FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

SESSION 2

Bitter strawberries, floating people and falling snow

Client: T. Y. Age: 33

It's Monday. Noon.

You can sit on the beanbag if you like.

Yes, I will take care of it. Don't worry.

No, you don't have to do anything. It's okay.

Thank you for your notes. I see that you have answered the questions diligently. That's very good.

No, I really mean it. You wouldn't believe how many people only answer the first page and then skip the rest. You went through all of them. That shows me that you are thoughtful and willing to work with me.

You might think that, but I see you are ready. Otherwise you would not be here. That is a big step already.

I will listen. This isn't a quiz. There are no wrong answers. It is about what you feel and feelings aren't wrong.

On the list are a few questions dealing with how you compare your life to what you perceive the lives of the people around you to be.

You wrote that you believe you're less satisfied than other people and less happy. Can you tell me in what way?

I ... I don't really know.

It's difficult to explain. I think that I don't feel like I felt some time ago and it's confusing me, because I don't know why.

And I tried to think about it and I thought I should still be like I used to be, but I'm not. I don't know ...

Okay.

Maybe this is easier for you to explain if you try to think about it like describing this situation to a child. Try to use an example that illustrates how you feel and how you think you should feel.

Okay.

I think it's ... maybe it's like when you're trying to eat some sweet fruits. Like maybe strawberries.

But when you bite into them the taste isn't like it should be. It's bland and bitter. You remember the sweetness, but now it's just bitter.

And the bitterness lingers in your mouth. Much longer than the taste of the actual strawberries. It lingers for days or even weeks.

And it's not only with strawberries, but with all other fruits as well. And all sweets. Actually everything you eat. It all tastes bland. You remember how it used to taste like and you try to concentrate on the taste it once had, but it's just bitter. Everything is laced with this bitterness.

I miss the taste and I don't know where it went. I have no idea why I can't taste the sweetness anymore. And I want to taste it again. I don't want this bitterness, but it makes me not want to eat sometimes. Many times.

I'm not hungry anymore.

Do you remember when this first started? Is there an event you can tie to the emergence of this feeling?

I don't really know. I don't think so.

It happened slowly. I believe, maybe, when I graduated from university. But it wasn't like today. I felt somewhat aimless back then. I wasn't able to find a job right away and spent some time thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I think me not knowing what to do is the reason why I didn't find a job.

How was your situation during your studies?

Very different.

I studied computer graphics science, but I wasn't sure about that. I always felt that I wanted to do something different. Something "more", if that makes sense. It just didn't feel right to me. I wanted something, I don't know, something that's creative, maybe.

But I'm not a creative person. I can't write or draw or anything. I'm not even all that imaginative.

I ended up deciding to finish the graphic science program and to take a second degree in media science, because it's about media and I thought it's somewhat creative without requiring me to be artistic or anything.

I guess this doesn't make much sense.

Did the change have positive effects?

Well, I don't really know. That's the problem. I can't tell if it was the right thing to do or not. I just kept studying, even if I wasn't sure about it.

Keeping up working on the degree made me feel like I was accomplishing something. I had a goal, even if I didn't know if it was the right goal. It was_some_ goal and that was good enough, I think. Better than the alternative. I'm not someone who abandons something he started.

What would have been the alternative?

Disappointing my parents.

I moved away from home in order to be able to study something proper. I didn't want to drop all the efforts and the things they did for me and their help. That wouldn't have been fair.

I'm their first son. I have a younger sister and a brother. They both have good jobs and families. They do very well and I wanted to do well, too.

My parents weren't sure about me taking a second degree. They wanted me to find a good job instead, but they eventually accepted it. I told them that with two degrees I would find much better jobs. I told that to myself.

But if I'm honest, I think I just studied a second time because I didn't want to find a job. I don't mean that I didn't want to work, but I was afraid of getting a job. I feared that I wouldn't find the right one and that I'll do terribly. That I'm a failure.

I didn't want to disappoint my parents and I didn't want to disappoint myself. That's why I kept studying. Because I knew that I was good at that. I didn't disappoint anyone as long as I was studying.

Was this fear the reason why you spent some time after you graduated?

Yes. I spent half a year basically doing nothing. I had some money left and just spent my days thinking. That's basically the only thing I did.

My parents kept asking what I'm doing and I always said that I was preparing job applications, research and stuff. But I did nothing, because I had no idea what I wanted.

I felt more lost than ever before. I thought my time at university would give me direction and a better understanding of what I want in life, but that didn't happen.

After six months it became almost unbearable to put off my parents any longer. They wanted me to move back home, but I didn't want that. It was a terrible thought. I would've been around my siblings and their families. I would've been the outsider. The failure of the whole family.

It would've been the conclusion of a failed attempt at achieving something. Anything really.

And I panicked and looked for some random job in the city. To be able to stay here instead of moving back.

I found a job at a web design office. I was overqualified and the pay was bad, but I accepted, because it felt save enough. I wouldn't fail at a job this mundane.

I worked there for a while, without even noticing how much time went by. In the end it was four years, but they only felt like one.

I spent four years doing a stupid job I didn't like, but I didn't quit, because it would've meant I made a mistake after all. I tried to postpone this inevitable failure by just continuing whatever I did.

And I knew it was wrong having worked there for so long, wasting my time. Whatever I chose or neglected to choose, it was wrong. It was a dilemma.

And during this time the gloomy episodes started?

I believe so.

The people I knew from university found jobs and moved away. Eventually I was the only one left. There was nobody to talk to anymore. Nobody I knew.

My daily routine became so ... so stuck and lifeless.

I worked over ten hours a day and barely took a day off. Only if I was sick and unable to leave bed.

I never went on vacation. I took a pay rise as a compensation, because I had no idea what to do with a day off. I would've only sat in my flat, watching internet videos all day, eating and sleeping. There was nobody to do anything with. Nobody to go on vacation with.

I felt completely isolated and that's why I didn't want a day off. Such days made me feel terrible. I felt more useless and cut off than ever before.

Did you ever try to go out to find some new friends?

No. I have no idea how to do that or where to go. I'm not really a sociable person, as you might have noticed.

I just picture myself awkwardly walking trough the streets, like some stray cat, or going to a restaurant, sitting there all alone. Going to a club, alone, like a creep. I would feel like a complete idiot standing there, doing nothing.

I believe I've missed the right time. Back in high school or at university. I missed making friends who stayed. And now it's too late and I'm alone. If I was going out to find friends I'd be looked at as a creeper, an old weirdo who doesn't have anyone.

I don't want to go anywhere. Don't want to leave my flat. So I stay home. There I can be creepy and nobody's looking.

My flat and the office used to be the only places I stayed at. It was as if the rest of the world didn't even exist. I looked outside the window and felt nothing, as if there was nothing to see out there. Nothing to be found. Nothing for me.

I didn't really get in contact with the people at work either. We were colleagues, but that doesn't mean anything.

It's strange. Back in university I met people who had the same interests as me, the same goals and motivations and we could connect. We weren't just random people, but there was something that made us come together.

But colleagues. Colleagues are just people who're forced to work together randomly. There's no deeper connection. I felt no desire to talk to anyone at the office. I didn't actually know much about them and they knew nothing about me. I never felt a connection to them and no motivation to get to know them. I never went to company celebrations. I would've felt misplaced there.

I actually never felt as a part of the company. I wasn't really a colleague. I was just me, being placed in a foreign world and I felt like an alien.

Every day.

You spent over four years on your own. Without a friend or a person close to you?

Longer than that.

Those people I knew from university, well, we shared interests, yeah, and there was a connection, but we hadn't been friends, actually. We just knew each other.

I never had a friend there. But we did some things together. Studied together. Worked on assignments. I even went to a pub with everyone once. I think it was an okay time.

I actually liked studying with them. I felt like achieving something with people who had the same interests. They accepted me and I believe I liked them. I think, I like them much more now that they're all gone. It's strange.

I felt okay back then. At least not as isolated as after my graduation.

And before university? Did you ever have a close friend or a girlfriend?

No.

Have you ever kissed anyone you like?

No ... well there was this girl. Back in high school.

One day she just kissed me. I was so confused and had no idea how to react to it.

Then she wrote me these letters with drawings on them. I believe she liked me, although I had no idea why. It was the strangest thing.

I didn't actually care about her. To be honest, it bothered me and I didn't want her to write me letters or to be near me. I told her and she left me alone after that.

That was terrible of me, wasn't it? I'm not a kind person. I feel sorry about it today. But I still don't feel anything for her.

Almost seven years later I met her again by accident and we talked a bit. She told me about her husband who is a construction worker and her daughter who had then just been born.

I was happy for her, really. She had found a good person to have a family with. Better than me. I think it's good that I had said no to her. I wouldn't have been able to offer her anything anyway.

Was this the only time anyone expressed interest in you?

Yes.

And when was the last time a person hugged you? I mean a compassionate hug.

When I was fourteen, maybe. It was my mother.

How about sexual activities? Have you ever had sex?

No. Of course not.

And how old are you now?

Thirty-three.

This means it has been almost twenty years without anyone showing you affection. Without anyone touching you.

... yes ...

How do you feel about this?

It's ... well ...

It's okay. No, you don't need to feel ashamed about it.

... sorry ...

It's okay to cry. I see that it hurts you.

Yes. It hurts. A lot.

I ... I've been alone during my time in university and even more alone after it.

I kept working and thought I'd stop feeling this way after some time. I thought that it'll get better when I just work enough. When I have no time to think about it. When I have no free time to feel alone.

But it didn't get better. I always felt it. When I was alone at home. When I was sitting in front of the computer. When I was lying in bed. Even when I went to the park once. Especially there. I felt completely isolated amongst the people there. I felt lost and ashamed and I never went again.

I said to myself that being home alone was the right thing to do, because it prevented me from being out there, exposed, alone and awkward.

I hid away and it was very bad. But I couldn't do anything else. I didn't know how to get out there. I was trapped in my flat. It was terrifying outside and it was painful inside.

And I realized that there's nobody who wants me. It's been such a long time and there were many people around me and I never felt anything for anyone. I know they didn't feel anything for me. We just existed, drifting past each other.

I heard that sometimes good things happen and that you can find a companion when you least expect it. I wished to spot someone who interests me and maybe someone who thinks that I may be interesting.

But nothing ever happened. Nothing just happens. There're no miraculous people just stumbling into your life one day. There're only strangers who're floating past me. And I drift away as if we never met.

And I asked myself why people would even be interested in me and I realized that they wouldn't. Because there's nothing interesting about me.

I've been talking for half an hour or so and nothing I said is even vaguely interesting. And if, it's just interesting because of how stupid or tragic or petty it is.

I realized that there's nobody who loves me. Not nobody who_could_ love me, but nobody who would love me. Because there's nothing loveable about me.

I cannot give anything. I'm just some random guy who works at an office, who eats wrapped meatballs and lives in a tiny flat in some industrial apartment block and who sometimes cries at night because of how pathetic he is.

That's terrible. That's so petty that it's almost disgusting.

A guy who studied something meaningless and who's boring. Who just knows how to work, how to complain and yet doesn't dare to speak up. Nothing more.

I'm not pretty and not strong. I'm looking like a slob most of the time.

The mere thought of someone finding me attractive or wanting to be close to my body is bewildering and sad. It's very sad. I feel bad for whoever might find me attractive and I ask myself what's wrong with such a person. And it hurts to think about it.

But not being loved isn't the worst thing.

The worst thing is not being able to give love. I want to love someone. I really want to have someone I care about. I want to be there for someone, but I'm not right for anybody. I cannot give anything. I can only wish and cry as if it means anything. But it doesn't.

I thought about it so often. About nothing being lost if I wouldn't exist.

Nobody knows me. Nobody needs me and nobody wants me. It's not just some kind of metaphor to be sappy about. I think it's how it really is.

When I graduated I basically vanished for everyone at university. I don't exist anymore for the professors there who taught me. I don't exist anymore for the people I studied with and who moved away. If I quit my job I would stop existing for everyone there as well. I'd be gone. Nobody would call me. Nobody would ask what I'm doing or where I'm at.

And then this ... it happened.

You mean...

...Yes. I was out this one night. Just this one night and this shit happened. As if the universe was telling me that I'm not just unloved but hated.

I ... it was the last thing. And ...

I ... thought about being dead. I really wanted to be dead. I couldn't take it anymore. Not this.

I've seen ... he ... I ... I didn't want to ...

You are in counseling for it, I read. It is a group therapy?

Yes.

It's ... yet another thing that showed me that I don't know anything about the outside world. I'm just an alien.

From all the people in the world ... it happened to me. And ... I'm not saying it's okay if it happens to other people. No. I mean ... I'm terrible, aren't I?

I wanted to die ... Because I'd stop being alone and miserable. I'd stop being unloved. I'd stop being afraid. I'd just stop being anything.

But ... I don't want to make my parents miserable. I ... just can't hurt them like that. That would be so terrible.

Although I'm hurting them whenever they call and ask how I'm doing. I hurt them by not being the good son they deserve. They cared for me for so many years and I haven't given them anything in return. It would be shitty of me to just kill myself and make them even more miserable. It would be like punching them in the face.

They're good people. I don't want to hurt them.

But I hurt them when I exist and I hurt them when I don't exist.

I don't know what to do. I feel like being trapped. I can barely sleep thinking about it.

But ... one day when they're gone ... things will be easier. I'll force myself to wait until they're gone.

It'll be miserable to wait, but that's the only gift I can give them. To not make them even more miserable than they already are.

I love them. I love them and I'll wait and after it things will be easier.

And my siblings ... it's best if I'm not close to them.

I don't want to move back home. I don't want to know my nieces and nephews. They don't know me. They wouldn't ask about that weird uncle who killed himself. Who nobody actually knew. I don't want to drag them into my failure. Them having no idea is a relief actually. It makes me feel less guilty.

...

I failed this completely ... So very much. And I tried to forget it and push it away. I never could.

Sometimes I think that I should vanish completely.

Like ... nothing at all should be left of me. Nobody should remember who I was. Nobody should know about my name or my place of birth or what I did in life.

I should just go, like I never existed. Yeah, like I never existed.

Like that little boy who never caught frogs in the small pond.

That teenager who never marveled at the colored leaves of the old autumn oak.

That quiet student who never spilled his milk in the library.

That man who never shed a tear when he watched the first snow fall.

I wouldn't be a failure then. Nobody remembers.

Because I never was.

Judgment pending.

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© 2018, Kranich im Exil

::www.furaffinity.net/user/kranich-im-exil ::