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Tin Can Radio Sports

By CalexTheNeko

"It is a beautiful day for a game of ball here in Billy's backyard as the two teams gather on the mound."

"You took the words right out of my mouth Sam. A day like today is one that no kid should ever be hanging out indoors."

"Right you are Bob! But for those who are stuck indoors today don't worry! We'll be coming forward to you live on the String Can Radio Network located in Billy's tree house! So keep your strings tied to your cans and mount them on your bedroom windows! We'll be bringing you nonstop updates from the big game all afternoon!"

"But first!" Bob interrupted. "Let us have a moment of silence for those who could not be with us today. We all remember last year's top draft Little Suzie. We all hoped to see her today but sadly fate had other choices. She got a D on her last spelling test and now she's grounded for life. Suzie... If you're listening out there on the radio now our hearts go out to you! Your fans will surely miss you."

"Such a tragedy." Sam clucked. "She was still in her prime."

"Ain't it a shame?" Bob spoke solemnly. "This year has been a terrible year for baseball. Between the Great Spelling Bee Debacle and the fourth nine week's math test we've lost many of our greatest players. Thankfully we still have enough players left to form two teams! Well two small teams... But first, before that a word from our sponsors."

"Hi! I'm Annabelle de Kyute! You may remember me as being the class president from last year! People are always asking me... Annabelle, how do you find time to keep your grades up and be president of the entire school which is a for realsies a real big responsibility with real decisions that impact the school and not a glorified popularity contest. The answer is simple! I use Annabelle de Kyute's Certified Pre-Owned Study Guides! We've got guides from every grade level from kindergarten to sixth grade! Every subject is covered! English, Science, Social Studies, Math! We've even got study guides for art! Ask yourself? Are you ready for improved grades and less time spent on homework? And at just a dollar per study guide can you afford not to be? Buy a study guide today and kiss your problems goodbye! Annabelle de Kyute's Certified Pre-Owned Study Guides are available during recess behind the big slide every school day! What are you waiting for?"

"A clearly useful and not at all pointless product." Sam spoke as he came back on. "Perhaps if Suzie had purchased such a study guide she might still be with us today."

"Um Sam I think she did." Bob spoke. "But that's neither here nor there! For it seems like... Yes our players have arrived! They'll be splitting into two teams soon! With Billie acting as one team captain since this is his backyard. Billie's team is easily the fan favorite today! His mother brings out Rice Krispie treats after every game when he has the home field advantage!"

"But I wouldn't count our other team out so soon!" Sam interrupted. "Our other team captain today is none other than the Wild Card herself: Sara! Sara is the dark horse player no one saw coming! Starting as a short stop player her willingness to use unpredictable tactics and give unexpected players a shot has helped her rise all the way up to a team captain! Billie might have the home field advantage but that's never been an issue for Sara before."

"This is going to be the highlight game of the year!" Bob shouted. "And the players have lined up against the fence! It's time for Billie and Sara to pick their team mates! They're flipping the coin... Billie has called heads and... The coin is airborne! It's flying through the air all eyes are on it! And... The umpire has caught it! The coin is... HEADS SIDE UP! HEADS SIDE UP! Billie gets first pick!"

"Ohhh, that could spell bad news for Sara." Sam clucked his tongue. "If she isn't able to put together a strong team she won't stand a chance! And now that Billie has made his first pick... She's looking around and... Wait, there appears to be some kind of disturbance! And... What's this? It would seem two new players have appeared in the lineup! I think?"

"I'm not sure either..." Bob muttered. "But it appears we've had two animals wonder onto the field and join the player lineup! They look kind of funny walking on their hind legs like that! One of them appears to be an orange kitten! And the other is some kind of fox wearing a green cloak."

"I'm pretty sure that's a coyote." Sam interrupted.

"It's clearly a fox." Bob insisted. "But a couple animals showing up probably won't make much of a difference. I mean if they start interfering with the game we can probably lure them away with some treats."

"WAIT!" Sam shouted at the top of his lungs. "We're getting a new development on the situation! It would seem that Sara is requesting to add them to her team!"

"That's a classic Sara move for you." Bob chuckled. "Stuff like this is why she's known as the back yard's league's wild card. Though this time adding actual animals to her team may be going a bit too far."

"But if they walk on their hind legs and can talk to do still call them animals?" Sam asked. "I feel like there should be another tem here."

"Civilized animals maybe?" Bob tried.

"I don't know that feels like it's more sidestepping a proper term." Sam mused. "And can we really call them civilized if they don't wear pants?"

"I have no idea." Bob responded. "But either way Billie has chosen to challenge the decision! We're waiting on an official ruling from the umpire right now. It seems he's a bit unclear on this one, so we're going to have to look it up in the official rule book."

"Ahhh." Sam sighed wistfully. "The official rule book. It contains all the official rules and regulations of the back yard baseball league."

"Well yeah." Bob was less impressed. "It's a rule book. That's what it does."

"But you don't understand!" Sam continued. "It's more than just a book! It's the legendary item on which our entire league is based on! You see according to legend this book came into existence a long time ago during the Great Detention."

"The Great Detention is just a fairy tale!" Bob insisted. "It's something older students make up to scare the first graders."

"Nuh uh!" Sam insisted. "I have an older brother who's in high school now! He says he went to school during the Great Detention."

"Well your older brother is a liar then." Bob sneered.

"I know it sounds terrifying but it's true!" Sam almost pleaded. "The Great Detention is real! It happened many years ago during Mrs. Cantankerous' Math Lecture. You see many of the kids were antsy that day. The lecture just kept going and going. It's said that it went on so long that time itself came to a stop just to extend the school day. So... A single student decided to take action. No one knows this student's name. To this day no one knows if it was even a boy or a girl. But this student was willing to risk everything to save the student body from Mrs. Cantankerous' lecture! They waited for Mrs. Cantankerous to patrol the room. Then in one fluid motion they threw a whoopee cushion across the room landing it exactly in her chair. When Mrs. Cantankerous sat back down it of course created a delightfully rude noise! And like that the spell was broken and time seemed to move on again! But Mrs. Cantankerous was furious. She demanded to know which student was responsible. Miraculously, every student claimed that they had not seen who did it. No matter what she threatened or offered everyone insisted they had not seen our unknown hero. It was a great victory for us all... But one that was short lived. We had awakened a sleeping giant... And when no student would come forward Mrs. Cantankerous chose to assign detention to everyone in the entire class! She made them miss recess for a whole month straight! They were forced to stay inside each day and write essays about the importance of honesty and not protecting criminals! And so began the time of the Great Detention. It was a time of suffering... But it was an era of legends. The students kept the memory of their hero in their hearts... And that gave them the knowledge to persist."

"You know when you explain it like that they don't sound like much of a hero." Bob replied. "In fact it sounds like if whoever did it had just come forward the whole Great Detention thing could have been completely avoided."

"That's not how heroes work!" Sam replied.

"You mean they're not people who would willingly sacrifice themselves for the good of everyone else?"

"Erm well um!" Sam seemed hesitant at that. "That's beside the point! We were talking about the rule book!"

"Ah yes because we just established how important rules are." The grin on Bob's face was practically audible through his voice.

"Y-yes!" Sam on the other hand was now clearly nervous. "But the point is! That during the Great Detention students had to find a way to stay sane... And so came the founder of the back yard league. Jimmy James Jacobson. He snuck a second notebook into class during the Great Detention! And during that month he spent his time inventing the game and coming up with the rules we all know today! No one had even heard of such a game before the Great Detention!"

"Um wait that's not right..." Bob muttered. "I'm pretty sure people have been playing baseball since the 1800s..."

"That's right!" Sam ignored Bob. "Everything was invented by Jimmy James Jacobson himself!"

"Well..." Bob sounded unsure of how to respond. "What a fascinating, irrelevant, and completely fictitious story. But hey! It looks like our umpire has made a call. Apparently this exact scenario has been covered in the official rules! Who would have thought. It says all animals are allowed to play so long as they know the rules and agree to no biting!"

"Huh is it just me or does the kitten look a little disappointed at that last rule?" Sam asked. "Either way with that we're ready to resume making our teams! Of course... With Sara now claiming one of the animals for her team Billie insists it is only fair he gets the other. Sara has added the kitten to her team... So the coyote-"

"Fox." Bob corrected.

"Coyote will be going onto Billie's team." Sam insisted. "And in that time the rest of the players have also been assigned to teams! We are ready for the actual game to start! The registration for the new players has been completed as well."

"Strange names if you ask me." Bob muttered. "The kitten is apparently named Calex and the fox-"

"Coyote."

"Fox is named Kickaha." Bob continued. "And everything is set up! By toss of a coin flip Sara's team will be batting first!"

"The game is unfolding as we speak!" Sam shouted. "And we'll be hear with your play by play for the entire duration! But first! Another word from our sponsors."

"Sam why do we even need sponsors?" Bob asked.

"Mostly for buying more cans and string to expand our radio network." Sam explained. "And also for snacks."

"Ah that makes sense." Bob muttered in agreement. "Then we'll be back after these messages!"

"Hey everyone!" A chipper voice started up. "I'm Sweet Tooth Andy! And I'm here to talk to you about a serious problem. Every day innocent kids across our country are having their favorite snacks stolen from them by those overwhelming tyrants known as teachers. Ask yourself this. How many times have you been told to spit out or throw out your favorite candy? How many times have you been told this is a classroom not a cafeteria? Well I'm proud to say that today enough is enough! Today marks the point we fight back! For today... You can get your hands on one of Sweet Tooth Andy's Edible Erasers! We've taken your favorite candies, melted them down and frozen them in the shape of normal pencil erasers! Now you can just pop your favorite snack on the top of your pencil and your teacher will never be the wiser! They may think it's strange you have a habit of nibbling on your pencil but they won't take it away! Now! Before you start telling me wow Andy that's really gross! Let me assure you that each of my Edible Erasers are designed around a hollow point lined with paper. The candy never touches the pencil so you can enjoy your snack wood and lead free! But wait there's more! Buy ten Edible Erasers and I'll throw in a free pencil box for storing them! The pencil box comes completely sterile and is a clean place to store your erasers till you're ready to eat them! Take back the classroom right under your teacher's nose today! Sweet Tooth Andy's Edible Erasers are available for a dollar a piece at the corner table of the cafeteria! Note, store may not be open when the hall monitor is watching."

"And after that..." Bob was uncertain. "Whatever that was. We're back! And the game has begun! Up to bat right now for Sara's team is our new kitten player Calex! Billie's pitcher is giving it his best... But has been struggling to strike the kitten out! He has already thrown three balls, one more and the kitten will take his base. It looks like the pitcher and Billie are having a heated argument right now."

"Billie seems to be quite upset with his pitcher. The argument is so loud we can hear it from here!" Sam chattered. "It seems they're having difficulty figuring out exactly where the strike zone is for the little kitten."

"Not surprising." Bob responded. "I mean the guy is like less than two feet tall. I'm pretty sure he's shorter than the strike zone on other players. That's got to be making it a miserable experience for the pitcher to try to strike him out. One can only wonder if this is what Sara was planning when she picked such a little guy."

"Well he's only got one more chance." Sam replied. "The kitten has lost all interest and is currently chewing on his bat, leaving him wide open to strike out. But if Billie's pitcher can't land a ball in his strike zone he'll take the base anyway... And what's this? The coyote-"

"Fox."

"The coyote is walking over from his short stop position! I can't hear what he's saying... But he's whispering something to Billie and... Well... Billie seems to be nodding eagerly. We're waiting on confirmation of what just transpired... But we're getting reports that Kickaha just said he can make the strike zone seem bigger for the pitcher. I'm not really sure how that's possible... But Billie and his pitcher have both agreed."

"And now the fox-" Bob started.

"Coyote."

"The fox is rubbing his hands together. It kinda looks like they're glowing with electricity from here." Bob sounded unsure.

"Makes sense to me." Sam replied. "You know how if you rub your socks on a carpet you get a static charge? Now imagine doing that with your hands when you're covered in fur."

"I guess that makes sense? Either way he has poked the pitcher and..." Bob stopped for a moment. "And the pitcher is gone! His clothes have fallen to the ground on the pitcher's mound but he's nowhere in sight!"

"Huh I've heard of knocking one's socks off but never heard of someone being shocked right out of their entire outfit" Sam replied. "Wait... Something's moving underneath his uniform it looks like... There's... A squirrel?"

"Is it just me... Or does the squirrel look kinda like our pitcher?" Bob asked.

"I... I think that is him! But... Why is he a squirrel?" Sam muttered. "But he's standing on two legs like the other two animals... Just he's only like eight inches tall now and well... A squirrel."

"What did that fox-" Bob started.

"Coyote." Sam continued. "And I don't know. I guess it's magic... The pitcher is pretty angry. Apparently, Kickaha is insisting he did exactly was promised... And Billie is just happy he should be able to hit the strike zone now... Well, regardless of what just happened or how happy he is about it! This could be just what they need to turn the situation around! Kickaha has returned to his position and the pitcher is getting ready! The kitten is still chewing on his bat. The squirrel is having to throw the ball overhead now due to his new size! And the ball is thrown!"

"STRIKE ONE!" Bob gave a shout. "The umpire has called it! It was in the strike zone! It seems this has snapped the kitten to attention. Billie's squirrel is hoisting the ball above his head again to give it another shot... The kitten is trying to remember which way he holds a bat... And he has it upside down. STRIKE TWO!"

"Oh this could be bad for Sara's team!" Sam replied. "If her secret weapon no longer works she'll have to come up with a new strategy if she wants to win. And here comes the next pitch. The kitten is... He's attempting to bunt! Or maybe he just dropped the bat and is leaning on it... Either way! The ball is hit! It's rolling across the field! And... And! The catcher has it! He's throwing it to first base! But the kitten is running full speed on all fours! The ball is thrown to first but the kitten is running to second already! It seems four legs are better than two!"

"That honestly feels like cheating." Bob replied. "They've skipped second base and thrown the ball to third just to cut off the kitten! He's safe on second though! Billie has tossed his hat onto the ground and is very angrily swearing up a storm! I can hear the shouts of 'gosh darn it' and 'crab biscuits' from here!"

"Looks like the next batter is up... But what this." Bob paused. "The fox-"

"Coyote."

"Fox is signally over Billie and his first base player. Apparently he has an idea. The first baseman looks a little nervous and keeps glancing at their pitcher." Bob paused. "I guess I can understand why."

"Oh wonder if we're about to see more shenanigans." Sam seemed almost excited at the prospect. "I mean they gotta take every advantage they can, right?"

"Looks like they've reached an agreement. We're getting second hand reports here... Apparently the first baseman has agreed to the plan, but insisted he gets to pick the animal." Bob announced. "Kickaha and the first baseman are shaking and now I'm seeing spots! Literally! The first baseman skin is covered in them! As well... As golden fur now! Now he has a tail! And... Yes! It seems like the first baseman has just magically transformed into a cheetah! You heard it here first folks."

"Still walking on two legs though." Sam muttered. "I still feel like we should have a term for that. Well... He's ditched most of his clothes since they don't fit now, but looks like we're ready to resume the game and... Wait... Wait... Billie still wants to call time out. He's talking to the coyote-"

"Fox."

"Coyote. Looks like... Billie wants to see about upgrading all the players on his team... But looks like Kickaha is upset insisting he can't just do it because someone asked! Apparently we're being told there are procedures to go through. Billie is walking away in defeat... And wait! Kickaha is running after him! Yelling something about how he was supposed to keep insisting and of course he'll do it! And well... Looks like now the entire team leaving the field to pick out what species they'll be. What a wonderful day to be playing the sport."

"Is it? Is it really?" Bob asked.

"Darn right it is!" Sam replied. "This is the most amazing game I've ever seen. Listeners at home, I know it might sound strange! And if I weren't seeing it with my own eyes I wouldn't believe it. But this looks like it may take some time! So we'll be back after the players are done changing in the locker rooms! For now please stand by for another message from our wonderful sponsors."

"Hi I'm Chewy Louie!" An excited voice spoke up. "And tell me if this sounds like you! You want to be a good boy... But you just can't resist the urge to chew on the furniture! Well! I'm here to tell you that used to be me! That's how I got my name Chewy Louie! Nothing got my tail wagging like finding the perfect table leg to chew on! But none of us really want to be a bad boy! And that's why I invented... Chewy Louie's No Worry Miniature Furniture! Using high quality sticks I've found in the woods I've constructed facsimiles of furniture for you to carry around! They're big enough to chew on! But small enough to fit in your backpack and take to school! Don't let your teacher ever call you a bad boy when she catches you eating your own desk! Buy Chewy Louie's No Worry Miniature Furniture to chew on instead! Available during recess underneath the big oak tree!"

"And we're back!" Sam shouted. "And the game is going again! We've got a cheetah on first, a rabbit second, and I don't even know on third."

"I think it's an axolotl?" Bob suggested.

"Whatever it is, it's very pink and has these cool face things. Then we've got avians in the outfield and a bear playing catcher! And I appear to be a coyote now."

"Fox."

"No I'm pretty sure this time that I'm a coyote." San muttered.

"No I meant I'm a fox. I know you're a coyote." Bob paused at this and considered something. "Didn't we used to wear pants before the commercial break?"

"I don't even remember what pants are Bob." Sam replied.

"I think they're um hum... There's... Some kind of fabric on the floor near our desk maybe that's it?" Bob seemed unsure. "But uh anyway the game is a going! Now that Billie's team has beasted out with Billie himself being the grizzly bear playing catcher they've got this in the bag! Sara's team has only gotten one runner in! All the human players simply cannot keep up! And... Wait! Sara herself has got a hit in! The ball is going high! But... The cheetah on first has sprinted across the field in the blink of an eye and caught it! That's three outs! Time to change positions!"

"Sara's team could be in for some real trouble at this point. I don't think they could physically keep up. Looks like the kitten is trying to give them a pep talk. He also is waving around what looks like some kind of toy gun... Like one of those bubble guns you see in the stores around summer. For some reason Sara seems really excited by the prospect of it... And now the kitten is aiming it at the team members and... Why! It's not shooting bubbles at all! But some kind of laser light show! And... Sara's team is transforming now! Who would have ever seen this coming!?"

"Probably everyone after Billie's team did the exact same thing." Bob sighed. "Well they're taking their positions. Though... Their choices of animals seem... Questionable. We've got a ferret pitching, a mouse playing first, a fruit bat on second, a hedgehog on third, and the kitten playing catcher. They don't really seem like the strongest or biggest animals they could have chosen."

"Least they won't have any difficulty hitting the strike zone of that squirrel." Sam mused.

"Still Sara seems to be the closest to having made a practical choice with her now being a gold scaled fire breathing dragon... But for some reason she's barely half the size of the mouse!" Bob exclaimed.

"Everyone knows that dragons are really small critters." Sam mentioned plainly.

"No one knows that or believes that." Bob retorted.

"Look I don't know about you, but 100% of all dragons I've ever seen have all been smaller than rodents. Have you ever seen a bigger one?" Sam teased. Bob grumbled but didn't have a retort. "And they've started! Up first Billie is batting!"

"Considering his almost unbearable strength this could be a guaranteed home run." Sam replied.

"Seriously?" Bob asked.

"I'm not apologizing. You'll just have to grin and bear it."

"I want a new partner." Bob sighed. "Kids, never partner with a coyote. They're completely insane."

"And there goes the pitch!" Sam resumed to covering the game. "Billie has hit it! And... As expected it looks to be a home run! It's going! Going! And wait what's this? Sara has launched herself into the air with her wings! And the ball has slammed right into her! Did she catch it!? Is she even okay!? Everyone is rushing to the fence where the ball landed to check and... She's okay! And she is holding the ball above her head! Billie is out!"

"So that's the purpose of why she chose a dragon." Bob mused. "But why are they so small?"

"Perhaps they're trying to make their strike zones as small as possible and rely completely on agility." Sam suggested. "It's a risky move. Even if they're more agile they'll still be slower runners overall. It'll be harder to catch up with running players when they're easily six times your size or more."

"Well only the time will tell! And Kickaha is up to bat next! Though he seems... A bit distracted. He keeps looking over at first base and sighing wistfully and... We have strike one! He didn't even notice! But the call seems to have caught his attention! He's holding the bat! But he's looking at first base again! Strike two! He is really distracted by the mouse for some reason."

"These new comers don't seem to be good at focusing on the game in general." Sam remarked. "I mean I remember the kitty was chewing on his own bat! Least they have other talents they bring and... It's a hit this time! Kickaha has made it to first base! Though he looks absolutely miserable about it!"

"I guess from this point on the game might proceed somewhat normally." Bob said. "Other than everyone's new abilities... So I guess now is as good a time as any to cut to our next advertising break! We'll be back in a few moments."

"Hey everyone! I'm Charming Sandy!" A happy voice spoke up. "Are you looking for accessories you can use to express yourself that won't be uncomfortable over your fur, feathers or scales? Well then do I have the product for you! Introducing Charming Sandy's Tail Bracelets! We've got bracelets in all colors for all tail sizes! Big tails, little tails, long or short we have a bracelet that will fit on you! They're all decorated with the highest quality plastic beads my mom could find in the craft store! Not only that! But at fifty cents each they're cheap and affordable! Buy one for every day of the week! The bracelets are made of comfortably soft yarn and the beads sparkle just like real gemstones! Get yours today! Charming Sandy's Tail Bracelets are available before school every morning inside the art room!"

"You know I was just thinking it'd be nice to have something I could wear to express myself." Sam mused as he came back. "I might have to look into those Tail Bracelets."

"Uh sure..." Bob was less enthusiastic. "Anyway, the game has been going pretty quickly now. Both teams seem to be evenly matched. Billie's team has superior strength when it comes to batting for hitting the ball further and running faster! But Sara's team has such small strike zones half the time they're getting to take their base. Neither one seems to be exceptionally good at playing the field. Despite that, in the time it took to do that commercial we have gone through all nine innings. The game is tied and in extra endings."

"At this rate we might not have a victor with the teams so equally matched." Sam said. "And now we appear to have a rules dispute! Kickaha has just made it home! But the kitten is insisting that he's out because he was touching the base with his tail when he caught the ball! He is arguing with the umpire who is checking the official rule book. Apparently, this scenario is covered in the official rules!"

"Seriously?" Bob asked. "I feel like before today there would have been zero reason to ever consider it."

"And yet we have a rule. It says for the purpose of animal players you are not allowed to tag a base with your tail! You must have at least one paw on it! Kickaha is safe!" Sam explained.

"Ohhhh the kitten is not happy about that one." Bob spoke up. "Things have gotten quite heated. The umpire has tried to pat him on the head and... That was a mistake! Well... Calex has been disqualified from the game for umpire biting! And the umpire is now a kitten!"

"I guess that will give Billie's team an advantage since they still have Kickaha and..." Sam hesitated. "Wait where'd he go... Hey he just jumped the fence! He's... chasing a mouse! Is that the first baseman!? Wait no... He's still on first base. Guess it's just a wild mouse? Still that coyote-"

"Fox."

"Coyote has a look of absolute glee on his face."

"Well... Both teams are down by one player then." Bob said. "Seems both sides agree that the mood has thoroughly killed. The game will instead be resolved with a coin flip. Billie has heads and Sara tail. And... The coin is in the air annnnd-" Bob fell silent at that.

"Did..." Sam started.

"Yes." Bob replied glumly. "Ladies and gentleman... It would seem a crow just snatched the coin right out of the air and flew off."

"Huh well..." Sam muttered.

"Uh then..." Bob was also unsure of himself.

"I guess that's the game!" Sam suddenly shouted. "A wonderful game played by everyone! And a special thank you to all our sponsors!"

"Uh yes!" Bob responded eagerly. "What a wonderful game it was! Thank you to everyone who tuned in! And we'll see you all next time on the String Can Radio Network!"

The End