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A Halloween Tradition

By CalexTheNeko

It had been a long night. There had been incidents with faeries, werewolves and even dragons. Then just when everything seemed like it was back to normal, the normally almost middle aged foxyote suddenly found himself a mere kit of six years. These weren't unwelcome events. Things like this were why this night was the highlight of the year for most tricksters! Well... This night or April 1st. But that day was for amateurs. Kickaha was a professional.

And that professionalism was why he couldn't quite call it quits yet. Most people finding themselves back in kindergarten might be deterred from their current behavior. These were the kinds of quitters who went on to live very successful lives because of knowing when to fold 'em. This was however not the path the foxyote followed. No. He couldn't let the night end with someone else getting the last laugh. He had to do something! Besides. He was already the appropriate age. He might as well have a little fun trick or treating.

It didn't take long to design a costume. Which was to say it didn't take long for Kickaha to adjust his normal green cloak for his smaller size. At first glance the uneducated might assume Kickaha dressing in his normal mage cloak did not in fact qualify as costume. And finding out who expressed that specific opinion was a good way to find out who didn't have an eye for art. Kickaha's costume wasn't that he was dressed up as some kind of trickster wizard who would place curses on you. His costume was that he was pretending to be a kid dressed up as a wizard. The fact that he actually was a wizard and not a kid pretending to be a wizard was what made it work on so many levels. It was very postmodern.

The only thing he needed now was a bag to carry his candy in. That was easy enough. A certain visitor of the night he encountered earlier had left his bed sheet costume behind. That made for a more than adequate sack for carrying around his sweet loot. Now that everything was in order it was time to begin.

The plan was a simple. He was going to follow a traditional Halloween prank. He'd go door to door asking for candy like a normal child. The demand was very straight forward after all. 'Trick or treat.' Therefore if someone didn't give him a good treat they had agreed to a trick. The 'trick' and the 'treat' are both equally valid parts of the proposal. In fact, if they didn't give him a decent reat Kickaha was obligated to trick them. It was practically his civic duty! The fact that it was fun was just a bonus.

And so he picked his first house carefully. It was the house of a certain well off dentist. Most kids knew this and purposely skipped this house every year specifically because of that. And so Kickaha chose this house first because he was totally giving them a fair chance and not at all because he was purposely rigging the game against his targets from the start. Foxyote's honor.[1]

The foxyote worked his way up to the house. He knocked on the door and held out his bed sheet and gave a shout of "Trick or treat!"

"Why hello there!" The dentist Dr. Inelastic answered the door. For a Halloween costume the doctor was wearing his lab coat, goggles and face mask. That's right, Dr. Inelastic had dressed up as a dentist for Halloween. He had dressed up as himself! Who did that? Some people had no imagination. "Why what a cute little fox... coyote?"

"The educated term is foxyote." Kickaha flashed his best smile. It was a predatory one he reserved for rodents and people who handed out toothbrushes on Halloween.

"Ah right! Well I suppose you came looking for some candy then?" Dr. Inelastic asked. "Well you may be a bit surprised. You see I'm a dentist by trade-"

"I never would have guessed," Kickaha made his best effort not to roll his eyes. He was almost successful too.

"Oh yes! So I have a few opinions about candy on Halloween." Dr. Inelastic nodded.

"Oh?" Kickaha's tail wagged in anticipation. The moment he was waiting for was coming.

"That's right." Dr. Inelastic smiled. The moment of tooth had arrived. He reached into his coat where a number of toothbrushes and other oral hygiene products were clearly visible... And reached right past them grabbing a king sized candy bar instead that he deposited into Kickaha's bed sheet.

"WHAT!?" Kickaha's tail bristled in outrage at what he had just witnessed. A classic archetype and setup had just in a single moment been demolished.

"Come now! It can't be that surprising." Dr. Inelastic responded. "I don't get a long of kids trick or treating here so I can afford to buy larger candy to give out to the few who do come."

"But- but- but you're a dentist!" Kickaha threw up his paws. "You can't just give out candy!"

"I give out candy because I'm a dentist." Dr. Inelastic explained.

"That doesn't make sense!" Kickaha shouted. "This doesn't make sense! You don't make sense! STOP NOT MAKING SENSE!"

"You seem slightly upset about this..."

"YOU THINK!?" The fur stood up all over Kickaha's body. "Everyone knows dentists are supposed to give out toothbrushes on Halloween! You're ruining the stereotype for everyone!"

"I would do no such thing!" The dentist responded. "It'd be bad for business."

"What?"

"Oh yes!" Dr. Inelastic beamed. "I've been in Big Candy's pocket for years. See, us dentists, we love Halloween. Business always skyrockets right after when the cavities set in. It's like Christmas comes early for us! Then we get a second Christmas for Christmas chocolate."

"But that! That!" Kickaha paused. "Okay I guess that makes sense. But this is still off script. Sir, I'm afraid I must ask you to take the candy back."

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't understand." Inelastic tilted his head quizzically. "Are you saying you don't want it?"

"I'm six years old, I have no parents in sight, and I'm about to get in a massive amount of trouble. Of course I want the candy!" Kickaha flailed his paws. "But we have to do it right or there's no point! You can't just change the rules on the pact! It's not decent!"

"You are a very vexing child." Dr. Inelastic squinted.

"Yes that's good! Say more things that imply you look down on me!"

"But I don't want to!" Dr. Inelastic objected.

"Sure you do!" Kickaha removed the candy bar from his bed sheet and reached up to place it back into Dr. Inelastic's pocket. "You're a dentist! You guys live for this stuff."

"I mostly live for the money the profession makes me." The dentist muttered.

"Now! Now! None of that!" Kickaha crossed his arms. "I can see I'm going to have to teach you how to do this entire thing correctly from the top. First step. Stop acting like a professional right this instant and start acting like a 'professional!'

"I don't understand what you mean." Dr. Inelastic took one step back from the foxyote kit.

"Well obviously. That's why I have to train you." Kickaha explained. "Look the terms are 'trick' or 'treat.' He moved his forepaws to create air quotes as he said each word. "It's very simple! So when I show up what do you do?"

"Give you a treat?" Dr. Inelastic suggested.

"NO! NO! NO!" Kickaha responded. "See that's what you're supposed to do!"

"Then why are you so upset!?" Dr. Inelastic demanded.

"Because you're a dentist!" Kickaha thrashed his tail. Some people could be so dense. "You can't do what you're supposed to do! You're supposed to do the exact opposite! That way we can get the trick! You should give out toothbrushes or something!"

"But that would hardly fit the spirit of the season!" Dr. Inelastic held up his hand, balking at the idea.

"But part of the spirit of the season is that there must always be someone who goes against said spirit! If you don't try to ruin Halloween for kids everywhere you'll ruin Halloween!"[2]

"You have a talent for talking in circles." Dr. Inelastic slowly began to close the door.

"Sir, I'm a PROFESSIONAL at talking in circles!" Kickaha stamped his paw.

"Aren't you a little young to be a professional at anything?"

"Momentarily, yes." Kickaha crossed his arms as he conceded the point. "But you'll find that age is fleeting."

"That doesn't apply in this-"

"Trust me, it does." Kickaha shrugged. "Look, it's clear you're completely hopeless at this. So just this once I'll walk you through the entire thing. Let's take it from the top. Go ahead and shut the door and I'll knock again."

"Are you going to continue to stand here berating me until I play along?" Dr. Inelastic raised an eyebrow.

"Probably." Kickaha nodded.

Dr. Inelastic gave a heavy sigh. "Then I suppose I have no choice." He closed the door.

Kickaha waited. After about 3.8 seconds had passed he judged it had been long enough for the situation to be reset. He then reached up a paw and knocked on the door again. "Trick or treat!?"

The dentist answered the door. He looked the same as he did previously, except maybe a little more tired now. "Oh my a visitor?" His voice was completely flat. "And what do you want?"

"I love the lack of enthusiasm! It's perfect." Kickaha wagged his tail. "But your words are still too warm. You need to say something demeaning. Maybe go for some kind of backhanded compliment. You know, say something that sounds superficially good but clearly reveals your distaste for me!"

"You are really quite the character." Dr. Inelastic rubbed his temples.

"Now you're catching on!" Kickaha grinned. "Now then... Ask me if I want a treat?"

"But isn't that just going to put us back to where we-"

"Just ask the question." Kickaha narrowed his eyes. "And try to sneer at me while you do."

"Okay." Dr. Inelastic took a deep breath before he spoke in a slow and delayed tone. "Would you like-"

"Nope! Not good enough." Kickaha shook his head. "Look. I can see you're trying. I appreciate the effort. But your body language is all wrong. It doesn't scream haughty child hater."

"I don't hate children."

"But on Halloween you do!"

"Not really no."

"Look, will you just work with me!?" Kickaha had to resist the urge to thwack him upside the head. Working with humans was always so problematic. Even the most basic concepts of proper behavior escaped them. But what did one expect from a race that wore pants? "Just... When you ask the question, try sticking your nose up in the air."

"Very well." The dentist sagged his shoulders in defeat as he raised his head till his nose was in the air. "Like this?"

"Better." Kickaha nodded approvingly. "But a bit a higher! If you can see me out of your peripheral vision your nose isn't high enough! You need to act as if I'm completely beneath your notice."

"How I wish that were true." Dr. Inelastic raised his head even further.

"Ah see! Dry sarcasm! That's perfect! Exactly what we need for this situation!" Kickaha's tail was wagging again. Finally! He was making progress with this guy. "Now then, go ahead and ask me if I'd like a treat."

"Would you like a treat?" Dr. Inelastic was dripping with impatience. Most of it was not faked at this point.

"Perfect!" Kickaha gave a thumbs up. "I knew you had it in you! Alright then! Yes I would like a treat!"

"Very well." The dentist reached back into his coat and retrieved the candy bar again. He slowly reached out to drop it into Kickaha's outstretched bag.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Kickaha shouted startling the dentist causing him to nearly drop it. "You can't just give me the treat!"

"But you said you wanted-"

"Of course I did! I'm the kid!" Kickaha couldn't believe he was having to explain this again! "You're the dentist! You should give me the exact opposite of what I want."

"So you want me to not give you the candy."

"Right."

"But I should do the opposite so that means I -should- give you the candy."

"What!? No!" Kickaha threw up his arms. "Stop trying to be a wise guy here! Look! The fact is simple. I'm a kid! And I want candy! That's why you have to thwart me! You're a dentist! The very reason of your existence is to dash the hopes of children!"

"I don't really agree on that-" Dr. Inelastic tried to protest.

"And I understand that! And on the other 364 days of the year that's fine! But this is Halloween and we have traditions to stick to! You are a dentist, and I am a child, and these are crucial roles that can't be tampered with! Now if you have any love for children at all you will cease your protests and start trying to ruin my childhood right now!"

"I just..." Dr. Inelastic tried to plead. "I don't even know what's going on anymore."

"Just follow the script." Kickaha sighed. "Look I'm not trying to berate you so much. I do this because I care! I just want you to be the best you that you can be by being the worst you can be."

"What do you even want from me!?" Dr. Inelastic almost screamed.

"Just give me the toothbrush and say something about candy rotting my teeth." Kickaha explained. "And then we'll be in the home stretch."

"FINE!" Dr. Inelastic was reaching the end of his wits. He grabbed the tooth brush and threw it into Kickaha's open bed sheet. "No candy for you! It'll leave your teeth as rotten as your mind!"

"Ohhhh! Good improvisation." Kickaha nodded eagerly. "Topical and mood-appropriate. Very nice. You really do have potential."

"Thank you?" With that the dentist lost all of his rage that was building. Now he was just left feeling confused then.

"Now then I believe it's my turn." Kickaha took a deep breath to get into character. Then the foxyote kit narrowed his eyes and stared up at the dentist. "HOW DARE YOU!"

"We're doing this now?" Dr. Inelastic asked.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Kickaha repeated. "I come here on the one night of year that kids can get free candy! And you do this to me! These are the most precious years of my life that I will never get back!" He then added in a stage whisper, "At least not until I run into a certain kitten again."

"But, but this is what you-"

"There will be no buts!" Kickaha held his paw up in the air. "For you have attempted to violate the most sacred pact that is the trick or treat! But you see your plan has failed! For the terms have always been trick or treat! And since you have failed to provide a treat that means you have selected trick! And now I am obligated to provide!"

"You're scaring me." Dr. Inelastic muttered.

"You should be scared!" Kickaha responded. "For you see! I am not a mere child playing dress up as a wizard! I am actually an all powerful[3] wizard playing dress down by disguising myself as a child playing dress up pretending to be an all powerful wizard!"

"What?"

"Basically the short of it is you broke the rules." Kickaha explained. "And now you're cursed. Sorry, I didn't make the rules. I just blindly enforce arbitrary elements of them with no regards for consequences. Mostly because it's a Halloween tradition." With that the foxyote kit snapped his fingers and a crackle of energy surged through the air.

Dr. Inelastic began to change in an instant. Coarse brown fur began to grow in over the dentist's entire body. His clothes and coat began to sag on him as he started to dwindle in size. He opened his mouth to ask what was going on but was cut off as his face pushed out into a round muzzle. A long thin object pushed out from the tip of his spine. It forced his pants down as it grew in length, forming an almost perfectly flat but sturdy tail. As the dentist struggled to free himself from his now oversized clothes his new claws clacked against the wood of his porch. After a few moments he was left standing now even shorter than Kickaha as a lair pair of buckteeth grew out from mouth.

"What, what just happened!?" He demanded.

"Since teeth are the only thing you care about I thought you should spend the rest of your life as a beaver!" Then he added under his breath, "Well the rest of this night at least."

"WHYYYYY!?" The former dentist now beaver looked around him. He was left trying to stand on his hind paws dressed only in his oversized coat.

"It's just how this goes." Kickaha explained. "Dentist try to ruin Halloween, but karma always catches up with them every time. That's how it always goes."

"But I didn't try to ruin Halloween!"

"Actually you came closer to ruining it than anyone else ever has before!" Kickaha explained. "That's why I'm afraid I had no choice but to dam you with this curse!" He flashed a wide smile with this remark.

The beaver responded by walking inside and slamming the door behind him.

"Everyone's a critic." Kickaha sighed. "By the way, is it too late to get that candy bar now?" He knocked on the door. "Hello? Come on, we finished the script so I still want the candy." He knocked again. There was no answer. "Oh fine, be immature about it. There are still plenty of other houses to visit." With a huff Kickaha turned away from the house. Hopefully the other houses in the neighborhood would be more accommodating to proper Halloween traditions.

The End

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[1] Always read the terms and conditions on a Foxyote Honor Pledge.

[2] See every spooky kid's movie ever

[3] Powers may be less than all encompassing