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So You've Just Become a Werewolf

By CalexTheNeko

If you're reading this guide it can mean only one thing. You've started off on a brand new and adventurous part of your life! That's right! You've contracted lycanthropy! And with that, we offer our congratulations, or deepest sympathies! Whichever would be more appropriate based on your local customs and personal worldview. So well done on you chap or there there!

Now some of you may be asking what is lycanthropy? And for that there's a little bit of a debate. Some could classify it as a curse, others a disease. It's more of a combination of the two! But the important thing is you're a werewolf now. And that's something you're going to have to learn to work with on every full moon going forward! But have no fears! From prowling on all fours to howling at the moon, our step by step guide will teach you everything you need to know about being a werewolf!

But first let's go over how this actually happened. As we mentioned lycanthropy is something between a disease and a curse, and there are a number of ways that you can contract it. One of the most basic is of course if you have been bitten or scratched by another werewolf. Such wounds are easily identifiable by the strange scars they leave which never fade right up until your first transformation. Side effects of those who have recently been bitten include a ravenous appetite, hair growth in unsightly places, an irrational hatred of mailmen, and a very strong sense of pride anytime anyone implies that you are in fact a good boy. Please note that a foaming mouth is in fact not a side effect of lycanthropy. If your mouth has begun to foam please consult our alternative pamphlet, 'So You're About to Die From Rabies.' Our highly paid professional lawyers also wish us to advise you to seek medical attention anyway before buying the pamphlet. Not that we would personally object if you bought the pamphlet first.

Aside from bites or scratches there are a few other ways lycanthropy can be contracted. The second most common involves curses placed on you by witches or warlocks. Please note if your curse was placed on you by a union witch you'll receive a gift basket upon your first transformation -- a lovely collection of cheeses, wine and a new fur brush. Remember, only buy your spells and hexes from official union witches. Otherwise you don't know what you'll get. Other ways to be infected with lycanthropy include but are not limited to, wearing a wolf hide, enchanted belts, contracts with the devil, and of course tender moments with loved ones who happen to be infected. That's right, your health teacher was right. Holding hands does lead to lycanthropy.

Now that you should be able to devise how this happened, let's go through what to do from here. As mentioned, if you have a bite it will not heal at this time and instead leave a horrendous scar. Don't worry about it. This is perfectly harmless. In less civilized times this scar was mostly used to allow society to ostracize you on sight. In these modern days that has likely already happened without the need for a pretense!

With this in mind what you need to do is set about preparing yourself for your first transformation. First things first, invest in a lunar calendar. In this day and age there's no reason to ever be caught off guard by a full moon. Plan ahead! Some companies will even allow you to take sick time, though you must proof that turning into a hulking wolf monster would prevent you from completing your job without a reasonable accommodation. For best results, schedule your meeting with Human Resources during a full moon.

Before your first night, you'll want to make sure you have certain supplies ready. First, you're going to want to ensure you have plenty of food and water. Upon transforming you'll find you can and will eat several more pounds of food, specifically meat. Meet your local butcher and get to know then. Often times after explaining your situation they'll be willing to give you a discount on bulk purchases for these nights. After all... You're going to be putting most of their kids through school going forward.

As a general rule you're going to want at least one pound of meat for every ten pounds you weigh as a werewolf. As you won't know your exact weight when transformed yet you'll have to do a little bit of guessing here. There are a number of different breeds of werewolves, but typically you can expect to be about 150% heavier than your base weight. So if you are a 200 pound adult male you can expect to weigh 500 pounds as a werewolf. Don't feel bad about this! It's all muscle! This means you'll want to purchase at least 50 pounds of meat to keep yourself satiated.

Likewise you'll want to make sure you have plenty of water. Keep in mind, fur is hot and no one wants to see you panting and drooling. Eight ounces might be enough for a human, but you'll likely want to ensure you have at least 20 ounces of fresh water available to help you build dehydration. We strongly recommend against using other beverages; there is only one thing worse than a drunk werewolf, and that's a werewolf on a caffeine rush.

Now that we've gotten the basics or survival, next we're going to want to cover identification items. You don't want to be mistaken for a rogue wolf and hunted down by an angry mob. It's important that you are able to clearly identify yourself as a friendly civil werewolf. But there are a few things to remember here.

Your wallet and photographic ID will not work here. Aside from the fact that as a wolf you won't match your picture, there's also the simple fact you're not going to have any pockets. Despite what modern fiction may tell you, your pants will not magically stretch out, rip only slightly, and cling tenaciously to your frame in an aesthetically pleasing manner. Fabric rips, and any clothing that you are wearing upon your transformation will be destroyed. For that reason it is usually recommended that you strip before moonrise. Since this is your first time you may find that uncomfortable, and our second recommendation would be to wear older clothing that you won't care about destroying.

Instead what you're going to want to do is to get yourself a custom fitted collar that you can easily hang an identifying tag from. Please note, do not buy a dog collar. These will not be large enough and risk strangulation. You're going to need a collar that is large enough to fit you as are you are now with plenty of slack so it will not constrict when you transform. Luckily there are a number of websites you can purchase such things from! And many of them offer in a variety of styles. If you have time to wait on shipping you can even get a custom made tag with your name and colorful artwork.

Of course depending on when you contracted lycanthropy this may not be an option. If you were unfortunate enough to get bitten or cursed right before a full moon time may be an extremely limited option for you. In these circumstances you don't have the luxury to order a custom collar online. In this case you make want to look into making a makeshift one out of common materials at home. Rope, a belt, a length of cord or even yarn can all be used to make a quick necklace as needed! Then on a large postcard, write your name and a friendly message informing people that you are a polite civilized werewolf. Use large letters; no one will want to get close enough to read fine print! Make sure that the postcard is secure so that it will not easily rip off when you run off in the middle of the night.

Remember, many werewolves are unable to talk once they're transformed. The purpose of a tag is to give you a visual item you can clearly point to in order identify yourself.

And with that you'll have all the supplies you need! The only thing left to do before your transformation is decide if you want to go through the transformation on your own or have company with you!

Of course if you do have someone along for the ride, them being a werewolf already is always helpful. Then they can help you through the ropes and getting over a few urges. But if you're reading this pamphlet there's a high chance you don't have that option! So let's discuss human companions during your transformation.

First off. Be safe. Go over how this works. They should understand the risk that if you accidentally bite or scratch them they may be going through this next month. Going over this now will make them think twice about hitting you with a rolled up newspaper when you chew up their favorite pair of shoes.

Second, establish some ground rules. Trust us on this one. It's a lot better to have the conversation up front about if they're allowed to 'take you for walkies' on a leash, feed you treats, or try to make you do tricks. It might be an awkward conversation to have, but you'll be surprised how less awkward things will be after the change.

Assuming you have a friend that you can tolerate who is aware of the risk this usually makes the night easier. After all, they'll be able to talk when you can't. And if you arm them with a spray bottle they may help you curb any animalistic urges that might get you in trouble once the transformation reverts. Just again, remember they're aware of the risks of upsetting you too much.

In the event you do not have a companion then remember your identification becomes even more important. You may wish to even wear a second collar in case your first one somehow gets caught on a tree branch while you're chasing a squirrel who really is the one who started it and really has it coming and come on he was just sitting there mocking you like heck are you going to take that laying down!? It's an extremely common occurrence. Remember: Squirrels will not play fair. They do not have to go in to work the next day when this is over. You do.

If on your own you'll likely want to find a secluded place to spend the night. Do not lock yourself in your home! This almost never works. Werewolves tend to like having a lot of space to run around. If you lock yourself up there's a high chance you'll wake up the next morning to find a wolf-shaped hole in your wall. Landlords are less than understanding about this.

If your town has a campground, these can make excellent locations to stay. Just make sure you inform the local ranger station of your incident and try to pick a lot as far away from other campers as possible. Avoid any camp sites currently being visited by youth groups. You may think you have self control... But once you catch the scent of freshly toasted s'mores, no force on Earth will stop you.

If you live in a highly urban area it may not be possible to locate a campground or even a park or forest to spend the night in. The best solution would be to take a trip out of the city but we understand that is not always economically feasible. Luckily, many of these cities have warehouse districts that have ample room to run around in. It won't be the most comfortable night, but it should at least be enough to keep you from being stir crazy. And don't worry about being booted. No one is going to tell the 500 pounds of pure muscle and fangs that they have to leave.

Now then if you've followed our advice so far you're all set up to go for your first transformation! You should turn into a huge monstrous wolf the second the full moon comes up! If everything was set up properly you shouldn't have any problems! But we do not live in a perfect world. Sometimes mistakes are made or situations arise you simply could not prepare for. So here are a few tips for the most common problems that arise on a full moon.

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Out of Food

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The most common problem werewolves encounter is underestimating how much food they'll need for their first transformation. Upon this happening, do not panic! You have options! First off... Let us say up front! We do not endorse attacking local livestock. No it doesn't matter how weird it is you have an old 1600s farmer living in your town! And no, no matter how much of a jerk he is and no matter how much he has it coming it does not make it okay! Do not attack the local livestock. Instead try some of these alternative options we've had suggested by previous werewolves who've run into this problem.

-Fast Food Dollar Menu can get you a lot of food very quickly.

-All you can eat buffets are a great place to spend the entire night

-Find any party. They'll have pizza, and they'll be too drunk to notice you don't belong.

-Those darn squirrels really do have it coming.

No Identification

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The next most common problem is you don't have a way to identify yourself. Rather you simply forgot to wear a collar or somehow lost it in a squirrel chasing incident, it's gone. Now anyone who sees you has no idea if you're friendly or a wild animal. In this type of situation it's very important not to panic. Appearing agitated will make people more alarmed! Instead try to look as friendly as possible! Body language is everything! Here are a few tips from our werewolf pros!

-Wag your tail. Everyone knows that means you're happy.

-Try letting your tongue hang out of your mouth like a doofus.

-Perch on all fours with your hind side higher than your front.

-Roll onto your back and invite people to give you a belly rub.

-Puppy dog eyes can work wonders.

I Bit Someone

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This is often the worst fear of many people's first time transforming. It can be difficult to keep your animal instincts in check, especially when inexperienced. Accidents happen, and we can't promise that you won't make this mistake. Once this happens it's important you take responsibility for your mistake. Remember, the person you bit is just as scared as you are and going to go through the same changes! Luckily, we again have a few tips from our own in house werewolves!

-Buy them their own copy of this pamphlet as a show of good faith.

-Offer to let them bite you back so it's fair.

-Fold back your ears, whine, and act like you really didn't mean it.

-Give them woofy kisses to make them feel better.

-Insist that it was the squirrel who did it. You saw them! You were only trying to scare the squirrel off! You saved their life!

Public Indecency Charges

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This is one of the most common pitfalls almost all new werewolves fall into. While most of polite society is okay with you running around in your bare fur in wolf form they may take exception upon you changing back. When the full moon sets or goes behind a cloud and you suddenly find yourself a naked human in public it can be awkward to say the least. What's worse, this can sometimes result in criminal charges despite you not having actually done anything wrong other than been the victim of some unfortunate weather patterns. Again our own werewolves have some tips on how to handle this.

-Find small shrubberies or walls to stand behind.

-Stay calm and explain the situation.

-Insist that you thought you were wearing the most amazing robe.

-Loudly ask why they're not naked in an indigent tone.

-Pretend that you are a mime. No one wants to approach a mime.

-Blame it on a small orange kitten. (Oddly this works 90% of the time)

And with that we've covered all of our most common pitfalls! Now you're ready for the real world and your first transformation! Remember this may seem scary and intimidating, but a lot of wonderful new experiences await you in your future! Like your first awoo at the moon! Not needing a coat on a winter night! Being able to achieve the body of an Olympic athlete with no exercise and any diet! Finally getting back at that darn squirrel who just doesn't learn! And possibly even learning to control your transformations so you can change at will and not just on full moons!

A whole wild world is just waiting for you to discover it! Every full moon will bring new discoveries, new scents, new places! But before we close we'll give you one last piece of advice.

Remember, werewolves are pack animals. Most likely no matter how well you have your transformations under control you'll be lonely if you're the only wolf around. Check online for local meet-ups for werewolf packs in your area that you want to belong to! And if there isn't any consider forming your own! Our social outreach program is always happy to provide new werewolves with resources to help them connect with other werewolves and develop their community! And we also offer discounts on our pamphlets when purchased in bulk! And we have no ulterior motive for providing that piece of information! We just thought it was an interesting fact you'd like to know. Just in case you ever needed several copies. For completely innocent reasons.

We know this journey into becoming a werewolf can be imposing! And we're happy that you decided to take it with us today! So thank you for letting us into your happy furry little life! And enjoy your next full moon! You only get one a month!