FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Clutching your arm, you slam the door behind you. You've been having these attacks for days, making you want to crawl into a small space and just drown out everything outside your own head. Your empty flat offers no more comfort for this pain. You squeeze the wound on your forearm, not letting go.

It started last month. You don't know why, but on the way home from work you looked at the moon and felt its pull. You barely slept that night, wandering the streets of a dirty town whose stink you hate. But the moon was there and you couldn't reach her. For a fraction of a moment you felt at ease. Elevated. In awe. And then it was gone. Leaving you in a rotten place that only allows you to exist because you have a sliver of productivity to give it at the cost of your life and health. But what else is there?

Looking around your flat you found a spot to squeeze into between the sink and the bathtub. When did this start? It wasn't always like this. There is hope in your head but it feels intangible. Unreal. Unimportant.

You dream a lot during the day. You like to think of other worlds, other possibilities. But somehow life always finds a way to punch you in the gut right when you find a meagre ounce of happiness. You have friends, but most of them live far out of reach. They can't help you here. You earn money, but not enough to stop worrying about the next paycheque. It's hopeless. You're going to lose your home at some point. Then your job. Then your life. You know it, deep down. It is a struggle you can't win. You lost the day you were born, because you were never ruthless enough to exploit the systems around you. You despise the people who do.

You tug at a towel, pressing your face into it, whimpering against the sink. Your hand is in pain and you don't know why. You would go to a doctor but you can't afford it. Your mouth opens and you want to scream but barely a sound comes out. The only thing you feel is pain in your throat. You hate your pained body. You can't look into the mirror and see anything worthy of love there. Just a miserable excuse for a human being. Why are you even human to begin with? You suck at it. Like a worm you crawl out of the bathroom, slowly standing up and wiping away the tears that run down your face. You can't even cry right. This isn't how people cry.

In the living room you crawl up on the big TV chair. It's the biggest room you have and yet it feels like it's pressing down on you. Suffocating you. But you glimpse something. Moonlight coming through the window. You look up at the beautiful full moon. You know a lot about it. As a child you wanted to be an astronaut. But of course life screwed you hard there. Your health was bad and you lived in the wrong places to even consider really going for it. But the moon was fascinating from the Apollo missions to the mythology. The moon is change, and you long for change, but at the same time it scares you. You could walk out of your job. But then? You'd not get a better one or even a new one. And then you'd lose your home. But if you can't even make that decision, why bother with any other?

Yet there is the moon shining a light into your home. The Changing One gracing you with possibilities. Foolish. The moon isn't magical - magic doesn't exist. And yet your body is in pain without you being hurt.

You reach out. Out of the shadows of your flat and into the moon's light. You sigh as nothing happens. Of course. Why would anything happen? And yet...

You felt it just now. Maybe your mind was playing tricks on you. It was too good - a soft tingle gently driving the pain away. Holding your breath, you get out of the chair. You want to tell yourself that leaving the chair is because of animal instinct. To make the pain go away. And yet you step into the light.

You feel at ease. The pain fades away like a bad memory. You hug your chest tenderly. This is too good to be true. You must be dreaming. You fell asleep in your chair and are now back in the dreamworlds, where things are good and pure. But you hear a soft whisper in your ear that sends shivers down your spine.

"Now what do YOU want?" it asks. You try to think of something small. Your mind tried to reel in the deep desires that you buried away long ago, almost forgotten. But before the Moon's light, they are laid bare. People had asked you about your wishes before but you had never shared these ones. The ones that caused you pain. Your place in life, your body, the bondage put upon you by the faceless machinations of humanity.

And then you feel another shiver as the Moon spoke again with a voice like a soft embrace. "You poor soul."

You can feel the hair on your arms rising. Lifting a hand you see small patches of fur sprouting. Soon it covers your arms and shoulders. Your heart is pounding with fear. Do you want this? Really? To give up everything you have? Just for almost-forgotten wishes? Part of you tries to tell yourself that this has to be a dumb dream that your mind made up to keep you going a little longer. It's the part of you that causes you the most pain. It helped you survive for a long time in this world that you hate.

Suddenly you realize how quiet it is. The voice in your head that usually drowns out anything else has quieted. You just feel the soft fur spreading across your body, turning it a subdued shade of grey. Your new fur coat isn't the only change though! You feel your nose stretch and slowly form a muzzle. It's surprisingly painless. You've read a lot of stories about there being pain but it isn't anything like that! It's divine. You're smelling the world for the first time; listening to a new range of sounds as your ears wander up your head, framing your beautiful lupine face. Your arms soon follow suit, stretching out a bit and becoming much more toned. You're stronger than you've ever been. You feel your torso shifting next, your broad shoulders becoming more lithe, your breasts filling out and your hips widening. You whimper again and cry tears of joy, as your groin becomes what you always wanted it to be. Just as you think you can't be more perfect, your gorgeous fluffy tail grows out and begins wagging with a happiness you haven't felt since you were a child. Your delight is impossible to contain by the time your feet change. Your knees reshape into lovely animal legs just aching to run faster than you ever have before.

You fall to your knees but rather than the rough scratchy carpet of your flat you feel soft moss against your new legs. You are in a clearing in the woods and the moon is shining brightly on you. You see her beautiful face, not high in the sky but now kneeling before you. Again she speaks, but this time she pulls you into a real hug. "How do you feel?"

Words leave my mouth like a waterfall. "Elated. At peace. As if I've finally come home."

"I am glad and I am sorry that you suffered for so long. It should have never been. For now you deserve and need to rest. Do not worry about your old life just yet. We will think about this tomorrow and I will watch over you."

You have no words, and you realize you don't need words. You curl half of your body up on the moon's lap and close your eyes. With one hand you hold onto gown and for the first time in years, you don't worry about tomorrow.