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How the Foxyote Ruined and then Saved Christmas

By CalexTheNeko

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

"SQUEAK!"

I said... Not a creature was stirring... Not even a mouse.

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!" Craaaaaash! Boooooom! Claaang!

---

Okay. Seriously? What is going on?

_ _

The house was full of noise as a terrified mouse fled through the living room. It panted heavily as it dove beneath the couch. A moment later a half fox half coyote creature wearing a green cloak came running in. He stopped short of the couch looking right and left a few times trying to see which direction the mouse had gone. He sniffed at the air for a few moments, smiled with glee and then kicked the couch over exposing the mouse that shivered with terror.

I ought to have known it was him. That Sly Kickaha. He has no concern for tradition on this holy night! He thinks only of the mouse beneath his paw!

_ _

"What?" Kickaha looked away from the mouse for a moment and shrugged. "A guy's gotta eat."

Wait... Can you hear me? How... How can that even be?

_ _

"How could I not hear you?" Kickaha shrugged. "You're quite loud you know. Now if you'll excuse me, I was just about to eat!"

The foxyote paid no mind to the purpose of this tale! All he cared about now was the mouse he'd assail. But not ready to quit on this most holy night! The mouse slipped from Kickaha's paw and disappeared from sight!

_ _

"Hey! That wasn't necessary!" Kickaha whined. "Now I'm going to have to track it down all over again!"

And so he began his hunt once again. He was determined to eat his meal in the end. He sniffed around the house till he found its scent. The mouse dove to the fireplace and tried to ascend! With a vicious yip-yip the foxyote did give chase! And the mouse climbed up to the chimney with grace! But Kickaha was not one to be stopped easily! And he crawled up himself just as quick as can be!

_ _

"So is this just like a thing you do?" Kickaha asked sootily as he clambered up the chimney. "You just... Show up and narrate things?"

Some of us have normal jobs. Not all of us are lazy slobs.

_ _

"Tried the job thing, didn't really work." Kickaha shook his head as he neared the top of the chimney. "Trust me. Bad things happened for everyone involved."

As the yote reached the roof, the mouse knew it was stuck. There was nowhere to flee... it was just out of luck. But a late foxyote dinner was just not to be; for Kick's pounce met a guest that he'd failed to see!

"OOF!" Kickaha had climbed out of the chimney and pounced at the first sign of movement. However he found himself colliding with something much larger and heavier than a mouse. In fact, it was something more than twice his size! And easily three times as wide! The figure let out a grunt and slumped against the chimney. "Wait... Why would someone be on the roof?"

Kickaha jumped back up to his feet like a shot! He looked down at his victim -- just who had he caught? ! It was quite a large man, dressed in red! And then Kick realized he had just tackled and knocked out Saint Nick!

_ _

"Wait! Wait! I know this looks naughty!" Kickaha stammered, quickly waving his paws. But he got no response. "Ummm... Santa Clause" It became clear he was out cold.

Kickaha looked at Santa with panic and dread. What's that sound? He whirled round and saw deer and a sled! Eight reindeer stared at him -- oh, what had he done? He could feel their displeasure -- and it weighed a full ton!

_ _

"It was an accident!" Kickaha pleaded with the reindeer. "How was I supposed to know to watch out for people on the roof!"

Seriously?

_ _

"What?" Kickaha shrugged. "I kind of just assumed my house would get skipped! Let's face it, I'm not exactly nice-list material! Look--I'll make it right! Let me get him inside and he'll soon be alright!"

Did... Did you just rhyme right with alright?

"The rhyme wasn't even intentional!" Kickaha stuck his tongue out. "I'm trying to actually be helpful here unlike some people!"

Clearly. Well, don't let me stop you from helping.

"Right then!" Kickaha looked at Santa Claus's unconscious body. "I just have to drag him down the chimney... Lay him on the couch! And then he'll probably wake up and everything will be fine." Kickaha smiled as he dearly hoped this would be true.

So the foxyote began his eccentric endeavor. He could still save the day -- folks would praise him as clever! But hauling Saint Nick was a burdensome chore, and the tight chimney flue made Kick ache even more. Santa's unconscious body got constantly stuck, but the foxyote persisted with desperate pluck. As the pair neared the bottom, Saint Nick just popped loose; Kick tried to support him, but it just was no use! Kick fell to the bottom, hit the bricks with a plop... and the corpulent Claus fell directly on top.

_ _

"Owwwwwwwww." Kickaha whined. "I really should have gone down after him instead of trying to drag him down." With that the foxyote quickly walked back to the couch and lifted it right-side up. Then he gently moved Santa to rest on the couch. "There! Now he's inside where it's warm! I'm sure he'll gain consciousness any second now and we'll all laugh about this little accident! Any second now... Any second..."

But Santa didn't move, never even once quivered. Was there no hope for Christmas? All those gifts undelivered!

_ _

"You're not helping!" Kickaha paced back and forth as he clapped his hands behind his back. "Okay... This is pretty bad though. I've pulled a few tricks but they were always in good fun! I can't ruin Christmas! That'd ruin the whole loveable part of my rascal archetype!"

So what are you going to do about it?

_ _

"I'll... I'll..." Kickaha paced back and forth a few times as he tried to think. Suddenly his face lit up as got an idea. "I'll just have to save Christmas!"

Oh this will be good.

"What? How hard can it be?" Kickaha grinned. "Just gotta visit all the children of the world in a single night."

But surely it wasn't as simple as that. He had nothing to work with! Not even the hat!

_ _

"Oh you of little faith." Kickaha grinned as he slowly took Santa's hat from atop his head. "I've got everything I need! I'm sure he won't mind be borrowing the tools of the trade! After all I'm doing it for the kids. And also to save my own skin."

With a hat on his head and a desperate grin, Kickaha clambered back up the chimney again. He leaped to the sleigh, still parked there on the roof; he tugged at the reins, but the deer stood aloof.

_ _

"Come on! On Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen!" Despite Kickaha getting all their names right, the reindeer stared sullenly back at him.

Kickaha couldn't fly! He was being ignored! For the reindeer were peeved that he'd knocked out their lord.

"A momentary setback." Kickaha rubbed his muzzle. "But I can't force them to fly. Wonder if I can find someone else to help me out."

And where are you going to find another herd of flying reindeer?

_ _

"Well... Now that you mention it..." Kickaha grinned. "I might know a few people. They might not look the part, but I'm sure they'll be willing. And with a little Christmas magic, they just might fit in."

And the foxyote set off on a hasty Plan B. He texted his friends with an desperate plea . It took some convincing, some bribing and lies. He even resorted to puppy-dog eyes. But four of his friends bought his desperate pleading, and he soon had four reindeer for the evening's proceeding. He dug out his own sleigh -- it was smaller than Nick's. Though persuading his 'reindeer' required some tricks.

"On Erakir!" Kickaha gave a happy shout. "And no more bonkings please! Don't want to ruin Nick's hat! On Licos who's always big and quite tough! And on Calex who's small but plays just as rough! On Eevachu who's always great for a laugh!"

They were very odd deer of mixed colors and size! But they listened to Kickand soon took to the skies! Sure, the five of them made quite an unwieldy sight -- but they all knew the stakes of their mission tonight.

"Now then let's see here." Kickaha lifted his hat up and shook it. A rolled up scroll of paper came tumbling out of it. "This must be his delivery list. We'll just take a look and see how many houses we need to visit." Kickaha began to unravel the scroll to read it. He then continued to unravel it as it proved to be quite a bit longer than expected. He then continued to unravel as the long trail of paper was soon flying in the wind behind the sleigh. "That... That's a lot of stops."

_ _

But of course! Did you contemplate anything less? Santa sees every child! Stops at every address!

_ _

"I know that!" Kickaha snapped with a wave of his paw. "But I don't have whatever weird time magic lets him make all the stops. Granted, I do have some time themed magic, but that's probably not going to help the current situation. I don't suppose you have any ideas?"

_ _

Me?

_ _

"Well yeah, you have an opinion on everything!" Kickaha said. "So think you could help me out here with these deliveries?"

_ _

Well I'm flattered I'm sure! But that simply won't do. I'm just here for narration. Fixing this is on you!

_ _

"Of course it is..." Kickaha began to rub his muzzle as he tried to think. Getting to all the houses in one night... With a bit of magic (and changing time zones) he could probably pull that off. But stopping at each house... That was the problem. Getting down a chimney, finding the tree, placing presents, and back up all without getting caught. That was the real trick. Not to mention the time it would take to navigate houses without chimneys. He would have to either figure out how to do those or skip the entire state of Florida.

_ _

Kickaha wasn't one to give up in a pinch. He was playing dear Santa, not the dastardly Grinch! He had to save Christmas! He must, and he can! And it was at this point he came up with a plan! It was new! It was bold! It was... crazy, all right? But he'd probably get it all done in one night!

_ _

"I'll simply stay airborne -- skip all the delay! I'll just drop the gifts off without leaving the sleigh!"

_ _

And so with that he-

_ _

Wait what?

_ _

"Yeah! Fly-by delivery! Gifts dropped from above! We'll be done much more quickly! So what's not to love?"

THAT IS NOT A GOOD PLAN!

_ _

"Sure it is! It's just awesome! It's really quite grand! We'll be through in no time if we never touch land!" Kickaha puffed out his chest.

_ _

You can't just throw presents out the back of the sleigh! Some of them could be fragile! They'll break! Not to mention how will the kids find their gifts if they're landed somewhere outside?

_ _

"I really don't think that's going to be an issue." Kickaha shrugged.

_ _

NOT AN ISSUE! Are you even considering what you're proposing! Even if they somehow land safely! There's still the matter of thieves! If you drop off a child's new game system in the street you think it's still going to be there when they wake up?

_ _

"I dunno maybe?" Kickaha tilted his head as he thought about. "But you see that's not really the issue since-"

_ _

And not to mention it simply isn't done! Santa leaves presents under the tree! Not in the street! I for one refuse to be a part of that! If you continue with this plan then I'm leaving!

_ _

"Can you actually do that?"

Well... Admittedly no. But I can sit here and refuse to narrate a word further! And without me the story will never advance. So I'm afraid you'll just have to come up with another idea.

_ _

"Uh okay then..." Kickaha just stared into space blankly. He wanted to give the voice a deadpan look... But it was really hard to look a disembodied voice in the eye. "But it's not like I was just going to throw gifts out into the snow!"

_ _

But you were literally talking just tossing the presents out of the sleigh!

_ _

"Sort of... But uhhh well..." Kickaha flashed a nervous grin. "You see the thing is... I sort of just remembered that this isn't Santa's sleigh. His reindeer were rather rude and uncooperative... So I had to make due with one of my own."

_ _

I was trying not to draw attention to that. I'm pretty sure reindeer aren't supposed to be those colors... And that bright orange one isn't even fully grown! Surely you're not violating some child labor laws?

_ _

"Hey I haven't broken any laws as long as he doesn't get paid!" Kickaha snapped. "But that's not the point... The point is that as impressive as my replica sleigh is... There is one thing it's missing."

_ _

Four more reindeer to complete the image?

_ _

"Aside from that." Kickaha sneered. "It's um well... I don't actually have a sack of toys."

_ _

YOU LEFT BEHIND SANTA'S SACK!?

_ _

"I didn't want too!" Kickaha whined. "But those reindeer looked pretty mean, and I wasn't sure it was a good idea to try to walk off with it. Besides it just feels wrong."

_ _

That? That is the thing that feels wrong. Nothing else.

_ _

"Well yeah!" Kickaha flailed his paws. "I can't steal from Santa! It's just not right!"

_ _

Oh. Yeah... I guess... You running off with his sack would have looked kind of bad.

_ _

"I know right!" Kickaha sighed. "And even though I would have only done so with the noblest of intentions! I'm sure someone would have been very upset and there would have been huge misunderstandings!"

_ _

I guess... I can't fault you there... But then... That means there are no presents! What even is the point of doing the delivery if there aren't any presents!?

_ _

"Well you know they say it's the thought that counts." Kickaha beamed innocently.

_ _

Hey if you wanna try explaining that to the children that's your funeral.

_ _

"Besides I didn't say I was leaving them empty handed!" Kickaha's grin became predatory. "No, I was thinking I'd arrange for a special surprise for each of them!"

_ _

I almost dread to ask.

_ _

"Just sit back and watch!" Kickaha continued to grin as he turned to his list. "Looks like we've got a child's house coming up just now."

_ _

Ah yes... That's Timmy I mean...

_ _

Little Timmy's house soon came into view! And Timmy like all good boys was asleep in his bed. Kickaha's sleigh approached silent as night. He held out his paw and flew past Timmy's room. Then a beam of green light flew straight from Kick's paw! Timmy was struck and vanished from sight! Then laying there asleep in his place... Was a young fox kit with fur colored red!

_ _

"Merry Christmas!" Kickaha barked with a laugh.

_ _

What... What did you just make me complacent too!

_ _

"Ahhh don't get worked up!" Kickaha said. "I'm sure he'll love his gift! Kids love animals! Besides! Now that he has those lovely paws he'll never have to worry about getting a boring pair of socks for Christmas again! Or pants for that matter. They're terrible tail traps really."

_ _

That's not a gift!

_ _

"Why not is a fox not good enough?" Kickaha narrowed his eyes.

_ _

No that's not it! Just... The kid is going to be terrified when he wakes up!

_ _

"Maybe for a moment! But he'll have a lot of fun once he calms down! Especially when he sees all his friends are animals too! Besides, I'm not cruel. I let him keep his thumbs and ability to walk upright! He can even still talk! See! I'm quite nice." Kickaha wagged his tail. "Now then we're burning moonlight! Let's get on to the next house!"

_ _

I'm... I'm not sure I can be a part of this. I'm pretty sure we're going to get into a ton of trouble.

_ _

"No, nooooo. We won't get in trouble." Kickaha nodded eagerly. "Future Kickaha and Narrator will get in trouble! And they can fend for themselves."

_ _

I am not entirely convinced that I can!

_ _

"Well what's the alternative?" Kickaha asked. "That kids everywhere wake up on Christmas day to no surprises? What kind of story is that."

_ _

But that won't work... Oh dear... If we continue with this, I'll be complacent with turning all the children in the world...

_ _

"And many adults!" Kickaha added.

_ _

Into animals... But if I refuse then Christmas is ruined by default... And I'll be the narrator whose story ruined Christmas. But... I can't go along with this just to save my own story can I? Give me a moment... I need to contact my lawyer.

_ _

"Is that a thing?" Kickaha looked confused.

_ _

Hey, Jerry, I need your help on a problem real quick.

_ _

Okay, sure what's up?

_ _

"Huh I guess this is seriously a thing." Kickaha spun around in confusion in the sleigh unsure of where the two voices came from.

_ _

Sooooo I was on first narration job and... Things sort of went a bit off script and I'm not sure how much trouble I am.

_ _

Ohhhh, that could be bad. Well... What kind of trouble are we looking at?

_ _

Well it started with a mouse that wasn't being quiet...

_ _

Don't tell me you gave a mouse cookie! Oh no not again. It derailed everything last time and just went on forever.

_ _

Not exactly.

_ _

"I have questions." Kickaha raised a paw.

_ _

Not now.

_ _

Who's that? Why is he in a sleigh? What's with those odd reindeer? Why does he have Santa's hat.

_ _

Well that's sort of related to the problem. Um the thing is...

_ _

"Come on deep breaths! Just tell him already! You can do it!" Kickaha cheered the narrator on.

_ _

Well he chased a mouse up the chimney just as Santa was making his landing and then knocked him unconscious by mistake and thus the story couldn't continue because Santa was out cold and no longer delivering presents so the foxyote had to fill in but he couldn't get the deer to go along so got his own but none of them really look the part and he doesn't have any gifts but needs to give the kids something and now little Timmy is a fox and he plans to do the rest to all the kids but if I don't let him do that then there won't be a Christmas at all but I'm pretty sure turning the entire world into animal people is going to get us into huge trouble and-

_ _

Wow... That is a lot.

_ _

"And it sounds so dire when you phrase it like that!" Kickaha's eyes widened. "Come on! This is a happy night! For happy people! Relax a little! This is supposed to be a fantastic experience for the children."

_ _

You see what I'm stuck with?

_ _

Okay, there's no reason to panic. Quick question. Did you actually narrate any part of him transforming the kid?

_ _

... Would that be bad if I did?

_ _

Well... The bad news is you're already crossed the line. If that's what's happened that's what the story has to be about now. If you try to back out you'll be neglecting your narratorial duties and subject to litigation.

_ _

"That sounds bad." Kickaha muttered.

_ _

It's very bad. As your lawyer my recommendation is for you to continue on... Then afterwards we'll find some way to pen all the blame on the foxyote.

_ _

"I do have a talent for being blamed!" Kickaha smiled cheekily.

_ _

So wait... It's really ok to just do this and blame him after?

_ _

Why not? He doesn't to mind.

_ _

"It's all part of the game really."

_ _

Well okay if you think that's best... We'll resume the story.

_ _

_"_Wait! Lawyer person!" Kickaha gave a shout. "I have a quick question before you go! How exactly do legal proceedings work for you?"

_ _

Same as anyone else really.

_ _

"Yeah but... Like do you actually call people to the stand when you're all just voices? What about the courtroom sketches?"

_ _

Honestly, we mostly just keep written transcripts of it all.

_ _

"I guess that makes sense." Kickaha nodded. "So then... Back to the story?"

_ _

Back to the story.

_ _

"Great! Because since we've wasted so much time I'm going to have to double time it to hit all the houses!" Kickaha stretched out his paws. "Luckily this thing has a fully automatic mode." With loud pew-pew noises green lights struck out from his paws in rapid succession while aiming at different houses.

_ _

And so Kickaha continued to fly on through that night! His laser changing everyone in sight. It was hard to be precise while flying so fast. So it wasn't just the children who'd get new forms in the blast! Easier to zap up the household than to risk missing a kid! So even mom and dad might wake up a squid.

_ _

"There you go! You're getting into the spirit of it now!" Kickaha said as he continued to zap. "But don't let up now we've still got five continents left!

_ _

And so the foxyote flew onward through the sky! And the children became a zoo worth of animals on the fly! He made lions and tigers and even some bears! Small animals too like raccoons and hares! Some children he gave fangs! Made wolves out of gangs! Others had buck teeth! And they'd soon learn to burrow beneath! Some kids had fur and some kids had scales! And oh if one could just see the variety of tails! From long ones, and thin ones and tails with a tuft! Happy tails, sad tails and mad tails that puffed! Then there were cute matching ears! Better to express themselves among peers! Children's feet became paws, tipped with sharp claws! There were whiskers and maws, also beaks for some jaws. In the end would soon wake more wild! There wasn't a single forgotten child!

_ _

And so stars began to fade and night began to turn to day. And Kickaha was soon finished and on his way. The list was nearly complete soon he could rest. But there was one address left at the end of the list. One final stop before he could end his quest.

_ _

Kickaha's eyes widened as he approached the final house! It was his own home he had apparently missed. But if he wasn't home who else could be here? He checked his list, then checked it twice. The final name simply couldn't be right! The final gift was meant for a mouse!

_ _

"I can't believe it! How'd he make the list!?" Kickaha growled as he took the sleigh down. He landed right next to Santa's deer before diving down his own chimney.

_ _

There it lay exhausted on the rug. The mouse that started this whole ordeal! Before it could react Kickaha pounced! In one swift instant it was beneath his paw. It looked like it was finally dinner time and Kickaha was feeling quite smug.

_ _

"Caught you at last!"Kickaha swished his tail. "And now I think it's time for the dinner bell!" The mouse squeaked in fear and cowered quite small. Kickaha watched then his expression became quite loll. He looked around the room seeing Santa and his tree. Then stared down at the mouse who only wanted to be free. "I must be going crazy." Kickaha lifted his paw. "Merry Christmas little squeaker."He gave the mouse a gentle pat on the head. "Enjoy the night well... Cause come New Years you're dead!"

_ _

And there we bring an end to our little tale. As two enemies call a truce that was surprisingly not frail. Instead they shared tales as well a cup of hot cocoa! Even if the foxyote would swear he'd gone loco! For Christmas is a magical time of peace! Where even great enemies will let hostilities cease!

_ _

And with that we thank you for joining us this reprieve. And we assure you Santa will bring you chew toys next Christmas eve!

_ _

The End