FSE

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It's February 26, and Tara's already pounding on my door by the time I wake up. She's going on about how Starr's life is going to get ruined.

"What?" I was still waking up, I hadn't even gotten dressed yet.

"Starr, Sugar, the Corvette! They're going to die!"

That snapped me up. I asked her to explain more.

"Starr and Sugar, Starr got Sugar a Corvette, Sugar's going to get in a head-on crash going 80!"

Real shit, but what can I do? I'm not some god, able to just alter the future.

"Is there anything you can do?" I ask.

"No. Altering time takes some of the strongest magic, and is one of the most heinous crimes in the arcane arts."

"Why did you tell me this?"

"Well, you have power over both of them."

"What, ground them? That won't help anything!"

"You can't just do nothing!"

"I'll do the magic, then."

"You're not even magical."

"Then I'll go to Sulu and tell the guys to do it." I close the door before Tara gets to respond, and I go to get dressed.

I wake Cesilia up and tell her that she'll be in charge for the next few days. Once I'm dressed, I go to the flats to fetch Lysandre. On the way, I run into the gypsy girl, Yenni. She basically tells me the exact same as Tara, and I tell her I'm working on it.

Lysandre responds to me the same way I responded to Tara.

"Director, it's 4 AM."

"Yeah? I need to get to the Philippines, and I can't fly a plane," I grab his arm, "c'mon."

"I'm not even dressed!"

"Lives are on the line. There's no time to explain." I pull him all the way to his car, but the doors are locked.

"How do you expect me to get you there without my keys?" he snaps.

I relent and let him get dressed, and he comes back a half hour later. We get in the car and he starts driving.

"The Philippines?" he asks.

"Sulu, in the Philippines," I clarify.

"What's there?"

"The Tubigan School of Magic."

"Why do you need to be there?"

"Because Starr and Sugar are both going to die in car wrecks relating to their imminent divorce."

Lysandre's silent for a minute.

"That's quite a theory."

"Tara foresaw it."

"What are you gonna do there?"

"Enter the Arcaneum and fix it."

"The what now?"

"The magic world. I guess the best way to describe it would be like Diagon Alley, from Harry Potter."

"And you think you will be able to just magically fix Bea and Sofie's marriage?"

"Well, I'm not very charismatic."

We sped through Goodsprings, and started on the long stretch of road to Jean.

We arrived half an hour later, and Lysandre got his plane out. Tiny little thing, then again, tiny little runway. And tiny little man, too.

We load in and take off. Without even the radio on, the first leg to San Diego is incredibly dull. We're circling around the airport, dodging jumbo jets until the plane starts ringing. We're running out of fuel. Tiny plane, tiny engine, tiny tank.

We finally get clearance to land and we taxi in to a hangar. We have to get out and wait for them to refuel the plane. In the meantime, we get some breakfast and Lysandre gets a couple Jerry cans filled.

"Two hundred and fifty bucks," Lysandre says as we climb back into the cabin.

"I'll tell Starr to give you a bonus once this all blows over."

A rough takeoff, but we're soon over the ocean. Next stop: Hawaii.

The droning of the engine, the deep blue ocean all around us, the early morning sky, it all comes together and I doze off.

I'm shaken awake by the plane hitting the water. I'm panicking, but then Lysandre tells me that he stopped. He says we're about halfway to Hawaii and he needs to refuel the plane again. He grabs a Jerry can and jumps out.

I'm sitting in the plane as it bobs back and forth, as Lysandre empties the Jerry can into the tank. He's back inside within 10 minutes and we're back on our way.

Another five hours of water, and it finally rises over the horizon: Hawaii. Lysandre gets on the radio again, and we land on an airfield in Hilo. He rests in the plane while I go into town.

He calls me a couple hours later, and I come back with a map of the Philippines and lunch.

Our next leg is from here to Fiji. He says it'll take about 20 hours with his one engine and the stockpile of fuel. We load up on caffeine and food and take off again.

20 hours later, we land in Fiji. He refuels again and we both call it a night.

The next leg to Cairns goes about as expected. We're halfway across the Celebes Sea, when Lysandre asks for the map.

"It won't be on the map," I say.

"Then why did you get a map?"

"To help find it. I'll tell you when we're in the area. Land at Jolo."

We land and immediately I get a call from Cesilia. I suppose I was expecting it. She talks about how Sugar is obsessed with the car, and wants me to talk to Starr.

We take a break from flying to just sort of settle in. Traveling so far, for so long, really tires you out. The next morning, I call Starr. I give her my two cents, and conclude that she get rid of the car. Sell it, wreck it, whatever. She goes silent and I hang up.

Next stop: Tubigan. The big one.

We lift off.

"Keep the radio on," I tell him.

"Why? Will it tell us where the Island is?"

"No, the island is masked. The electric field from the antenna will break the magic."

He turns the radio on and I pull out the map. I compare our surroundings to the map, looking for an uncharted island.

About an hour of flying aimlessly later, I find one that isn't charted. There it is. Looking through a telescope, yeah that confirms it. The buildings, the well, and signs of maintenance. I tap Lysandre's shoulder and tell him to climb as high as he can over it.

"We can't climb much higher than this, what with all the extra weight and my engine struggling to keep our speed this high already."

"Fine. Do you have a parachute?"

"Uh, one. A personally fitted emergency parachute."

"Don't you do skydiving, though?"

"Well, yeah, but the cabin's full of gas cans and you never said you'd be jumping out of the plane."

"How big is it?"

"Not big enough for you, I mean look at me. My parachute would probably fit on a child."

I think for a second. "Fuck it," I say, grabbing the parachute from behind Lysandre's seat. I open my door and jump.

Hot damn, I jumped early. I'm going to land in the well going way too fast, parachute or not. I immediately regret this.

In a desperate attempt at self-preservation, I pull the cord.

Even worse, I'm going to fall into the well. As in, the center, where the magic comes from. Jesus fucking Christ, this is the worst decision I've ever made. I squeeze my eyes shut and brace for impact.

Suddenly, I touch the ground. I don't land, I don't hit the ground, I softly touch down. I open my eyes. I'm standing on white grass growing in black dirt. I look around, it's like I'm somewhere between Hogsmeade and the Soul Cairn. People all around, black and purple sky, and magical shops lining the streets. I'm sure I stick out like a sore thumb with this parachute. Nobody seems to care, though. Well now I don't know what to do. I didn't think the Arcaneum would look like this.

I look around more. There's a gilded globe before me, with a sort of magical heat map on it. There are a couple blips in the Mojave. I touch one, and suddenly I'm in San Antonio Rodriguez.

I'm in Saraline's lab, but with the same purple color palette as earlier. I go out and see Starr. She's slouched over the steering wheel of her car. Getting closer, she looks disheveled.

She jerks up before I can get within arms reach. She starts the car and slowly pulls out of the garage. This is bad, this is really bad, she's drunk, and in her car driving.

I hop in the back seat and she starts going for Goodsprings.

We're on the road for about 10 minutes, and she is so clearly drunk. Speeding, swerving, running stop signs, and bam! She hits a guard rail. Head on, and the car goes full scorpion. The tail flies up and slams against the ground. The car slides upside down for another 50 meters, and I just know necks aren't supposed to bend like that. It finally stops and, thankfully she's still alive. Looking at her, though, I can tell she won't be for long. Now's my time to shine.

Good god, everything above her shoulders is broken. I can't move her, I can't do magic, I can't do anything but watch. It's like I'm a ghost.

Wait, ghosts! They do shit with radios, right? They can, they can change the channel on the TV, they can jam radio broadcasts, yeah, like that! And all the ghost stories I hear are about how the ghost just does things how they normally would.

Ok, I guess I should get Starr's phone. Mine isn't going to work here.

Got it, now I just--

Suddenly, the purple palette disappears. I feel the heat of the desert, things move when I touch them, it's like I'm actually there.

10 seconds later, I'm back to being a ghost. What? I turn on Starr's phone again, and I'm back at the wreck. Is her phone creating some sort of rift in the Arcaneum? That's good. Now I can actually interact with the world. First order of business, call 911. I give the operator the location and situation, and then hang up. Back to the Arcaneum.

I stay with her all the way to the hospital, and oversee her recovery. Through the next eleven days, I'm there with her.

At some point, I notice several dark figures gathering out front. They acknowledge my presence, they must be some sort of magical authority. I don't have any way to defend myself. I'm a non-mage who snuck into the Arcaneum and interrupted death. They have no reason to let me live. They're not coming into the town, though. Just standing out front, as if something is preventing them from entering.

That's when I notice that one of them has a scythe. That's- real shit- the Grim Reaper. I won't let them take Starr or Sugar. I'm still a ghost, though. There's no way to get, like, a weapon or anything to scare them off. At least no normal weapon.

Roose has an abnormal weapon, though. And it's a gun, too! All I have to do is get it, and I might stand a chance, or something.

I get down to Roose's flat, and almost grab his gun, when suddenly-

"What the hell are you doing?" I hear Roose yell as he clamps down on my wrist.

"You can see me?" I ask, totally astonished.

"Are you in the Arcaneum?"

"Uh, yeah."

"How did you get in the Arcaneum?"

"I, uh, snuck in."

"You snuck into the Arcaneum? You know normal people aren't supposed to do that!"

"Most people don't know what the Arcaneum is!"

"Why are you in the Arcaneum?"

"I'm saving Starr and Sugar's marriage, and their lives!"

"You fucking interrupted death?!"

"Don't doctors do that anyway?"

"That's different, doctors are factored into one's fate, rather than just going in and steering it in another direction."

"I didn't just steer it in another direction!"

"You fucking cancelled Bea's death! That's haphazardly extending someone's life!"

"Is that illegal?"

"To the highest degree, is that why you want my gun?"

"I can't face the Grim fucking Reaper and his friends!"

"They're here? The Reaper and the council?"

"Are there 8 of them dressed in black?"

"You brought the council here. You are so fucked, you know that?"

"I need your help! Without me, you're out of a job!"

"I hunt monsters, that's my job."

"You're a model for Dirty Dog, that's your job. The one that gets you American dollars and puts food on the table! And you're not the only one! Just help me out, I'll do anything!"

"... Fine. But you are mine until the end of the month."

"What do you mean?"

"Sorta like slavery."

"Wait-"

He narrowed his eyes, "You want me to bail you out of doing three of the most illegal things ever. Servitude for a month is merciful."

We went back up and approached the front gate. The Grim Reaper stood there, still as a stone, with four council members on either side.

Roose spoke, "Hi. R-"

"Roose Calur," one of the councilmen interrupted, "The monster killer. You came to defend this invader?"

"Not exactly. I'd like to make a peace offering."

"This one, the physical being, snuck into the Arcaneum and prevented two deaths. Two of the highest crimes imaginable, one performed twice. What peace offering could you bring to reprimand that?"

"Well I think that's for him to decide," Roose motioned to the Reaper and presented his satchel. "This carries the lives of everything I have ever slain for good. I draw my power from it, but it is yours if you let my friend go."

The Reaper stared. Then, it slowly reached out and pulled a handful of lives from Roose's satchel. It then turned and left.

"The Reaper is satisfied," one of the councilmen said. "The invader will be returned," and he started spinning up a spell.

"Remember. My slave until April first," Roose commanded.

I started feeling warm, no, hot. Insanely hot. Like, fire hot. Suddenly, I was flying through the air, like I'd been shot out of a cannon. The parachute opened and I saw I'd been catapulted from Tubigan Island.

Almost that quick, Lysandre's plane snagged the parachute. I was jolted to the plane's speed as its tail pulled me along.

Lysandre immediately landed the plane and I got in.

"Did you do it?" He asked.

"Yeah. I saved them."

"What, was that some time travel thing? You just came in, came out like that," he snapped his fingers.

"Wacky shit, man. A lot happened while you were snapping your fingers."

"Do tell, if you're comfortable."

"I'll tell you on the flight back."

With that, we set off, back for Cairns, back for Mana, for Hilo, for San Diego, and finally, back for Jean. The whole trip took about a week. I relived that week, except I was actually here this time. Starr got in a near-fatal DUI accident and was "miraculously" saved, then 11 days later, she called me.

"What was your idea again?" She sounded enraged, but also weak.

"Oh, nevermind that. I'll take care of it." I hung up. My next call was for Khloe.

"Oi, who am I speaking with?" was the first thing she said.

"Hey, I need you to steal Sugar's car."

"You what?"

"Yeah, I need you to steal Sugar's car. Starr just woke up from a coma, and the car is ripping them up."

"Bloody hell. The Corvette right?"

"Yeah."

"I'll be over, soon as I can."

That night, Khloe came in and stole the car. That was the end of that as far as I could tell. I still had business with Roose, though, so I returned to his flat.

Roose was there, dressed like a dominatrix when I knocked on the door. Inside, he stripped and bound me, and quickly forced out, "The safe word is 'Antidisestablishmentarianism,' got it?" I assume that was a joke, because he gagged me before I could answer.

The rest of the month went exactly as one would expect. A variety of toys and techniques were introduced to perpetuate the non-stop stream of BDSM. Unfortunately, he never thought to have a camera, so I lost out on an issue of Dirty Dog.

I'm glad it's all over now. I'm back in my home, not sleeping on a rug, able to wear something that doesn't pull out my fur...

You know, after a month becomes just a blue of leather and chains, you realize how much you take for granted. I don't think Roose even fed me anything substantive.

I should probably check on Starr and Sugar. Cesilia says Starr's out of the hospital.