FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Kickaha crouched low to the ground as he glanced around. Light fluttered the cracks of the foreign objects that he was currently using for cover. Beneath them he could see the shoes of the many humans who walked through this labyrinth of greed and ardor. He was trapped! They were everywhere! Sure they weren't all bad... But one of them was hunting him. He could be anywhere... He could even be...

"Hey Mister, what are you doing?" A high pitched voice asked almost directly next to Kickaha.

"AGAAAAH!" Kickaha's fur bristled as he nearly leaped right out of his cover. He backed away from the source of the voice and held his green cloak over his face to shield him. "Who are you? And how did you discover this hidden location?"

"I'm Suzie and..." It was a human girl who spoke. She was dressed in a pair of overalls and a pastel shirt. She couldn't be older than five or six. That made her just a bit taller than the three foot nothing adult foxyote. "I like to hide down here too. But my mommy always gets mad."

"I see. Well, you're very wise for your age to have found this place." Kickaha slowly lowered his cloak.

"You mean the clothing rack?" She tilted her head.

"... Yes." Kickaha paused as he examined his surroundings again. It was indeed a clothing rack. It was one of those circular ones you often saw in department stores with a ring of jackets and shirts encircling it. He wasn't sure what practical use the humans saw in buying such things... But he had to admit they made for a really good hiding spot. No one had suspected he was here! Well almost no one... "So... What are you doing here?"

"Playing hide and seek while my mom tries on socks!" Suzie nodded eagerly.

"Does your mom know you're playing hide and seek?" He decided not to comment on the uselessness of socks. Humans never did understand.

"N-no." Suzie looked down as if ashamed.

"Well..." Kickaha breathed a sigh of relief. That meant none of adult humans were bound to discover his location. At least not yet. Any parent who would try on socks could go hours before noticing their child was missing. That meant he still had time. "That's good. Less people involved. But you need to understand... you've stumbled onto a very delicate operation."

"Operation?" Suzie crawled closer to Kickaha. "Are you some kind of secret agent or something?"

"Yes." The foxyote answered with zero hesitation as his tail began to wag. The girl's face lit up at the idea of meeting a real live secret agent. "And I've been dispatched here for a very important mission! You see I've come to this den of antiquity in order to-"

"What's an-ti-kitty mean?" She interrupted him.

"Mostly it means a place where pants are required." Kickaha muttered. "But I said antiquity. It means some place that is very old and ancient." The girl stared at him in silence for a solid minute.

"Do you mean the mall?" She asked.

"You are a clever girl." Kickaha grinned. "I didn't imagine there was anyone so young among your species who still knew that term."

"I come to the mall all the time!" The girl tried to stamp her foot. Since she was on her hands and knees this mostly had the effect of causing her to fall flat on her face for a moment.

"Really?" Kickaha seemed genuinely perplexed. "I didn't know it was common for parents to bring their children on archeological expeditions."

"What?" It was clear Suzie had no idea what he was talking about.

"Okay... I see I need to explain." Kickaha sat up on his knees and cleared his throat. "You see long ago in an ancient land known as Suburbia."

"What's a sub-herb-ia?" Suzie asked.

"An underwater garden, I suppose." Kickaha shrugged. "But this is going to take a long time if you keep interrupting. Now then, where was I..." Kickaha tapped the underside of his muzzle while he tried to think. "Right! Long ago in a time long forgotten! There was a time before cell phones and websites!"

Suzie just fixed Kickaha with a blank expression.

"Yes I know, it sounds impossible." Kickaha nodded. "But trust me. I was there. I saw it with my own two eyes! This was the time of only four TV channels! Now... Today when you want something you can simply use a magical device you carry in your pockets." He paused. "OH! THAT'S WHY THEY WEAR PANTS!" The realization seemed to hit him hard. Then he also realized that he had just given away his position, and held his breath for a few long seconds, listening for heavy footsteps. None arrived, and he finally allowed himself to exhale, then whisper, "You guys know you can just sew pockets into a cloak, right?"

"What?"

"Moving on." Kickaha shrugged. Perhaps such revelations were wasted on the young. "The point is back in this dark ancient time if you wanted something you had to set out on a journey to obtain it! It was a dangerous lair of avarice and consumerism! Well, really those are the same thing. But anyway, this location soon became known as... The mall!"

"That's where my mommy buys my clothes!" The girl said.

"No, no, that's where your mommy may have bought things in ancient times." Kickaha corrected, his voice rising back to its original pedantic volume. "No one buys anything at malls anymore. Now they are lawless lands. Ruins of an ancient past overrun by specters unhinged by time. And also minimum wage slaves who will take whatever job they can get. At least... That was what I thought. But then, a few days ago... I received a strange parcel."

"You mean you got a Christmas gift?" Suzie asked.

"Perhaps that was the intent behind it..." Kickaha shook his head. "But it doesn't matter. It came out wrong. And to set things right I had to bring it back here. But this place is not safe for one of my kind."

"Why's that?" The girl asked.

"Well partly because humans are really bad about being cognizant of other people's tails." Kickaha replied dryly as he curled his tail around himself. "Seriously. Do you guys know just how big and heavy you are and how much it hurts to get stepped on!? Rude! And then on top of that... There's also..." The foxyote's voice dropped to the barest whisper. "Jerry."

"Who's Jerry?"

"He proclaims himself as a servant of absolute law and order." Kickaha crossed his arms. "In reality he's a self-absorbed tyrant. He can call himself Mall Security but I see him for what he really is! And he does not like me."

"Why not?" Suzie tilted her head.

"Well he's either completely dead inside with no sense of humor and seeks to bring about ruin to anyone who can still feel joy..." Kickaha paused as he considered it for a moment. "Or he's still upset about that scooter incident. It's gotta be the first one. The latter was hilarious."

"What?"

"That's not important now. What's important is that I have to stay hidden! For my own safety." His tail thrashed. "Everyone's safety really. So I simply try to keep a low profile as I make my journey to the great store on the other side! Only there can I complete my mission to return... The parcel!" As Kickaha spoke he pointed to a white cardboard box that was sitting on the ground about a foot away from him. It was no longer than a football and flat as a pizza box.

"Ohhh what's that?" Suzie immediately moved to open the box.

"YOU FOOL!" Kickaha snatched the box away from her. "Did you not hear my story? I warned you! It was wrong! It must be returned to whence it came! That is the only way! I am merely waiting for the proper moment! Once I'm sure that neither the Jerry or his allies are present I will-" As Kickaha spoke the coats that made up his hiding place were roughly shoved to the side. His ears folded back and his tail sagged as he felt a familiar shadow hover over him.

"I found your daughter ma'am." The shadow's booming voice spoke. He was at least six feet tall! Maybe even seven! His blue and gray security uniformed were stretched thin over his rippling muscles. He kept his face hidden behind a bushy moustache and pair of reflective sunglasses that he wore indoors. "And the troublemaker who led her away from you too."

"Hello Jerry." Kickaha grinned sheepishly. "Heard any good jokes lately?"

"Just one." Jerry gripped a baton in his hand. He visibly tensed up to the point the entire weapon was crushed in an instant in his huge fist. "But I've been told my sense of humor is a bit rough."

"Ah! See! You're learning the wordplay thing!" Kickaha clapped his hands. "I knew you could do it! I'm so proud of you!" His response was met with a growl and a glare. "I'll just be... Going now! Bye, Suzie! Make sure you listen to your mom!" With that Kickaha grabbed the white box and took off running as fast as he could.

"You're not getting away this time!" Jerry roared as he sprinted after Kickaha. "Everything still smells like chlorine after our last encounter!"

"You can't honestly be upset about the detergent in the fountain!?" Kickaha asked as he quickly slid across the floor tile leaving the department store. He turned down the main plaza of the mall darting between a sunglasses stand, porcelain figurines and tiny cacti in colorful pots. "Honestly, that was just a civil service! This place hasn't smelled that clean in ages!"

"GET BACK HERE!" Jerry was too large to slip through the gap Kickaha had used. He slowed his trot as he approached the stands and for a moment Kickaha might put on enough distance to escape. Then Jerry suddenly kicked off the ground, leaped high into the air and cleared all three stands before landing safely. This stunned Kickaha enough to cause him to stop running and just stare for a moment.

"I'll be honest. I saw that going down differently in my head. Someone remembered leg day. You could teach a few kangaroos a thing or two about jumping. In fact..." Kickaha raised his paw to prepare a spell then paused and lowered it. That might not be a good idea. Kangaroos could kick really hard.

"I WILL CRUSH YOU AND MOUNT YOUR PHOTO ON THE LIFETIME BAN WALL!" Jerry came onto Kickaha like a savage animal. A term that Kickaha quite frankly found insulting. He was never anywhere this mean! Remembering that he was in a world of pain should Jerry actually catch up Kickaha decided it was probably about time to start running again. When Jerry closed half the distance in about two seconds... okay, it was quite definitely time to start running again.

"Okay... think, me. Come on. Think," Kickaha muttered to himself as he ran. He had to somehow get away from Jerry if he was going to complete his mission. The simple fact was that Jerry was stronger, faster and bigger than him in every way. Just running for it wasn't going to save him. He supposed he could try turning him into a small animal... But truth be told, that hadn't worked out so well last time. It turned out that Jerry made an even meaner squirrel than a human. Life lessons had been learned in the mall and in the emergency room that day. His only option here was to play to his strengths. He had to outsmart Jerry somehow. Well, that shouldn't be too hard. That bit of gray matter in his head was the one muscle Jerry hadn't pumped up to ridiculous degrees.

Kickaha neared the center of the mall with Jerry on his trail. The store he needed to go to was down one floor from where he was. But Jerry didn't know that! If Jerry thought he was going to the third floor instead once he lost him he could reach his store in peace! Kickaha quickly jumped onto the nearest escalator and began to ride it up to the third floor. Jerry followed after him, murder in his eyes as he began to walk up the escalator rolling up his sleeves.

"Uh! Um... uh!" Kickaha waved a paw. "You know the rules! You can't do that! You have to keep at least one hand on the handrail at all times! It's a safety thing!"

Jerry paused and considered for a moment. Kickaha could practically see the gears turning in his brain. Jerry was an upholder of the law, or at least he thought he was. If he violated even the most minor of guidelines his self image would be completely destroyed. After a few seconds Jerry stopped moving and grabbed the hand rail and just glared at Kickaha. The foxyote flashed a playful smile as they both rode the escalator up to the third floor.

"End of the line." Jerry gave a sadistic grin as they reached the top.

"Maybe. But actually, you know, I think I wanted the second floor!" Kickaha responded and jumped onto the other escalator going back down. Jerry growled as he followed... But once on the escalator knew he could do nothing but hang on to the handrail and glare at the foxyote.

"You know, maybe it was the third floor." Kickaha mused out loud as they arrived at the end again. The foxyote jumped back onto the other escalator riding it back up as Jerry could only follow.

This was good. He had Jerry stuck in a loop. That gave him time to think. But what options did he have? Well... Eventually Jerry's shift would end and he'd have to go home. Kickaha could just stay on the escalators until then... But then the store would be closed. That wouldn't work. He supposed that also meant just waiting out Jerry till the heat death of the universe was also out. No, he couldn't rely on stalling him. How did he lose him then?

He supposed the easier way to do it would be to just turn into a bird and fly off. As far as he knew Jerry didn't have a jetpack. But that would be cheating! And Kickaha may have been many things, but he was always sporting! So what other options did that leave him? If he tried to run away from the escalator upon getting off, Jerry would be on him in an instant. He could try to turn into something small and get lost in the crowd. But then he'd lose the box. He bit his lip. Had he just trapped himself by retreating to the escalator? There had to be some other route-

The foxyote smiled. There was one.

"You can't ride the escalator all day!" Jerry growled. "I've already radioed in to have the power cut! In just a few minutes you're mine!"

"Honestly Jerry, I didn't know you cared that much about little old me." Kickaha wagged his tail. "But I'm afraid like always... Your chances of catching me are about to take a dive."

"Wait what?" Jerry asked. They were nearly to the top of the third floor again.

"Bye!" Kickaha climbed up on top of the handrail.

"HEY! HAND ON THE RAIL AT ALL TIMES!" Jerry roared.

"It is! It is!" Kickaha insisted. "Two paws and one hand see! But... I'm afraid I must bid you adieu." With that Kickaha leaped from the handrails of the escalator and dove down the towards the first floor. This may have seemed like folly to many... But Kickaha knew this place well and his aim was true! In the center of all the escalators on the first floor was the same fountain he had used in a previous encounter! And now it was his salvation! He readied himself to land in the water with a playful splash and

SPLA-THUNK!

"Owwwwwwwww." Kickaha whined as he landed in water that only went up to his knees. His knees hurt now. Okay, his everything hurt now. Note to self... fountains are really shallow. It seemed obvious in hindsight. He probably should have turned into a small animal or something before landing. Everything was pain now... But he had escaped Jerry! And that was worth it. "Yay..." Kickaha winced as he climbed out of the fountain. He made sure his box was unharmed before he limped over against a wall leaned against it to support himself.

"KICCCCCCCKAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Jerry let out a blood curdling howl. Luckily there was nothing he could do now! Kickaha was in the clear.

At least that's what he thought until Jerry jumped over the railing of the third floor, came flying down and landed in the middle of the mall floor leaving a large crater in the process. He stood up completely unharmed and started walking in Kickaha's direction.

"Oh come on!" Kickaha threw up his paws. "Are you even human at this point!?" Kickaha leaned against the wall, but the fall had hurt him and he couldn't run very fast. Jerry seemed to realize this and approached Kickaha with a slow confident walk. There was no escape. He was cornered! Was this the end of Kickaha of the Art and his humorous misadventures!?

Ding!

"Oh thank you deus ex machina!" Kickaha shouted as the elevator behind him suddenly opened up. Kickaha quickly flopped into the elevator and threw all of his weight against the close door button before Jerry could get in. There was a loud weight as a huge fist punched against the elevator door leaving a giant dent in it.

"There is no escape!" Jerry shouted. He ran back out to the escalators, but per his own orders they had already been turned off. With no other choice he ran up them as fast as he could. He easily beat the elevator to the third floor. Stood in front of it with a mean grin and then suddenly a vacant expression.

The elevator was completely empty!

"What?" Jerry didn't understand. Was the foxyote hiding!? Had he just changed forms? He stepped onto the elevator looking around trying to find him. The elevator doors shut behind him. There were more buttons lit up on it... Oh, no! This elevator went to the office tower above the mall! And the buttons... Oh, no! So many lights! Someone had pressed all the buttons! "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jerry roared. The elevator would go up one floor, stop, go up again, stop and so on. And the stairways in the office tower... they were for fire evacuation only. Using them would be... a safety violation. He was stuck.

Meanwhile, Kickaha who had gotten off on the second floor slowly limped back down the staircase. He had successfully evaded Jerry and no doubt he'd be busy for awhile. Finally he had achieved victory as he went down one floor and walked into the store his box had come from. He walked up to the desk and set the box on there.

"I have come from long and far... But finally I have made it." Kickaha was panting from his endeavors. "But I've come to return this item."

"Okay... Reason for the return?" The elderly lady behind the desk asked.

"It's the wrong size." Kickaha explained and opened the box. Inside of it was a small green cloak not unlike the one he wore now. The problem... It was no bigger than a handkerchief.

"That's impossible." The clerk waved her hand. "They're one size fits all."

"I'm fairly confident that's not true." Kickaha groaned.

"Have you tried it on?"

"What?" Kickaha looked at the tiny cloak. "No!"

"Well then, how do you know?" The clerk asked.

"I have eyes." Kickaha sighed. "Fine whatever! I'm trying it on!" He quickly undid his old cloak and set it on the counter. Then he tried to put the tiny cloak over his shoulders. It didn't fit for a moment... Then there was a sudden sense of vertigo as the ground suddenly rushed up to at Kickaha... Or more accurately he rushed down. His ears became rounder as his tail became shorter. His entire body became more round as he took on the shape of a chipmunk.

"See? I told you." The clerk rolled her eyes.

"What are you talking about?" Kickaha carefully climbed up on top of the desk so he could see the clerk. "I already knew it would do that! Frankly I would have been disappointed if it hadn't... But it's far too long on me!" Kickaha gestured to the back of the cloak that went down almost to his ankles. "I wear short cloaks! They go down to just above my tail. I appreciate the sentiment, but I just want to make sure it'll fit my style right. This one simply isn't the right size."

"Ugggh fiiiine." The clerk gave a heavy sigh. "We'll work the exchange."

And that was all it took. A few moments later the foxyote colored chipmunk strode out of the store wearing his new proper sized cloak. It even had little pockets sewed into it! It really was quite nice now that it was the proper size.

And hey... As an added bonus it would make escaping this place much easier. After all... Jerry wasn't looking for a chipmunk.

The End