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Zootopia

DIRTY HAIRY By Dan 1966

Loosely based off of Clint Eastwood's Harry Callahan.

(c) Zootopia. 2016 Walt Disney Productions (c) Dirty Harry 1971 Malpaso Productions (c) Fritz the Cat 1970 Ralph Bakshe

All rights respected. Not for monetary gain and none expected. Fandom enjoyment only.

Rated R for violence, swearing, graphic depictions of death and sex.

Who's killing animals across the city of Zootopia, leaving many half eaten in their cars? To get down in the dirt, you need a cop who skirts the line between legality and criminal-ism. That's when you call in homicide inspector Fritz Catz aka "Dirty Hairy". He's Gentile and likable when he's in the Precinct house but a complete bastard out on the streets who packs a howitzer for a gun. When the offender has to be absolutely stopped overnight...Fritz is the cat for the job.

PART 1

Riverside Savanna Central 4am

Fritz came into the kitchen and stopped in the midst of looking through the fridge to find the coffee already made and his Middle School daughter sitting at the kitchen table...in only her panties....texting away on her cell phone.

"Hey?" Fritz said as he grabbed a traveling coffee cup from the cupboard. "Two things? First. A bath robe. Second? I hope for your sake that you are talking about school work on that phone?"

Nelly Catz, one of Fritz's three kittens, looked at her father as if clothes didn't matter. "First? You and mom set the example. Second? Yes...I am talking about school Daddy..."

Fritz walked up and snatched the phone from his daughter's paws..."Hey! Privacy!" Nelly yelped. "Daddy give it back!"

Fritz looked at the texts and smiled. "Well....most of it is school. I am pleasantly surprised." Fritz gave Nelly back her phone and pointed to the stairs. "Now? Get back up stairs and put a robe on please?" He then softly scratched her snoot. "And thank you for making coffee. You're such a doll."

Nelly giggled lightly..."Our swim meet is on Saturday? Can you leave work to just be there a little bit?"

Fritz smiled..."A little bit? Do you hate me that much?"

Nelly kissed her father on the nose. "No I don't. You have a good day at work and be safe ok?"

"I always do my best." Fritz replied as he poured his coffee into the travel cup. "Now go get a robe on before your mother comes down and throws a super fit?"

As Nelly ran to the stairs, Fritz walked to the door of his study and typed in his password to unlock the combo lock. He entered the room, went to a wall and pulled the pistol holster from the wall hook then unlocked the gun safe door and pulled out his revolver, two six round speed loaders and a box of bullets. He then turned around and almost tripped over his toddler son who stood cuddling his polar bear stuffee...

"Good morning Spike." Fritz said as he picked up the diapered kitten and bounced him in his arms. "You never seem to sleep in late do you? Why don't you cuddle with mommy because Daddy has to go to work."

Fritz kissed and nuzzled his son then walked up to Nelly. "Put him with your Mother?" Fritz asked as he handed the giggling kitten to his daughter. "I'll be home by four."

"Ok." Nelly replied as she carried her baby brother up the stairs. Fritz took a moment to stand at the front door and go through the same sort of "lucky ritual" he did every day since he took a badge...

Close the eyes, deep breath, patter the foot a few times, tap the door post and say...."My life is wonderful. Keep me and my family safe?" then Fritz walked to his car and blasted "Welcome to the Jungle" by "Chums and Blowholes" as he started driving. For sure...his choice of music would gravely offend his oldest daughter's "geo-political-feminine-safe space-sensitivities" she absolutely did not understand the male need for gut disturbing, heart attack causing scream music.

But before getting to the precinct...Fritz had to stop at the morning water hole called "YOGA-BOOB's" and no....the name had nothing to do with Tantrantic karma - mammalian sex acts involving big breasted Wilder beasts.

5:30am YOGA-BOOB's Coffee and Pastries

Fritz walked through the door and up to the service counter of the small coffee and pastry shop where a big brown bear was just placing fresh doughnuts in the front glass display case...

(Cameo) Yogi and Boo Boo Bear.

"Good morning Yogi." Fritz said as he looked at the service menu.

"Hey hey....Morning Mister officer of the law...what's your pleasure?" Yogi said as he tucked his cleaning cloth into his apron pocket.

"The number three combo.....and a Frisky Danish." Fritz said as he pulled out his smart phone to scroll through the morning news.

"Right oh. Hey Boob? One Frisky Misky and a number three." Yogi said as he wiggled his fingers at Boo Boo.

"Got it Yogi." Boo Boo answered back.

Fritz looked at Boo Boo then at Yogi. "Yogi? Is Boo Boo your cub?"

"Nah....he was an orphan....you know? A street urchin without a family. Don't worry Fritz, it's all made legal, legal. Teaching him the trade. I pay him good. Don't I pay you good Boo Boo?"

Boo Boo replied. " When he's not whipping me to row faster during lunch hour, "Jah Mule! Jah!"

Fritz looked back down at his phone and didn't mind the weasel that came through the door until he was right up at the service counter and whipped a hand gun from his jacket pocket....

"Hey! You? Bear with the stupid mug! Don't move a paw...this is a stick up!" The weasel snapped as he looked around and regarded Fritz! "You behave too there kitty cat!" Then he turned back to Yogi. "Empty the cash register bear! Now you dumb clucker or I'll scatter your big brains all over the place! NOW!"

"What do you think your doing stupid?" Fritz asked the weasel with a sarcastic sounding, quickly thrown together Italian draw.

"What does it look like I'm doing you stupid pussy?" The weasel snarled.

"I dunno....but you're the one who's two shades short of being mentally retarded here...to say nothing of trying compensate for your extreme lack of a sex organ."

Quickly....Fritz reached under his coat and pulled out a menacing long barreled revolver that looked more like a tank gun than a hand gun and pointed it right at Yogi's head....at least that was from the weasel's point of view. The revolver was actually pointed off away from Yogi.

"How dare you bring that piddley piece of scat you call a freekin gun into a place that owes protection money to the Polar Bear mafia and you just happened to come rob the joint when I came to collect our dues...you spindly, ugly tail lookin, scruffy coated weasel penis with your pathetic pop gun sorry butt scratchin mother cluck." Fritz said! Then he whipped the cannon of a revolver around between the eyes of the now shivering young weasel punk. "And to top it all off? I have not had my coffee and Danish yet because you had to bring your happy tail hide in here lookin for a score. Do you see this gun pointed at your puss? Nod your head yes, you tooth pick shaped premature penis? Go on....nod yes?"

The weasel nodded. Behind the counter....poor Boo Boo was rolling around on the floor laughing and about to pee himself silly.

"See?" Fritz continued. "This is a 44 Magnum you spindy screw bag. This is a Mafia gun, not that pussy excuse for a pop gun that's about the size of your penis. If I pull this trigger right now? You'll be a modern art masterpiece all over that pristine wall behind you and my name happens to be Picasso. And because I have not had my coffee and Danish? I'm gonna call my latest work..."A limp penis atomized Weasel dick." Adios Pretty Boy Ferret!"

"CLICK!"

The poor weasel's eyes turned white and he crashed to the floor with a well forming pool of liquid flowing out from his passed out carcass.

"Boo Boo?" Fritz asked calmly. "Please tell me you did not wet yourself?" The cat asked as he whipped out a pair of police cuffs from his belt ring, flipped the unconscious weasel onto his stomach and slapped them on the weasel's wrists.

"No Fritz! I'm good!" Boo Boo replied as he waved a paw.

"Ok? You're dry, so where in hell is my order? Just because pencil neck here tried to rob the place doesn't give you reason to slack off? Sheesh Yogi? You teaching the cub to be lazy like you?" Fritz snickered as he snatched the weasel by the nape of his neck. "Wake up there yellow snow ball?"

The weasel's eyes fluttered as Fritz showed off his badge in his snoot. "Damn punk. ZPD...you're under arrest. Next time you have a gun moron? Use it so I have an excuse to Darwin your dumb butt out of the gene pool?"

Fritz kept a knee in the weasel's back and read him his rights. "Yogi? Call Benji Clawhauser at HQ and ask him to send a cruiser to pick this punk up?"

Boo Boo came from behind the counter. "Here's the number three and your coffee Fritz."

"Thanks Boob." Fritz replied as he went for his wallet.

"Uh uh...." Yogi said waving a paw. "On the house."

"No." Fritz replied. "Must pay the working bear for his future college education and dowry. Just put that up as a fat tip." Fritz walked out of the shop, started his car and turned the radio dial to "Dall Dorse the Amazing Horse" on ZOO 200FM where a song by the late "Tooth Poc" boomed through the speakers almost making Fritz deaf from the base! He noticed the folded up note from his wife taped to the dash and smiled as he read it....

"Tongue bath tonight.....and you're the victim ; ) XXXXXXXX......"

Giggling to himself...Fritz stopped at a light and threw a quick text to his wife's phone...

"Gigs.....wet pussy."

The traffic through downtown was just starting to pick up for the morning job stampede as Fritz turned into the ZPD precinct parking area full of incoming shift officers and end shift departures. He caught his night shift counterpart Mike Astrochan (Sumatran Tiger) as he was walking to his own car...

"Beeep! Beeep!" "Mike!" Fritz called out.

"Yo!" The Tiger replied as he waved and walked over to Fritz's car door. "It was a sort of quiet night. Ben has the reports."

"You're going to "Buckies" this week?" Fritz asked.

"I have to ask Tamlin if we're not planning anything that night." Mike replied.

"Well bring her along? No one's going to bite." Fritz said as he pointed. "I have to park before I get left out. See you tonight."

Fritz waved good bye to Mike, parked his car and soon went through the front doors and into the large cavernous space that was the main lobby of Precinct One which was filled with officers in uniforms and plain clothes from elephants to Otters. Of course at the center was the welcoming Kiosk with the ever happy and seriously friendly Sargent Benjamin Clawhauser swaying too and fro to his favorite music....which was always Gazelle. Everyone liked Clawhauser and never think his jocular mood or cheery behavior could be taken as that of a fat slacker. No one dared to insult the big cheetah, a wrong lip could get your snoot punched if you dared make the lovable guy upset. One thing about Ben Clawhauser...he was extremely professional, well organized and supremely dedicated to his place in the department and not a bad word could be said of him.

Fritz walked up with a paw wave.."Morning Benji."

"Hey Fritz! I can't believe someone tried to rob the Yogaboob? What timing!" Benjamin said.

Fritz showed Ben the bag. "Guess what's in the bag?"

"Tons of doughnuts?" Ben replied with a wide smile.

"Oh not for you this early in the morning. You deserve...." Fritz pulled a clear plastic container from the bag...."A leopard custard cream delight."

Ben was overjoyed by the size of the pastry treat specially designed for the feline pallet.

"And?" Fritz said as he reached back into the bag and pulled out a tall coffee. "A cheeta-mocca supreme."

Ben reached over his counter. "COME HERE YOU!" He yelped as he picked Fritz off the floor and snuggle hugged him. After pulling him down, Fritz and Ben exchanged paw slaps and finger signs. "You just KNOW how to tickle my britches in the morning Fritz!"

"Don't tell my wife Benji? She might get super jealous and neuter my tail." Fritz said. "Mike said I have two folders waiting for me?"

"Oh yes." Benjamin replied as he reached behind his counter and pulled up two red folders. "This one? Just have to say.....lemmings."

"Does someone in the universe have a personal vendetta against lemmings?" Fritz asked.

"Oh no." Benjamin replied. "That one is your standard auto fatality. Blown tire on a Rodentia SUV and the poor things were thrown into incoming traffic on the 394 on the scenic strip in Tundra Town."

Fritz stood shaking his head. "Scenic strip. And what was the reason for the Mayor not ordering a separation of the traffic or building rodent tubes through that stretch? The obstructions would take away the aesthetics?"

Benjamin pointed to the second folder. "That one? A hyena and a dingo got into a fight on the "1" near Elm. Dingo thought Hyena was reaching for a wepon so he pulled out a gun and shot the Hyena. The Hyena was unarmed."

"All right." Fritz said as he started to walk away.

"Hey! Don't run off when I'm not done with you yet?" Benjamin yelped as he waved something in his paw. "Backstage passes for your daughter to Gazelle's upcoming event to promote her latest album."

Fritz took the ticket." Thanks Benji. "My younger daughter will go nuts for sure. She loves Gazelle." Fritz walked to the door marked "ZPD HOMICIDE" and went inside, stopping at the secretary's desk where a female fox was already working a stack of reports...

"Morning Saddy" Fritz said as he waved in passing.

"Morning Fritz." Saddy replied. She then waved a paw at him. "Oh Fritz! Hold on!"

Fritz turned around to see a Cheetah sitting by the desk dressed in a black police uniform. "Oh....you must be Officer?"

The young Cheetah stood up. "David Sweet Sir...transfer from Sahara Square traffic division."

Harry regarded the young cat carefully as he thought to himself..."Pressed uniform, squared haircut, good demeanor. Yup...fits his record all right." Harry then gestured. "Follow me David. Or do you like Dave? Sorry I almost passed you up on the way in but I had a crazy start to my morning already."

"David's fine Sir, thank you." David replied with a sound of earnestness in his voice.

"First thing?" Fritz said. "I'm not Sir. You make me sound like a geezer. You can call me Fritz? I have your desk all set up for you."

David followed Fritz to his desk where Fritz pulled his chair out for him. "So I read your record during my day off and I must say you were impressive in the traffic division. You must have loved being a bike cop so what made you want to switch to Homicide Division?"

David played with his thick head tuft..."I was told it's a good thing to have in your record for advancement. That and SWAT. But I chose Homicide partially because I heard it was under-staffed and needed very athletic members and because you're own record spoke for itself. I thought a guy attached to your coat tales would prove beneficial."

Fritz crossed his arms. "That's a very well practiced employment speech or by the tone of your voice David? You're totally ate up and crave some excitement."

"Probably number two on that list. I was curious as to why your nick name is "Dirty Hairy"

Fritz nodded and smirked. "Because at times homicide can be a dirty business and you need mammals who can handle the dirty work and are not afraid to skirt the dividing line....which includes getting sketchy close to over stepping our boundaries. Trust me David....I'm hard on everything....including partners. You better show me you're as real as your record."

David nodded. "I love being a cop. And trust me Fritz? I don't wear down easy."

"I'm liking you already." Fritz replied.

"So?" David asked as he leaned forwards. "Everybody says you pack a howitzer for a weapon?"

Fritz reached into his suit and pulled the 44 Magnum from it's holster.

"Wheeeeewwwwww....." David said as he blew a breath. "Son of a bitch. That thing's half as big as you."

"So's something else but it wouldn't be polite to display it here." Fritz said as he emptied the cylinder and passed the empty Magnum for David to handle it."

"It has weight....how the hell do you handle this thing?" David said as he pointed the revolver to the ceiling. "What's the barrel length? Half a foot?"

"Try eight inches." Fritz replied. "Lots of exercise and bench pressing. Keep in mind that this "Smite and Weasel" fourty four carries more than lethal loads. I can fire high velocity net rounds, trank rounds, traker rounds, flash bang rounds...anything our weapons smiths can design for the fourty four that's non-lethal amo I can use. And no....contrary to all the dumb stories I have not killed fourty four mammals like a crazy cowboy. But I have broken a lot of bones. I use it because it has stopping power. When you might be facing a Tiger or Rhino under the influence of a schedule one botanical like Night Howler or Khat? You want a stop sign that works. Now please take my advice and don't try to copy me and get something super freaky like a 357? Your record shows you are a surgeon with a shot gun so stick with that. A good bird gun is an asset in a two mammal room entry."

Fritz took the revolver back, slapped in a speed load and flipped the cylinder closed. "Oh and another thing? We don't wear uniforms. All our work is done plain clothed so I hope you brought civilian wear?"

David nodded. "I did. A business outfit and a set of street party wear. We do wear combat vests under our clothes?"

"In kevlar we sure trust." Fritz said as he patted his shirt. "You get settled in. I'll brief you on the latest case files and then we'll hit the streets at nine. Keep in mind that we usually get calls more for traffic and non-crime fatality work like deaths from brawls, workplace accidents and mammals who just decided to Darwin from the gene pool but as always? The day is young so anything is possible. Welcome to Zootopia Trash Collection Division."

David replied to Fritz with a desire smirk. "Do I get thick work gloves to manhandle the scum?"

End of Part 1