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Zootopia

DIRTY HAIRY

By Dan 1966

Loosely based off of Clint Eastwood's Harry Callahan.

(c) Zootopia. 2016 Walt Disney Productions

(c) Dirty Harry 1971 Malpaso Productions

(c) Fritz the Cat 1970 Ralph Bakshe

All rights respected. Not for monetary gain and none expected. Fandom enjoyment only.

Rated R for violence, swearing, graphic depictions of death and sex.

Who's killing animals across the city of Zootopia, leaving many half eaten in their cars? To get down in the dirt, you need a cop who skirts the line between legality and criminal-ism. That's when you call in homicide inspector Fritz Catz aka "Dirty Hairy". He's Gentile and likable when he's in the Precinct house but a complete bastard out on the streets who packs a howitzer for a gun. When the offender has to be absolutely stopped overnight...Fritz is the cat for the job.

PART 13

Time: Unknown

Day: Unknown

Location: Unknown

Situation: Yup.....flucked.

"Flucked" was at least the first word that came to Fritz's mind as he felt the cooling mist of water hitting him in the face from a plastic bottle sprayer. He knew his hands were bound...not cuffed but bound with rope...and that he was in a reasonably comfortable chair. He opened his eyes just a little to get the immediate picture of things. The two cobra were present, a smaller one and the larger one both coiled up and obviously sleeping or lounging about. David was standing with the water bottle in one paw while patted Fritz over the head with the other...

"You feeling alright?" David asked Fritz.

"Oh yeah...." Fritz replied. "Yeah....I feel just fine being tied to a chair there scrotum sack. How you feeling?"

Fritz looked at the smaller cobra..."Not poisonous?"

"Oh she is, trust me." David replied. "But she's been modified with split sacks, one where she produces the venom and the other loaded by us as we need."

Fritz snorted. "You still have nice manors for a tail hole hair clinging little pain in the rump."

David snatched a chair and sat before Fritz with the chair back on his chest..."I don't hate you Fritz and I really don't want to kill you. I was hoping you'd catch on and be understanding. I need you as an ally not an enemy."

Fritz snapped back. "Fluck you and fluck your bitch mother too."

David nodded. "I agree....not about me but my mother. She was a dumb bitch who got what she asked for. A dumb bitch who left a two year old cub to pursue an illusion of grandeur and deprived me of a childhood. Fluck that rat tailed cunt."

Fritz was surprised..."Almost convincing."

David back pawed Fritz off his snoot and stood with tears in his eyes..."Does THIS convince you ENOUGH?!"

"So....you not trying to follow your mother?" Fritz asked.

"I said.....fluck that damned cunt." David snorted. "No...I have no desire to be like her or try to create some sham of an empire or become public enemy number one." The cheetah turned and gestured to someone who came into the view from the shadows...

It was the District Attorney, Elwood Hopps. "Hello Inspector."

"No Fritz." David said as he stood crossing his arms. "I don't want what my mother tried to build, that got her killed. Same for Elwood, crime turned us into orphans. Our parents turned us into orphans. The damn syndicates have been filling the orphanages in Zootopia with the dispossessed children of innocent and guilty mammals for far too long. It's way over time to end the rinky dink, bull hockey puck fooling around and bring a lasting peace from crime to our city. The days of trying to prop up this illusion of false equilibrium is over. The age of the Lacostra Snarlostra is over."

Fritz looked at Elwood and frowned. "What about all that stuff you spouted in your office Mister District Attorney? About holding up a balance? That getting rid of organized crime completely is just an illusion? That if the syndicates were to vanish, things would get far worse? How can you believe that your words won't become a reality we all will wish wasn't true after the first street to street fighting over inches of empty turf? There's plenty of uncaring little snots who want to fill the void you jokers would create."

"Except my dear Inspector." Elwood snorted. "We have the enforcement tools in place to make sure that doesn't happen. Our attack on the Shrew's proves we'll have reach and if plan "A" doesn't work? There will always be a back up that will. We're going to string every damn polar bear up by his ankles and skin him alive and when we're done sending the Shrews and all their low level functionaries to the cooking pot? Every syndicate gangster and pussy ass "want to be" will have two clear choices....leave or burn in hell. And when we're finished? We will have an enforced peace and our cubs and kits can grow up for once not knowing what I and David suffered."

David stood with his arms crossed..."We will begin with the criminals the citizens know...so that our actions are understood and the Mammals will cheer for us and demand that Bogo and the rotten ZPD be reformed or removed for a more effective alternative. No one will dare so much as "J Walk" for fear of paying a hefty fine. Litter the streets? Park illegally? Rob a poor working stiff or rape a cub? You'll feel the wrath and you will guard your P's and Q's."

David put his paws out...."For sakes Hairy. You should understand most of all! The craven criminals don't fear you for nothing, I see your hate of these slime balls...I know you'd love to shoot every bastard into a ditch, well we need you! Our city needs you! Think of your kittens? What kind of city should Spike grow up in? Don't you want to see him come home from school every day? Take him to the parks without having to fear who's around? See your daughters grow up without having to fear some syndicate dirt bag might cop an eye on them? See reason Fritz!"

Fritz snorted back. "The words of a snotty little dictating muck-tard. A wet behind the ears snot nosed little bitch. I would have to worry about my son possibly breaking something by mistake and have a shit nosed little bastard like you sick one of those monsters on him or better yet? You putting a bullet through his skull because he snapped back at one of your enforcers for maybe a glimpse at "kink bunny" on his cell phone. You have no idea what you propose to unleash upon the citizens you misguided little prodigal snit stain. I'll give you one last warning...It's not too late to turn away from this blind zealous crap David? We can't turn Zootopia into a concentration camp where mammals walk in fear of what they might say or what they might do that might piss off your so called "Army of justice".

Fritz snarled...."If you don't turn around right now kid? I'm going to put my foot so far up your tail hole....they'll need an oversized shoe horn to pry it loose! Here's my answer David.....

"Fluck your blind idealism and fluck you!" Fritz spat snapped in David's face. "Surrender now!"

David wiped the spit from his face and sighed..."Damn it Fritz...you just had to be broken record son a bitch."

David aimed the magnum at Fritz's face....and pulled the trigger.

What David didn't know about Fritz, and what he never bothered to look at in all the time he spent with the tabby cat, was that Fritz was "polydactilated" or six paw fingered with an extra diget tucked between Fritz's thumb and index finger. It was Fritz's secret weapon; each extra claw had been manicured and sharpened to the tensile edge of a Samurai sword. David didn't bother to make sure the bindings were secure enough so Fritz couldn't bring the hidden dew claws into play. Now while David had been spouting his pile of bull manure......Fritz had weakened the bindings enough for what came next...

David pulled the trigger of the magnum, the hammer fell upon the shell casing in the revolver cylinder and out came.....

Confetti?

The momentary surprise worked in Fritz's favor! He leaped from the chair, punched David in the face, whipped out David's 45 pistol from his own shoulder holster, slammed three 45 caliber rounds down range into an eye and through the brain of the smaller cobra....killing her instantly!

Elwood Hopps tried to reach for his own hand gun only to get a flying 45 pistol hurled into his snoot where it broke his nose, busted some teeth and gave Fritz enough time to track, aim and shoot a pair of lethals into Elwood's chest, sending the rabbit flying off his feet and onto the floor!

The larger Cobra reared up and came flying towards Fritz for a killing strike only to catch David in it's jaws as Fritz snatched the Cheetah up and chucked him into the snakes open maw! The hesitation of the large serpent with its' benefactor laying in its' jaws was bad for the snake....good for Fritz. Three four four high velocity rounds tore the Cobra's head apart and it flopped to the floor in a bloody mess!

David however was still in the fight and now he was scrambling across the floor to snatch the pistol Elwood had dropped, only to come up face to face with Fritz's magnum pointed at his nose....

"Don't play me David....you may be a cheetah? But you're not fast enough against a bullet." Fritz snarled. "I hope you're not going to think I'm empty? Please tell me kid you're not going to be that stupid?"

David hesitated....before slacking and sitting back on his rump with a hate filled look on his face. "You're all scum Fritz. You, Bogo, the whole damn police force, the politicians....you're all cowardly scum. You all have innocent blood and crying children on your hands."

"Better than a dictatorship." Fritz replied. "You have noble goals David, just wrong execution. Maybe some day you'll understand."

Fritz turned his back to walk away and he heard David rustling as if going for another weapon...

"You really are a dumb bastard aren't you?" Fritz snarled as he whirled his magnum around and the weapon barked!

15 Minutes later...

Lieutenant Judy Hopps walked up to Fritz as he stood writing in his notebook so he would have the details to write in his follow up police report at the station...

"I've decided not report you." Judy said to Fritz regarding the incident where he insulted her. "You were right...Nick and I would probably have been killed if I decided to play cowboy back there."

"Told you I don't lose friends easy." Fritz replied. "It's nothing Judy, I still value you and Nick very much."

"Too bad about your partner." Judy gestured. "He just had to tempt you didn't he?"

"Misguided ventures often end poorly." Fritz said as he looked over to where Nick was trying to figure out how best to handle the crying, screaming cheetah who was nipping at his own fur coat like crazy.

"Those fleas can be really nasty Nick! I wouldn't go near him without some Advantage and a flea collar if I were you!" Fritz yelped.

Judy snickered at him. "Fritz? Has anyone told you that you are a super tremendous tail hole wipe?"

"Yeah.....my oldest daughter when I confiscate her cell phone and some times my wife when I don't change my son's diaper." Fritz smirked. "I refuse to do diapers."

Judy chuckled. "I thought that was why you got the nick name "Dirty Hairy"?

"I will not discuss that case...." Fritz snorted. "It's still classified."

The end