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Foxyote Hunting

By CalexTheNeko

Dog Catcher Dan: Coyotius Chaseus

Kickaha Ota: Impertinus Prankius

"Get back you rascally foxyote!" Dog Catcher Dan shouted as he ran as fast as he could. His poorly tailored blue uniform bounced up and down on him as he ran. He carried a giant butterfly net over his head that he swung ineffectually at his target as he chased after him.

"Get back there?" Kickaha looked over his shoulder. The foxyote's green cloak blew in the wind as he ran. "But we've only just begun the chase! I can't come back now! We haven't even established the game rules!"

"What!? This isn't a game!" Dan shouted back. "This is my job! The mayor wants you caught! And that's what I'm going to do!"

"But that's why it should be a game!" Kickaha grinned. "You know what they say! You should try to have fun with your work!" As Kickaha spoke he ran straight out over the edge of a grassy cliff. Instead of falling to his doom a quick spell saved his life. There was a short crackle of electricity as he continued to run straight down cliff side. Dan tried to chase after him, only to let out a yelp as he saw the cliff and came skidding to a halt just mere inches from the edge.

"Why! That no good dirty rotten foxyote!" Dan tore his hat off his head and threw it to the ground. He jumped up and down on it repeatedly while screaming expletives. Some of them were so intense they could not be repeated in this story. One does not wish to cause alarm... But there were swears such as 'Drag nab it.'

After a full fifteen seconds of words we cannot repeat without losing our rating he finally calmed down. Dan slowly approached the edge of the cliff and looked down for any signs of his quarry. He found it much closer than to be expected.

"Did you miss me!?" Kickaha asked as he jumped up the side of the cliff. He gave Dan a playful lick on the face before running back in the opposite direction from the cliff.

"WHY I OUGHTA!" Dan shouted. He then repeated his foul, foul language. Picking up his butterfly net he ran full speed back after the foxyote. After about two seconds he stopped, returned to the cliff, picked up his hat, and then picked up the chase again.

The chase continued across the grassy fields and hills. The two went up and down several hills in a row before both of them had to pause to catch their breath.

"Going down isn't so rough... But man were there always seventeen hills right outside the city limit?" Kickaha panted hard. "Sure are pretty though. I guess for all the mayor's flaws he was actually pretty good at taking care of the local environment."

"Oh..." Dan huffed. "That is a..." He heaved again. "Wonderful quality."

"Do... Do you need help?" Kickaha asked.

"No I'm-" Dan huffed again. "Perfectly okay."

"But you're breathing really-"

"I said I'm fine!" Dan responded. "Everyone knows after all... The mayor's health plan for his employees is just as good as his conservative efforts on the local environment."

"How much did he pay you to say that?" Kickaha tilted his head in wonder.

"Technically nothing." Dan replied. "But I get a dollar from his reelection campaign every time I say something positive about him." As he finished speaking a large truck suddenly drove up the side of the hill and parked next to him. A hand shot out from the truck offering Dan a dollar. "Thanks mate. The $200 it costs us to deliver each of these dollars is worth it!"

"Ohhhhh can I try that?" Kickaha asked as he watched the truck drive off. "The Mayor is of the finest pedigree! And he's never once had fleas!" He paused and looked around expecting a truck to pull up. "Hey what gives?"

"You gotta be part of the reelection team!" Dan explained. "You can't just expect to get paid for being a private citizen! You have to fill out all the paperwork! But even then you wouldn't get paid."

"Awwww, why not?" Kickaha whined. "I have Bills too. Well I have a Bill. We meet on Sundays and discuss secret coyote things."

"Because the mayor wouldn't hire some foxyote mutt!" Dan shouted as he swung his butterfly net down directly at Kickaha. The foxyote yelped and jumped out of the way only for Dan to swing it again. A second miss. This time he swung it a third time... And finally snagged something! Dan looked at the net triumphantly.

"Excuse me." Kickaha tapped him on the shoulder.

"Not now!" Dan shouted. "I finally caught that darn foxyote!" He then paused and looked at Kickaha. "Wait but..." Then he looked at his net. The only thing inside of it was his own hat.

"Boop boop!" Kickaha grinned and bapped Dan lightly on the nose with his paw twice. Then he took off running at full speed.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Dan threw his net down on the ground. "That's it! No more Mr. Nice Dog Catcher." He quickly produced a cell phone from his pocket and dialed a number into it. "Hello? Yes. It's me. I'd like to order one of everything! How am I paying? Oh... Um... Put it on the mayor's tab! That'll work. Yessssss." Dan put the phone away and began to wring his hands. "Now we'll see who is the dog catcher and who is the dog... fox... coyote... Thing"

Exactly thirty-two seconds later a helicopter flew over the area. It dropped a gargantuan elephant sized crate directly in front of Dan before flying off.

"About time!" Dan shouted. "Can't believe I paid for speedy delivery and you got here so late! Did you stop for coffee or something!" Dan quickly pulled his trusty crowbar that all dog catchers carry from his back habit and started to open the crate. He then paused as he looked around the entire area nervously. He couldn't let anyone see what he was setting up! They'd like that would they! Luckily... A dog catcher is always prepared! And it only took him two and a half minutes to build a fence around the perimeter, hang up 'Keep Out' signs, and arrange for a giant tarp to block his project from view.

Kickaha found himself returning to the hills drawn by the sounds of construction equipment. He let out a low whistle as he saw the fenced in area and giant tarp.

"I have no idea what that is... But I can't wait to find out!" Kickaha grinned as he sat down and patiently waited for it to be done.

The sun set, the moon rose. The moon set, the sun rose. Again, and again the sun and moon cycled as Dan's work continued. It was a rather strange lunar cycle considering it all happened in the expanse of a single minute. But the sun was up again and it was mid afternoon by the time Dan finally finished his construction.

Dan appeared from behind the fence. He noticed the foxyote watching and then turned back to his the fenced in area. He reached up a hand and grabbed the tarp. With one swift motion he pulled it from the structure. Without the tarp to provide structural integrity the fence also collapsed revealing Dan's creation to the entire world.

It was full of swinging blades, giant gears, a roller coaster, enormous boulders, sleds, water balloons, a bowl of petunias and a butterfly net the size of a skyscraper.

"Neat!" Kickaha wagged his tail as he looked over the structure. He let out an impressed whistle which Dan approved of then fixed the dog catcher with a stare. "So what is it?"

"What is it!?" Dan shouted. "What do you mean what is it! Don't you know an Specious brand Foxyote Catcher 5000 is?"

"A Specious brand Foxyote Catcher 5000!?" Kickaha shouted. "Surely you jest! Everyone said that had reached perfection with the Foxyote Catcher 4000! You're telling me they have a 5000 version now!?"

"Yup! It cost quite the pretty penny too." Dan rubbed his chest smugly. "And it's much better than the 4000! They finally fixed that issue where the big butterfly net would never go down right at the very end."

"That problem has existed since the 500 versions!" Kickaha shouted in shock. "They said it was impossible to fix!"

"That's right! But after the 4500 was received so poorly the Specious brand nearly went out of business. So they decided to do some innovating to save their brand... And they did the impossible! The 5000 version is the ultimate tool in foxyote catching!"

"Cool!" Kickaha said. "So... No I've never heard of it."

"What!?" Dan shouted. "But you just talked about! You just knew!"

"Sorry." Kickaha shrugged. "But we don't get internet out in the wilderness. You can't expect me to know of every single modern invention you have. We're just big dumb animals out here! But I'm sure a fully evolved primate with opposable thumbs can explain to me what this is."

"Just... It really works better if..." Dan rubbed his temples. "Okay, fine. Whatever. Okay! So you see! The way it works, I chase you into the trap! And then a giant rubber band snags you, throws you into a sled which slides through several bladed pendulums of doom! Then the water balloons pelt you in the face to break your spirit!"

"Do you really think that'd be enough?" Kickaha asked Dan.

"Oh trust me! They're very mean tempered water balloons! Each of them has a demotivating message written on them! They ran focus groups! Tests! They did everything they could to find the most soul crushing and worst insults imaginable. Everyone involved in the study left the company to find themselves and reevaluate their life choices. Then after everything was done... They published the results of the study online! Then they just copied all the internet comments on the article and printed them on the balloons."

"You fiend!" Kickaha shouted.

"And it doesn't stop there!" Dan wringed his hands. "Once your spirit is broken you're picked up on a giant gear! It slowly turns upward as giant pistons slam downward crushing every bone in your body before dropping you into a roller coaster cart. Well... They were supposed to crush every bone in your body. But turns out you can't ride the roller coaster if you suffer from back problems. Compliance things. So the giant pistons are actually gone."

"Curse you Safety and Ethics Committee!" Kickaha shook his paw at the sky. "How many more innocent death traps must you claim before your insatiable hunger is finally satisfied!"

"It's simply the sad state of the world as we live in it today." Dan muttered. "Oh right! Also after the final loop of the roller coaster there's a camera! Don't forget to smile when it takes your picture! Then as you exit through the gift shop suddenly... BAM! Giant hammer smashes you and the shop! And you're financially responsible for all the over-priced knick knacks!"

"Do they at least have shirts in my size?" Kickaha asked.

"Not even one."

"What about a keychain with my name on it?"

"Well they still have some Kickaho keychains in stock."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kickaha shouted as he collapsed onto all fours. "What kind of world are we living in!?"

"And then at that moment! With your body, spirit and finances broken! The giant butterfly net falls down on top of you! And you are finally caught!"

"Well wow... That... That sure is a thing." Kickaha stood up and brushed himself off. "Gosh I was hoping I could get away, but this seems really ironclad. I suppose I should just jump right in and save everyone some time."

"Excellent! You get it! This time your fate is sealed! So just go on over! Head into it!" Dan shoved Kickaha towards the contraption.

"Alright here I go." Kickaha walked towards the Foxyote Catcher 5000. He then walked directly in front of it as nothing happened to him. "Hey! I think it's broken! It didn't work!"

"It's not broken! Dan shouted. "You didn't go inside it! Go through it! Not around it!"

"Okay like this?" Kickaha responded by walking behind the contraption.

"What!? No! Just! How are you this bad at this!" Dan threw up his hands. "Look do I need to show you!?"

"That would be helpful! It's not like there are any signs in here!" Kickaha responded.

"Ugh this is why I can't stand dumb animals." Dan tore out some of his own hair. "Okay! Fine! But I'm only showing you this one time! Just once! Then in you go!"

With that Dan stepped into the contraption. Immediately he tripped over a giant rubber band and was flung into a sled.

"Wait a second..." Dan looked up just in time to see the bladed pendulum of doom swing by him. "GAH!" He gave a shout as he ducked. His hat was not so lucky as it was cut in two. When it seemed safe... Suddenly water balloons began to pelt Dan directly in the face. He had just enough time to see the message written on each of them, and was reduced to tears from the endeavor. "Why are people so meeeean!? I'm trying my best!" He responded through tears.

"Wow... I feel really bad about this." Kickaha watched as he tossed some popcorn into his maw. He paused for a few moments and looked around. "What? Oh come on, I didn't do anything wrong! You all knew this was coming! And he's fiiiiine! But you're judging me. You're judging me, aren't you? Fine! I'll make him some cocoa or something for when he gets out of that!" With that Kickaha got up from his seat and walked off.

Meanwhile Dan had been carried over the gears and was now strapped into the roller coaster. He let out screams of terror as it went through death-defying loops and twists. Eventually it ended in the gift shop. He paused at the keychain stand thinking he saw one with his actual name on it! Unfortunately, it actually said 'Den.'

"Den!? But that's not even a real name!" Dan shouted. "At least Don would have made sense!" It was at this moment that a giant hammer slammed down smashing the gift shop with Dan inside it. Everything was still for a few moments before Dan slowly crawled out from beneath the rubble. "It's not fair!" He muttered. "It's simply not fair!"

"There, there." Kickaha approached Dan holding two cups of cocoa. "Let it all out." He gave one cup of cocoa to Dan while drinking the other himself.

"This was supposed to be my moment of triumph!" Dan whined. "I don't know what I did wrong! And..." He turned and looked at the giant butterfly net. "AND THE NET DIDN'T EVEN FALL DOWN! They said they fixed that!"

"Maybe you forgot to set up a part correctly?" Kickaha suggested.

"But... Every part is accounted for!" Dan insisted. "Everything I made! We saw it all go off during in the trap! There's nothing that could be set up wrong! Oh who am I kidding. I probably built something wrong."

"Noooo, don't be like that!" Kickaha patted him on the shoulder. "You're great at your job! It's not your fault the product didn't work! Look... At times like this just do what all hard working Americans do. Blame someone else."

"Do you really think that would work?" Dan looked up as his tears slowly stopped.

"Oh of course!" Kickaha nodded. "Lemme tell you, coyotes know all about defective traps. It's always fair to blame the manufacturer."

"But... But I really worked hard on this one!" Dan slowly sipped at his cocoa.

"Tell you what sport! Just this once... I'll go through the trap too! And then we'll call this one a draw. Would that make you feel better?" Kickaha patted Dan on the back."

"Maybe..." Dan responded in between sobs.

"Okay. But just this once!" Kickaha walked to the entrance of the trap and went in.

The foxyote let out whoops of joy and excitement as he was flung through the air by a giant rubber band. He then tucked his body down as he landed on the sled trying to pick up speed and make it more exciting. This had the side effect of sending him flying past all the pendulums before they had time to start up.

Then he got to the water balloons.

"Everyone knows the comments can't hurt you if you don't read them!" Kickaha shouted as he shut his eyes. It didn't stop him from getting soaked! But his soul was spared.

The foxyote eagerly climbed over the gears to get through them faster so he could get to the roller coaster. He strapped himself in then threw his hands up into the air as he went through all the loops. It made for a great picture! Or would have if the gift shop could have located it... Instead they kept trying to sell him Dan's picture!

Kickaha stopped near the keychain section of the gift shop. He started to look through them then paused as he noticed something strange.

A bowl of petunias. It was just sitting there on the floor right outside the gift shop.

"I don't get it." Kickaha tilted his head. "It doesn't look like a death trap... Or add anything to this. What are the petunias for!? I have to know!" He ran quickly over to the petunias. Just as he did the hammer came down crashing down onto the gift shop for a second time. However, since Kickaha was already outside by this point he was not only unharmed, but also not financially responsible. A single "Kickaho" keychain rolled out of the wreckage, the "o" bent into a passable "a".

Meanwhile he examined the petunias. The bowl was just sitting there pushed up against the side of a pole.

"I mean, they look nice..." Kickaha picked up the bowl and looked at them. "But they seem quite superfluous." Suddenly the pole the bowl had been leaning up against began to wobble. "Wait what's that..." Kickaha looked up seeing the bowl was actually the base of the giant butterfly net. "Uh oh."

The net fell downward. With an enormous crash it crushed the entire Foxyote Catcher 5000. Not a single piece of it was spared... But when the smoke finally cleared...

Kickaha was stuck inside the mesh of the net.

"WAIT WHAT!?" Kickaha gave a shout.

"WAIT WHAT!?" Dan shouted as he stared at what just happened. "I... I did it? I caught him!" Dan then paused as he realized he too was also inside the net. "Well it still counts!"

"Awww man!" Kickaha kicked at the ground. "I was sure I won today! That's no fair! You only one because you made me have feels!" He crossed his arms and turned away.

"Hey this was a fair win and you know it!" Dan said as he pulled a well-worn book out of his back pocket. "And I'm marking this one down. That makes three wins for me versus your two-hundred seventy-eight wins. I'm catching up!"

"Fine... Fine... You did great." Kickaha pouted. "Can't believe I lost to this thing... So... That's over. How do we get out..."

"Well that!" Dan paused as he looked around the giant net. "Well it's easy you just... Um... Well... I... don't actually know... But it'll probably decompose... Eventually!"

"Wonderful." Kickaha sat down on the ground. "Now what? I don't suppose you brought any cards or anything."

"A dog catcher is always prepared!" Dan replied. "But I must warn you! I always prefer to add an element of gambling to the mix! It's simply no fun if there's nothing to lose."

"Ohhhh that sounds exciting!" Kickaha grinned. "Deal me in!" He moved up closer to Dan as the dog catcher sat down too. The two then began their game of cards.

The End