Frequent Flyer
Frequent Flyer
by ff_b
Gene's business required that he fly to various locations frequently, necessitating numerous contacts with airport security and passes through countless X-ray scanners. After several years of being a frequent flyer, Gene found that his bodily hair was showing a dramatic increase to the point that he was drawing stares. To investigate the cause of this, Gene went to visit his personal physician, Dr. Vindaloo.
"This is most remarkable, most remarkable indeed!," declared the small Indian physician with the bushy eyebrows and extravagant moustache as he licked on a lollipop. "But by my extraordinary powers of deduction, I have determined that you are transforming into a red fox!"
"But how can this be?," marveled Gene.
"It would appear," speculated Dr. Vindaloo, "that your overexposure to X-ray scanners has triggered mutations on the cellular level. Your body is now reconfiguring itself!"
"Hmmm," pondered Gene. "This could be interesting!" He examined his hands that were becoming more paw-like.
"If you would like," offered Dr. Vindaloo, "I could run experiments to see what might counter the effect. For example, 'lousy stinking dog food' has shown promise in reversing invisibility!"
"No thanks, Doc," refused Gene politely. "I rather think that I'll like being a red fox!"
"As you wish," said Dr. Vindaloo, "although personally I would have preferred to become an anthropomorphic blue elephant! By the way, my remarkable diagnostic powers have also determined that you are of the fire element. You may find yourself able to combust objects with your mind!" Dr. Vindaloo shaved his shin with an electric razor as Gene departed.
Although the transformation was not without pain as his facial bones cracked and elongated into a snout, Gene enjoyed his heightened senses and the world of scents that repidly opened to him. Gene was also able to cook his dinners by focusing his attention on them. As Gene boarded a flight the following week, the security agent screening him regarded him quizically.
"I'm a vulpine American, explained Gene with a smile to the agent, who waved him on board.
Seated on the jet in a front aisle seat, Gene identified hundreds of distinct scent signatures, and was troubled that something somehow wasn't quite right...there was a chemical aroma here, something that didn't belong among the human body odors and fragrances and diverse jet smells of fuels, electronics, and plastics. Bewildered by the myriad of sensory inputs, Gene sat confused as the jet took off.
Into the flight, a swarthy and sweating man stood up, shouting in accented English that the flight would be diverted, and that everyone was to remain seated. "I am assuming command of this plane on behalf of the People's Republic of Karastan!!," he declared. The terrorist opened his shirt to reveal packets strapped to his chest, an improvised bomb of some sort.
"Jesus tapdancing Christ!," muttered Gene as he slowly arose to his feet.
"Sit down, American dog--err, furry whatever you are!," demanded the terrorist, pointing to the explosives wired to him.
Gene continued to move slowly towards the terrorist. "Time is the fire in which we burn," he said calmly to him.
"What do you mean, American infidel?," challenged the terrorist.
"Your time has run out," responded Gene as he focused the full power of his psychic energy on the Karastani.
What is remarkable about spontaneous human combustion is that it consumes a body in a fearsome intense heat that is tightly confined to the body itself, leaving surrounding areas unscathed. The terrorist was utterly consumed in a conflagration that lasted only a matter of seconds, leaving only smoldering remnants of his feet in his shoes.
"Enjoy your 72 virgins," said Gene to the remains with a dark smile.
"Well, I'm not gonna clean that up!,' said a flight attendant to Gene as she eyeballed a pile of ash surrounding the shoes. "Just what exactly are you, Mister?," she inquired.
"I'm furry for life," responded Gene as he kicked at the ashes, "but this poor bastard's made an ash of himself!" That drew applause and laughter as the flight attendant distributed free peanuts.
In the days to come, Gene's life changed dramatically as a result of his newfound celebrity and appearances on Leno and Letterman. There would be talk still further in the future of Senator Gene and Governor Gene...
...and dare we hope, someday the first furry President?!