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Mail Order Micros

By Calex The Neko

A van pulled along a dusty ancient looking road before eventually stopping outside a decrepit brown structure that may have once been a house or possibly giant brick made out of sand. The structure sat in the middle of the desert completely isolated from society and the rest of the world. It wasn't a place anyone would want to visit. Apparently, not even the driver of the van. They didn't even bother to slow down as they approached the structure. Instead they rolled down the river before tossing a cardboard box that flew out and skidded across the sand before landing upside down outside the 'house.' And then the van left... And the place was devoid of life again. Well... Perhaps not completely devoid.

As the box sat upside down two very tiny figures, one bright orange, the other more rust colored, slowly crawled out from underneath the box. They were no bigger than ants, and easily overlooked unless you were specifically looking for them.

"Well that's gotta be the second roughest way I've ever traveled." The taller of the two figures coughed as he slowly climbed up onto two paws. It was a very tiny foxyote who was not used to being so small! Well... That wasn't entirely true. Kickaha wasn't used to it lasting this long though. "Still moderately more comfortable than flying. More leg room at least."

"It wasn't that bad!" The second figure was a much younger looking kitten. Calex seemed no worse for the wear from the travel. Even Kickaha was a little taken aback by just how completely unfazed the little guy was. He was starting to worry the kitten might be nigh indestructible.

"We're not even as big as insects, got shoved into a cardboard box, and then mailed all the way to Timbuktu. It's pretty bad!" Kickaha exclaimed. "Ohhh, when I get back and I see Erakir... I'm gonna... I'm gonna..."

"Continue an endless cycle of vengeance in continuously escalating transformation themed pranks?" Calex asked.

"YES!" Kickaha replied. Then he paused as he looked around. Nothing but sand in every direction. A trip through the desert was hardly comfortable at normal sizes... Now that grains of sand were more like boulders. "Ugh this is going to be a pain. I can't believe Erakir's little spell left us stuck like this."

"It's fiiiine! We'll manage!" Calex insisted. "Though I'm surprised we're stuck... I get the first one was a big powerful curse thingy... But I'm surprised your magic can't actually counter Erakir's. Thought he just used normal spells. Guess I just don't understand magic."

"... Wait..." Kickaha paused as he had a sudden realization. Erakir was an accomplished spellcaster sure... But he wasn't world altering curse powerful. His spell was likely just your run of the mill size changing spells which meant...

Kickaha snapped his fingers. Suddenly both him and the kitten were much bigger. Nowhere near their proper sizes... But Kickaha was now somewhere close to about two inches tall with Calex at half that. They were back to the sizes that wishing well curse had placed them at.

"Wait were you able to do that this entire time?" Calex asked.

"LOOK I DIDN'T THINK OF IT OKAY!" Kickaha's fur bristled. "There was a lot on my mind! The sun was in my eyes!"

"We were inside a dark box..."

"SUN IN MY EYES!" Kickaha insisted. "Look, let's just get out of here and go back home so we can get the rest of the way back to normal."

"Alright! Lead the way!" Calex pointed across the desert. "I'm sure there's still a million adventures to be had between here and home!"

"Oh no we're not going out there." Kickaha shook his head. "No way, no how."

"Why not?" Calex tilted his head.

"For starters, a trip across the desert while two inches in height is certain death." The foxoyte nodded sagely. "Also it'd be boring. There's no one here to interact with. And foxyote's don't do boring. Do kittens?"

"Well... No..." Calex looked downward in shame to avoid Kickaha's gaze. "But it's not as if we have any other options."

"Oh you naïve and sweet kitten." Kickaha patted Calex on the head in an only slightly condescending manner. "You're thinking plausible options. I am a master of implausible options. Step one! We flip this box right side up!" The foxyote bent down and placed his hands under the edge of the cardboard then began to lift. It didn't budge. "A little help?"

Calex nodded, moved to Kickaha's side and placed his own paws beneath the corner of the box. Then in one fluid motion he flipped the entire giant cardboard box into the air and had it land right side up.

"Show off." Kickaha stuck out his tongue. Then he quickly climbed up atop the box. He got down on his hands and knees as he began to use his claws to scratch out a message in the cardboard.

"Whatcha doing?" Calex asked.

"Just getting us a one way all expense paid ticket back home!" Kickaha smiled. It took him a few minutes to finish his work as the kitten watched in silence. When he was done he stood back up and took a few steps back away from the box to admire his work. It was a little messy... But the message was clear. Three words had been carved into the very top of the box large enough for any normal sized person to see.

'Return to Sender.'

"And that's all it takes." Kickaha clapped his hands together to free them of dust. "Now... We just go back into the box and wait!"

"Don't we want to explore a little bit first?" Calex asked. "I mean the mail just came... I imagine it'll be at least a day before they come to pick it up."

"And that's where you're wrong my feline friend." Kickaha smiled as he watched Calex climb up onto the box. "For you see, the post office is surprisingly more efficient than you'd expect! And thus will always show up to pick up a package when dramatically appropriate!" Right as he said it the same van that had passed by earlier could be seen approaching on the road again. "See! Now quickly, inside the box! Hide!" Kickaha lifted up a corner of the box and slipped inside, he was followed by the kitten.

The van pulled up to the old structure again and the window unraveled. A long arm covered in a blue coat slowly stretched out and grabbed the box. The incoherent grumbling of some inhuman creature could be heard as it read the message on the box. With no choice it pulled the box completely into the van and drove off.

"Well this actually turned out to be pretty easy to resolve." Inside the box among its contents Kickaha sat with his legs crossed as relaxed as possible.

"So this is it?" Calex asked. "It's over we just ride the box all the way home?"

"Yup!" Kickaha nodded. "There's no point in telling anymore about this. Everything is going to be fixed and nothing of note happened on the way back!"

"Um... What?" Calex seemed confused by the foxyote's tone.

"As I said... Everything is going to be fixed and nothing of note happened on the way back!" Kickaha insisted.

"What... What are you doing?" Calex was completely confused.

"I'm waiting for the fade to black!" Kickaha insisted.

"... What?"

"You know! You obviously of all people have to know!" Kickaha insisted. "The fade to black! The big the end! The moment when everything wraps up and everything is fine till the next adventure."

"So... When Odin tucks me into bed at night?" The kitten asked.

"No!" Kickaha couldn't understand. He was sure the kitten knew how these things worked. "Well maybe sometimes... Not this time! The point is... It should be done... Now."

"What's done?" Calex asked.

"And this conversation is still going..." Kickaha's tail sagged. "This does not bode well."

"I don't know what's got you so riled up..." Calex shrugged. "But you should relax! We're on the way home! Everything is going to be fiiiiiiiiiiiine."

"HOW MANY 'i's was that!?" Kickaha sat up and grabbed the kitten by the shoulders and shook him.

"What!?"

"How many 'i's?!" The foxyote demanded.

"What has gotten into you?" Calex was getting dizzy from the shaking.

"It's never fine if you say it's fine!" Kickaha released the kitten and threw his hands in the air. "Especially when it's you! And the more 'i's you put into your 'fine' the worse things will get! Calex! You've doomed us all!"

"Doomed us to what?" Calex asked. "What could possibly go wrong?"

"Stop saying things like that!" Kickaha grabbed the kitten's muzzle and attempted to hold it shut. "That's TERRIBLE luck! Quick, sit still. Maybe if we both sit here quietly, reality will get bored and go away."

But it was already too late.

The van had arrived back at the local Timbuktu post office. The package slid out of the van and onto a conveyer belt for sorting with several other packages. All it had to do was reach the end of the belt and the two would be homeward bound. But there was one problem. Each package on the belt was dumped onto a scale. When this one landed on it a loud siren began to blare as red lights flashed.

"Postal Alert. Postal Alert." A computerized voice sounded throughout the entire facility. "Insufficient postage detected. The postmaster has been alerted."

"Kickaha, what's going on?" Asked the kitten inside the box. "Why is everything so loud."

"Karma. Karma is going on." Kickaha hissed.

And then the front doors of the post office swung open. And in strode an impressive figure of at seven feet high. With his hat. Without the hat was a small equine shaped figure, one might call a pony, that was about two and a half feet in height.

"What... What is the meaning of this!?" The pony demanded.

"It's him!" The voices of post office workers could be heard.

"I thought he was just a bed time story we told to scare children."

"It can't be him. He can't be real... But it really is..."

"Kick?" Inside the box Calex was climbing the wall trying to peer through the crack and see the commotion. "Who is it? What's everyone upset about?"

"There's only one person it could be." Kickaha narrowed his eyes. "General Postmaster General."

"What... Is the meaning of this?" The General demanded as he strode into the post office, hooves clicking against the ground. "How do we have an insufficient postage error? We have procedures in place to prevent this!" He picked up the box containing the kitten and foxyote and shook it then examined the top of it."

"Gah!" Calex let out a yelp as he was tossed around inside."

"Quiet!" Kickaha grabbed the kitten and clung to him and did his best to avoid landing awkward. "He'll hear you!"

"As I suspected..." The General billowed. "This package is exactly one ounce overweight to go through the mail with its current postage!"

"One ounce?" Kickaha's ears flattened as he looked over himself and Calex. He had a pretty good idea of about how much they weighed put together right now.

"But... That can't be right?" A nervous human postal worker approached The General. "It's a 'Return to Sender.' So it had to have enough postage the first time right?"

"FOOL!" The General kicked the worker in the shin. "Do you think I don't know this! There are only two possibilities at play. Either somehow or perfect system failed to detect this on the first time through..."

"I suppose it could be a glitch in the system..." The worker conceded.

"OR SOMEONE HAS TAMPERED WITH THE MAIL!" The General shouted so loud the roof temporarily bounced off the post office. "Tampering is a serious crime! And let it be known... I will find the ones responsible. And I shall punish them with the extreme prejudice that a tamperer deserves."

"Sir, that's not a real word..." The worker started.

"DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CORRECT THE GRAMMAR OF A GENERAL!" The General shouted. "I shall began my investigation immediately!"

"But what do we do with the package?" The worker asked.

"The same thing we do with all tampered packages..." The General dropped the package back onto the scale. "Toss it in... The Hole!"

"Y-yes sir!" The worker exclaimed before picking up the package. He then reached beneath his desk and pulled an enormous lever as a trap door opened in the center of the room.

"Not The Hole!" Kickaha exclaimed. "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" But it was again too late. The package fell down into the deep abyss that all doomed mail goes to. It landed on a giant pile of letters to local congressmen before tilting onto its side and spilling the foxyote and kitten out.

"Well he didn't seem very nice..." Calex complained as he climbed to his feet.

"We're doomed... Doomed! Doooooomed!" Kickaha laughed nervously. "No one escapes from The Hole! No way out! I can't end this way! I'm too weird to end this way!"

"Kickaha are you okay?" Calex took a few steps back. "You're acting a little... Crazy. And not the fun crazy."

"Doomed. Doomed. Doomy doomed of doomy doomeds." Kickaha muttered.

"Kick?"

"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!"

CHOMP!

"YEOOOOUCH!" Kickaha snapped back into reality as the kitten bit down rather hard onto his tail. "What was that for?"

"Sorry, I lost you there for a second." Calex released the foyote. "It was the only way I could think of!"

"Sorry, I was having a moment..." Kickaha looked around. The area was just one endless mountain of letters, boxes and envelopes.

"HEY!" Calex stared down at one letter. "I found my letter to Santa from last year! He was telling the truth! He really didn't get it. Well now I just feel bad."

"Focus Calex!" Kickaha chided. "We need a way out of here. But... No one has ever escaped The Hole before."

"Has anyone actually been in The Hole?" Calex asked. "Cause it feels like we got thrown down here on accident."

"Not once." Kickaha replied. "That's why no one has ever escaped from it."

"Then is it really inescapable?" The kitten tilted his head.

"Calex... I'm trying to be dramatic." The foxyote gave an exasperated sigh. "If you understood the importance of these things we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. Now let me try to come up with a plan." He looked up. The only way out was of course the trap door. But there was nothing they could climb to it, even if they stacked up every box. And then even if they got there what could possibly open it?

Wait... Kickaha remembered Calex flipping over the box earlier. The little guy was unnaturally strong. He once saw the kitten punch out a kaiju.

"If I get you up there, you think you can punch that door open?" Kickaha asked.

"Oh that'd be easy!" Calex smiled. "But how would we get up here?"

"You haven't figured that part out yet?" Kickaha flashed a wolfish grin. "Oh young kitten, how easily do you forget that I'm magic." Kickaha held out his arms as they transformed into black feathered wings. The feathers soon spread out over his entire body as he took on the form of a (currently rather tiny) crow. The only hint to his true shape was the diamond shape on his chest. "Hop on my back!" The now crow shaped Kickaha shouted.

"Roger!" The kitten was still small enough to climb onto the bird's back. With that the crow took flight. There wasn't exactly any wind within the room to soar on... But being so small had its advantages. He was light, and it was easy to pick up altitude. Kickaha soared to the top of the room and began to circle the trap door. "Do it now!"

"I'm on it!" Calex shouted as he leaped upward from Kickaha's back. The shockwave of him leaving nearly caused the crow to plummet. The kitten meanwhile held out one paw as he crashed into the trap door completely tearing through it. Calex flew upwards through the hole he made before landing on the floor in the post office. Kickaha flew threw a second later before returning to his normal form directly next to Calex.

"Well that worked out pretty-" Kickaha started to say.

"TAMPERERS!" General Postmaster General's voice suddenly sounded throughout the entire building. "Tiny Tamperers who return to the scene of the crime!" He was standing directly above the destroyed trap door. The pony stamped his hooves on the ground.

"You know in my hurry to escape The General completely escaped my mind..."

"What now?" Calex asked.

"Well..." Kickaha stared at the giant monster sized two and a half foot tall pony. "In a situation I've found a certain diplomatic tactic has always served me well."

"And that is?" Calex asked.

"RUN!" Kickaha took off at full speed. "Run like your life depends on it! Because it probably does!"

"Wait for me!" Calex cried as he took off after the foxyote.

"THERE IS NO ESCAPE!" The General shouted. He was larger and could cover more distance, but the post office was crowded. Kickaha and Calex slipped beneath the conveyer belt and soon found themselves in a much larger room.

It was some kind of warehouse. There were several more belts here as well as a series of cranes moving packages aside. Kickaha and Calex found themselves coming out standing on one crane that had a series of letters moving past it. Kickaha looked over the edge to see they must have been at least fifty feet up from the floor! And that was before he did the math to figure out what the distance looked like at his size.

"What now?" Calex asked.

"Find a package going back home!" Kickaha hissed. "And for the love of all that is good find one that isn't just one ounce from having insufficient postage."

The two scrambled as they ran opposite ways on the conveyer belt and began to check packages.

"Paris France... Paris Texas. Parsis Arkansas..." Calex read some of them. "None over here.

"Keep looking!" Kickaha hissed as he began to check some of the boxed packages.

"TAMPERERS!" The General suddenly burst through a door far down on the floor. "You shall pay for your crimes!"

"He's back!" Calex shouted.

"Don't worry!" Kickaha smiled. "He's all the way down there! I don't see any ladders or stairs. We're fine."

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOAWR!" The General let out a blood curdling scream. Then he slammed his hooves into the wall and began to climb directly up them.

"... But... But he's a horse! Horses can't climb! That doesn't even make sense!" Kickaha threw up his arms. "If I make it out of this alive! I'm DEFINITELY going to fill out a customer service complaint form 114-C!" Kickaha saw something else that gave him pause as he looked down at the belt below them. A package went by with a very familiar address in Anytown, USA. "Calex jump now!" Kickaha shouted as he jumped himself.

"What!?" Calex was confused but he listened. The kitten leaped from the conveyer belt after Kickaha. Both of them landed on the cardboard box Kickaha had spied.

"This one! We have to hide in this one!" Kickaha exclaimed.

"YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME!" The General shouted as he got closer and closer.

"He might be right." Calex muttered. "Even if we go in this one, he'll know we're here! And that's assuming the box has enough extra postage to carry us!"

"Well..." Kickaha lifted up the corner of the box. His eyes lit up as he saw their contents. "I think... I have an idea. But you're not going to like it."

"Do we have other options?" Calex asked.

"Not really..." Kickaha muttered as he prepared to cast the spell he hoped would save their lives.

Within seconds though General Postmaster General was up to their level. He leaped from the wall onto the conveyor belt and picked up the package he had seen the two disappear into. He had them! He opened the package and prepared to distribute punishment.

And then paused and narrowed his brow in confusion. He didn't see either of them in the package. Just the box's contents. A couple of colorful eggs someone had obviously ordered for Easter. One of them was rust colored and the other orange. The General stared at them in confusion. Where had the Tamperers gone. Then he looked up and saw something small go around the corner of the conveyor belt. He quickly packaged the eggs back up and set the package down gently before running around the corner to see what caught his attention.

And there... He saw... Two more Easter eggs! One pink and one green. But these were clearly plastic and could open up!

"Ha! So that's where you tried to hide?" The General laughed. "Well I'm afraid it's over." He opened up the egg then dropped it. "No... No! That's not possible!" The eggs hadn't been empty... But instead the only thing they had contained was normal Easter candy. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

As the General's scream echoed throughout the post office the box containing the rust and orange colored eggs was loaded safely onto a mail truck. It had passed inspection easily and was mailed out that day.

A few days later.

Odin was starting to get a little concerned. It wasn't that uncommon for Calex to disappear for a few days... But it had been awhile now. He had been working on a few drones to track him down but so far they had come back empty handed. Perhaps the kitten was just very very tiny? He was working on a new drone that could search for microscopic kitties when he heard a knock at his door.

The wolf rose from his work and opened the door. He was just in time to watch a van drive away as a cardboard had been left.

"Must be the Easter candy I ordered for the guy..." Odin muttered as he took the box inside and opened it. Then his eyes widened as he saw what was inside of it. There were two eggs... But they weren't plastic! Instead they looked like real eggs... Though oddly colored, one being rust and the other orange. "Of course it's something like this." He sighed and quickly built a nest out of a shoebox and placed a heat lamp over it.

It was only a couple more days before the eggs hatched.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAWR!" The orange egg hatched first as a tiny inch long dragon cub emerged from it.

"Raaawr..." The rusty colored dragon that hatched from the other egg seemed a little more tired as it came out.

"Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr!" The orange dragon who was clearly Calex took flight the moment he had hatched clearly excited to be home and see his wolf again. "RAAAAWR!" He flew in circles around the wolf happily.

"Easy... Easy..." Odin muttered and looked down at the other dragon that must have been Kickaha. "Do I even want to know how this happened?"

"R-rawr..." Kickaha looked away from Odin.

"Alright... I'll guess I'll get to work on an antidote for this." Odin sighed. "In the meantime I better do a web search on what baby mini dragons eat."

And with that the two were home and everything was mostly back to normal. Sure... There were still a few things to fix. But they'd be done in time. Besides... However long it took for them to get back to their normal forms would probably be as long a break as Kickaha got before his next misadventure.

The End