...

'I've known that friend ever since high school. She's funny and beautiful and a lot of fun to hang out with... She has an older sister who's exactly like her... And well... I once spend more time with her sister than with my friend. I was in love with her big sister but those feelings I once felt only became weaker while my feelings for my friend became stronger... I see her sister way less than I used to but whenever we are, we're just... Uh... I-I mean, it's just not the same anymore...'

'Did she make you do things you're not feeling comfortable with...?'

'It was at first... But... I-I really like it...'

Oh, I think she lost her appetite when I told her that... Something in her eyes told me that the answer I gave wasn't the answer she wanted to hear. She tried to hide it, to keep that little smile on her face but that was very difficult for her... I looked down and closed my eyes, knowing it was a mistake to have brought it up... But then all of a sudden, I felt her warm hand on mine... 'Do you feel ashamed about it...?'

'I-I just... I don't know...'

'Sweetheart... We don't choose who we fall in love with... Love is unpredictable, we can't foresee it... It's something you feel from the inside...'

'That's what I'm afraid of... It's just... I don't know what I'm feeling whenever I'm with her... It just feels empty whenever I'm spending time with her sister and even though my friend and I aren't kissing or... Well, you know... I feel more attracted to her... I just don't want to hurt their feelings...'

'I know you don't.'

'Heh... Did it surprise you...?'

'Yes, to say the least. I wasn't expecting you to mature so quickly...'

'You mean... With the... Sex...?'

'Yes... Oh, sweetheart, you're just so young...'

'It just happened so all of a sudden, nana...'

'I know, sweetheart...'

It stayed quiet for a long time after that... I could see that she was a bit shocked and that she was thinking. "Is she mad at me...?" I honestly couldn't tell and it got me worried. I started to feel nervous... And after a while, I scraped all of my guts together and wanted an answer to a question that's a taboo to ask... 'Is it wrong...?'

'No, dear... There's nothing wrong with it...'

'Heh...'

'Is that why you can't be with her? Are you ashamed of it...?'

'Yeah... Kinda'

'Does anyone else know...?'

'No one does, not even Catherine... I'm scared... I don't know how they'll react if I tell them...'

'Do you want me to talk to them...?'

'No!'

She got so surprised by that, that she looked startled at me for a short moment, blinking her eyes a couple of times... 'I, uh... I-I mean... I want to tell them myself... Just... Not now...'

'I understand, dear...'

'I just don't feel comfortable with everything... I don't know how everyone will react if I tell them and that's what scaring me...'

'It's always difficult to tell people about something that's "socially unacceptable". Trust me, sweetheart, I've experienced it all...'

'Oh...?'

'Yes...'

It stayed quiet for a while again as I could see that she was thinking once more. Did she have a secret, like I did? Her expression turned into that sweet smile once more as she seemed to be carried away in thoughts... What did she mean by that...?

'Nana...?'

'Heh... There once was a time where a lot of things were considered to be a taboo. "Socially unacceptable"... "Not normal"...'

'So... Did you fell in love with a girl too...?'

'No, dear, I didn't. Back when I was you're age, it was considered to be a taboo to be married to a canine. Felines and canines weren't supposed to be interacting with each other. It was considered to be "unnatural" and thus socially unacceptable. People are afraid of what they don't know and what's different from everything they know. Truth is, there's no difference... They say it's not "natural" but who are we to decide what natural is? People are making mistakes by thinking like that... And sometimes, they don't realize their making mistakes. But you and I both know that you're not the one making the mistakes for giving in to your feelings...'

'Heh...'

'So if she makes you happy, if you want to be with her, do what you're feelings tell you to do. You're a beautiful and smart young lady, Ceylan... I'm positive everything will be alright... Don't worry, sweetheart...'

'Thank you...'

'You're very welcome...'

'Nana?'

'Yes?'

'This stays between us, right...?'

'Of course, dear...'

For the rest of the evening, my grandmother and I talked about it. About my feelings for her, what it did to me and how I felt. And for the first time in years, I felt so relieved to finally expose myself for who I thought was the real me. No longer did I have to hide the fact I was in love with a girl and all of the confusing feelings that I had were gone the moment we started talking. I felt this overwhelming sense of freedom and I told her everything about Sarah. How I missed her every time I wasn't around her and whenever I was, how much fun we had. Doing what every teen does at the age of sixteen. But at some point, I noticed the time. And I realized I had to go home. But once I got out of the door and got on my bike, that relieved feeling disappeared quickly... And I peddled with lead in my feet my way home...