FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I wander, apparently lost in a warehouse. It reminds me a bit of the warehouse from Dairy Of The Dead, and is just as dimly lit. I struggle to find a door that will let me out, as most lead to other smaller rooms and various storage closets containing cleaning supplies and miscellaneous junk. I see a large clearing with blue light reaching down. I can see the dust of the warehouse glistening in the light, and it looks almost like falling snow. I walk towards the light, and as soon as I enter it, I hear a voice.

"This way." The feminine voice says in a soft and gentle tone.

I turn to look, but I don't see anyone. I hear the clicking of what sound like claws on the concrete floor, as though a dog were walking on hardwood or a sidewalk, but it sounds much heavier. I turn and see a feline anthro; a cat-girl with digitigrade feet with four toes and sharp claws, light brown fur covering her human shaped body, human hands, a long and somewhat bushy tail, short snout, long and brown human-like hair, pointy cat ears at the top corners of her head, and vibrant blue eyes. She has a pink feline nose and no whiskers, and seems to have human-like lips that curl up into a smile as she crosses her arms beneath her breasts, standing just opposite of me in the blue light.

She is very similar to the Khajiit, or the Ketlan race from my story The Seventh Realm. She wears a vibrant but dark blue tank top; I would call it cobalt blue. She has a skirt that seems to be a dark gray or charcoal black, but I can't tell, nor do I remember completely at this point. I admit that in real life, I think I have a picture of this girl, or one nearly identical, among my collection.

"Who are you? Where am I?" I ask her.

"You know the answers to both of those questions." She replies.

"You do look familiar..." I admit.

She walks over to a shelf and leans backward, arching her back and resting her elbows against an empty shelf. She juts her chest out, and I can't help but gaze at her form, admiring her body. I look at the tuft of hair on her chest, and think about how cute she looks. I suddenly realize what I am doing and avert my eyes as though I were not interested, but she has been watching me the entire time, and chuckles.

"Why are you so afraid to admit that you like me? Is it really that bad?" She asks.

I turn back to her and sit on the floor, my body angled so that when looking straight ahead, I am not looking directly at her, but past her.

"It's not normal." I say to her in a soft and quiet voice.

"Who decides what's normal?" She begins, stepping up to me. "You've been like this since before you hit puberty, remember?" She asks as she sits on the floor next to me.

Brief background: I admit that I know what she is talking about: While in the 4th grade our teacher played a movie for the class at the end of the day. She claimed it was because we were good, but I think in retrospect she was just feeling lazy, or had something else to do on the phone in the office; possibly a personal crisis of some sort. Regardless, she played a lame Disney movie with a family of mice, and it was a musical. I hated every second of it, but there was a character who appeared in this movie that immediately attracted my attention, in an almost purely physical way.

As I was 8 or 9 years old, I wasn't sure what I was feeling, but as an adult I can say that I had both a romantic and physical attraction to the depressed teenage mouse girl who was singing a solo in this movie. She was drawn an anthro, with a human figure, noticeable bust, and skimpy clothes. I couldn't help but stare for every second while she was on the screen, but wasn't interested whenever other characters were on screen. When I went home, I thought about that mouse girl for nearly a week, unsure of what I was feeling. I became self-conscious about it. I managed to forget about it.

About a year later, however, I saw what I think was a rerun of the Animated Star Trek series from the 1970s. When Lieutenant M'Ress, the Caitian (read: anthro cat girl), was on the screen, I was extremely intrigued.

Back to the dream: I felt ashamed of myself for looking at this cat girl and turned my head away. She reached out a hand to me and gently set it on my left leg, near my knee.

"It's okay to like me... Admit it, and I'll show you the way out." She urges.

I turn my head to her and I feel as though my skin were covered in greasy oil and dirt. In my mind, I think that it's bizarre and abnormal, but as I look to her, I can't help but glance over her figure and her face again; she appeals to me the way a supermodel would appeal to most "normal" men.

"I... Like you... A lot..." I say, as though I am expecting to immediately be humiliated.

She smiles and leans forward. She gently kisses my cheek and looks at me with a pleasant smile.

"Just be who you are." She says as she stands to her paw-like feet.

She reaches out a hand to me. I look at her hand for a moment, noting how her tail sways gracefully behind her legs. I take her hand and stand up, and she leads me into the darkness, just beyond the blue light in the middle of the warehouse. I can barely see her reach for a door that I can't even tell is there, and she pushes it open. On the other side of the door is a beautiful field and bright, vibrant light that warms my skin. I still feel as though there is something wrong with me, but she turns back.

"Maybe it would be considered wrong if I like you too, but that wouldn't stop me. Don't deny who you are inside." She says to me.

Holding hands, we step though the doorway, and I wake up.

Self-analysis: I can easily guess that this dream is about as blatant a message as my subconscious can send to me, telling me that "Yes, you are a furry. Stop hiding it and glossing things over, and just admit that you are a furry and get on with your life." Growing up with a strict Christian upbringing, I always felt like having these thoughts and feelings was tantamount to being homosexual, trans or even a zoophile. When I was about 13 back in 2003, I used the internet to discover websites like e621.net and I realized my peculiarity in full, but I hid it.

I never wanted to admit that since I had access to the internet, I was collecting images of them, and that I have been a closet furry since I can remember even being interested in women. The one time it was discovered by a friend, they broke contact immediately. I went from 2003 until 2017 lying to myself, and have even openly hated furries in the past; In conversation I was outspoken in my distaste, but only because I hadn't come to terms with it, much like the bi/homosexual father in the film American Beauty. I don't know if I was born like this, or if I saw things that changed me, but that's just how it is.

Also in retrospect, it wasn't until I really listened to the song "Balance" by Mutiny Within, focusing heavily on the singer's British accented monologue, that I really thought about coming clean; I had the dream shortly afterward.