FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

"...sir, as I've explained-"

"Stop talking to me like I'm a child!"

The sales rep had to suppress her sigh - holding a hand over her headset mic to ensure the customer didn't hear - but she did roll her eyes as widely as possible. Well, stop acting like one, then. "Sir, refunds are only permitted in cases where-"

"No! No! I don't care! This thing is broken and I want a refund!"

The red panda wanted to reach through the call and throttle the client. "Sir, can you recap why you believe the item is broken?"

The person on the other end took a deep breath. "I bought a blender from you. I was told it could blend anything. I placed some yoghurt, some muesli, and three gumballs into it. As soon as I pressed the power button, it exploded! The blades broke off and shattered the container! You said it could blend anything!"

The panda took a moment to compose herself, and glanced at the timer. Twenty seven minutes. If she didn't get this idiot off the line in the next three minutes, she'd get a citation for taking too long to close the call. "Sir, that guarantee is under the condition of reasonableness, and-"

"Gumballs are food! It's unreasonable to expect them NOT to blend!" They had been circling this argument for twenty minutes, in various forms. The panda could not issue a refund, clearly. But the client would not accept that. When she said she would have to end the call, he threatened to sue. He probably couldn't, but all threats of legal action had to be handled in the call, or else - of course - it went on her record. And so it had dragged on.

There was one option left, but the panda was not authorised to use it herself. The client had to ask for it. She hoped he was getting close to frustrated enough to do it soon. Perhaps she could help it along...

"Sir," she said, voice extra-sweet again, "I've just had our service department test one of the devices here with a gumball, and it worked perfectly fine! Are you certain you inserted the gumballs correctly?" The furious splutter she heard would have been victory enough, in truth.

"Are you saying I'm too incompetent to put gumballs into a blender? That's it." A pregnant pause, and she mentally egged the client on. Say it, say it...

"I'd like to speak to your manager."

Twenty nine minutes. She hit the timer triumphantly - the call was out of her jurisdiction now - and said, "Of course, sir. May I ask, did you read our refund policy in depth when you purchased from us?" She clicked the big, red button she'd been desperately hoping to click for fifteen minutes, and gave a mental sigh of relief.

A moment of hesitation on the other end was filled by a snort of derision. "I don't care what your policy says! I deserve a refund and you know it!"

"Absolutely, sir," she said, trying to avoid letting her wide smile get in the way of the words. "I am sure you're completely aware of what the refund policy is. My manager will be there momentarily."

The pause on the other end was longer this time. "...be where?" In the background, the faint sound of a doorbell sounded, and the headset made static, shuffling noises. "Hang on, someone's at the door..."

The sales representative ended the call, chuckling a little to herself, and opened the next call. "Ramses Appliances, how may I assist you?"

---

The stallion grumbled all the way to the door, still furious at the useless support hotline, and now transferring that rage to whomever was at the door. He flung the door open angrily.

"Yes?"

A large ram stood just before the lintel, exceedingly close to the door. The stallion took a step back, blinking. The goat must have been a tad under six feet, already a little imposing, but dressed in a formal suit and trousers, his hands held neatly behind his back, the effect was much more intense. The ram's perfectly black horns contrasted against snow-white fur, curling backwards over his head, and around again in a near full circle, the sharp points angled ever so slightly up. A hairless face of a slightly lighter grey shade - decorated only with a beard on the chin - sat between them, and a pince-nez rested on top of a broad caprine nose. Two ears flexed out at right angles on either side of the face, and his eyes were a calm green. A bizarre effect, all told. The horse looked the stranger up and down, confused.

"Can I...help you?"

The ram smiled, flashing perfect white teeth that filled his mouth. "Au contraire, sir! I am here to help you. I am with Ramses Appliances." He inclined his head very slightly. "I am the 'ram', as it were. I am here to assist with your return."

The horse looked back at the phone, still off the hook. "Well...damn. How did you get here so fast...?" The stallion turned back as he spoke, and gasped, stumbling backwards into his living room. The ram's eyes had gone red, and the merest hint of smoke oozed from the outer corners, as if they were smouldering coals. He stepped over the lintel, approaching the stallion with a casual but steady pace, and chuckled.

"Oh, well, you know us rams, sir. Always something a little...different about us, isn't there?" His eyes changed colour at different, their red glow inflaming as if lit from within, and one hand came around to let him regard his nails. As dark as his horns, and slightly pointed, like shark's teeth. "I believe you are interested in making use of our refund policy?"

"Uh...yeah. Listen, can I see some kind of ident-" The horse was cut off by the demon goat reaching a hand forward lazily, as if holding forth a royal proclamation; a document materialised in it from smoke and ashes, and the goat yawned.

"I believe you'll find it all in order." The goat placed it on a nearby table, and continued walking towards the horse. The stallion had kept backing away, although whether or not he was aware he was doing it was up for debate. His eyes had dropped to the goat's crotch. With every step the demon took, things shifted about; two large orbs jostled for position on either side of something thicker, each taking their turn to be pressed against the pants as the alternate leg moved forward. The definition was clear through the fabric, and it was painfully obvious the demon was not wearing any underwear.

The ram's hooves clicked along the floor, as neat as their owner. "Sir, as I'm sure you're aware, at Ramses Appliances, we have a unique returns policy. We will accept any item back, in any condition...if the investigating officer is satisfied that all is in order." A finger pointed lazily at himself. "That is moi, and I look forward to establishing whether all is in order with you. Right now."

The stallion could only goggle as the ram reached down to unzip himself, tugging out a fulsome sheath and two hairy balls, covered in the same white fur as the rest of him. From the opening of the sheath, another spot of red could just be seen: a much richer crimson than the demon's glowing eyes. The ram bleated in satisfaction, shaking his head and making his ears flop back and forth.

"After all, here at Ramses Appliances, we are all about the...personal touch."

With another flick of his finger, the stallion's clothes evaporated.