Comforting a Wolf
#6 of Jeff and Will
Dealing with depression is difficult, whether it's your own or someone else's.
Will was concerned. At least, that's what he told himself. In truth, he was worried, probably more worried than he ought to be. His fingers beat a tattoo against his leg, and he buzzed Jeff's apartment again. Still no answer, and his internal debate continued.
Since the one time he had dropped in unannounced to less than stellar results, Will had made a point of at least shooting Jeff a text and getting a response before visiting. Now he was at Jeff's door without having had a response, and he didn't know if he should enter or not. On one hand, he hadn't received Jeff's permission. On the other hand, he hadn't received any message from Jeff in about 72 hours, which was unusual, to say the least. Will wasn't very clingy by nature. If anything, Jeff was. But normally, even if Jeff had a full day, he either warned Will in advance or would send a brief reply to any messages at the end of the day. So far, Jeff had failed to respond to any of his texts, and his two attempts at phone calls went to voicemail after ringing. It was uncharacteristic enough that Will was standing on the step of the apartment building, looking at his key and wrestling with whether he should respect Jeff's privacy and walk away or let himself in and make sure nothing had happened.
With a soft growl, Will inserted the key in the lock and let himself in. Much as his last surprise visit weighed on his mind, he couldn't handle the uncertainty. He had to know what was going on, one way or another. His mind made up, he took the stairs two at a time.
Standing in front of Jeff's door gave him pause, however. He raised his hand and lowered it again, resolve wavering. With an angry shake to clear his head, he knocked.
Will listened intently. He practically held his breath to listen for signs of motions. After ten long seconds, he didn't hear anything. Was Jeff out? In the hospital? his mind whispered mutinously, and he gave his head another shake to try to dispel the thought.
He knocked again, and losing all sense of shame, he pressed an ear against the door. He counted fifteen long seconds without hearing anything. Then he counted fifteen more, just to be sure. Finally, he put the key Jeff had given him in the lock, slowly pressing the door open. The chain wasn't engaged. "Jeff?" he called out softly. Despite his best efforts, his worry slipped into his voice.
The apartment was messy, which wasn't too strange per se. But this went past Jeff's general lack of organization. There weren't too many dishes by the sink, but he recognized the mess on some of them; they hadn't moved since his last visit. Papers, rather than being in their usual, somewhat random stacks, were carelessly strewn on the ground. A pile of blankets and bedding lay on the couch. And yet, it didn't seem so much like disarray as neglect. Things left where they fell without a care.
The worry Will had tried to keep from his voice on entry was now plain on his face. With ears back and tail limp, he moved towards Jeff's bedroom door, which he could see was slightly ajar, though the inside was dark. He moved carefully to avoid stepping on anything. Part of him wanted to stop and pick things up, but first he needed to know if Jeff was here. He was nearly at the door when he heard a small noise.
Will froze, ears up, trying to tell what he heard and where from. Then he heard it again: a breath catching in the throat, and to his right. He took a step toward the living room and nearly slipped on a paper. He steadied himself against the wall, and he was sure he heard a sniffle. "Jeff?"
A few more cautious steps took him into the room, closer to the sounds he thought he heard from the couch. A closer look left him wide-eyed, and his heart squeezed. "Hun?"
What Will had first taken for a pile of blankets turned out to be Jeff cocooned in one. The wolf looked up at him with bleary, bloodshot eyes for only a moment before scrunching them shut and lowering his head. A sob forced its way past his lips.
Will sat in the little space left by Jeff on the couch, his hand reaching out to touch the wolf through the blanket. Jeff shied away from Will's touch for the second time since Will had known him. "Jeff, what's wrong?" He looked closer at his boyfriend's face even as Jeff refused to look back at him.
Jeff looked as much as a mess as his apartment. His fur was unkempt, and there were matted tracks from his eyes leading down his muzzle. He shook periodically, as if chilled. He looked wan, and it smelled like he had been lying on the couch in that blanket for quite some time now. Was it illness? Then why not call? Will put a hand to Jeff's forehead. Jeff shied away again, and when Will didn't withdraw his hand, one of Jeff's arms left the blanket to weakly push him away. Will didn't feel a fever, and he caught Jeff's hand and held on when Jeff tried to pull back. The blanket fell off his shoulder, and Will could see Jeff wasn't wearing a shirt. Will froze, thinking back to the only other time he had come over to find Jeff shirtless, but when Jeff renewed tugging, Will just held on tighter.
"Babe, what's wrong?"
Jeff shook his head, shifting his weight to slowly sit up. At first, Will was encouraged slightly, but Jeff tried to scoot further away from Will. The blanket shifted in the process, revealing lounge pants. At any other time, seeing Jeff like this would have elicited extremely positive feelings in Will, but now, it barely registered. He scooted closer to Jeff, his eyes on the wolf's face.
"Please, talk to me. Let me help."
Jeff shook his head again and ducked his chin against his chest. Somehow, he looked even more miserable than he did a moment before. Will wrapped an arm around Jeff's shoulders and drew him close. At this, tears started down the well-worn trails on Jeff's muzzle. Will was dismayed, but he didn't let go.
"Jeff. Please, tell me what's wrong."
The moments stretched, the wolf silently crying in Will's arms with only the occasional shuddery breath to disturb the tableau. After nearly a minute of Will staring worriedly, Jeff responded with a voice so small that Will nearly missed the words.
"I am."
It took Will a moment to remember what Jeff was replying to. "Babe..."
"I'm a freak." Jeff's voice broke on the last word.
Will shook his head and held tighter. "No, you're not." He was about to say more when Jeff spoke again.
"Yes, I am! Look at me! Been lying on this couch all weekend, everything's a mess, but I can't do anything about it. I'm a mess, I'm a slob." Jeff's voice lost its vehemence, and his next words came out at a whisper. "I'm useless."
Will shook his head again. "Never." He spoke just as quietly, but there was passion in his voice. "You're not useless. You're a beautiful, compassionate, loving wolf, and I'm so lucky to have you."
"I'm a freak," Jeff repeated helplessly, tiredly.
Will put a soft kiss on Jeff's cheek. "No, you're not."
Jeff tried to push Will away again, but Will refused to let go. "You just don't know yet," Jeff said despondently. "If you knew," his lip quivered and another tear slid down his cheek, "you'd think I was," he paused, struggling to find the words, "gross. Fucked up, a freak." He finally met Will's eyes while his own shone with tears. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anyone." He looked away again as if it were physically painful to look at Will. "You shouldn't love me."
Will nuzzled into Jeff's neck, in part to hide his own teary eyes. "You are the most lovable person I've ever met, Jeffrey. You're so smart, funny, and kind, and handsome." Will's lips brushed over Jeff's ear. "You can always make me laugh, even when I'm determined to be in a bad mood. You always let me be myself, and you make me feel good about it. And sometimes, when other people try to make me feel bad," Will's lips twitched up with a hint of a smile, "you kiss me like we're in a play right in the middle of a grocery store."
Jeff didn't quite smile, but he did give a surprised snort. Will counted it as a win.
"I love you very much, Jeffrey. And I should. And I'm going to keep on doing it."
Jeff finally started leaning back against Will. "What if you regret it?"
Will tilted Jeff's muzzle towards his own and gently gave him a kiss. "I'm never going to regret this."
Will continued to hold Jeff as the wolf slowly calmed down. Even as he settled, though, his voice remained small. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
Jeff's lip quivered again, so Will gave it a gentle kiss.
"We were supposed to hang out this weekend and have a good time, and instead I'm," Jeff sniffed, "I'm--"
Will made gentle _shh_ing noises. "You're allowed to have bad days. You can feel down." Will laid down, pulling Jeff alongside him. "Though if you get like this, I wish you would call me. I want to be with you in your hard times too."
Jeff let out a watery chuckle. "Of course you'd want to be around for my hard times."
That surprised a laugh out of Will. Only Jeff could go straight from breakdown to provocative in five seconds flat. Will enjoyed a moment of just snuggling with Jeff. Then, his ears drooped as he considered how to broach the subject on his mind.
"Jeff?"
"Yeah?" Jeff's ears perked and his head twisted to get a glimpse of the fox behind him.
"Have you considered seeing a doctor?"
Jeff froze. Then his head dropped back to the couch, his ears unknowingly mirroring Will's. It was a very small voice that answered, "Yes."
Will waited a long moment. "And?"
"I--" Jeff fidgeted. "It's hard."
"Do you need help?"
"No, I--I mean, it's fine."
"Babe." Will nosed the back of Jeff's neck.
"I know I should, it's just," Jeff's voice trailed off.
"If you ever need help with anything, babe, let me know. I'll be there."
"Thanks."
The two lay in silence for some time. When Jeff spoke next, his voice was quiet but no longer small and watery. "I should probably shower. It's, well. It's been a few days. Surprised you're lying this close, to be honest."
Will put his muzzle close to Jeff's ear and whispered, "Do you need some help in the shower? 'Cause if you do, I'll be there."
Jeff's snort sounded more like himself than he had since Will arrived. "Thought you said you wanted to be there during my hard times, not that you wanted to," he paused, fishing for a word, "inflict hard times upon me."
"I've been called difficult before--"
"I find that easy to believe," Jeff cut in, looking over his shoulder with a grin.
"But," Will continued, ignoring the interruption, "I thought you might like some hard times. If they're inflicted by me, anyway."
"Maybe later." Jeff nosed Will's cheek before stretching stiffly and rising. As he did, his eyes traced over his apartment, lingering on the floor. "Umm. You can hang out here while I shower. If you want, I mean, and you have nothing else to do. When I get out, I'll," the shadow that passed over his face was dismissed with some effort, though traces of it lingered, "I'll clean up around here a bit. Don't think there's any food around, but we can order in. If you want."
Will smiled up at Jeff, levering himself into a sitting position. "I do want. Go get naked, get wet, feel better, come back. Still naked, if you want."
Jeff gave a very passable imitation of a horse's snort. "Be back soon, love."
Will waited until he heard the shower running before he started picking things off the floor and stacking things into piles for Jeff to look at. He was sure the wolf would tell him off for cleaning. Jeff would probably even get embarrassed. If Will were very lucky, he'd get to see a blush again. Though in truth, he was mostly just glad he was able to lend a hand. A frown settled on his face. He hoped next time Jeff felt like this, he would call. He dismissed the thought with a shake of his head. Tomorrow's trouble tomorrow, he reminded himself. For tonight, he was looking forward to dinner with his wolf.
AN: I wasn't sure I wanted to write this part, at least not right after the last one, which also wasn't the happiest. But this is the story that got stuck in my head, so here it is. The next chapter will probably be more upbeat and fluffier again. Leave a comment, if it pleases you. It's always nice to know what my readers think.