FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

(I'd like to apologize for my long absence. I had a bit of a moral dilemma about writing erotic literature. I know, seems like this would have happened when I started writing but it didn't. The moral ramifications didn't sink in 'till my last story. Plus the fact that the literature involved rape didn't help. I finally decided there was nothing wrong with it and here you see me. Hopefully the story rate will pick up to about one per week or more often as work allows. Unfortunately, for anyone who was hoping for an instant yiffing sorry but you'll just have to wait. It's... Story Line advancement time. THE HORROR!! Bon appetite.)

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We must have sat there for an hour touching each other. Light caresses, wondering and exploratory. Our gazes would lock for a minute or two and then would drift down across our bodies. My hands running from her hair to her shoulders and down to her hips as her fingers traced the muscles of my stomach, chest, and shoulders.

I ran my fingers across her stomach and chest as she lifted her hands to my face. I stayed away from her nipples to keep from making the touches too intimate but slid my fingers around the edges of her firm breasts and down to her soft tummy fur. Her thumb rubbed slowly along my jaw line and my eyes met hers again. The look was intimate, erotic and yet it was caring too.

It finally struck me what had just happened. It wasn't merely sex, and it certainly wasn't love but it was her choice this time. She had given freely to me what I had taken by force earlier. She had forgiven me, given herself to me but I couldn't leave it at that. She was so beautiful lying there, so perfect. Whether or not she saw it as wrong I had still hurt her, I remembered the hate in her eyes in those first hours. I couldn't believe she had completely forgiven me. How could she when I hadn't forgiven myself?

My hands dropped back to my sides and despite my efforts a tear trickled down my cheek. I stared hard at the ground in front of me and watched a blade of grass move in the breeze of my breath. A gentle hand brushed over my cheek and wiped that single tear away. A pressure on the bottom of my jaw pushed my gaze up to Lashana's. The question I could see all over her face but didn't want to answer made me force my gaze back down to the ground.

The empty space where my stomach had been moments before widened inside of me. The drying remains of our cum felt cold against my body. The cold only reminded me of what she had done for me and what I had done to her. A shiver, a tremor, a shake, and finally a sob. Tears streamed from my eyes and when she tried to move closer I scooted back as fast as I could.

She didn't try to come closer again but her hand remained pressing against the bottom of my jaw in an attempt to make me look at her. It was a soft pressure that asked more than demanded that I look at her. How could I tell her no when she asked? And yet how could I look at her? Indecision weighed heavily on me and I remained where I was.

"Lasciel." That single word was enough. I looked up at her and she smiled at me. It was beautiful and terrible at the same time. The small curls at the corner of her mouth only emphasized my pain. How could I have ever thought to damage a smile like that? Before I could move Lashana pressed her muzzle to mine. The kiss was soft, giving and more than I could take.

Jumping to my feet I took off running as fast as I could in no direction in particular. I had to get away from that smile, that innocence. I had to get away from someone who could forgive me. I didn't deserve forgiveness, I deserved darkness. Eternal darkness, that should be mine. Stopping I glanced around at the ground near me and my eyes caught sight of a small spike of stone laying on the ground. Stooping I grabbed it and watched it for a few seconds that lasted more than any eternity ever could.

My decision made I drew the tip of the stone sharply across my left eye. Instantly pain roared through my face and I fell to the ground. Liquid trickled down my cheek and a blink shattered the pain into a million tiny lances that shot across my face. My sight was gone from that eye but I could still see. Still light shone upon my face. Forcing myself to my knees I saw Lashana running towards me, not yet close enough to see what I had done. It was fitting, I thought, that the last thing I would see was her.

As I raised the stone and gritted my teeth against the pain of what had once been my left eye Lashana finally saw what had happened and what was happening. Before she could do more than blink I drew the stone across my last connection to the light. A scream tore its way from my throat this time and I collapsed again. The pain had been muted before, held down by my guilt and anguish. Now it came roaring forward from the back of my mind.

I don't think I was the only one screaming but I'll never be sure. Light had left the world, the darkness was all around me. Not the dark of the inside of your eyelids but true dark with no color, no light. And through my screams of pain I smiled. This was my right, my reward for what I had done. I wouldn't see that terrible smile that forgave me so.

That was my last though before conscious thoughts fled me. I'm not sure if I actually fell asleep or if I simply lost all coherent memory to my pain, to my absolution.

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I remember pain, a lot of pain. It never left, a constant pressure that rendered me weak and helpless. Someone tended me, I wasn't thinking clearly enough to know it was Lashana. I know there were kind words and lullabies but other than that not much was there. I do remember one other thing. It was cold, so cold.

Finally came a day when the pain wasn't so intense. I awoke and tried to open my eyes but all I got was a tight feeling over my eyelids. At first I didn't remember what I had done. Then the memory returned and with it a feeling of satisfaction. I got what I deserved. I had started myself on the road of redemption which only I could pave. Lashana's forgiveness had only hurt, I needed to forgive myself before I could accept her understanding.

I was laying on a thin blanket with another draped across me. It had fallen to my legs when I had sat up and a light wind chilled my torso. Underneath me was hard like the ground and made me uncomfortable enough that I could notice through the pain of my eyes. They didn't hurt as bad but the pain was still sharp enough that I couldn't think straight.

Fighting through the pain I listened as hard as I could for any sounds that might indicate where I was. My nostrils flared as I checked for scent. Of noise all I could hear was the wind that chilled me but my nose told me more, much more. I smelled sickness first, a sour sweet smell that curdled with the bile at the back of my throat and made it tough to breathe. When I got past that first realization I smelled many things underneath it. Sweat, herbs, furs of many kinds, cooking, dust, and all the assorted stenches of a small town.

As soon as I thought this the cry of a market vendor rang through the air offering fish to passersby. I turned my head as if to survey my surroundings and forgetting momentarily what I had done I tried to open my eyes. The same stretched feeling was accompanied by a spike of pain this time. Cursing softly I raised my hands to my face to see why it stretched the way it did.

A bandage was wrapped around my face and it covered my eyes. It was thick but made of linen so it did not scratch. The bandage didn't surprise me as much as how my face felt. My previously strong cheeks had melted away and left hollows in their place. Bone lay so close to the surface and as I felt my way around my face I began to feel the strain to my arms and back.

Dropping my arms from my face I felt along my shoulders and chest. Ribs poked from skin that was delicate to the touch and fur that was stiff with sweat. My collar bone stood in sharp relief too. I was too shocked by the sudden change in my once strong physique to even feel the fatigue creeping up on me at first. When it hit it hit hard and I immediately lay back down. A cold sweat lay on my body and the sour stench of it intensified.

A door opened nearby and I turned my head in the direction of the noise. A few quick steps and I sensed a fur standing over me. It was hard to scent anything through the jumble of scents from both the town and I but I thought I caught a whiff of Lashana. I reached up my right hand and my arm shook with the strain of exerting it so soon after the pathetic bit of exercise that involved sitting up.

"Lashana?" My voice was a harsh croak that split its way from my suddenly parched throat. I'm not entirely sure I got the entire word out but a hand grabbed mine and pressed a cup of some liquid into it. Another arm curled behind my neck and pulled me up to a sitting position. Slowly the hand stroked my hair as the other pushed the cup to my mouth.

"Drink, it's water." Lashana's voice a quiet, soothing sound. I could hear the pity in it, feel the sorrow of her voice. I drank as much as I could but even swallowing took too much energy and I slowly laid my head back after only a few sips. I heard the cup set down and a pressure on the bed where I lay as she sat down. I hand laid itself delicately on top of mine and I lifted my hand up. Trying to guess where her face was I got it right and set my hand upon her cheek.

A cool wetness met my touch and I wiped away the tears the silently trailed down her cheek. Slowly I traced my thumb over her fur 'till it dried and no more tears flowed. "It's better this way." Was the only comfort I had for her. It didn't sound like much but it was all I could give, all the truth I knew how to tell.

"How?" Came a small and sad voice. "How is this better?" Her hand that had lain on mine earlier reached up and grabbed the hand I had laid on her cheek. A light touch brushed over the bandage. I didn't need that small touch to know what she was saying.

"It's what I deserved. What I did cannot simply be forgiven. I must earn the peace you have shown me or I am nothing. Please understand, I couldn't bare to see what I had hurt, bare to see what I could have destroyed." My hand dropped back from her cheek to the bed too exhausted to stay where it was.

"I forgave you, you did something I enjoyed. There should be no punishment for that. Certainly not..." She touched the bandage again and leaned against me to rest her head on my shoulder.

"What I did was wrong, ends do not always justify means. I couldn't see the... decency in your eyes without hurting. It's better for me not to have to see." I laid an arm over her shoulder and tightened my arm as best as I could. "I deserve the dark."

A shiver ran through her body and a light pressure traced its way over my shoulder. It was then I realized she was barely touching me. Her body barely touched mine and she was still heavy feeling. Where she touched my collarbone it was like she thought she might break me. I was immediately ashamed of how weak I was, I could barely hold her up.

I struggled to sit up and she at first pulled back instinctively to let me up. My muscles burned but I made it into a sitting position. I had to get stronger, work to get my strength back. A gentle pressure on my shoulder laid me back out on the bed and put an end to that idea.

"You need to rest, you won't be able to leave the building for a few days at least and probably a week or two." Those words weighed heavily on me for I had always been proud of what I could do with my body but I resolved to not let my weakness get the better of me. Clearly she had no intension of letting me get stronger though.

I laid on that bed for about a minute thinking about how I hard I would have to work to become what I used to be. I reached up a hand and set it on my bandage. It felt thick and heavy on my face. With it on it felt like I was only blindfolded and I think Lashana felt the same. As if we could simply take the linen away and I could see it again. I guess we both knew that wasn't true but it was all that let me shut up the sickening voice inside my head that tried to convince me what I had done was wrong. I had done what I had to, I knew that and yet the small voice seemed so strong.

"How long have I been out?" I asked as it occurred to me that to change this much a lot of time had to have passed. Lashana was beside me with her head close enough that I could feel hear breath on my cheek and yet I got the distinct feeling that I wasn't on a bed. It felt like I was on a few blankets that had been draped on the floor. She had to have been kneeling or sitting next to me and I ran my hand along the blanket 'till it touched ground and then her. I moved my hand slowly up until it rested on her knee and even that much exercise increased my breathing and brought a cold sweat to my forehead.

A warm weight settled on my hand and I realized that, while not gone, my guilt no longer burned my guts. I could touch her without hating myself though I still felt horrible for what I had done. In my eyes at least I had started to heal. My sin was no less, but my redemption was closer.

"It's been nearly three weeks since... Since your eyes." And that's how I started counting time. Each day was another day since my eyes. Time outside of that no longer mattered, only the length of the dark was important and each day brought a little more peace to my soul.