Better than Battered Onion Rings

Story by Kaijou on SoFurry

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The job of a hero is a varied one. It's not all villains and heroics and helping old ladies across the road.

Sometimes you're just trying to keep things chill, and end up in a liiittle over your head.

Commission for Brejen

Co-Starring arihusky as One of the goofy, boozey antagonists. :3


Better than Battered Onion-rings. Tsumi Moogle '18 Characters © Themselves.

Taking on supervillains was easy. Scope them out, swoop in to mess up their plans, throw a couple one-liners, and generally everything turns out alright. Helping folks out of predicaments? Piece of cake, land smoothly, act calm, and normally things were sorted in less than a minute. This? Morpheus pursed his lips at the sight below him. There was no telling which way this would go. He could well have ignored them, but there'd been reports of some threatening sorts around the area, he'd been bidden to check it out. There were four of them: A wolf, rather stockily built. A Husky, barely taller, a broad shouldered bull and a rottweiler. They had the gait of a pack having had an evening on the town, the shorter wolf in particular finishing a bottle of beer, and lobbing it at a car as it cruised past, barely missing the back window.

The group broke into laughter as the wolf tromped out onto the road. Under the streetlight, the hero could see the rich shades of brown of the burly figure. His leather jacket open over a stretched white shirt, spattered with the odd drop of booze. Strapped over his right shoulder, was a spiked pauldron, matching the solid bracer on his left arm. The scuffed jeans bloused into some broad boots, which the wolf nearly staggered over, as he turned to look at an oncoming car. 'Zig!' Bellowed the Rottweiler with a laugh. 'The hell're you doin'?' he slurred. The wolf grinned at the car, lowering himself, as if preparing to catch it. 'M'hungry!' Gulzig licked his broad chops.

With a screech though, the car sought another lane, much as at the same time, Morpheus opted well to step in. Well, swoop in. Catching the suddenly growling wolf and barrelling him aside, as the car narrowly missed the spot he'd just been standing.

'The hell?!' Snarled Gulzig as he toppled onto his ass from the sudden lurch in momentum. 'sorry about that, but I think that's enough fun for one night.' The masked hyenolf said as he looked over the group. He was taller than most of them, but the looks on their collective faces still diminished the puff of his chest a little. 'Your friend nearly injured someone, and was injured, himself. I think it's time you moved on and went home.'

'Man, listen to this guy.' swayed the bull as he glowered at the hero. Clad in black and white, the blue of his cape flickering softly. Even innebriated, the bovine could tell who that glowing blue 'M' belonged to. 'Only one who'd get hurt here is him.' 'And didn't you say you were hungry, Gul'?' The husky, wearing a varsity jacket hiccuped and smirked. 'Oh shit, man. You think he could?' snickered the rottweiler in a leather vest. 'I bet you fifty bucks he can.' returned the dog, clapping Gulzig's un-protected shoulder. 'Well, f'he loses, We can put in for his bail. If he doesn't end up as hero-fat.' the bull all but taunted.

Gulzig pushed them aside and got to his feet with surprising lucidity. 'Shaddup, Lom. No way he could beat me. And I am still hungry, yeah.' Morpheus had to blink, twitching his ears as the group muttered to themselves, before the wolf made his announcement, and took a stomping step towards him, grinning rather disconcertingly. 'Hey, hey, I'm not here for a fight, guys. Rein it back before I have to get physical.' 'Ha! Listen to him! Some hero! More like a chicken, f'you ask me.' slurred the rottweiler. 'Let's get physical then, punk! I eat guys like you for breakfast!' Snarled Gulzig, cracking his knuckles. His heavy steps suddenly pushed forward with surprising agility, and Morpheus erk!'d as he lifted an arm to fend the blow off. The force of it staggered him and stepping aside, rather than leading the buzzed biker back onto the road.

The follow-up swing was wild, but he ducked under it deftly enough. He didn't much want to actually join the fight. The guy certainly looked like he had a sturdy jaw, but if he started fighting back, his buddies could join in, and he'd be the instigator in a drunken brawl. He tried to catch another punch, finding his boots skidding on the ground as the wolf pushed him back. A form of super-strength. He couldn't imitate that easily. Gritting his teeth, the hero forced himself to respond, ducking aside another punch that was growing more and more accurate, and swung his leg after the wolf's, to try and stagger him. Gulzig scarcely flinched, and caught the follow-up aiming for his cheek, smirking fangily.

Morpheus grit his teeth as the wolf used his sudden leverage to slam him into a wall, and with a solid punch that cracked the bricks behind him, winded the hero. He caught the taller frame in his arms as Morpheus staggered from the wall. The powerful limbs squeezed about the trimmer hybrid, Gulzig panting his sour breath in his catch's face, licking his lips with a smirk. 'Never eaten hero before. Hope you struggle better than you fight.' growled the wolf ominously. Opening his eyes to glance up at the wolf as those arms squeezed in crushingly, the hero groaned out, legs squirming as he was lifted off the ground. Scrunching his face up, he instinctively shifted. His fur momentarily regressing for sleek skin and curiously noded flesh, that suddenly arced and send electricity coursing through Gulzig's frame.

Quaking with a wide-mouth roar of surprise and discomfort, the wolf's arms jerked and twitched, crushing and relaxing about the hero as his body seized up with the shock, before the current abated. His shoulders sagged, but the wolf's grasp didn't relax. He slowly lowered his gaze at the hero, looking rather more sober as he smirked. 'You really thought you could drop a plainsrover with that?' The wolf panted a little. Morpheus flinched, before the stocky frame's jaws gaped before him.

The mottled flesh was dark, slick strings of saliva drizzling from his palate, almost glittering in the street-lights. His broad teeth, framing it all gleamed dangerously as his heated breath billowed past Morpheus' face.

The hyenolf grit his teeth as the jaws encroached, filling his vision, and squishing him into rank, slimey darkness as the wolf almost languidly tasted over his head. The broad tongue slathered along his features, slopping cheeks, and brushing along the apparent leather of his face-mask, even coiling once about his muzzle as the hero attempted to sputter another defiant word.

With his arms trapped at his sides by the wolf's thick hold, Morpheus could only struggle like a gaffed fish as the explorer inched him deeper, apparently enjoying what he tasted as his muzzle ran all the heavier with saliva. His own muzzle streamlined over the back of that pebbled tongue, the hybrid winced for the stiffling heat that began to crest his face, and enfold in slick, smothering waves of flesh. Roiling, undulating in eager, rhymic pulses, seeking to claim the late-night snack. Pedaling his legs, the hero tried to plant his boots on those broad thighs, trying to tug and drag himself back, as Gulzig's jaws crawled over his head. A languid groan escaping the wolf speaking for the explorer's delight in his catch.

Shifting his arms to grasp the taller form's with just one, the biker grabbed at one of the tensing thighs trying to drag his meal back, and hefted up, suddenly plunging the head of his meal down his gullet proper, straightening the hero out and bulging his own gullet sizeably. His thick tail wagged as his friends walked over, laughing for the sight of the city's hero being reduced lazily to a meal. Morpheus winced, feeling several sets of hands suddenly tugging on him. Hope bubbling in his chest as he imagined the other trio having come to their senses. Perhaps it was just some sort of game. Maybe it was the police. -This- would be hard to live down.

He blinked in shock though, feeling his boots, and then his gauntlets being tugged and dragged free. As well as his cape after several insistant tugs clicked it free from its snug hold. Little though he could do about it as he felt Gulzig's broad jaws worming over his shoulders, and with a low growl that rattled through the trapped hero like thunder, succeeded. The saliva that drizzled down over the bio-mesh suit made his awkward trip in all the less tenable. Slicked, and already smooth, the hero wheezed as the jaws compressed his torso, wringing it into the mercilessly tight grip of that gullet as he slowly inverted. Inch by ponderous inch, he felt himself slithering. Dragged inexorably by that powerful throat, he tried anxiously to struggle in the iron-grip of that gullet mercilessly compressing him downwards.

His muzzle preceded him past the snug ring of flesh into the thicker air of the biker's gut proper. The churning walls lapped along his matted, soaking him well in the several drinks that Gulzig had knocked back earlier in the evening. Coughing and gritting his teeth, he sputtered, and tried to push his face against the wall, yelling. 'That's enough! Let me go! This isn't funny!' He groaned,feeling the brush and push of the hands of the others on his frame as he squished deeper.

'What's he saying?' Chuckled the bull as the rottweiler leaned down to listen to Gulzig's stomach. The curve of it distending a little, though they all well knew if he tautened, the would-be hero wouldn't manage to make a single shape visible. 'Sounds like he's enjoying himself, shouting about in there.' laughed the dog, whilst the husky smirked, wearing the hero's oversized gauntlets and boots, striking poses. 'Having fun, huh, Morpheus?' Ari wagged as he staggered over to rub his hands on the wolf's swelling middle, avoiding the twitching squirm of the hybrid's legs nearby.

Gulzig gave an awkward grunt as his meal queerly rippled in his gullet. The stocky wolf, grasping at his meal's legs, perked his ears as the mass in his grip seemed to shrink. No, reshape. The hero shape-shifted, now with his torso, arms and head squirming from the biker's great jaws. Gulzig's hands clamped about the hero's forearms as Morpheus sputtered in the fresh air of the night. 'Grrrff..! That-.. that's enough! Spit me out!' He commanded, even as Gulzig took another hearty swallow to begin dragging his torso down a second time. It was even less of a hassle this way, tapering up, rather than being a sudden wall.

'Oh! He came up to say g'bye!' chuckled the bull as he tromped over, looking at the hero as Morpheus' arms were held straight. 'Haha! Looks like he's trying to fly!' Snickered the rottweiler, earning chuckles from the others. 'He's not real good at that either, going slow, and backwards into a gut!' The hero grit his teeth as the wolf puffed in amusement around him. The broad jaws crawled up over his shoulders with another rolling swallow, and steadily, that tongue once more cupped under his chin, slathering along his jawline, and snaking up to cup over his muzzle. With a tip of his head, Gulzig staggered against the wall, as Morpheus stared up at the night sky beyond his reaching, bound arms.

Slowly, the wolf's broad fangs began to creep about his vision, framing the world beyond him as the groups jeering calls were smothered as his ears brushed down amidst his sopping azure mohawk. The Wolf's lips sealed, and with a rolling of that tongue that smothered him, the hyenolf gave a yelp as he was swallowed down again, his arms trailing in after him, fingers trailing and grasping about the broad fangs, and tongue, before he was wholly claimed by the squishing esophagus, and caged in behind the sloshing gut's sphinctre.

The muscles about him bundled almost loosely. Their erratic, and lazy undulations served well though, as he found himself bundled up any time he wasn't squirming about. His suit seeped and soaked in that booze, bubbling and squishing among his fingers and toes as he tried to squirm. Pushing against the slimey wall, he could at least see, as his mohawk glowed lowly. He found no purchase on those walls, and if not for the steady thump of Gulzig's heart overhead, he might have been too jostled to know which way was up.

Panting in the thick heat, the hero winced as he pushed about, punching ineffectually as he couldn't find enough room to leverage a proper punch. He'd just as easily shock himself if he tried to zap the biker again, and Gulzig had already well proven he was made of much sturdier stuff than the hero had given him credit for. He stretched as best he could, only to be defeated by a belch that tightened the walls and smoothly squeezed them in about the hapless form, head rattled by the cacophanous noise about him.

Feeling about the walls, the hero narrowed his eyes as he felt the snug entrance of that gut, trying to push his finger up through the tight entrance. Squirming as he moved to try and kneel up in that gut, to push a hand into the slick tube, immediately resisting his attempts at freedom with strong, rippling peristaltic waves. A firm thud to the gut knocked the hero's tenuous positioning out from under him, and with a slick squish, he splattered back into the gut wholly.

The slow, slippery undulations of the gut continued disrupted only by the swaying and jostling motions as Gulzig kept walking. The hyenolf could hear the jeers and laughter of the others nearby, though he was quite unable to tell if they were directed at him, save for when he felt the purposeful kneading of a hand against his side, or sometimes his face when he pushed out, or tried to make another bid at upsetting the gut about him.

'Having trouble in there, Morphy?' Hiccuped the husky as he kneaded over the hero's form. 'I bet it sucks, being trapped like that, but hey! It's nothing to worry about! Well, depending on if Gulzig lets you go tonight or not.' The hero aimed a slippery kick after the source of the mocking, but felt no connect under his sole as the rubbing hands drew away with a laugh. Other voices joined in the jeering, and the hero blinked as the gut gave a jostling slosh and then crudely thudded against his head as Gulzig apparently sat down.

The group settled in a booth at a diner, ordering drinks and smirking to themselves. Groping at the wolf's gut, pinned against the underside of their table, the bull smirked. 'Energetic thing like him's gunna ruin your figure if he's not out by tomorrow, 'Zig.' Picking at his teeth with a claw, the wolf smirked cockily, leaning back to stir his broad gut. 'Punk shouldn't have taken me on then, if he didn't wanna be food.' 'Probably would have been you though if he'd won.' Snickered Ari, only to duck as the wolf made a cuffing motion at the Husky's ears. 'But he -didn't-, grinned the wolf, taking his mug when it arrived, and draining it back in thick swallows, utterly soaking and basting his meal as Morpheus sputtered and writhed all the harder. 'S'his own fault if he's wolf padding tomorrow.' The biker slapped at his gut, earning a fresh round of laughs from the group.

Inside, Morpheus could only sputter, squirming indignantly as he kept trying to feel about the walls, fingers tracing any tiny dimple, or nook, trying anxiously to find the snug sphinctre he'd been squeezed in by. It was made no easier by Gulzig's occasional belch tautening everything back in, and then taking another drink, slopping the hero about crudely.

Despite the diner being mostly empty, the few patrons that were still there glanced uncertainly at the tight-packed booth. The rowdy figures roaring with laughter and the odd belch as the long-suffering waiter brought another round of drinks. It was clear to those who didn't get up to leave, that they were desperately hoping for a decent tip to make up for the brazen conversations, and especially when Gulzig drunkenly snagged an arm about them to squeeze their head to his gut as it squirmed. 'Feel th-hic! Feel that? Got a whole hero in there!' The wolf laughed and grunted as the hapless zebra tried to push against the belly, startling when it pushed back. 'Must like you!' Gulzig grinned, trying to focus on the server as he managed to slip free and straighten up, blushing.

The group snickered again, as Gulzig licked his chops with a content sigh. 'Looks like you could go for a follow up, 'Zig.' Coaxed Ari with a wag of his curly tail, glancing after the zebra. 'Yeah? Why? You offerin'?' The wolf belched thickly, fixing his half-lidded eyes on his friend. 'Psht. Yeah right. You look like you need to be tucked in yourself. I'm good anytime.' The tall canine leaned across the table, to yawn before his friend's face. For the heat in his face brought on by the night's boozing, Gulzig couldn't quite feel the burn of his cheeks at the tease, and gruffly, he squeezed a hand over his taller friends face, turning to try and clamber unsteadily from their booth. 'Sh-shut up.' The wolf slurred. '..Gunna take a piss. Maybe I'll let this one out, too.' He slapped his sloshing gut with gurgled lowly and mutely struggled.

Ari rolled his eyes and grinned as the wolf thumped his gut against the underside of the booth, and finally managed to get to his feet. Standing up, he walked over to slip one of Gulzig's arms about his shoulders to help him to the bathroom. The bull and Rottweiler glanced up a few minutes later when Ari walked back, his face looking damp, shaking his head. ''Zig fell asleep on the throne.' The dog shook his head with an exasperated huff. 'Well, looks like that's it for tonight.' The rottweiler grumbled, tugging out some cash to drop on the table. 'Haven't had to carry him in a while. This'll be fun. Not.' Concurred the bull. 'He at least manage to remember to cough up his passenger?' he rose an eyebrow at Ari who gave a faint grin, shaking his head. 'Diiid warn him about staying too long.' The Husky shrugged, earning a last begrudging chuckle from the other two as they went to fetch their friend.

'Looks like he got his second wind, though.' grunted the Rottweiler as he held one of Gulzig's arms over his shoulders, the wolf's gut struggling and squirming quite animatedly once more. 'Just means Zig's gunna belch more in his sleep.' Ari grinned, groping the unconscious biker's gut, smothering over the bulges.


The insistant beep of his alarm rang angrily. Groaning lowly, the wolf cracked his eyes open and immediately cursed for the harsh glare of morning sun beaming over his face. Turning his head aside, Gulzig glanced about his room whilst an arm like a lead-weight thudded blindly for the source of the infernal beeping, and finally smashed it off. Sitting up ponderously, the wolf groaned as the world gave a slow spin. He smacked his lips dryly, and blinked with recognition at the soft slosh of his gut, rather more gravid than he cared to have it, weighing thickly in his gut. Resting a broad hand on his thick middle, the biker pressed in, perking his ears for the cushy give underneath. 'Nnggh.. The hell..? What did we get up to last night..?' he murmured as he slowly staggered to his feet to stomp off to the kitchen, passing a pair of broad metallic gauntlets and blue cape on the floor.

--End.