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It wasn't at all unusual for Thrad to be on my mind. I enjoyed our Thursdays together quite a lot. Recently I had come to enjoy Friday mornings as well. And throughout the week I'd look forward to the same time next week. It had been going on this way for quite some time. It's just that this was different, more strong, and harder to brush away. I hadn't ever been in love before, so-

Dammit Silver, you're not in love.

It didn't do too much to tell that to myself, but I tried all the same. It had been maybe thirty minutes since Thrad had dropped me off at home on his way to work. I had made like I was going up to my apartment so that he'd leave without concern, or without asking any questions. But when he drove off I walked back into the parking lot, and just kept walking. I had a lot on my mind and I needed to work some of it out. And home just didn't seem like the place to do it.

Am I in love?

It was a painful question, but I couldn't get it out of my head. For over a year now my first Howlr rule had been Don't Get Attached. Actually it was sort of tied for first rule, along with Always Wear a Condom, and Never Be Abused. Thrad and I had already broken the second of those, but I had enforced the third heavily. On several occasions I up and left if I got bad vibes, or if the dude was too rough or disrespectful. They were all of them rules I set out for myself before I even downloaded Howlr in the first place. If I was going to open myself up, and explore sexuality in this way, I was going to be safe about it. That's the reason that, of these three "first" rules, Don't Get Attached was the most first. It's because emotional danger, to me, had the most potential to damage me the most.

Not that I had ever put it into those specific words before. I hadn't had to, because I didn't have the language for it. I didn't know what it felt like to be in love. I had no way to gauge how strong that connection might be. But I had a deep suspicion that getting attached to a random stranger I'd hooked up with one night was an easy recipe for disaster. So I vowed that that would never happen. And for over a year that had been the case. At one point I stopped keeping track of the people I'd slept with, because it became a tedious chore. I kept myself awfully busy for that year, and for most of the following one. And I suppose I wasn't much less busy when I stopped fucking strangers, and started only fucking Thrad. I probably came close to having the same amount of sex as before. But now it was all just piled into one evening, instead of being spread out throughout the week.

And during my pre-Thrad phase of sluthood, not once had I gotten attached. I refused to be part of that culture. I didn't want to be a needy boy who couldn't let go of his first hookup. I didn't want that to be my image, and I knew that people on this sort of app weren't looking for anything serious. So I told myself I wouldn't bring anything serious to the table. Save for a serious sex drive, that is. And for over a year, I had accomplished that. But now that rule had become broken too.

I didn't mind at all going bareback with Thrad, that was an easy rule to break. But I never wanted to get attached. It was every bit as inconvenient as I thought it might be. He was on my mind now, stronger than ever before. We hadn't just had sex last night, we had made love. Or at least, I'm pretty sure that's what it was. It was tender and sweet, and I couldn't get that look in his eyes out of my head. Even the way he treated me in the morning felt different. We cuddled more than we usually did, and our morning sex wasn't quite as rough. And he made breakfast for me like he always did. And probably it was all in my head - but even breakfast felt like it was made with a little bit more love.

God. Love. Love. love, love.

The word was stuck in my head. It looped on repeat, just as I was looping the same couple of blocks again and again. I thought idly about stopping at a gas station to get a cheap coffee, or maybe I could go to a park and walk somewhere a little more scenic. Or maybe even I could just go home and try to chill, and play a game or something. But I was walking with a sort of inescapable purpose. Just like I couldn't escape the word which was in my head. And no matter how much I tried to brush it aside, I just couldn't. So at one point I just had to accept it. My rule against attachment hadn't just been broken, it was shattered. I was more than attached at this point, I was way beyond that. And I needed to figure out how to address it.

But, what could I possibly do? I was in love now, or I'm pretty sure I was. It was a new series of emotions to me, and it was stronger than anything I'd felt before. And it was all centered around a massive bull I'd known for just over half a year. I'd been looking forward to our time together a lot lately. A _lot_a lot. I think I knew I was getting attached back then, I just ignored it. But there wasn't any ignoring it now. But then, I was talking myself in huge, massive circles. And I wasn't getting anything done. I wanted some sort of outlet - hell, I'd have taken anything at that point. So I ran through my roster of possible activities, but I knew that none of them would do the trick.

Play videogames at home? I doubted I could focus enough. I could fuck myself, which was a favorite pasttime lately. But then I'd just be thinking about Thrad even more. I didn't have work that day, and I thought about trying to pick up a shift, just to keep myself busy. But then I realized how ludicrous that sounded. Was I really so desperate to get this guy off of my mind? Maybe I was, but maybe not. I wasn't sure, not in Thrad, not in myself, not in any of it. I had thought getting attached would be a messy affair. I just didn't realize exactly how messy it would be.

What I wanted was to hang out with a friend. Only, I didn't really have any of those. My roommate certainly wasn't a friend. We had started off on standoffish terms and we'd stayed firmly there, even after living together for years. And people from work weren't really friends. We got along well enough, but we didn't have all that much in common. Certainly nobody from Howlr were friends. At the most I had a few friends-with-benefits, with an extremely heavy emphasis on the benefits part. Then I thought about my family, but that went straight out the window. My dad and I didn't get along, and my mom and I had grown distant. And my sisters and I were worlds apart, there's no way I could call any of them. The only thing we had even remotely in common was that we all were into boys, but like hell I was about to let them know that.

Then that thought stopped me in my tracks. Literally, stopped. I was standing on the sidewalk like an indecisive buffoon, like maybe I'd realized I was walking in the wrong direction but couldn't think of a delicate way to turn around without looking dumb. I of course knew I wasn't out to my family. But I didn't realize what that actually meant. In theory they were the people I was supposed to be able to lean on. But I was distant from all of them, more now than ever. And that distance was so much on me.

I started walking again, because now I had _two_thoughts on my mind I wanted to be rid of. What was going on with me? I was usually so secure with myself, and the past two years or so had done nothing but help me grow in confidence. But now I was questioning myself, and my relationship with Thrad, and god that was a painful word to use. And that got me questioning my other relationships in life, and it was a little too much to bear. I thought that maybe I would go home after all, and maybe play a game or something. Anything, really. Just to give myself something to do. And since my roommate was out for the day I let myself lounge in the front room. It was a rare occasion for me. He had given me license to use his Xbox when I first moved in, and I had an account and everything. But for all this time it still felt weird to use somebody else's stuff. But I got over that fairly quickly. I was ready enough for an escape of any sort, and it was actually pretty fun sitting and actually playing a game for once. I mean, I'd played games before, sure. But it had been a while, and letting myself get immersed in one did the trick in getting the world out of my head.

I was so engrossed in avoiding my reality by entering into a new one, that I didn't realize how much time had passed. Part of the reason I had made a habit of going out so often was because dudes on Howlr were most often free in the evenings. And my roommate came home in the evenings. So if I timed things right, we missed each other most of the time. But this time I had so much going on in my head that I must have miscalculated. I didn't realize I'd been playing for hours until I heard the door unlock. Part of me wanted to scramble to get off of his system, but part of me wanted to stay, and I worked to justify that I _did_have permission to use it, after all. And because I was conflicted enough in what to do, I was caught on the couch all the same.

"Oh, hey Silver." Luck said. It was shorthand for Lucky, even though his real name was Zachariah. Apparently he once dated a hot girl, and his friends started to call him a lucky buck. That got old fast (as all species puns do), so for a while he became Lucky. Then it was just Luck. But that was years ago, and the only reason I knew about it was because I asked him one time. It was the longest conversation we'd ever had, and he seemed disinterested in it, so I never tried to have a conversation with him again.

"Uh, hey." I said. My ears were folded a little back. I felt like I'd been caught doing something I shouldn't be doing, even though I did have permission. But I was also on guard, and a little defensive. Being taken out of the game brought me back into reality. And it was just as uncomfortable as it was earlier. It was like Thrad had just barely dropped me off. Like we had only just finished making love.

Luck examined me for a while, then just shrugged and walked into the kitchen. That was pretty typical of him. He didn't seem to be a man of very many words, and I never was able to get much of a read from his body language. To me he seemed perpetually disinterested, and that probably got to me more than he thought I did. Then I thought about my family again, and how they seemed disinterested too, but then Thrad was interested in me, or was he, and then I was in the spiral again. It was overwhelming to say the least, and I sort of forgot where I was.

"Uh, what's up?" Luck asked. He was holding a beer now, and looking at me oddly. It was like someone had put a cat on his couch, and he had no idea where it came from or what it was doing there. Nevermind that I'd been paying him rent for two years. "Nothing." I said. I had absolutely no heart in my voice. "Uh huh." He said.

Then Luck sat down next to me, which was extremely atypical. We didn't spent time together at all. In fact, I wasn't sure we'd ever sat on the couch at the same time. Not once in all this time. A few incredibly awkward moments passed. I had already been overwhelmed, but now I felt awkward in what might have been my home if things had turned out a little differently. A big part of me wanted to leave, but I couldn't think of a delicate way to extricate myself. But my head was spinning fast enough that I'm not sure I could have moved in the first place. And Luck just sat there in the uncomfortable silence, and took a sip of his beer. Then he took another one. When I still didn't say anything he let out a heavy sigh, and took another drink.

"What's his name?" Luck asked. My heart froze, as did my tail, and all of the rest of me. How did he know? Was I really being that obvious?

"Dude, it's okay." Luck said. "You want a beer?" This was also atypical. Luck seemed like the sort of guy who didn't condone fun. He never offered me liquor, probably on account of me being underage. He seemed like the sort of guy who cared about that sort of thing. I shook my head no, but still didn't say anything. Luck sighed again.

"Look, Silver, you've been skittish since day one. You hole up in your room all the time, and that's fine, you clearly value your privacy. But I stopped inviting you to things because you always said no. We can't have a conversation that lasts more than a few words. I never see you, and that's fine, but I don't hate you. So what's going on?"

That gave me pause. It was true that we'd hardly had more than a few conversations in nearly two years. But I always thought it was because Luck didn't like me, or that he didn't care for me being gay. I hadn't ever considered that our distance was because of me, and not him. Then I thought about my family again. I had been holding back from them that I was into guys, so of course I'd gotten distant from them. But was that thought stopping me from getting close to Luck as well? I always thought that he didn't like me. But, maybe it was on my end. Almost like I didn't like myself, and I projected that onto the people around me. It was a bombshell of a thought, and Luck seemed to recognize that.

"Is it a guy?" He prompted. "Yeah." I said. "What's his name?" "Thrad." "Thad? That's a stupid name."

I laughed because it was sort of true. I hadn't ever brought it up to Thrad, of course, because that's an insensitive thing to say. But it was a weird name, to be sure. But then, it wasn't all that much different than a silver/grey tabby being named Silver. Or a deer whose nickname was Luck.

"Is he cute?" Luck asked. "He's handsome." I said. Then more words spilled out. "And he's kind, and he has a really big-" "Too much info, Silver. I don't need to know the size of his dick." "Sorry." I said sheepishly. "It's okay." Luck said. Then we fell into silence again, because I had a lot on my mind and didn't know what to say, or if I wanted to say anything at all.

"... so?" Luck asked. "So?" "Are you in love with him?" "What? No." "Oh please. You are too." "Stop it." "Stop what?" "Stop teasing me about it." "I'm not teasing, just saying. You look like you're in love." "How can you tell?" "Because I know, dude. You're curled on the couch with a hurt look in your eyes, but it's the sort of hurt which hits you deep inside. I know."

I looked a Luck then, and I really did see understanding in his eyes. Maybe he did know what I was going through, but then, why shouldn't he? He was an enterprising young guy, and he was single now but I know he'd been on a lot of dates. It made sense that he would know what love felt like, or what it looked like. That got me thinking that I could probably learn a lot from him, or at the very least I could confide in him. If nothing else, I felt like I needed to have at least somebody on my side. And not only was Luck the nearest choice I had, but he was actively offering to be my friend. At least, that's what it felt like he was doing.

"Okay then, fine. I'm in love." I said it sarcastically because I thought that would make it easier to admit. But all I accomplished was admitting it, and also sound lame while doing so. "See? That wasn't so hard, was it?" "What was?" "Opening up." Luck said. Oddly enough that had the effect of shutting me up, which Luck laughed at. "Sorry if that was teasing you. It sounded funny to say, that's all." "It's fine." I said. Then I realized that I was giving tiny, guarded responses again.

Had I always been like this? No wonder we couldn't keep a conversation going. I was like a black hole of conversation. I wasn't that way with Thrad, of course, but he had to coach me into vocalizing what I was feeling. Being vocally open with a sexual partner was of key importance in Thrad's book, and he had trained me well in that. But, maybe the same could be said of other relationships as well. Maybe it was important to be vocally open with a lot of people, not just the ones whose dicks were inside you. So I took a deep breath and thought that I'd try, even though opening up was a scary thing to do.

"Can I tell you about him?" I asked. I hadn't known what I was going to say, but I hadn't expected it to be that. "I'd like that." Luck said. "Really?" "Yeah. Why not?" "Because, I dunno. It's gay?" I said. That made Luck laugh. "I don't care that you're gay, Silver. I think it's sort of cool, and I like that you're not afraid to hide it." "... what do you mean?" "Come on. The way you dress? You even walk in a sort of exaggerated way, like you're trying to show off your butt to any pair of eyes you can find." "I do not." "You do too." Then Luck paused for a moment. "Okay, that's an exaggeration. But you just seem like a person who would be gay, that's all. Like, it makes sense. If I hadn't ever met you before, and I just came into your work to get a sandwich or whatever, I would immediately assume you were gay."

That was news to me.

"Come on, you have to know. You look super gay." "Am I really that obvious?" "I think you are. And not just because I can hear when you fuck yourself in your room."

That one really made my heart stop. It fell through the floor, as did the rest of me. I was suddenly a shell of a person, sitting on my roommate's couch but not sitting on it at all. For a moment I had ceased to exist. He could hear me when I was fucking myself in my room.

"Well, not all of it." He amended. Thank god. "But you play the same type of music to mask the sound. And you always cross from your room to the bathroom to clean yourself out, I suppose. Then you always go back when you're done and you shower right away. I notice." While he was talking my ears shrunk further down against my head, while the rest of me shrank further into his couch. But the damned deer didn't let up.

"And sometimes between songs I can hear a squelch or two." "AH, SHUT UP!"

My outburst came before I could stop it, but thankfully Luck didn't take offense at it. Quite to the contrary, he laughed. It was hearty and long lasting. And it helped me feel a little more in-place, even if part of me suspected he was laughing at me.

"Sorry." He said when his laughter calmed down. "It's fine." "No, really. I shouldn't razz you like that. You're clearly in a vulnerable place right now, I should be more respectful of that. I just think it's funny, that's all."

Again, I wasn't sure if he was laughing at me, or sort of with me. But I wasn't laughing, but then, I didn't feel attacked, either. If anything I got the impression that he was just joking around. That thought put me at incredible ease. Moments earlier I was convinced that my roommate hated me. But now he was joking around and laughing, almost like we were pals. Even though we hardly knew each other. Except, he apparently knew more about me than he let on.

"It's okay." I said. Even though it was still a two word response, I think I sounded less guarded than usual. More like I was participating in a conversation, instead of avoiding one. "So you wanna tell me about him?" "You're sure you want to-" "Yes, I do. I want all the juicy details- wait, no. Not the juicy details. Just the normal ones, I guess." "Really?" "You're stalling." He pointed out. "And yes, really. I think it's really cool that you're finally opening up a little, and it turns out you're kind of funny, so that's a relief. Here I thought you were just mega moody all the time."

So much for all the brownie points he'd just earned for being friendly with me.

"Not all the time." He said. He was trying to backpedal. "You're just always so quiet. It's cool to get to know you more, and I was joking. You're not moody, just secretive. Now tell me about your boy." "He's not a boy." I said. "Well, he's clearly not a girl." "He's a man." I clarified. "Oh, a man. Well, good. You deserve a man in your life. Is he nice?" "Very nice." "Good. How'd you meet?" "Howlr." I said. I felt more guilty about it than I wanted to. For some reason it seemed to make our relationship less valid or something, as though starting on the grounds of a casual hookup made what we had less special. Then I had to remind myself that we didn't have anything special, it was just on my end. Then I was going through a thought spiral again, but thankfully Luck pulled me out before I got too deep in it.

"That's cool." He said. "Closest thing I have to that is Swiper. It works fine, but I get the impression that Howlr is way more of a meat market. Seems like Swiper has more hoops to jump through if you're just looking for a lay." "He isn't just a lay, though." "That's not what I meant. Just saying that it's cool you were able to meet him through Howlr. He seems like a nice guy. How long have you been seeing him?" "About six months or so." "That adds up. You've been in higher spirits relatively lately, and you've been going out less as well, also about six months ago. Or, maybe four or so." "Wait, what? How do you know about that?" "I notice." Luck said. I looked at him like I didn't believe him, so he continued. "Look, I'm not spying or anything. But we live together. I pick up on things, dude. You clearly care about this guy, and you're obviously into him, and I think that's really cool. Honestly, I do." "Thank you." "You're welcome."

Then, because I apparently can't keep a conversation going to save my life, we fell silent again. Luck, on the other hand, seemed to have no problem keeping a conversation going. Probably because he was the one doing most of the talking.

"So you're going steady, then?" He asked. "I wouldn't say that." "Then what would you say? You stopped seeing other people, right?" For not every really talking to me until just this moment (or maybe I was the one who hadn't been talking to him), he sure seemed to notice a lot of things about me. "Yeah, it's only him right now. For about four months now, you're right." "I thought so. So he must be something special to you, then?" "Yeah, he is." "How special?" "I dunno. Very?" "That's nice." Then, after a moment, Luck had to prompt me again. "So, are you guys boyfriends?" "We haven't decided." "But you're in love, right?" "Yeah." "Does he love you back?"

And that was the million dollar question. I'd been avoiding it all day. More than that, I'd been avoiding it for about a solid month or so, maybe even longer. Love was just a scary word to use, so of course I'd tried to avoid it for as long as possible. But I just couldn't deny any more that I was in love with him. But could he possibly be in love back? He was over twice my age. I was just a kitten he used to warm his bed, he wasn't-

But that thought didn't turn into a spiral. And it didn't take control of me, nor did I have to brush it aside. Rather, I cut it off, instantly. And it fell apart right away, because it was a stupid thought and it simply would not do. I couldn't say whether or not Thrad loved me, that wasn't in my right to do. I suspected that he did, which was probably why I fought against it so hard. Because if I set myself up for believing that he loved me, I'd be heartbroken if it turned out I was wrong. So it was better just to avoid the situation entirely, or at least, for as long as we could. Just like I'd held off on accepting how I felt about him for far longer than I should have. But it wasn't fair to say that I was just a kitten he was using. Thrad was way more than that. He was more than that to me, but more importantly Thrad was nothing if not a gentleman. A tall, broad, muscle of a gentleman. And he didn't take me into his bed lightly, and I didn't mean nothing to him. I knew that for a fact. And I wouldn't let myself degrade him by putting a negative label on him like that.

I vowed then and there, that there would be no more pushing people away. I had caught myself just then trying to push Thrad away, which I absolutely would not stand for. But by that logic, if I couldn't push Thrad away, who meant more to me in this world than anyone at this point, then I couldn't push anyone else away, either. Being honest with people, and with oneself, really should be an all-or-nothing game. Because if you're honest with some people but not others, then you're deceiving at least a few people in at least a few ways. And for a long time I'd been trying to deceive myself, too.

Somehow it came to me really clearly just then. Then I thought about all my time living with Luck. So many instances ran through my head. I saw snapshots of so many of our "interactions", so spoken because they really weren't interactions at all. I hid from him, and avoided conversation, and averted my gaze. Somewhere along the line I had gotten into the habit of hiding myself. I tried to be small at my parents' house. I didn't want to stick out or cause issues. And I carried that behavior into my new home as well. In that way, I hadn't been fair to Luck at all. Sure I was paying him rent. But he'd taken me into his apartment, and had honestly tried to be friendly with me. I could see that now, across so many instances I honestly couldn't count them. But I had been so wrapped up in my head that I had tuned it all out.

Was I really so ashamed of myself that I'd try to hide like that? I had been pushing Luck away since the very start, I just didn't realize it until now. So who else had I been pushing away? Furthermore, to what extent had I been pushing myself away from myself? That was way too heavy a thought to address just then, so I'd bookmark it for another time. But it was all a lot to consider, to be sure. But one thing was abundantly clear. I had been really unfair to Luck, for a really long time. And I wanted to make that right.

"I think he does." I finally said. "Then what's the hold-up?" Luck asked. I took a deep breath. "I'm just afraid, I think. I guess I'm a pretty private person after all, just like you said. And I'm worried that what if he doesn't love me back, and that'll hurt a lot, and I don't want to go through that." "But you're hurting now, aren't you?" "Well, yeah." "Then it's better to dive into it, don't you think?"

Who was this guy?

"I mean, I guess that makes sense. But it's still scary." "Love is scary." Luck said. But he said it so easily. As though he'd been in love before, then out of love, then back in and back out. He seemed like some sort of casual expert in the subject. "What about you?" I asked. "What about me?" "Have you been in love?"

Luck raised his eyebrows in surprise. Here was quiet Silver, sitting on his couch at the same time as him. And not only was he holding a conversation, but he was actively trying to carry it on.

"I have." He said. Again, it was easy for him to say. Like he had a certain command over it, somehow. "What was it like?" "It sucked." He paused just long enough to watch my ears droop and my hope fade. Then he laughed. "Only kidding. It was great. Her name was Bea. We were together for almost two years, starting right at the end of our senior year in high school. Then her folks moved across the country, her dad had a job offer or something. She could have stayed, and I wanted her to. I asked her to. But then she didn't."

That, too, he said easily. But it was such a weighty thing to say. Not just for its subject matter, but the words felt weighty as he said them. Each one of them seemed like an understatement. Like he could have gone on for hours telling me all of the exact details, trying to make it so I understood exactly what their love was like, and their relationship. But he did away with all of those words that someone else might have used, and instead chose only a few. But all of the weight and meaning was still there, and they hit me like a load of bricks.

"But I moved on." He said. But from the way he said it, it sounded like part of him was still there. "And I've dated a lot since then - Bea was a few years ago by now. But I'll never forget her, nor would I want to. Some of my best memories are about our time together. I wouldn't erase that for the world." "But, weren't you scared about it?" "Terrified." He said. "But it was worth it."

He let that statement hang in the air, because it was saying a lot, and it demanded to be observed. Luck had been into love, and had embraced it, even though it was a terrifying thing to do. And the aftermath of it had hurt. Judging from the tone of his voice it had hurt a lot. But he was still here, even after his heart had been broken. And he was a great guy. And he'd been one all this time. It was really me who was being a dick.

We kept talking for a long time that night. It was a surprisingly easy conversation. By the end of it we had precious few awkward pauses, but it really did help that Luck seemed to just really enjoy talking. But through the entirety of the conversation, all I could think about was what he had said.

It was worth it. It was scary, and it hurt, but it was worth it. And I got thinking about Thrad, and about the reservations I had about us. But I knew what I felt. And I was willing to bet that I knew what Thrad was feeling, too. And sure, that might have been a big leap to make. But during that conversation with Luck, I decided it was a leap I was going to make. After all, I cherished every moment I had with Thrad. I'd grown so much with him, and we had learned a lot from each other. Maybe I had been the one doing more learning, but the point still stands. We were good for each other, and we fit well together. And I wanted him, and to be with him. And I honestly, truly felt, deep down, that he wanted to be with me too.

And in either case, I decided to stop living in my weird limbo. Because Luck was right. I was going to hurt either way. Holding myself back hurt. And lord knows living in a half-world hurt. So I decided that if I loved Thrad, I was going to lean into that. Or, as much as I felt comfortable doing. I of course wasn't going to scare Thrad off or anything, I didn't want to come on too strong. But I wanted to get closer with him, and open myself up to whatever experiences that might bring with it. And sure it might hurt. And it might go poorly, and if it went really poorly I might lose him. But I didn't want to waste any more time telling myself that it wouldn't work, when maybe it might work after all.

And even if things didn't work out, I still held on to Luck's words. He had been terrified of love, and I was certainly terrified now. But it had been worth it to him, even when things did end between him and his chick. And those were exactly the words I had needed to hear.

It was that, whatever happened with me and Thrad, it would be worth it. And I believed that it would be.