Pure hell
Inspired by my own experience with depression, BPD and PTSD
Trigger warning.
It starts slowly.
You wake up at 6 am to go to school. You only had a few hours of sleep, because you wanted to stay awake before tomorrow comes. After laying in your bed for what feels like an eternity you finally manage to get up. Your legs feel heavy, your mind fogged. Everything you do feels forced. "It's gonna be a hard day" you think to yourself.
And you were right. You sit down next to your classmate for the first lesson. They greet you but you don't feel chatty today. Conversations feel exhausting and you just want to be left alone. You go through the day feeling like a void replaced your soul. "Tomorrow will be better" you thought.
But it doesn't. For weeks, even months on end you wake up to the same numb feelings. Sometimes you cry for 15 minutes before managing to drag yourself out of your bed. Sometimes you ignore your friends texts for days and don't leave the house on weekends. You close yourself off, isolate yourself because you're simply too tired mentally. Showering feels like a chore, you don't seem to care about yourself anymore.
You feel like you're living on autopilot. You have nothing to be excited about. Nothing to look forward to. Sometimes you ask yourself why you keep going. "It will never get better". To you, life is a curse and you want to get rid of it. You have an enemy, your own emotions, you have beat everyday. But how long can you keep going?
Mood swings are a daily occurrence. You get irritated very easily. Lash out at people who have done nothing wrong. They start to avoid you, while you continue to be fueled with anger and sadness. You lose friends by getting into unnecessary fights. "It's not me, it's them. I'm glad I got rid of them."
You are young and naive. You meet someone new and trust them. Maybe they said something hurtful. Maybe they hurt you physically. Broke your trust. Shattered your mind beyond recognition. The trauma consumes you and you start to crack internally. Your brain screams for help but you can't hear it. Your senses are completely overshadowed.
Your immature and trustful soul gets influenced very easily by your fellows. Especially negative characters. Today you discover cigarettes and alcohol. Tomorrow you discover dangerous substances. You have meaningless sex to feel validated. Your inner child is drowning in darkness and hopelessness. To avoid life's struggles you decided to get a taste of addiction. And you liked it. "Trying can't hurt" you said. "I won't do it again"
Before you know it you fell into a hole deeper than you ever imagined. Your immense cravings for happiness take priority. You're going mad, but everything is fine, because you have your bottle and knife. You take drink after drink. Pill after pill. Just to feel better. "I'm not addicted" you lie to yourself. Without your self proclaimed medicine you're frustrated. You feel like ripping your skin to pieces. Terrorizing dreams take over your nights. You feel paranoid, anxious, afraid of everything. Your grades drop because your cognitive abilities are completely trashed due to your drug habits. You run to the bathroom and break down crying. Then you grab the box cutter from your pocket and declare your skin as cardboard. You starve your already fatigued body to feel some control in your messy existence. You go months living your life on edge, always risking to fall to your death trying to escape from the monsters that have been chasing you all over the city. You're terrified, you're so mentally sick, you can't stop feeling insane. You are insane.
Maybe among to your already scarred arm you add another cut that wouldn't heal. Maybe that pill would put you to an endless sleep. Maybe you do fall of that edge.
And you would always, always regret it.