A Hairy Problem
It was the night of a new moon and the cloud cover overhead only added to the darkness by preventing what little light the stars could provide from being seen. No insects chirped and no owls hooted. Nothing prowled the shadows of the night at all. Silence as profound and as deep as a freshly dug grave hung over the land. A chill breeze wafted through the leafless trees to lightly stir the plants growing wildly in the fenced off area. Rusted wrought iron stood a silent vigilant guard over the stone markings resting amongst the tall weeds underneath the trees. Positioned in various angles of relaxation the tombstones gave mute evidence to the age and lack of upkeep of the graveyard. A squeal of hinges that could not remember the last time they had moved heralded the stronger wind that bullied the breeze into finding somewhere else to play. The branches of the dead trees waved goodbye to the friendly breeze and voiced their farewells in a clattering of frozen wood. Winter deadened grass and weeds bowed in sorrow as the breeze left knowing the wind that followed would only torment them with its biting cold.
Moving among the stones as if it were full daylight a shadowy figure walked through the graveyard. Only he knew his destination and with no one around to tell it to he kept the information to himself. With sure strong strides he moved from the small head stones to the monuments of the older graves in the middle. He had a very particular spot in mind for his visit on this night. A spot he had frequented numerous times in his existence whenever the need arose. In the exact middle of the graveyard four monuments surrounded the small area he now entered, each of them positioned at a compass point to the block of stone in the middle. The shadow paused to view the scenery just as it did every time it came here. At the north point depicted a man wearing a long flowing robe surrounded by corpses. The hands were held out to either side of the body like they were holding something long and narrow. Long fingers, thin to the point of being skeletal, gracefully curved around empty air with fingernails that looked more like talons. A face could be seen within the hood of the robe but it was not one that most would look at for long. The skeletal face with its rictus grin and hollowed out eyes were held up by a neck so thin the shape of the individual vertebrae could be discerned.
At the western point the statue showed a man wide of build and abounding in strength. The sleeves of the robe were bunched at the shoulders as the arms were thrust skyward. The beefy hands were also depicted to be holding something no longer there in their strong grasp. Downward cast eyes looked upon the bodies lain at the statues feet without remorse. Surrounding the feet of this statue were the hacked and mutilated bodies of the slain. Each body had been positioned so its face could be seen by the person looking at the stone work. No two were alike in any way be they young or old, fat or thin. The only thing each face had in common was the pain they had suffered from the wounds done to their flesh. The eastern compass point held a statue formed to show something that was not human. The bulging eyes surrounded vertical slits and were positioned underneath protruding ridges that gave the appearance of twisted horns laid against the skull to look like eyebrows. No nose was evident, only two semi-triangular orifices with ragged edges. Its lipless mouth barely contained the prominent fangs erupting at odd angles from over developed jaws. This statue wore no robe but was encased in mismatched pieces of armor. Gashes and dents could be seen on every piece revealing damaged skin underneath. With one arm canted back over its shoulder and the other held parallel to the ground in front of the body one could easily imagine the items the hands had been shaped to hold.
South contained a figure almost as gaunt as the statue at the north point. Where the first one gave the impression of skin barely covering the bones underneath this piece portrayed weakness in the wasted arms and gaunt face both covered in thin flesh under paper brittle skin. Eyes that were merely sunken stared hard and cold towards the desiccated forms at its feet. Distended bellies hung from the stick figures that raised their arms in supplication towards their cruel tormentor. Weeping sores covered the naked forms and toothless maws cried out for mercy. Held over their heads were the hands of the robed figure with the palms facing upwards. Both arms were held at slightly different levels as if one hand was supposed to hold something that was heavier then what the other hand should have held. These pieces of statuary could not have been crafted by human hands. The detail involved was too incredible to think that was the case. The four statues appeared more to be living artwork frozen in the perfect pose. Each tear looked like it could resume its course down the face of one of the tortured figures at the feet of one of the four guardians at any second. One could almost expect to hear a moan or a scream pick up from where it had left off however long ago. If one wanted they could reach into the hooded cowl of north's statue and wrap their hand around the neck and feel the muffled edges of the spine underneath the skin. If one could gather up enough courage to do so that is.
The granite slab, however, resembled a new and unused altar with edges that looked sharp enough to cut. Completely unadorned it looked out of place sitting in the middle of the masterpieces surrounding it. It was as if the sculptor had poured all of his imagination into the other four works leaving nothing for the fifth piece of stone. If this was indeed the case then maybe the sculptor was also responsible for the circle of bare earth that surrounded it. Possibly trying to accentuate the contrast between what was inside the circle compared to what was outside of it. Nothing grew around it, nothing could. There were not even the shriveled leaves or wilted petals of the dead trees or flowers inside the circle of dirt. If one were to watch the travels of a single brittle leaf as it was pushed around by the wind they would see that withered piece of flora work its way around the edge like it was caught up against a wall. The figure stood at the edge of the grass and looked at the stone slab for a few minutes before unfurling his wings and lifting himself up off the ground. Only a couple of flaps were needed to get him to the top of the block of stone. Landing on it gently he tucked his wings behind his back and sat down. He had tried to step into the circle of topsoil only once when he first found this place and knew better than to ever try it again. Walking up to it as boldly as he approached everything else he had barely touched the dirt with his boot when he had been seized and held still by the power within the circle. Luck had been with him that time since he had been unbalanced enough to fall backwards thus breaking contact between his leg and the dirt. Recalling the scene with a chuckle of embarrassment Mr. Lordi counted himself lucky a second time since no one had been around to see what had happened.
Crossing his legs he let his arms rest on his thighs and closed his eyes. A tingling ran over his skin while he sat feeling like the tentative touch of hundreds of spiders crawling underneath his armor and over his skin. Sighing in satisfaction a small smile pulled his lips upwards. He came here as often as he could because the power he felt kept everyone and everything else away. If he wanted to be alone for a little while here was the place he could do so with the absolute assurance he would not be disturbed. At least he would not be disturbed by anything unlike him and those with him. But since they did not know of this place it was unlikely he would have his peace and quiet interrupted by anyone he knew. And since he had never been disturbed before he felt fairly confident it wouldn't happen anytime soon. He let himself relax even more and he placed his hands palm down on the stone and felt the tingle become a pronounced buzzing. Lordi shivered a little in delight at the effervescent sensation massaging away the tension he felt. It was then that he felt something tap him on the shoulder. He decided to ignore it hoping it might have been something the wind had picked up. He knew better though since it would be almost impossible for something blown by the wind to hit him twice in rapid succession let alone be blown across the circle. So when the tapping came a second time it came as no surprise. Irritation rose within him and he opened his eyes to see who dared disturb his meditation. As soon as he saw who it was standing in front of him his eyebrows shot up in surprise.
Standing before him or rather floating in front of him was a cat. This cat looked like any other cat with black fur a tail and two ears. However that was where any and all similarities ended. To begin with this cat walked on two legs instead of four. It also had hair on top of its head and was wearing clothes. The hair was long and as black as the cat's fur and moved easily in the wind. It wore a double breasted pinstriped business suit like mafia gangster in a movie from the 1930's. Over the suit it wore a leather trench coat adorned with all manner of decorations. The collar was completely studded as well as the long lapels and had spikes inserted between the studs in the pattern of a pentagram on one side. The spikes on the other side formed the shape of a skull. The left sleeve featured a leather band just below the shoulder that held chains which led down to another leather band just above the elbow. Both bands were spiked where it wouldn't ruin the leather and was bare where it would. The elbow itself was bare of any attachments but the lower arm also had the same design as the upper arm. The upper arm of the other sleeve sported leather bands as well but instead of chains connecting them to each other spikes ran in rows between them. The leather bands themselves featured larger spikes than the other arm. Below the elbow Lordi saw undecorated leather on the underside of the sleeve while a criss-cross pattern of spikes and studs ran down the top of the sleeve to the wrist cuff. In the empty spaces chromed diamond plate in the shape of pyramids set bottom to bottom against each other had been placed. The boots that the trench coat partially covered looked like motorcycle boots with razor wire strung in the arches instead of the typical chain he had seen other people use. The wire had been twisted and braided neatly and was thick enough to be put to use in a fight. All the decoration contrasted oddly with the unadorned front of the trench coat. Keeping the front of the jacket bare may have served a useful purpose but it made the jacket look incomplete.
He knew his visitor had to be something out of the ordinary besides being a Looney Tunes on L.S.D. reject otherwise he could not have found this place. There was also the fact that he was still floating in front of him. It was not something most anything of a more normal persuasion could accomplish.
To his credit the newcomer had the good grace to look slightly embarrassed about his intrusion. "Hate to bother you man but," the cat said in a slightly high pitched voice.
Lordi looked into the cats eyes and interrupted him. "Leave me alone." The simple statement took the black feline by surprise and he stood silent for a moment. Opening his mouth he started to speak again only to be cut off a second time. "I am trying to relax by myself. I don't get to do this very often. Having someone else around means I am not alone."
The cats eyes narrowed slightly and a smirk twisted his lips. "Two someone's actually." Giving Lordi the once over as well the stranger continued to speak. "I'm tracking someone and I think it might have adopted you as a hiding spot.
Taking quick stock of himself and what he was wearing Lordi could not find any truth to what he had just been told. "You're wrong. There is no one or nothing else here besides us." He closed his eyes to resume his relaxation only to feel a hand patting itself up his right leg. Angered by the familiar gesture he lifted his left hand off of the altar stone and whipped it in a hook in front of him. His fist caught the black cat directly on the cheek sending him spinning off to the side. Mr. Lordi opened his eyes and raised himself to a standing position on the stone altar. "If you ever touch me like that again I will rip your head off and beat you to death with it." The anger he felt was evident in the dangerous timbre of his guttural growl though he didn't bother to raise his voice in volume.
The feline did not have a chance to reply since it was still flying through the air. It was low enough to the ground that it bounced off of a couple of headstones hard enough to break them. This did not stop the cat from its unintentional flight but it did cause it to spin and wheel around more erratically. After a short while one of the winter bound trees was kind enough to be in the cat's path and it slammed into the trunk hanging upside down. Hitting the ground face first the rest of its body fell away from the tree leaving him bent over backwards and breathing dead grass and cold dirt. Letting gravity do its job the stranger let his body fall over and brought himself to his hands and knees. "Let's try this again," he said as he lifted himself to a kneeling position. Opening his mouth to speak again the cat's eyes widened and he made a loud gagging sound.
Mr. Lordi hopped off the stone easily clearing the bare earth and watched as the newcomers eyes and cheeks bulged alarmingly. Thinking he was going to be attacked he started to step backwards around the circle and reached for his battle ax he kept on his back between his wings. His surprise was complete when the black furred interloper slammed back down onto his hands and started heaving with even louder gagging noises that were actually starting to make him feel queasy as well. Stopping his retreat he watched the cat continue to heave and gag. Soon he could see something wet and slimy coming from its mouth. It was warm enough to start to steam in the cold air and looked as black as the cat's hair. As the pile grew the cat stood and backed away a couple of steps. It had closed its eyes so could not see the disgusted look Lordi was sending in its direction. Lordi also found himself chuckling silently at the pathetic expression on the cats face.
The pile of hair continued to grow larger and still it was being forcibly ejected from the cat's mouth. Another large regurgitation sent it back to its knees. Black furred hands were brought up in a quivering gesture of enraged helplessness and claws flashed from the ends of the fingers. It attacked the mass it was being forced to spew out and started to pull helping it along. Growls muffled by the foulness filling its mouth could be heard and the cats face clenched in anger. There was enough on the ground now for the two piles to have become one before the last of it was evacuated from the feline. Slumped in its kneeling posture the feline continuously gasped in air from its exertions. As its breathing slowed he raised his head with his eyes still closed. A snarl of pure rage deformed its face and it opened its empty sockets to stare at Mr. Lordi. Wings of white bone and roiling black smoke erupted from its back and dark power could be seen leaking from the outer corners of the withered sockets. "THAT IS IT!" the cat yelled as loud as it could. "He's somewhere on you and I'm going to get him back even if I have to strip you naked!"
Leaping over the pile of disgusting refuse the cat landed on the other side of it, planted its feet and launched itself at Lordi. Dodging out of the way with a simple step to the side Lordi brought his axe up and over his shoulder and slammed it downward in a vicious strike. Somehow his target twisted in midair and tucked its legs at the same time. As he passed Lordi he swung an arm out and tagged the demon lord on the back of the leg with his hand. Lordi's axe struck the ground and buried itself over three quarters of the way into the ground. Lordi felt several more slaps on his back and legs and kicked out with a foot behind him. He felt it connect and heard the grunt of his opponent. He turned around and backed up to give himself some room. The lack of a body at his feet preempted his next action so he looked up and saw the cat lying across the altar with his booted feet dangling just inches over the barren soil. Lifting himself fully onto the stone the bipedal feline stood up and turned around. The empty sockets seemed to blaze with anger and with a snarl the cat brought his wings into play and flew at Mr. Lordi as fast as he could in the short distance. Again Lordi sidestepped but spun in place and swung his axe around him. Catching his foe by the bottom of his boots with the flat of the blade Lordi pushed with all his might and added to the momentum of the demon cat's flight. He watched as the smaller figure took off like a rocket between two of the statues and towards one of the few headstones that were still upright. Somehow he managed to turn himself over before he blasted the stone apart with his head. Instead he tried to propel himself back the way he had come by landing on the tombstone and bending his legs to absorb the impact. The force of his landing and his attempt to redirect himself did not end with the result the furry foe hoped to achieve. As he flexed the muscles in his legs the stone snapped in half and his knees slammed into the remnant still stuck in the ground as he once again found himself face down on the ground.
Not waiting for his opponent to regain his composure Lordi rushed towards him with all his speed. He watched helplessly as his target blinked out of the way of his axe that ended up buried in the ground a second time. More touches were felt in front and in back and by this Mr. Lordi knew both of them had similar black strengths by how many times the hands came up against him. Moving away from the offending appendages Lordi decided to bring the fight to a quick close. Not holding anything back he brought his full power into play and ruthlessly attacked the cat. Unwilling to oblige the tall devil this black nuisance also stepped up his game to the next level. Both dodged and attacked the other with complete abandon. Grunts and slaps sounded out in the darkness in between the ringing of metal off of stone and the whispering rending of empty air. They jumped dodged, blinked and warped their way around each other. Both searching for a way to accomplish their separate goals in the shortest amount of time possible. So engrossed were they that neither of them noticed a small reddish gray imp with obsidian eyes and bat like ears sitting on the upraised fists of western statue. Rubbing one of its glossy black horns with a knobby knuckled hand it watched the combatants with a look of concern on its face. When the cat in the trench coat tripped Mr. Lordi and jumped onto him to continue his violent search for the unknown object of his quest the evil sprite jumped up and down in joy thinking things were coming to an end. Its celebration was premature as Lordi grabbed the cat by his throat with one hand and belted him across the face several times with the other. If either of them had been listening they would have heard some of the vilest swearing imaginable coming from the diminutive demons mouth.
The imp watched as the black cat let the assault continue as he continued to pat down his assailant. It noticed the clawed and furred hand hesitate then quickly lunge towards the front facing eye socket of Lordi's left pauldron. Before the hand could grab what it had found it was yanked away as the body it was attached to was thrown high into the air. Where the hand had been reaching for a small puff of smoke appeared. The tiny gremlin watched in horror as the body started to come down in the same trajectory it had travelled up in. "No no nononononononono!" It continued the chant to itself while jumping from one foot to the other in a dance that displayed it's agitation over how events had played out. "Poor master. Poor, poor Master Luke." It grabbed its horns and wrenched its head around in despair without taking its eyes off the battle below. The tiny tail coming from behind it curled and uncurled in one continuous motion. It still danced from foot to foot but now it was using its hands to try and flatten its head between them. It thought it saw another puff of dark smoke on the other side of the clearing and it stared at the spot for a moment longer. All of a sudden it stilled itself and the malicious grin it was famous for back home found its way onto its face. In a flash of black vapor the evil sprite vanished from the top of the statue.
On the ground Lordi readied himself for the final blow that would end this fight once and for all. Luke also readied himself for his next attack knowing he could not dodge the one aimed his way. The axe swung and Luke's hand came down in a blur of speed. Noticing a shape as large as itself on one of the tombstones beyond the statues the imp teleported to the one behind it. Jumping forward it grabbed the small shadow before it noticed him. At the same time Luke's hands met the sides of Lordi's axe in a ringing slap impossibly stopping its upward movement while at the same time keeping him suspended in air. The sound startled the imp and it almost lost its prize as it struggled in his grasp. Quickly intoning a squeaky phrase the reddish gray scamp bound Luke's target and kept it from escaping. Keeping a hold of the sought after nothingness the black hearted scamp teleported again. Luke continued to remain suspended above the axe while bringing a foot down towards the top of Lordi's head. Using the toe of his boot as an attack and a defense Luke slammed the steel in the front of his boot into the skull of the devil and used the force of the blow to push himself away from him. Mr. Lordi merely shook his head and stepped after him readying his weapon for another attack. "Stop! Oh stop please, please stop! Master I got it, I have him, here he is. Come get him." The ranting made both fighters stop and look towards the rambling hob. Keeping a wary eye on Mr. Lordi Luke watched it struggle with something unseen. Suddenly his face split into a huge smile and he ran towards the headstone without bothering to stay on guard.
Mr. Lordi raised his axe but let it fall back down to his side. More curious now then angry he watched Luke wrap a hand around the small demon and use his other to grab whatever it is that it was holding. "Itzlix you little brat!" he heard Luke exclaim. "I don't know what I would do without you!" Luke kept one hand clenched but gently opened his other hand to let Itzlix stand by itself. He then turned his smiling gaze towards his other hand and Lordi watched the smile melt off his face to be replaced with a grim scowl. "You might as well show yourself and tell me your name."
As Luke was talking to his seemingly empty hand Lordi walked over to look over Luke's shoulder. The small demon that revealed itself looked like the same exact type as Itzlix but was almost all colors of gray. Mr. Lordi cocked his head to one side. "This is who you were looking for?" Not able to resist a taunt Lordi asked Luke a second question. "This is the one responsible for making you puke up hairballs?"
Luke jumped a little at how close the voice was and turned around to look up at Mr. Lordi only to step back several feet. Lordi noticed the top of Luke's head barely reached the bottom of his ribcage. "This little son of a bitch thinks it's funny to play practical jokes on his boss!" Squeezing his hand Luke compressed the evil sprite until it squeaked in pain.
"Please no hurt don't hurt." Its words were a barely comprehensible screech. "Mizzalla I'm called. Sorry I am so sorry." The expression on its face was one of contrition but neither Mr. Lordi nor Luke was deceived by it both knowing the nature of demons as well as they did.
The look on Luke's face also showed a sadistic streak and he began to squeeze even harder. "Just take the damn curse off!" He growled at the small figure in his hand.
Mr. Lordi didn't see anything happen but heard Luke's sigh of relief. "If you're done leave so I can get back to my relaxation."
"Yah man whatever, no problem. Hey look me up if you're ever my way. I'd like to spar with you again without any handicaps. Names Luke, Lucifer Adams for long."
Lordi blinked at Luke in confusion for a second then shook his head as he caught the bad joke. "Just leave," he sighed painfully.
Without saying anything else Luke turned around and started to walk away. Mr. Lordi watched him depart and heard Itzlix's voice drift back to him over the distance.
"Would you love some muenster man? Gouda have some vaginal cheese?" Following the horrendous rhyming was a scratchy high pitched laugh and a tolerant sigh of long suffering.
Mr. Lordi turned around and started to walk back to the middle of the graveyard when he heard a disgusting squelch come from his foot. Looking down at his boot he could only see his leg from the middle of his shin upwards. The rest of it was buried in the humongous hairball Luke had regurgitated. The smell that assaulted his nostrils from the disturbed mass of sodden hair brought back the queasy feeling in his stomach. Feeling a rage rise alongside his gorge he lashed out with a fist at the closest he could find. With the crack of sundered stone a head snapped off the body of one of the corpses at the statue of War's feet. As it bounced among the tombstones in the graveyard Lordi pulled his foot out of the massive pile of slop and tried to shake the rest of the sticky clumps off of his boot. Two words rang out in the night full of anger and disgust. "FUCKING FURRIES!"