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Zootopia

DIRTY HAIRY

By Dan 1966

Loosely based off of Clint Eastwood's Harry Callahan.

(c) Zootopia. 2016 Walt Disney Productions

(c) Dirty Harry 1971 Malpaso Productions

(c) Fritz the Cat 1970 Ralph Bakshe

All rights respected. Not for monetary gain and none expected. Fandom enjoyment only.

Rated R for violence, swearing, graphic depictions of death and sex.

Who's killing animals across the city of Zootopia, leaving many half eaten in their cars? To get down in the dirt, you need a cop who skirts the line between legality and criminal-ism. That's when you call in homicide inspector Fritz Catz aka "Dirty Hairy". He's Gentile and likable when he's in the Precinct house but a complete bastard out on the streets who packs a howitzer for a gun. When the offender has to be absolutely stopped overnight...Fritz is the cat for the job.

PART 3

Chief Bogo's Office

8pm

Situation meeting with Chief Bogo. City counsel representative Urgo (Ram) and Secretary to the mayor Justin Nimh (Hero rat from Secret of Nimh)

Chief Bogo groaned as he looked at the city map with big pin markers at the murder sites, now grown to five pins since the first found that morning. Three were found in cars, One group in an apartment, the latest in what the ZPD nick named "A cooking store" the euphemism for a Night Howler liquid shooter producer; A "cook" (Sheep) and three Weasels of the "Three Roses Syndicate" in the downtown district were found sans top and bottom body parts. The "MO" was all the same...a sexual encounter turned a bloody mess involving low or mid level functionaries for various street gangs or members of Syndicates like the "Play Boy bunnies" or the "Winter Hill gang".

"Her honor asked me to sit on this meeting because....even for a Leopard... she finds her constitution a bit sub-par after reading the e-mail you sent her Chief." Justin said as he sat on the edge of Bogo's desk. "Talk about a butcher's fair."

Representative Urgo remarked. "Let's not avoid the obvious that no one would be particularly crying over spilled milk considering these "victims" were all sour and over their expiration dates to start with."

Bogo snorted. "Might I remind the esteemed representative that crime is crime and murder is murder no matter who's involved. You never know when our subject just might decide to switch appetites from a hoodlum to something closer to home say a little lamb on her way to school?"

"I was just stating a fact." Urgo replied. "I can understand her honor's concern that this could blossom into something more horrific. So what do we know so far from our homicide division?"

Fritz stood by David and cleared his throat after spraying it with a breath freshener mist..."Well our suspect..."

"Mammal of interest, Inspector." Justin said with a finger wave. "We do not have a charge yet."

Fritz gave the rat a regarded look of annoyance. "Our "Mammal of Interest" strikes the victim and victims at their most vulnerable, when their guard is down and they're occupied with raging hard ons."

"Inspector!" Justin yelped. "Would you please restrict the vulgarities? This is an official meeting?"

"Mister representative?" Fritz replied. "I didn't know it became taboo to speak on facts that are the basis of this case? The aforementioned mammals were engaged in acts of copulation when they were murdered. And it is "Murdered" not "killed" since they too weren't charged with any criminal behavior that we know of, other than entertaining a whore who "de-balled" several of these citizens of our fair city."

David was about to laugh his tail off and quickly excused himself to go outside. However the door didn't block out the obvious chuckling and wall smacking...

"Now if I may continue with our progress to this point in time?" Fritz asked calmly...though inside he wanted to wring the brown nosing staffer's neck. "We've turned all our DNA evidence over to Agent Samaliel at the ZBI (Zootopia Bureau of Investigation) crime lab since those mammals will give us a faster response time. What we do know of the "Mammal of interest" is that he or she is very fast, very limber and an expert killer. He or she might be getting around using the transit system as we have found no evidence of a vehicle powered or otherwise. We also know he or she is not a canid, a Lupid, a feline nor any animal who consumed the upper or lower or genitalia of some of the victims. We're waiting for the ZBI to send us back results from our samples."

Urgo raised a hand. "Do you have any tentative theories about these killings Inspector?"

"We have three theories we're pursuing at present." Fritz replied. "Theory one is that we're dealing with a strait up serial killer. Theory two is a contract killer working for one syndicate entity. Theory three is a contract killer working multiple syndicates and playing off them all for ever increasing self-benefits. All of these theories? They basically suck for our bottom line the longer the "Mammal of interest" walks."

Justin waved a paw..."What are your intentions to investigate and deal with this "Mammal of Interest"? The Mayor will want to know of course?"

"How we at the Department always do our job Mister Representative." Fritz replied. His sarcastic look hid how he wanted to punch the little bureaucrat in the snoot. Fritz knew well what was coming next...

"You mean "always" as in your own professional acumen Inspector?" Justin said with a look of disdain. "Her honor received a very disturbing report this morning from a group of concerned citizens."

"Just say "Cop Watch" mister representative so we have proper context here? You don't have to beat the bush with a limp noodle." Fritz gave a small snort.

The rat nodded. "Yes...."Cop Watch"...They received a phone call from the suspect you apprehended at the coffee and pastry establishment...

"YogiBoob" Mister representative? Have we now added our fear of saying things to established businesses as well?" Fritz snorted.

"Fritz?" Chief Bogo injected. Fritz quickly threw a paw up.

"Chief? The honorable representative of her honor has concerns? By all means address them Sir? What complaints has "Cop Watch" filed this time? That the poor weasel suffered undo trauma from peeing in his diaper?"

"How about pulling your over-sized artillery piece on a civilian?" Justin exclaimed.

"I did not "pull my gun" on Mister Yogi." Fritz replied calmly. "From the view of the suspect it looked like I did but Mister Yogi will testify that my gun was pointed well to the right of his head."

"You identified yourself as a hit man for the Polar Bear Mafia to the suspect, not a police officer." Justin snapped. "Are you aware Inspector that there is a regulation specifically stating that unless you are engaged in a sanctioned sting operation? You can not state your identity to suspects other than that of a police officer?"

Fritz gritted his teeth against wanting to kick the little rat to the moon. "Wow... tell me Sir? Is there a regulation against a suspect walking into a coffee shop assumed to be a customer only to identify himself within a split second as a dumb ass trying to rob same establishment?"

"You threatened to blow the suspect's brains all over a wall. Your actions placed the proprietor, his employee and others in grave danger..." Justin snapped.

Fritz could have jumped up and chucked the rat out the window except this wasn't the first time he got an ass chewing from some mammal who probably had three college degrees in "home ee-coe", "basket weaving" and "safe space creation". He allowed Justin to finish his chalk board scraping annoyances and then stood up....

"Chief Bogo? Excuse me." Fritz said with a slight bow to the Chief before turning to the rat and putting his paws calmly into his pockets. "Sigh....now...I know I will probably be accused of using a movie reference and I'm sorry ahead of time to Jack Nickle-sloth and the fine Mammals who created "A few Good Shrews" but to phrase Colonel Nathan R Jes-pup..."

"Mister Representative? Have you ever carried a gun?" Fritz asked calmly.

"No I have not." Justin replied.

"Ever had to kick down a door to make an arrest?" Fritz asked calmly.

"No." Justin replied.

"I see...." Fritz replied. "Have you ever had to deal with a little weasel dick stupid tail hole wipe who walked into a business with intent to rob it with a little pop gun that wouldn't have done much more than pissed off a Grizzly bear ten times the size of aforementioned little dick face?"

"Inspector?" Justin warned.

"Shut up paper pusher. I'm not finished." Fritz snapped with a finger raised.

"So our aforementioned idiot decides he's going to take on mister Yogi thinking he's got the upper hand with his little pea shooter of an artificial penis. At best he gets off one maybe two shots before Yogi bounds the counter and brings down the wrath of his half a ton worth of teeth and claws and rips the poor sap to shreds. But then there's the more likely option that Mister Yogi...who's been robbed many times before in the past...pulls out his 9 millimeter licensed pistol and empties all ten rounds because he's full of bear piss and rage. Now lets say out of the whole clip he just wasted, seven rounds pass by mister stupid punk and go through the big store window? Maybe they don't hit anything? Maybe by dumb luck they hit the school bus stop across the street? Maybe they kill one two or three cubs and kits? Then what do you have for all your whining and bitching there mister butt hurt snow flake?" Fritz snapped. "I'll tell you what? You have dead cubs and kits, a dead scumbag and Mister Yogi facing three counts of homicide."

Justin went silent.....

"Yeah...you politicians can sit all day in your offices and conjure up stupid crap to tie my fricken paws and give every advantage you can to some dumb tail hole who saw no better options in his life except a gun and measly store heist. Well let me tell you something mister butt hurt college rodent from posh Rodentio Drive in Rodentia. If any trick I use gets a little dumb asses attention on me that it might save both his life and the lives of innocent bystanders....you're damn right I'll use it because Mister pencil pusher? It's my damn skin that will take the first bullet and my damn responsibility. So do us all a favor you stupid fuck nut? Take my damn badge and pin it on your trophy wall so I don't have to bother with you or your fantasy of a squeaky clean city because when I'm gone? You won't have squeaky clean....you'll have a pile of rancid rat turd and a lot more dead mammals to peal off the pavement."

Fritz slapped his badge on the desk before Justin. "Here....you wear it you pussy ass butt hurt political snow flake.......FUCK YOU!"

Fritz turned to walk out the door....

"Inspector Catz?" Justin sounded as Fritz placed his paw on the door knob. "Perhaps.....Perhaps I.....spoke too much before choosing better words? I was merely trying to convey the Mayor's concern that....well.....allow me to clarify that...you express a point from a view which, as you are correct in pointing out, the staff at City Hall don't see often enough. Perhaps we should push for our members to do "ride a longs" and spend more time with our officers in mammal to mammal contact than looking at papers and not taking due time to examine every complaint with more...."

Fritz turned around...."Sigh....Mister representative? I have been a cop now for almost twenty years and frankly? You people in the hall have been way overdue for any sort of ride. We on the force know there will always be mammals that don't like us, it's nothing new but please in all fairness? Stop stabbing our backs to make yourselves look good with some crybaby voter block or you might not have a police force. Chief Bogo here is the finest lead cop you'll ever have and if former mayor Lionheart had put his faith in him instead of trying to hide a threat to the city from him? He'd still be mayor. Don't let "her honor" make the same stupid mistake. Help us do our job, not hinder it."

Fritz took his badge back. "Sorry for being curse and blunt. I'm an old pussy and I don't mellow with age."

Justin and Urgo left without another word and Chief Bogo slowly closed his door....which was the usual sign that an explosive ass chewing was about to commence....

"Do.....do I need to leave?" David asked the Chief as the big Cape Buffalo walked to his desk.

"No...I need a witness to the execution." Chief Bogo said as he sat down and looked up at the ceiling.... "Right now? I don't know if I should kiss you or... gore you to death for that performance Catz.

Fritz dropped his pants and patted his behind. "Ramn it well Chief."

"PULL YOUR PANTS UP YOU SICK FELINE!" Bogo yelled. "MY...... ugh....why is it that every time we have one of these little sessions with the hall? You have to go off with a crazy performance which by midnight tonight I will most certainly have to suffer through the screeching sound of her honor as she sinks her teeth into my hide? Why Fritz?"

"Because Chief?" Fritz replied. "I am the chaff who keeps you looking stellar and the ZPD the model of efficiency and professionalism. Call me a comparison stick the good mammals of our fair city drift towards when they need to see a villain to make a comparison with? Chief Bogo....ever shinning like a brand new Penny. Inspector "Dirty Hairy" Catz....bonfire bait, renegade, out of control scum. Compared to our wonderful ZPD? Fritz Catz is the devil incarnate. The ZPD should be showered in gifts and praise from the good mammals everywhere but that Inspector Catz? No....Lynching is just to kind for that feline bastard."

Chief Bogo lowered his face into his hand and winced...."Fritz?"

"Yes Chief?" Fritz replied smiling.

"Just promise me you won't blow up the city and steal the mayors panties off her drying line? And please? What ever you do? Keep it within the boundaries of the law so we don't lose evidence because of legal ninjutsu by a defense attorney? At least give me that little bit of assurance Fritz?"

"I can assure you that you won't see gangs shooting up our streets...that I think is a more important goal to aspire to....don't you agree chief?" Fritz said as he bumped David and they walked towards the office door. "And yes...You have nothing to worry about keeping within the legal boundaries...or sending a cop to guard "Her honor's" giant bloomers. You need to take that aspirin now Chief before your brain explodes out your horned head." Fritz waved before he walked out closing the door. "Just know I love you Chief?"

"The feeling is not mutual right now." Chief Bogo replied. "Then again with you? I don't care."

David stood blowing air as Fritz turned from the office door. "That was..."

"Yeah....I know." Fritz replied. "Well since we have some time off right now? How do you feel about a small glass of beer?"

David replied. "That sounds good after what just happened. I suspect we're going to need an early start tomorrow?" David asked.

"If you feel compelled to stay close to headquarters depending on your distance? You can come home and crash at my house? I do have a furnished guest room?" Fritz offered.

"That sounds good to me." David replied.

9:40pm

Jah Dah's Bar n Grill

Downtown

A slow song played from the old coin juke box of the small hole in the wall bar as fritz and David sat sipping from small glasses of "Feather Buzz" Beer and eating from a plate of "Frisky Fries"...

"What did the chief mean by losing a case thanks to a skilled defense attorney?" David asked. "Did that happen?"

Fritz wasn't slow in answering "Yes it did. I almost lost my job over it too." Fritz swished the beer in his glass..."I beat the snot out of a suspect. Ever heard of the Acacia Street Peddler?"

"No." David replied. "You're going to tell me he was a total scumbag."

"She..." Fritz replied. "She was a total scumbag."

Fritz sat back in his seat...."Cruel Lella the Hyena. She dabbled in vixen trading...young vixens. A friend of mine from the Burrough's named Br'er called me some time back that his daughter ran off for the city and he begged me to find her. Cruel Lella found her first."

"We busted her of course and in the process of going through her belongings we found photo albums....disgusting photo albums of Vixens being used and abused. Br'er's daughter was in one of the albums. I lost my mind and beat the snot out of that bitch to find out where Br'er's daughter was but...too late for her."

"Cruel Lella walked...I almost lost my job....Br'er buried his daughter." Fritz reached for the plate of food and nibbled silently as David blew from his mouth...

"So what ever happened to Cruel Lella?" David asked.

"The bitch fell of a building during a pursuit." Fritz replied.

"You didn't?" David asked.

"No." Fritz replied. "She fell off a building. She ran into Little Rodetia, tried to jump a block of buildings, got her foot caught on a clothes line on the roof of a rodent thirty story, flopped over and "snap".....broke her neck. The description was fricken hilarious. A little twisted form of justice but Darwin sometimes works in mysterious ways." Fritz look at his watch. "It's getting late and we're only going be able to snag a cat nap before we have to hit the street again. Our "Mammal of Interest."...

"Suspect." David replied.

"Mammal of Interest." Fritz sarcastically replied. "Our......lady or gentleman caller of crime has about seven hours of darkness to add to their score so we need to get cracking before dawn to shake down a cause. You and I are going to pay the Playboys a visit." Fritz said as he threw down a few Zootopian silver dollars on the table.

End of part 3