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Meanwhile at the lair of Dr. Callyco

"Bill... Bill... Bill... Bill... Ohhhh limited time offer! Bill..." Dr. Callyco sat at his lab bench as he was going through the day's mail.

"Wait... We get mail!?" Dr. Cutie Pup stared in awe at the kitten. "How!? From where! Where do they even deliver it! I mean this place is-"

"Is a super secret castle lair built in an unknown location outside the view of everyone and everything."

"Yes sure, that's what this place is." Dr. Cutie Pup rolled his eyes. "But seriously, how are we getting mail... Or bills for that matter! What bills do we even have? We're both minors."

"I dunno." Dr. Callyco shrugged. "I just throw them out without looking."

"I don't even know how to feel about that." Dr. Cutie Pup sagged his shoulders.

"What? Oh no! Oh noooooooooooooo!" Dr. Callyco flailed his paws around while holding one letter up in the air. "Dr. Cutie Pup... Of all the things that could happen... We have achieved the worst possible timeline."

"What is there a coupon not valid in our area?"

"Even worse!" The kitten displayed the letter he had just opened. "We have jury duty."

"... Again I have to point out, we're both minors." Dr. Cutie Pup crossed his arms. "We can't legally serve on a jury."

"You would think that..." The kitten shrugged. "But that new kangaroo run court doesn't seem to really care about who goes on the jury as long as they get results. It's kind of weird like that. Oh speaking of such things! Isn't it about time you introduce our new guest for the night?"

"Kind of an odd way to transition into it... But okay." Dr. Cutie Pup took a deep breath to begin. "Tonight our guest is Erakir! He's an Ivalice moogle with white fur and a blue pom and is basically ten feet of mischief in a three foot tall package."

"You make him sound like a trouble maker." Dr. Callyco smiled. "Is he really so bad?"

"Trust me." Dr. Cutie Pup smirked. "He's not the only one who's shown me that big trouble can come in small packages."

"Perhaps Erakir has caused some trouble in the past..." Dr. Callyco conceded. "And perhaps that past is about to catch up with him! Perhaps even earlier than to be expected. And so... We bring you our third tale. The Tale of Trial by the Fire."

Thirteen Karmic Tales

Third Tale

The Tale of Trial by the Fire

Erakir had almost managed to get a full five steps out the door before he suddenly found himself interrupted. It was a small red figure that appeared in a puff of smoke. It looked like some kind of tiny devil, but it wore a business suit, and glasses (or in this case a monocle as it had only one eye) and wore an expensive looking watch on its long barbed tail. The little demon thing was carrying a briefcase and very impatiently checked the watch on its tail as it arrived.

"Well that was fast." Erakir muttered. "Usually I get at least to the end of my driveway before the day's shenanigans start kupo." The moogle looked at the tiny imp of a demon. It was about as tall as a basketball was wide.

"Erakir Pompop?" The demon asked in a completely flat voice.

"I'm an Erakir Pompop kupo." Erakir replied."

"Good enough for me." The demon set his brief case down which just floated in the air in front of him. He quickly opened it up and produced a small stack of papers. "Please take these."

"Why?" Erakir asked as he grabbed them.

"And you have been served." The demon replied. With that he shut his briefcase and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Well... That was random. Even for me kupo." Erakir took a look at the papers he had been handed. It appeared to be a court summons. There was an envelope marked with the papers said to contain his court date inside. "Oh great what'd I ever do?" Erakir muttered as he ripped the envelope open-

And very suddenly found himself in a different location.

He was in a courtroom... But it was a courtroom that was located inside some kind of cave. It was surprisingly brightly lit... But that appeared to be because of a massive lake of fire that Erakir was now standing directly in front of. He had to take a step back just to avoid having the tips of his boots burst into flames.

"Hear ye hear ye!" A gruff voice called out. It was a massive gray colored demon that took up most of a cave wall. He was bloated both in height and width. He had clawed hands and feet, but he looked too heavy set to even be capable of moving them. He wore... or attempted to wear a judges robe but it looked more like a tie tightly stuck to his chest and shoulders. The tiny powdered wig atop his massive head didn't look much better. "The dishonorable Lord Beelzebub residing!" The demon managed to swing a gable (or in this case more like an enormous war hammer) down onto a tiny desk made from stone that sat in front of him. "We shall now began the trial of Erakir Pompop."

"Wait what?" Erakir asked. "Where am I and why am I on trial?"

"You stand among the Halls of Injustice within the Underworld." Judge Beelzebub explained.

"The..." Erakir paused. "Wait am I dead? I feel like dying is something I would remember kupo."

"You're not dead." The judge explained. "But we've found it's better to hold these trials when our subjects are still living. The dead... Well they tend not actually care that much. Because let's face it? What are we going to do? Kill them? So... We've started sending people to their eternal destination while they're still alive."

"That sounds completely wrong and made up kupo." Erakir crossed his arms. "And I'm pretty sure this is breaking some kind of rule. Somewhere. Probably."

"Oh no this is all done by the books." The judge smiled. "Each and every single person we have had stand trial in here has agreed to go through the process while they're still alive."

"Okay now I know that's a lie!" Erakir flailed his arms. "I never agreed to this kupo!"

"But didn't you?" The judge asked. "If I'm not mistaken... You play a certain popular online video game. Well... You did read the End User License Agreement and Terms of Service? Right?"

"What?" Erakir's ears flattened.

"Almost every Terms of Service in existence has a clause that you agree to have your eternal soul judged and sentenced while you're still alive. It's not our fault if you clicked 'I agree' without reading." The judge flashed a wicked grin. "Now as for your crimes you're here to answer... Bring in the prosecutor."

In a flash of smoke another demon appeared. It was one Erakir recognized. The small red demon in the suit with the watch on his tail. It was the same one that had given him the papers.

"You!" Erakir shouted.

"We have numerous incidents reportedly perpetrated by this one Erakir Pompop." The smaller demon began in his monotone voice. "We have evidence of several instances of abuse against other persons, changing their shape against the will, abandoning them when he gets bored. There are several counts of it, including an adorable fox. His complete disregard for other people is without question."

"Whaaaaaat!?" Erakir seemed genuinely shocked. "Khloe doesn't count as a person and you know it!"

"We also have counts of corrupting the youth and leading them down chaotic paths." The demon continued.

"Hey if you're talking about who I think you're talking about he was like that before I met him!"

"And of course most egregious of all. Internet piracy."

"The monster!" Beelzebub banged his warhammer down onto the stone desk. "Guilty! Guilty! Throw him into the lake of fire at once!"

"Wait but I haven't even had a chance to defend myself yet!" Erakir protested. "Didn't the trial just start kupo!?"

"I suppose you're right." Beelzebub conceded. "But I've already banged my gable, and that makes the sentencing official. Sorry, it's out of my hands."

"That doesn't seem very fair." Erakir whined.

"Welcome to the underworld." The judge shrugged. "Very well. Erakir for your crimes against all mortal kind... You are hereby sentenced... To an eternity! Of misleading and corrupting mortals!"

"But that's not-" Erakir paused. "Wait really? Isn't that the same thing I do now?"

"We can't deny you have a knack for it." The judge replied. "Now... Initiate the initiation!"

"So is that some kind of ritual? Or just a paperwork thing?" Erakir asked.

"Just this." Beelzebub swung his hammer down striking Erakir with it directly. Much to Erakir's surprise... He discovered he was not dead from the impact. Then again, if he was in the underworld maybe that wasn't surprising. What even happened if you died here? What was shocking though... Was that he hadn't been flattened or even injured from the impact.

In fact... He felt fine. Even a little better than he had before. But... The area felt breezier. That wasn't an entirely new sensation and as Erakir looked down at himself he confirmed what he suspected. Most of his clothing was now in a pile around him at his feet and far too large to fit him. About the only thing that had stayed on was his scarf. His body was different in shape and size now. He still had fur... But it was very thin and purple in color. His ears were shorter and rounder and stuck out of his head sideways. Two small curved horns came out of the top of his head. His tail had been extended into a much longer prehensile tail with a barbed tip. He could coil it around his entire body and it almost had a whip-like quality to it. His wings were... About the same size and shape actually. But since his body had shrunk they now felt a lot bigger on it.

"Whoa..." Erakir flapped his wings as he took off into the air. He was now about the same size as the red demon. "Well this isn't too bad." He spun in the air getting a good look at his body.

"Not bad? This form is meant to be an eternal punishment!" Beelzebub protested.

"But I'm fine with this." Erakir replied. "This little imp form is kind of nifty."

"N-nifty?" The judge gave a questioning look to the red demon who just shrugged. "Well... Fine then! But you still an eternity of punishment ahead of you! For now that you're one of us we have the worst punishment imaginable. Full time employment."

"So what? I trick a few mortals? Turn them into something fun?" Erakir stuck his tongue out. "Not much different from how things usually go."

"Oh... But you don't quite have the full picture yet." Beelzebub smiled. "Let's just say... This is a customer facing position." He lived his hammer.

"Wait what does that mean?" Erakir tried to ask but it was too late. The judge brought his hammer down and Erakir was suddenly in a new location.

He was now in an office cubicle. He was sitting atop several phonebooks in a chair so he could actually reach the computer in front of him. There was a phone next to him as well as a notepad. It looked almost ordinary... Other than the fact the cubicle and office was in another fire lit cave.

"Huh well... This is... Different." Erakir looked around wondering what he was supposed to do. Then his phone began to ring. He quickly picked it up. "Um hi! Erakir Pompop speaking?"

"Finally!" An angry voice sounded on the other end. "I've been waiting on hold for hours! Look I specifically said in my contract that I was allergic to long haired dogs! So... WHY AM I A LABRADOODLE!?"

"Oh no." Erakir looked around as he realized where he was. Other demons of various shapes and sizes were on the phones. All of them were apologizing to the parties on the other end and explaining how they had no idea what went wrong. He was in a call center. He was in a call center for the complaints department of the underworld. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Three Months Later

Erakir grinned wickedly as he pulled his skeletal horse drawn chariot into his marked parking spot. The purple imp slowly got out now dressed in a brand new tailored suit and his usual striped scarf. He took certain delight as he approached the cave entrance of the office how people became nervous and stopped talking as he approached. He worked his way into the office and past the flying purple people eater that was his secretary.

"Lavender hold my calls." Erakir spoke. "I have an important meeting."

"Of course Mr. Pompop!" The purple monster croaked. "Anything you say!"

From there he worked his way through the caves until he came to a large red door marked 'Lords of the Board.' Working his way inside he sat down in a large plush chair that left him unable to see over the table.

"Ahem." Erakir spoke up in an annoyed tone.

"Sorry Mr. Pompop!" A thin green colored demon with three eyes quickly ran up to the chair. He began to crank the handle on the chair till it rose high enough for Erakir to see above the table.

There were seven other demons about the table. All of them were bigger than the little purple imp. One of them was a gray one who took up an entire cave wall. He seemed a bit nervous. All of them were fidgeting until the speaker phone on the table came up."

"Hey there! How's my favorite lords of torment doing today?" A friendly voice spoke up on the phone. "So today's a big day! It's Erakir's big promotion to the Board of Lords! Oh... But we can only have seven. So... Who was he under? Beelzebub. Clean out your desk, you're fired."

"But I've been here for ten thousand years!" The gray demon cried.

"That's just another way of saying you're too old for this job. We need someone with fresh ideas. Someone who really gets people today. And I think Erakir here is our new rising star."

"Oh you're too kind Lucy." Erakir smiled wickedly. "I just remembered the ABC's of customer service. Always Be Changing."

"But your ideas worked! Automating our customer service department to an IVR has increased our inefficiency to levels we previously thought impossible!" The voice continued. "Here let me play back a recent call so you can all hear the results yourself." After that the voice switched to a recording.

"Hello." An artificial voice spoke. "Thank you for calling the Underworld's Customer Support Line. If you know the department you are trying to connect to please say so now."

"Curses." A male voice spoke.

"Ok! One moment please. Now... Before we can begin I need to gather a little bit of additional information from you. Please state the purpose of you call today."

"Remove curse."

"Did you say Redo Curse?"

"What? No! I want to remove a curse! You got the wrong one! I said my boss was unbearable! That didn't mean I wanted him to be a bear! I wanted to take him down a peg!"

"Okay! Thank you! As requested you will be taken down to a pig"

"No that's not! That's not what I-" At this point the man's voice became incoherent squealing and oinking.

"I'm sorry. But I am unable to understand you. Please state your question in simple English."

"Oiiiiiink!"

"Final warning. Please speak in a simple English or the call will be disconnected." This was met with more squealing. "Thank you for contacting your local Underworld. Have a nice day."

As the call ended there was a round of applause around the table.

"Well I mean..." Erakir smiled. "I just got tired of hearing them, so figured it'd be a lot easier if they couldn't talk anymore."

"Since we implemented Erakir's new automation system we haven't had a single call get through our systems!" The voice on the phone spoke happily. "And 100% of our dissatisfied customers have hung up stuck in new forms! I hope you all are paying attention... With our new little star I think we might finally be going places."

Erakir grinned and just sat there taking in the applause and praise. He had certainly adapted well to his new role. And he had some fun new ideas of what he was going to do next.

"Thanks for that Lucy..." Erakir began. "But I think it's time instead of waiting for the customers to come to us... We go to them. Let me tell you my plan." He could barely contain his excitement as he began his presentation.

The End