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Zootopia

DIRTY HAIRY By Dan 1966

Loosely based off of Clint Eastwood's Harry Callahan.

(c) Zootopia. 2016 Walt Disney Productions (c) Dirty Harry 1971 Malpaso Productions (c) Fritz the Cat 1970 Ralph Bakshe

All rights respected. Not for monetary gain and none expected. Fandom enjoyment only.

Rated R for violence, swearing, graphic depictions of death and sex.

Who's killing animals across the city of Zootopia, leaving many half eaten in their cars? To get down in the dirt, you need a cop who skirts the line between legality and criminal-ism. That's when you call in homicide inspector Fritz Catz aka "Dirty Hairy". He's Gentile and likable when he's in the Precinct house but a complete bastard out on the streets who packs a howitzer for a gun. When the offender has to be absolutely stopped overnight...Fritz is the cat for the job.

PART 5

11AM Day 2 Fritz and David drive towards Sahara Square

"I noticed Woundwart didn't bother telling us how we could find this "Khan" character." David said as he ran a brush through his thick yellow head tuft.

"Nope...." Fritz replied. "Normally rats don't rat on their fellow rats. Which means we have to stop and see a certain mammal I often use as a point of information. Come on David, don't you watch those cop shows like " One Mammals 12" or "Frosty Street Blues" or "Sahara Vice"?"

"I don't watch television all that much." David replied. "It's not productive to my life...except the news. You'd probably think it perverted that I so would nail Charlene Summertails to her anchor chair?"

"Just don't tell me you sit there and lick yourself then we've gone into the TMI zone from hell." Fritz replied. Just then the car phone chimed out...

"Pick up David. I can't do two things at once." Fritz said with a huff.

"Like pee on a door and pull your gun?" David snickered as he hit the call receive button on the console. "Homicide team in route, David Sweet speaking."

"Is Dirty there?" Came the reply.

"Hey Sammy." Fritz said to Agent Samaliel of the ZBI's criminal investigation and analysis laboratory. A little noise stopped the Arctic Fox from speaking further...

"PENT! I TOLD YOU TWICE NOW TO LEAVE THINGS IN HERE ALONE! I SWEAR I WILL RIP YOUR TAIL A NEW ONE NOW SIT DOWN AND BEHAVE YOURSELF! SHEESH....WHY CAN'T MOM AFFORD A BABY SITTER?"

David chuckled as Fritz shook his head..."Sam? Go easy on the kid? Remember, you're not immune from the mammal child protection act."

"No one said my brother's furry butt was protected from a gentle and persuasive spanking. I swear Dirty, the kid is way to bright for his own good. Anyway? Preliminary results are done for your case." Samaliel said.

"You're always the wonder worker my foxy friend. Hey...before you say anything? Has that Bronco tail grooming kit worked like I said?" Fritz asked.

"Are you kidding me?" Samaliel replied with a giggly buoyant sound. "Oh my gawd...are you kidding? I've been getting nothing but compliments about it for a week now! I actually don't mind the other foxes swooning over her, they pet her, they love on her, they beg me to find a kit...dude....it's buying me major "pop-you-lar" points all over the place and my mother? She doesn't hug me...she hugs my tail! Fritz? I am sooooo thankful for it....really...."

Fritz chuckled..."Well Sammy, don't start spraying all over the lab ok? It's just a great tail grooming kit, I know you foxes and vanity points. I'm glad you enjoy it and you've been helping me a bunch so....what's the results?"

Samaliel could be heard typing on his computer. "Well....initial results seem to show that your perp could be....reptilian."

David and Fritz gave each other cocked looks. "Rep....tillian?" Frita asked.

"That's what they say." Samaliel replied. "Now of course...."CRASH".....THAT DOES IT!"

Fritz and David heard Samaliel chasing his little brother through the lab, finally catching him and then the sound of the young fox crying and screaming how he would "tell mom" that his big brother had abused him, calling Samaliel all kinds of nasty words and then a door slammed hard...

"Sorry you had to hear all that." Samaliel returned. "He's getting more like I was when I turned 13...oh my Gawd...my mother labeled me worse than "Al Quail-dah" and "Bin-Lamb-don"

"It's ok...." Fritz replied. "I dread it when my oldest daughter becomes more independent and refuses to listen....ugh.....so about those results?"

"I'm testing them again to make sure they're accurate." Samaliel said. "But that's the initial results...use them as....hold on...."

This time Fritz and David heard a tear fest of apologies, "I love you" and the sounds of a small fox kit snuggling and loving up to the tail of his older brother. "All is right with the world now." Samaliel said. "I don't get angry to hurt you Pent....I do it because I love you a lot...now please behave in here ok?"

Fritz asked. "So when will you have harder results in Sammy?"

"About two days or less to have it hard wrapped." Samaliel replied.

"Alright." Fritz said. "We'll take the preliminary and proceed on that. The only question is? Reptilians usually keep to the Northwest region of the rain forest district and they keep to themselves so this is....somewhat....bizarre behavior by their standards."

"I know that." Samaliel replied. "You should have seen my fellows here at the lab when we first compared our results....complete "duh" faces."

"Well thanks against Sammy for the fast work. You're one in a million." Fritz clicked off the car phone and frowned his face. "Reptilian? There's so little evidence of a reptile to be found though? Doesn't make sense at all."

David crossed his arms and pursed his lips..."We're dealing with someone who is very skillful no doubt. Not your typical prostitute by any means."

Fritz huffed..."Can you see a Komodo Dragon in fish stickings and a purse?"

David snickered. "I can see Charlene Summertails in fish stockings spreading her hinds out over her chair arms?"

"David? I never imagine you would say such a thing?" Fritz said shocked.

"I'm a young cheetah...come on Fritz?" David said as he watched things go by the car as they drove into Sahara Square. "So who are we going to see?"

"A contact of mine named Minerva." Fritz replied. "And keep your claws to yourself there stud fluff."

"Why?" David asked.

1pm Day 2 217 Aloe Ave Sahara Square

When the door to the apartment opened...David looked like he'd gone to heaven, came back and had another stroke. Fritz was unmoved as the soft white fur'd, long blonde head tuft flowing female mink stood as natural as she could be...

Naked.

"Hello Manerva." Fritz said as he smirked at the gorgeous shaped long bodied naked mink. "Will you do us a favor and cover up please? My partner's gone comatose here."

Minerva tucked her long and fluffy tail between her legs to cover herself and her breasts....

"Minerva? How about clothes?" Fritz asked.

"Do I really need them?" She asked back. "Long time Fritz...and who is this charming Chee Chee with the gorgeous head tuft?"

"Don't even try it Minerva? Stop molesting my partner?" Fritz asked as he side elbowed David in the chest...

"Oh! Umm.....Inspector David Sweet...I wasn't ready for.....this." David said shaking his head as Minerva walked inside to put on a robe...

"You obviously never told your partner about me....have you?" She said as she walked to her kitchen to grab a bottle of water. "Are you two on duty or is this a sweet social call?"

David regarded Fritz with a snort. "You....don't?"

"You suggest that again and see if I don't swat you?" Fritz replied. "No...me and Minerva go back a while actually. Back to when I was just a beat cop and she was...well.....she had been a run-a-way then who fell into the hands of a vicious pimp. I was on patrol and heard her screaming in an alley. The bastard had beaten her up and was just about to pour Draino down her throat."

David looked at Minerva who showed off a still bare burn scar under her left arm where the bastard pimp had tortured her with a small clothing iron. "I'd be dead now had "Hairy" here not snapped the bastards neck like a twig. I never thought an ordinary cat could kill a pissed off honey badger."

Fritz took a water from Minerva..."She was so busted up. No place to go. Addicted to Night Howler. Took her in our house for a month which caused a ton of fire works. Had too because once you kill one Honey Badger, every bad tempered bastard badger within twenty miles would come to make a score and a name....plenty of them got that....on tomb stones. Minerva's lived here ever since...though? It's been rather "difficult" for me to influence her to stop her "professional" life."

Minerva smirked in reply. "I use what works to get by shug...after all? What skills do I have other than...good presentation?"

"You "could" go to school?" Fritz replied. "Better yet? The ZPD needs administration staffers, I've told you that before?"

Minerva threw a paw..."Me and desks don't cohabit Dirty. "So what brings you here anyway?"

David had finally gotten over the "curvature disease" and cleared his throat. "We're investigating this rash of murders of gang members by what we think could be a reptile of some sort and we need to see someone called "Khan" who might know who this could be. From the description of the guy, he sounds like a sort of pimp piece of shit."

Minerva frowned and walked up to David..."Allow me to educate your young partner Dirty? If you decide to call Khan a "Pimp piece of shit"? Some of his girl's may take deep offense to that and they won't care about your badge or gun when they cut your throat....Khan is by far no "piece of shit pimp." plenty of girls will attest to that....especially all the young kits he's saved from far worse."

"Then why isn't he more well known?" David asked. "Even Fritz didn't know anything about him?"

Because.....David.....Khan is not one to attract notoriety. He runs a very neat and well groomed escort service and it is just that, all of his "girls" are my age... middle aged sweety's who make more with their charming than with their slits. Khan knows almost every street mammal and every pimp in Zootopia and if you had that information? You'd stay as quiet as possible yourself...not that any low level pimp would want to take on a "King Tiger"...we're talking a Sumatran Whopper who can go from sophistication to meat eater like "snap". Only a few girls are entrusted with his exact location....which your's truly....is one of them."

Minerva got in David's face...."Now? Pretty Chee Chee? Turn your tail around and get out of my apartment."

David pursed his lips. "I don't have to....."

Fritz grabbed him by the shoulder..."Get going David. The only one who's going to get the info is me. And from here on to where we go? You're wearing a blind fold because if this "Khan" is like Minerva says he is? You'll be nothing but an after dinner mint in his eyes."

1:48pm Day 2 David blindfolded Sahara Square

"This is so B.S." David snorted. "Why do I have to be blind folded?"

"Because I'm driving." Fritz replied. "And because Minerva trusts me completely to treat this guy the way he should be if we want to get what we need. I told you before David, homicide sometimes requires us to walk in the shady side of legality. We have to trust each other completely as partners and that includes being able to act when it's not comfortable."

The car phone rang and fritz answered it. "Inspector 71 en route on investigation."

Benjamin Clawhauser replied. "Fritz? Two more cases for you. One has the same crazy "MOE" as the others and one is obviously a revenge hit. All I'll say is....it was a she and she....lawn mower...."

Fritz punched the steering wheel with a fist...."DAMN SON OF A BITCH WOUNDWART!" Fritz quickly pulled his car by the side of the road and pulled his own cell phone out..."That fat mother...."

"Some mammals are hard of hearing..." David said. "How did you know?"

"A favorite call card of the Playboys...." Fritz replied as his phone clicked...

"You've reached the Ten Pin Jacks..." A voice replied.

"This is Dirty Hairy...put Woundwart on right now cottontail cock breath before a whole crop of black and whites come crashing through your front door." Fritz said calmly.

"Why are you calling?" The voice asked.

"I think you know very damn well why I'm calling, now put that fat ass flab butt on the damn phone before I call a raid down on your asses!" Fritz snarled. "Now mother fucker!"

The phone went silent for a moment before another voice came on. "Inspector Catz....this is Campion. I suppose you're calling about the brutal murder of one female Honey Badger by a lawn mower?"

"You were warned you little weasel carrot chewing prick." Fritz snapped.

"It wasn't us Catz." Campion replied. "That wasn't us and I can vouch for all of us and my father will vouch....no reprisals were ordered just as you told us in fact? I bet the reason she got whacked is because she was a mole working for the polar Bears and Mister Big and she got what was coming to her and they knew she was a mole for some time so don't you blame us you sand box crap eating pussy bitch!"

Fritz smiled and chuckled a little...."You grew out of your dirty diapers really quick kid. Amazing."

"Oh fuck you Dirty." Campion snapped back. "I hope you find this sicko prostitute who's doing this whack job soon. My father will not hold his peace for very long when our wallet starts getting bit....trust me."

"Click"

Fritz sat pursing his lips a moment before he got back on the road to where he was going to meet "Khan" "How I hate fricken dead lines.?"

End of part 5