Love Me
#4 of Why I'm Depressed
The following story is 100% true; and it all really happened to me.
Love.
Such a strange word to say out loud. When I was younger, I would always tell myself that I would never get a girlfriend or a boyfriend because the idea of love was a little absurd. You spending the rest of your entire life with only one person? Sounds a little ridiculous, right? And in high school, you always hear a lot of bad stories about love; most of them ending with someone getting beat up or a jealous person or something related to pain. At least that was the case in the high school that I went to.
Anyways, because of these experiences, I never wanted to be romantically involved in a relationship.
Well, this story is about me being a fool.
Prepare yourselves, readers, because I'm gonna tell you the story of when I got stood up on a date.
(Play)
Around a year ago, I met someone through Twitter; a furry who lived no more than thirty miles away. We start talking for a while and he seemed like a cool guy. His character was a crux, which don't ask me what it is because I wouldn't have any clue how to answer. Anyways, we talk for a little while and eventually we stop talking, which was okay. This usually happened in the furry community; we make friends who come and go.
Over the course of the next twelve months, me and this same person would talk, then not talk. Talk, then not talk. Seems like a crazy cycle, right?
Around some time in July, the same guy hits me up again and we start being friendly again. Then one day, he asked me out on a date for that weekend. I was nervous; I've never been on a date before in the real world and I had no idea what to even do. I said yes anyways because I figured that it would be a good opportunity for us to unwind and just chill out together.
I ended up turning to another friend of mine for help. My friend, whom I'm going to refer to as Bear for the sake of keeping his identity discreet, I've known for three years. He was married, so logic states that he's been on plenty of dates in the past. So I turned to him for advice, because I had no idea how to act on a first date. He tells me to try to stay calm,because I have such bad anxiety, especially when put into a situation I've never been in before.
Monday comes rolling around. The plan was, we were going to go to this arcade/restaurant in the middle of Columbus for food and gaming before we head back to his apartment. Since his roommates were gonna be out for the day, we figured that was the best scenario in case we happened to do more than just cuddle.
I drove over to Columbus around 4 o'clock in the afternoon and I head straight to the arcade. When I get there, I text my "date" wondering when he's going to show up. I ended up waiting around 20 minutes before I got an answer to why he wasn't there yet. Apparently, while he was on his way over, someone got in front of his car, he swerved and his tire blew out. He showed me a picture for proof, so I understood. I offered to give him a ride to the restaurant, but he told me no because as it turned out, the drive would add an extra 20 minutes to our schedule.
(Pause)
Trust me, the story is gonna get worse. But this wouldn't exactly fit into the theme of these stories if I didn't tell the audience who exactly was my date. I'll give you a helpful hint; if you saw a picture of him, you would probably think that he looked a bit nerdy, but also a bit rough.
Still don't get it yet?
Noah... do you get it? Why I'm doing this?
Well, if you're reading this, then it means what you did doesn't help me with my depression.
Perhaps if I explain what really happened next, then all will become clear to you and everyone else reading.
(Play)
I went back home after making a not-so-quick stop to Barnes & Noble. For Pete's sake I was in Columbus with a hundred dollars in my pocket. I wasn't going to not buy some books with that money. Besides, my date already promised to make it up to me the next day. This was what he proposed: He drives over to my town and we hang around until my parents came home that evening.
I was okay with it. After all, he simply wanted to take me out for a meal so we could talk. Nothing wrong with that, right?
The next day rolls around. And I'm hanging by my phone all day, wondering when my "date" would text me to let me know he was on his way.
But he never did.
Not even a good morning text from him.
I knew that something was wrong and that I was going to be stood up for the second time in a row. You know what they say: fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I guess the shame was brought upon me because my "date" didn't even text me until that evening.
Apparently he "forgot" to mention the fact that he had work that day and wasn't going to be let out until four that afternoon anyways. I was completely upset, because I've been looking forward to seeing him in the real world for two weeks and he stood me up twice. He knew that I wouldn't be able to go out after my parents got home because they hardly let me go out for long periods of time anyways.
Around the same time, I start hitting up one of my good friends who lived in my neighborhood. One whom I've happened to have done things in bed with... Anyways, I start talking to him and because we haven't seen each other in a couple months since the incident at AnthrOhio, I decide to hang out with him, because obviously my "date" was always going to be a no-show.
I message him that I was going to hang out with somebody else, and I tell him that I've had sex with him in the past. Why? Because since for some reason I still didn't hate the guy, I didn't want there to be any secrets between us. Plus, he didn't lie to me, so I figured there would be no cause to lie to him either.
This was his reply, word for word: "I knew it was too good to be true."
He goes on about how he was "in love" with me and wanted our "relationship" to be exclusive and now that he knew this about one of my neighbors, we couldn't be friends anymore. All I could think at the time was "Are you serious?" Overreacting over something I did in the past? Because I never said that I was planning to have fun with him that night. I only said that I happened to have messed around in bed with him before.
The crux tell me no, he can't be friends with me no more and proceeds to block me on Telegram.
That was the first time I ever felt true heartbreak. Even though I knew this guy was completely full of shit, my heart still broke in two. Because I thought it was going to be a good chance to have an awesome new friend to have in the real world.
But I guess I already learned my lesson with the guy in my English class.
I just forgot the pain I felt five years later.
(Stop)
Noah probably went around to people saying that I lead him on and that I was just being a choosy slut. That's not true. Noah was the one who turned our relationship any ounce of sexual. I'm a submissive, so I tend to go along with what the other person does.
Noah, if you're reading this, and I'll have mixed feelings about it if you do, I want to tell you something that will blow your mind.
You ready?
Get real close to the screen for this.
"You do not love me."
Surprised? You should be. Because that statement has more truth in it than you'll ever dare to speak out loud. You don't love me. You only loved the idea of me. You wanted to keep me locked in a cage, when I didn't even know you. Do you even remember my favorite movie or book series? Do you recall why I can't sleep well at night anymore or what my fidgeting habits are? What do you remember about me? I remember a heck of a lot about you. You work in the culinary arts and you wanted to make pasta for me. Your voice is deep, but seemingly warm and inviting. You drive a silver car. You have a six pack abs and you wear a red jockstrap. You have a few roommates and you can't bring people over because they hate whenever you do.
You think that after two failed attempts to date that it means you can have me all you want? News flash: two wrongs don't make a right.
Go ahead and try to deny everything that happened. I won't stand in your way.
But I hope these memories haunt you for a really long time like they have for me.
For everyone else reading, this story really brings me down but it only reinforces a morale that I should've learned from Matt's story: You can't really trust people. I trusted Keeney, look where that ended up. For once in my life, I felt that someone actually wanted to go out with me because of who I was, not because someone was looking for someone to keep like a possession.
(Next)