FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Kickaha had to hand it to himself. He might have come up with the most ingenious plan to date. It was so brilliant he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before! Part of it was probably just the simple fact that helping the humans had never really crossed his mind before. At least not helping them in this way. Sure he helped them become a bit more self-aware and laugh at their own flaws. But he never helped them with what they considered practical problems. Probably because those problems made no sense. They were a silly people. Their values were all messed up and they had no idea what amounted to a proper food in this world. He still couldn't believe that some humans put on big important looking suits and dresses, went to fancy restaurants and then paid money for half a leaf on a shiny plate. That was no way to live! Especially not when these same humans occasionally find their homes invested with what they called vermin. Yes, the humans would literally have nutritious, delicious rodents in their own homes. Why, some of his fellow canids paid considerable sums to delivery services for that very convenience! But humans? Not only did they disregard the bounty nature provided, they went and paid other humans to remove these free meals from their home! Then they went back out to their 'restaurants' and paid even more for grass on a plate! Madness!

But that was where Kickaha had gotten his idea.

The simple fact was if someone was going to get paid to remove such 'pests' from a home it might as well be him. And if he just happened to relocate those mice to his stomach it was win-win. How many other people could say they got paid to go out to dinner!? Plus his business was sure to take off! His Foxyote Method of simply devouring the mice was all natural and ecologically-friendly. People were really big on that these days. They didn't like chemicals. Or anything given to them by anyone who sounded too knowledgeable. It was the perfect market for someone like Kickaha!

In fact he had already gotten his first call. He had arrived as a modest one story house that belonged to an old human couple. He was sure the couple had names but... Well it was hard to keep humans straight. They all looked alike. They never had unique fur patterns or even scent markers to give away their identity. For now he had decided to just refer to them as Them. Hopefully when it came time to bill Them he could find their actual names in his paper.

The male Them greeted him at the door when he arrived and gave Kickaha the tour of the place. There was nothing unusual about the floor plan. Three bedrooms, two baths, a living room, kitchen and an attic. Apparently the attic was where the biggest problem was. It didn't take long to see why.

"There's your problem right there!" Kickaha took the Them outside and pointed at the roof. "You can see small holes in the corner of the roof where it meets the attic. That's where they're getting in. They probably chewed right through the wall. Judging by the size of the holes we're in luck. They've got a bit of meat on their bones."

"I see I see..." The Them replied then paused. "Wait why is that good?"

"Ah well!" Kickaha paused. Humans were squeamish about some things. Maybe he shouldn't explain the exact reason. "Well obviously bigger mice are just easier to capture." That was mostly true. "Now then I'll get about setting up traps around the exits as well as a few inside the attic. Then I'll give a run through after that, collect any mice I find. Then I'll just do a couple of free check-ups to verify the place stays rodent free and remove the traps." Kickaha liked to refer to his complimentary follow-ups as his Extended Dining Plan.

Now that he had identified the problem, Kickaha was tempted just to climb into the attic and get started. However, as a professional... well, as someone claiming to be a professional... he figured he should go through all the usual steps. He obviously wasn't going to use any poison, that would ruin the meat. But he understood setting traps was a thing he was supposed to do.

The average exterminator would use a mouse trap. And the foxyote would admit that got the job done. But that was just so... Expected. No, he preferred to do something that left a bit more of an impact. Traps should have character. And he wasn't one to do anything in half measures.

First he installed tiny mouse-sized trap doors. He cut open holes directly outside points of entrance with a small saw. He then hung cages below them directly inside the house and covered the holes with bits of leaves.

Next he built a catapult. This one he put at the base of the house. Any mice that tried to climb up the walls would find themselves launched from the catapult in the general direction of Kickaha's office. (So basically the woods.) He'd go by and gather them up later after that.

The very last trap was Kickaha's favorite. This one was actually placed inside the house in case any of the rodents were brave enough to leave the attic. It was perhaps... A bit overstated but it was a classic. Anytime anything attempted to come down the stairs from the attic they would come face to face with...

THE BLADED PENDULUM OF DOOM!

There wasn't a good way to stop it once it stopped swinging though. He should probably warn the home owners about that.

Now that the traps were set, it had finally come time to enter the attic. Kickaha licked his lips as he carefully went around the previously mentioned PENDULUM OF DOOM and slipped inside.

The attic was dark and covered in dust and cobwebs. It took Kickaha a moment for his eyes to adjust as he peered around. He saw plenty of pieces of old furniture and cardboard boxes. No doubt any mice that were hiding up here had scattered as he entered. That was okay. He didn't have to just rely on his eyes. His trusted sniffer could easily locate where those mice were.

Kickaha moved as silently as a ghost. He slipped past an old couch and between rows of boxes. He stopped as he encountered a bird page knocked onto its side covered by a curtain. Kickaha peered at it for a few seconds curiously then started to move on. A half a second later he whirled back to the cage, ripped the curtain off triumphantly, and revealed the mouse that was hiding beneath it.

"AHA!" Kickaha opened his mouth into a predatory grin. It was dinner time.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The mouse suddenly let out a scream.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kickaha let out his own scream not having expected the mouse to talk.

"Don't eat meeeeeeee!" The mouse pleaded. It fell backwards onto its bottom and tried to retreat further against the cage.

"What! But I! You-" Kickaha shook his paws trying to process what had happened. "You talk!?"

"H-hey! You mean old foxyote!" A second mouse shouted. This one was female. Kickaha glanced up from the first mouse to see the second one running across the top of the couch. She was carrying a sewing needle in one hand like a sword. "You leave him alone!"

"And you got my species right on the first try!?" Kickaha's mouth hung agape. Then he remembered the sewing needle and thought that it would hurt a lot. He quickly tried to step back away from it only to feel his ankles get stuck on a bit of string. He flailed his arms as he tripped backwards landing inside a box. Several more mice came out, lifting the lid over the box and dropping it atop the foxyote sealing him inside.

To say this was not how he pictured this day going was a bit of an understatement.

He could hear squeaky cheers coming from outside the box. The mice were quite thrilled at their victory and trapping the foxyote. But there was one thing they didn't count on.

Cardboard isn't very heavy when you're taller than two inches.

Kickaha stood up in the box, easily lifting the lid off and tossing it aside. The mice gasped and screamed as he looked down, taking them in.

"No... Nooooo." Kickaha whined. "All of this is wrong." Looking over the mice he could easily make out quite a few details. The mice didn't just talk. They were clothes! Not clothes like a human's, mind you. There wasn't a pair of pants to be found anywhere in this attic. No, they had much more sensible outfits like Kickaha's cloak. Some of them were a cape or a cloak. Others made do with a simple shirt and belt. "And you're all dressed too? Oh, this is the worst day."

"Wait, what?" The female mouse with the sewing needle spoke up. She was dressed in a dark blue cape with a belt made of fishing wire around her waist. "I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm not about to let you eat anyone in my family!"

"No one is getting eaten today." Kickaha pouted. "Unless..." He paused and looked over the mice before asking a hopeful question. "I don't suppose there happens to be a completely unrelated colony of mice here that's nice and normal and doesn't dress up and talk?" He looked around hoping for an answer. He got none. "That figures. Well... I can't eat you. There's no way I can eat something that's smart enough to complain about being eaten. Let alone something with fashion sense."

"Well... Good!" The blue caped mouse replied. "Then get out of here!"

"I probably should..." Kickaha's shoulders sagged. "But I was paid to get rid of you. If I go, Them will just hire some boring human instead."

"He's an exterminator!" Another mouse cried. "He'll doom us all!"

"I'm not going to doom you!" Kickaha cried. "Look, agreements were made before I knew anything about the whole talking thing! I'm sure we can work something out!"

"Nonsense!" The blue caped mouse replied. "I bet you've set all kinds of traps to try and take us out! But we're not as dumb as you may think."

"Look, you're jumping to way too many conclusions!" Kickaha started. Then he froze as he remembered he did in fact set several traps. "Um... Hang on for a second. I'll be right back."

Kickaha quickly leaped from the box and ran down the stairs from the attic. As he did the PENDULUM OF DOOM suddenly swung down aiming straight for him. He leaped out of the way barely in time as a few hairs were shaved off the tip of his tail. Unsure of any other way to disable the trap, he leaped onto the pendulum when it swung away from it. Once on it he lurched his body the opposite direction of its swings until finally came to a stop. At that point he fell down onto his back. He felt as if the entire room was spinning after his little ride.

"I really should just invest in PENDULUMS OF DOOM with an off switch." Kickaha muttered. He lay there for a few seconds before remembering the traps outside. Getting up he quickly ran out the house aiming to fix the trap doors in the roof. As he approached the wall of the house he heard a snapping noise as he remembered the catapult. "Oh, fleas." He had just enough time to realize he had messed up before he was flung over the horizon where he landed somewhere in the woods.

One taxi ride later Kickaha was back at the house. Now that the catapult had already been set off, he was free to climb up the house to try to remove the trap doors. He threw his paw up over the edge of the roof as he started to climb... Only to feel his handhold immediately disappear as a trap door opened.

"Typical." Kickaha couldn't even be angry as he lost his grip and fell.

Several minutes later, a now-limping Kickaha returned to the attic to try to talk to the mice.

"Okay..." Kickaha winced clearly still in pain. "So there were traps. But they're gone now. I think that after going through all that I earned at least the benefit of the doubt."

"You may have a point." The blue caped mouse replied. "We watched you as you did it... And if nothing else after watching you walk into your own traps three times in a row we've concluded that you're not a threat."

"Thank you. I'm glad we're now on the same- HEY!"

"But you must know if you're hoping we'll leave this attic you might as well give up." The mouse continued. "Our family has been here far longer than those humans."

"I dunno, those humans seemed pretty old." Kickaha mused. "Just how long have you guys been here?"

"For your information I am Raina King the 24th. I am the guardian sworn to protect my people in this attic like my mother before me, and her father before her, and his father, and his mother, and so on back until Raina King the 1st made this our home."

"Okay... Twenty-four generations. Maybe you have been here longer," Kickaha admitted. "But wait--why are their new holes chewed into the roof then?"

"They recently had repair work done to the roof." Raina explained. "Our old entrances were covered up so we had to make new ones. Granted, it has been some time since we had to do such things. It's no wonder we were clumsy and sighted by the humans who live here now."

"Ok I get that, but you can talk." Kickaha pointed out. "Have you tried talking to the humans?"

"Of course we did that the first time they tried to use poisoned food on us!" Raina stamped her paw down. "But they can't seem to understand a word."

"Hmmm I suppose that makes sense." Kickaha nodded. "Humans can't even learn all the languages their own species speak. I imagine it's rather difficult for them to learn the tongues of other races too. Especially when they haven't had the advantage of having been the other races."

"Wait are you implying that you were a mouse once?" Raina tilted her head and stared at Kickaha.

"NO! NOT AT ALL!" Kickaha objected. "I am not now and have never been delicious!" There was a shudder through the mice as he said that. "But look! I've learned to talk to humans! Maybe... This is all just a big misunderstanding! I'm sure we can work things out!"

"So you're going to try to talk to them for us?" The mouse asked.

"Of course not!" Kickaha looked appalled. "Humans don't do logic! Talking is clearly not on the table."

"But you said you can talk to them..." Raina seemed disappointed.

"I never said they would listen!" Kickaha responded. "No, what we need is some kind of harebrained scheme that tricks them into doing the right thing." He rubbed his chin as he thought. "I don't suppose that if I just turned them into mice, you'd consider just letting them join your group?"

"They tried to poison us."

"Fair enough." Kickaha continue to rub his chin as he tried to think. "Maybe we could scare them out or... AHA! I have an idea! GHOST MICE!"

"Ghost... Mice..." Raina stared at Kickaha in disbelief.

"Ghost Mice!" Kickaha nodded. "It's perfect! I'll just convince them they don't have a rodent problem! Their house is just haunted! That will solve all the problems!"

"You're... You're serious aren't you?" Raina's jaw hung open as she stared at him.

"Look, it's very simple! Since their house is haunted, there's nothing that can be done!" Kickaha grinned. "And for bonus points I can probably convince them that the only way to stop the haunting from getting out of hand is to leave routine offerings of food to appease the vengeful rodent spirits."

"This plan is completely insane and bound to fail in a spectacular way." Raina shook her head. "But I have to admit... I kind of want to do it just to see how bad it goes."

"Great!" Kickaha wagged his tail. "Then you just have to do creepy ghost stuff and stay out of sight to seal the deal!"

"Creepy ghost stuff?"

"Come on, do I have to spell it out!?" The foxyote threw his arms up in the air. "Move objects around the room. Turn lights on and off. Leave passive-aggressive sticky notes on the fridge! It's simple."

"Uh sure, we can do that." Raina shrugged.

"Great! I'll go give Them the good news!" With a flash of a smile Kickaha strode out of the attic to go find Them. Once he had both the male and female Them together he sat them down in the living room.

"What is this all about?" The female Them asked.

"I'm afraid I can't fix your mouse problem." Kickaha started.

"I knew he was some kind of fraud!" The male Them shouted. "We never should have hired someone who didn't wear pants!"

"I don't think that even came up before now..." Kickaha muttered. "But I assure you no person who wears pants is smart enough to solve this problem! For you see... You don't have a mouse problem. No... The real problem is that... Your house is haunted."

With that the lights began to flicker on and off. A book was suddenly flung across the room and landed in a punch bowl. A sticky note with the word 'Hi' and a drawing of an angry looking smiley face slid out from beneath the couch.

"Ugh, I said on the fridge..." Kickaha whispered under his breath before returning to the people. "So as you can see! Super haunted! Nothing to be done! Best I can recommend is placing an offering of cheese and peanut butter in the attic once a month for-"

"HOGWASH!" The male Them shouted.

"W-what?" Kickaha's ears flattened.

"I'm afraid he's right dearie." The female Them spoke. "If this were a real haunting it wouldn't have such a good sense of dramatic timing. Instead all the weird ghost stuff would have happened after you left and we failed to believe you."

"But I-" Kickaha tried to come up with an excuse. This was unfair! They were using logic!

"You're clearly some kind of con artist!" The male Them shouted. "I bet we don't even have mice! It was all just a trick to make us buy expensive mouse traps... And ghost mouse traps! Well I see through your tricks! Out! Out of my house!"

"But! But!" Kickaha paused. "Wait. You agree there's no mice. Does that mean I still get paid?"

The response he got was a swift boot to his rump as Kickaha was sent flying out the front door and skidding across the yard.

"Rude." Kickaha stood up and brushed himself off. At least he had... Halfway succeeded. Sort of. The Them didn't seem to think their mouse problem was real so they should leave Raina and her family alone for now.

But Kickaha hadn't gotten dinner or money out of this!

"Figures." Kickaha kicked his paw at the ground. Clearly for his next scheme he'd have to go back to his old tactics. Hard honest work was simply too hard, too honest, and too much like work.

The End