FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

**(A/N: This is my first attempt at a Furry story, so bear with me on that. That and it's my first anything on this site, so I'm getting used to the feel for it. This is just part of a whole story, so basically this is chapter 1. Just have to figure out how to get more than one chapter per post without having to create a whole new story. Need to find a Beta as well, but I'll work on that later.

Anyways, this is quite short for me in terms of how I usually prefer to write, but I wanted to get it out of my head as it's been buzzing around in there for awhile. So this is what I have so far, and hopefully I can get more out later on this week or so. No Yiff this chapter either, just a heads up.)**

_To think, I had it, right there in front of me. Like something out of fairy tale, or some damnable old Disney movie, then again it could have been akin to some cheesy romance novel. That is if I had allowed it, if I had just taken the time to do so. I can't really say I lost it, it's hard to lose something that you never willingly took for your own, can't lose a gift you never bothered to properly unwrap and claim.

Now, I'm left sitting here, the room dark, stinking of the cancer I've inhaled over and over into my lungs, the bottle next to me long since empty. I don't even get the comfort of the stars and moon tonight, seems even the clouds and sky want to remind me. Any other time, I would have kicked myself for being like this, I have never been one for morose behavior. Live, learn, get smacked around, and then just keep going, that was basically how I took my turn in life. It wasn't enough this time it seems, and I could feel the darkness that's been creeping at the edges of my mind working deeper and deeper.

I suppose I should just move on, take my hits with a grim smile, and limp off into the sunset. It isn't as if I have anyone else to blame other than myself, and at this point, it is that sheer fact that's doing anything but alleviate the pain. Another flash of dim, but piercing light as I burn another cigarette to life, letting the heavy and pluming smoke burn into my lungs. I muse for a moment at how much smoking feels like I am at the borderline of suffocation, but for me, at this moment, there is a strange comfort in all of that.

I watch the wisps of smoke dance in the small amount of light in the room, before they finally dissipate enough that I no longer can focus on it any longer. Even with all of the booze in my system, cigarettes in my hand and lungs, I still cannot rest, still cannot just pass out, dead to the world and my own mind. Instead I can only think of the past of where it all began. It isn't the first time in the past few weeks that I've found myself thinking about it, hell it's the only thing on my mind. Each time, I can plot along the timeline within my own mind where I went wrong, where everything started going downhill, and where I finally had forced us to reach the event horizon. Then finally as everything crashed down around me, he left and I was left to my own devices.

It had started so simply too, something that just slipped into place, sneaking up on me like a thief in the dark. By the time I had noticed what was happening, it was almost too late, I was almost lost to it. In retrospect, I suppose I should have just let it happen, but no, good ole Cailin the stubborn, the fighter, the goddamn idiot.

At the time I had been so glad to finally be away from the small town I had come from, finally going to college, and free of everything that holds you back when you're under the age of 18. Being a small town boy from some backwater town in Arkansas hadn't really prepared me for the city in the least. I hadn't really seen an Anthro or as they were commonly known as 'Furries,' before I went there.

Hell in my town, they were revered as sinful, or some abomination before God and his holy court. Though they wouldn't be the only thing, such a small, heavily religious and conservative town wasn't exactly open to anything other than 'normal' Christians. I had been lucky enough to be born with a questioning mind, and one filled with doubt, so I had never swallowed anything that came from some mythological book filled with great tragedies and miracles. Still I guess it's only fair to be honest, some of their views on things still had managed to seep into my mind, and it affected how I thought.

I was still leery of anything involving two people of the same sex together, despite the obvious fact that I knew I was one of those people. I never bothered with dating, I told myself and others that I wasn't interested in dating, I wanted to focus on my future first. I suppose in some ways it was true, in others it really came down to the fact that I didn't want to admit it to myself. Eventually, as I grew older, and before I finally left my hometown, I had admitted it to myself. It seemed so anticlimactic when it had happened, as if I was just being redundant by saying it. Even when I reached the city, though I knew it was true, it still shook me somewhere deep.

The other thing was the sheer fact of the Furries that roamed around the city like it was nothing. It had been since before I was even born that Furries were given the same rights as the rest of us. They had started appearing for no reason, born from normal humans, several decades before. They had endured a lot, and he supposed the older generations of Furries still remembered what those days were like, being treated as common beasts and pets, despite the fact that they held the same minds and hearts of humans. By the time I had been born, they were granted the same rights and privileges as everyone else, though both sides still held their grudges. The worst thing besides even being around Furries according to a lot of humans, was even associating with one willingly, let alone actually being friends or more with them.

Even before I had set foot into the city, I had already made up my mind about Furries. Hell if they were given the same rights, they couldn't be that much different from us, right? I was a firm believer in the fact that Furries should stay with Furries, at least in terms of romantic entanglements, and humans with humans. Birds of a feather and all that, at least that's what was in my mind at the time. It made sense that mixing the two worlds in such a way would cause nothing but trouble, and to me, Furries were a different species, equal to us, but a different species nonetheless and to intermingle in such a way would cause nothing but problems, not to mention it felt almost unnatural to me.

Even now I can remember, standing there on the first day of school, staring at the large campus with all of it's walkways, people, Furries, buildings, and the noise of people rising in the air. Standing and watching wondering to myself-_

*****

Where he was supposed to go. He scratched his head in an unconscious show of confusion, a side thought coming into his head as he remembered that his thick, dark brown hair was in need of a trim. He still couldn't see his bangs through his oddly bright blue eyes, but he could still tell that it was in need of it. At this point he was still torn between the fact that he had class to go to, and the sheer size and energy of the place he was in. It was like they had taken the energy of the city and slowed it down a bit, then crammed it into the campus.

Everywhere around him, people and Furries of all shapes, sizes, and colors roamed around. He watched what appeared to be a bright orange Fox giggling as she walked alongside a smirking white rabbit. A few humans sat in a circle, what looked like a Falcon or a bird of some sort sitting in the circle, looking as much a part of it as the rest. He continued spotting more and more of them in the crowd, and then something else caught his eye. Underneath a large tree sat what appeared to be a dog, a Husky of sorts, his arm around the shoulders of a very pretty and laughing girl, her naturally almost mocha colored bare skin in contrast with the light grey and white of his coat.

He had known that eventually he would come across something like this in the city, and part of him knew that he wanted to, his own curiosity dictated it. He stared for a moment, glad that the large crowd flowing on both sides of him gave him a sense of anonymity, so his scrutinizing was lost in the crowd quite literally. He didn't quite know what humans saw in Furries, or vice versa. He himself had never, at least for the few furries he had seen since he had gotten here the week before, found any attraction to them. Sure he could see where from an animal perspective they were good looking, but not from his own, at least not in the attraction sense. Plenty of good looking humans, including the guy who had just brushed past him and glanced back with a smile.

He smiled back, a bit hesitantly, he had just admitted to himself that that was how his mind and body worked, he wasn't anywhere near comfortable with it yet. So he just let him go on by without a word or a show of interest, though he didn't know if the guy was just being friendly, or was interested. His interest flickered back to the mixed couple under the tree again, and then back to the campus and back to them again. He would have stood there for quite awhile, he was sure, when a deep voice from behind caught his attention.

"First time here?"

He turned and almost jumped out of his skin as he saw a sizable Furry Wolf right behind him. His face shot with surprise as he was forced too look up to meet the Wolf's face. Now Cailin at just under 6 foot, wasn't exactly a short guy, but still this Wolf had a good five inches or so on him. It wasn't exactly a towering height for Cailin, but it was enough to make him look up. The Wolf stood with an amused, but patient expression as Cailin looked him over. He was dressed casually, jeans, large boots, and a long sleeve grey shirt pulled over his upper body. It was the first time seeing one this close, and he took note of the soft, yet thick jet black fur that covered his body, with the exception of the white around his paws....or were they hands? As well as the circles of white around his eyes that traced from there, thin white lines down his muzzle.

"Uhh....ye-yeah," he managed to stumble out as he looked at the Wolf.

A deep and throaty chuckle came from him as he looked down at the human, "you have the look of a freshman who's fresh from High School."

Cailin blinked, "do...do I?"

A small smile that bordered on a smirk came to the Wolf's face, "do I make you uneasy?"

He didn't blush, as he never blushed easily, but his face was both apologetic and sheepish, "I guess I just haven't you know....and you..."

"Ah," the wolf said with understanding, "small town boy?"

He gave a nod with the same apologetic look on his face, silently cursing himself for his rudeness. Whether or not his parents would approve of him even speaking to a Furry, he still had the need to be polite drilled into his mind. He was quite aware of how idiotic and to him, rude, he was appearing to be.

The wolf chuckled again, "ah well, you wouldn't be the first. Don't worry, I won't bite."

This time he did flush, "no, I mean...I know it's just....sorry."

Finally, the amused smile did carry an undertone of a smirk on the wolf's face, "Oh I know, I was giving you a hard time. Don't worry about that either, I take no offense. After having been here for a few years, I have gotten used to the stares of small town people. Even a few who were quite rude, at least you haven't spouted off some nonsense to me yet, unless you have a bible just waiting to be sprung on me."

He managed to recover himself a bit with a grin of his own, "no, but my parents would probably shame me for not having it on me at all times, but I don't really see the point, I have enough books with enough bullshit in them too."

The wolf actually laughed this time, "non-believer from a pond full of them eh? So that's only decorative eh?"

Cailin looked down where the wolf's clawed finger was pointing and knew he meant the silver cross around his neck, "ahh, well that's just sentimental more than anything."

The wolf shrugged, "fair enough," and held out his massive paw, "I'm Dyne."

Cailin looked a bit less uneasy as he took Dyne's paw and shook it with his hand, feeling the strength in the Furrie's grip, "Cailin."

Dyne smiled, "good to meet you Cailin, what class are you looking for?"

Cailin fumbled with his bag and pulled out his schedule and squinted at it, "uhhh.....Man, And The Evolution of It's Self....Room 206, Donsen Building."

Dyne nodded, "Psych major as well?"

Cailin looked sly, "no, but it's what I told my parents I was doing...I'm actually here for an Arts Major..."

"So why the Psyche class?"

Cailin shrugged, "it looked interesting, and I had a few credits to spare for this semester to blow."

Dyne laughed, "fair enough, well since that building is almost nothing but Psych classes and that's my major, I know it like the back of my hand, so I can show you the way around there if you like."

Cailin shrugged again, "better than wandering around like an idiot."

Dyne smiled, "well we can't have that, come on, it's over this way."

Cailin nodded, picking up his bag again and throwing it over his shoulder before following after the wolf, noticing the tail that hung down behind his legs. For some reason the presence of a tail on Dyne gave Cailin reason to snort and almost laugh, but he managed to hold himself back. Dyne gave him a questioning look and Cailin only gave a shake of his head to tell him 'nevermind.'

They walked the rest of the distance, which on the campus took about 15 minutes, since apparently the building was far at the back of the campus. The conversation had continued with relative ease, mostly inane and unimportant conversation. Mainly just talking a bit about the school and some of the classes, with a few witty comments thrown in here and there, or at least Cailin found them to be witty.

Dyne pointed to the building they had reached, "take the stairs right through that door and it should be the third door on the right."

Cailin nodded, "thanks."

Dyne waved a paw at him, "no worries, maybe we'll run into each other later."

A smile was given, "yeah, maybe, but I better get going."

Dyne nodded, "don't wanna be late, later man."

With that, they parted, Cailin into the building, and Dyne towards the outdoor seating area outside of it.

---

Cailin hadn't had much in time for thinking after he had made it to class, the professor had gotten right to the lesson. Even after all of that, he had to take hasty directions to his next class and dash across campus. The rest of the day had been busy as well, but thankfully he hadn't been slapped with much work to do after all was said and done. He had somehow over the course of lunch, managed to snag himself a friend, or at least the beginnings of one. At least he thought that was what she was getting at, she seemed quite insistant on being around him, despite the fact that he really didn't know what to say. So far he had gathered that her name was Alice, she seemed to have left her last name out of things so far, and was here for the same arts degree as his own. She wasn't exactly gabbing his ear off, but she also wasn't being silent, giving him his time and such to adjust.

He hadn't exactly had a shitload of friends back where he had come from, and so it was odd to have someone who took such an interest in him. It wasn't that he thought less of himself or anything, it was just he didn't have a lot to relate to with other people, or at least with those from home. Alice on the other hand seemed perfectly content with him, and he in his own way found that he liked having her around, even if it hadn't been more than an hour since he had met her. She had all but called him out on being gay, but took it right into stride and he'd been forced to do the same. She had only told him that she could just tell, being raised in a family with a handful of gay siblings, she had learned a long time ago to pick out any gay guy, no matter how impossibly deep in the closet that they were. That in and of itself was a comfort for Cailin, though he would never say so.

"Are you even listening?"

He looked up at her, "wha?"

She shook her head in exasperation, but was still smiling, "I asked if you were staying in the freshman dorms."

He blinked, "oh yeah."

She cringed, "I got an apartment off campus, a lot better than the dorms I hear...hey is that Dyne?"

He looked in the direction she was staring off at and sure enough it was the large wolf walking across the expanse of the broad area in front of them. He glanced back at her, "you know him?"

Alice snorted, "anyone who's been here long enough knows him, everyone and their parents wants to jump his bones."

He eyed Dyne and then looked back at her, "really? Didn't know everyone was into Furries in the city."

She laughed, hard enough to make Cailin frown, she shook her head, "you have a lot to learn I think about the city. Around here you fuck or date whoever you like, nevermind whether they have a few animalistic features, or some fur. Plus, Dyne's hot, with fur or not."

He shrugged, "I guess, just never had anything for the ones I saw."

She smirked, "that's your own taste then, it's just a shame that I-"

"Hello Alice, and...Cailin right?"

Both of their attentions jerked over to the wolf who was now standing near them, both of them giving a sheepish greeting, "spreading more gossip Alice?"

She rolled her eyes, "no, just showing the new boy around some more, telling him ALL about you to, since you are one of the main attractions around here."

He chuckled, "is that what you've started calling me? Hopefully you haven't told him everything, takes the thrill from everything."

Cailin shifted on his feet, starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation, until Dyne took his gaze down to him, causing him to shift again, "so finding the campus to your liking?"

Cailin nodded, "it seems nice, bit big, but it's better than podunk Arkansas."

This brought a laugh from the other two, and he found himself wondering what was so funny, "what?"

Dyne shook his head, "nothing at all, but hey, I always have a little get together for the first week of school, I'll be holding it at my flat on Friday night, you two are more than welcome."

Alice gave a mock gasp, "Dyne, one of the most famous students, having us, a lowly freshman and a just barely higher Sophomore over to one of his infamous parties? We're in such a fit of honor."

Dyen rolled his eyes as Cailin found himself unusually silent again, "funny Alice, your wit never fails to surprise me," he ignored her childishly sticking her tongue out at him, "but yes, lord knows you would love to be there since you've bugged me about it ever since last year, and I think Cailin could use a good time around here, get him a good feel for things."

Alice snorted for reasons that Cailin didn't understand, but looked up at Dyne, "uhh, sure..."

Dyne smiled so warmly that Cailin felt blood rush to his face, "good, and I'm sure I don't have to ask if Alice will be coming. Careful of that one Cailin, she's more than a handful and she'll get you into trouble."

Alice only smirked, "it's only trouble if they don't have fun doing it."

Dyne shook his head, though he smiled, "well you two have fun, and hope to see you Friday, Alice knows the way."

"Bye," the two said in stereo as Dyne walked off.

*****

I shift in the dark, finding that I had once again lost myself in the memories. Even now I'm finding that the minimal light of this room is too much for me and I manage to pull myself away from it, crashing onto the bed. It had been the first day I was thinking about, lost in, when I had first seen him. I didn't even know what was going to come from that point, hell I didn't even know what was going on within me at that time. I'm quite sure it was happening, even then, but rarely is anyone the wiser at that point and time. So much in such a short amount of time, yet it stretches on farther than it should in my mind.

I find myself wondering how he felt that day, not that I'll ever know the truth anymore, it's long since over with. He was always so cool, so calm and collected, smooth and always with the right thing to say at any given moment. It was no surprise that he was so well loved, so well desired. There was more to him though, more than what he had ever shown anyone else, and then the one person he gave a glimpse of that, wanted to share that with....

I sigh, turning in the bed and trying to burrow into the covers, I feel tired, exhausted even, and yet my mind doesn't sleep.

I stare at the ceiling for too long, finding myself wondering not for the first time, what had I done?