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Kittens and Swords

By CalexTheNeko

Kickaha leaped the fence into the backyard he had visited on his previous endeavor. The coyote-fox was still in his diminished state after yesterday's affairs. The usually middle-aged foxyote had been reduced to a mere six and a half years old making his green cloak look quite long on his smaller body. That was evidence of what had been an exceptionally successful day. However... Right now wasn't the time to be reminiscing about today's earlier adventures. That was in the past... And Kickaha always looked to the future! It made it easier not to worry about the consequences of his actions.

Now it was time for his next adventure! Well... It wasn't his adventure. Kickaha clutched a toy wooden sword in his paws. He had borrowed it without really asking permission earlier today. Now it was time to return it. Directly ahead of him was his destination. It was an old tree house. In a lot of ways it was THE tree house. It looked less like a real tree house... And more like the idealized tree house one thinks of as they examine summers past through the eyes of nostalgia. There was only one point of entry to it: A rope ladder that looked rickety but would never snap. Kickaha peered around to make sure he wasn't being watched... Then he slowly worked his way up the ladder.

Inside the tree house was much the same as he had seen it last. Its owners hadn't returned since his first visit. Comics and toys littered the tree house floor while colorful drawings and sketches plastered the walls. The tree house was lit up by a single beam of sunlight that managed to strike the exact center of the floor. Kickaha approached the sunny spot on the floor sword in his hand.

The young foxyote breathed heavily as he looked around. Moving with glacial slowness he reached downward with the sword. He held it directly above the floor and then hesitated. Kickaha swallowed hard... And then he dropped the sword in the exact center of the sunbeam.

The foxyote immediately leaped backwards at least two feet from the sword that now lay on the floor. His eyes darted around the room as if expecting something to happen. When nothing did... They widened in surprise... And then shrunk in disappointment.

"Not a single trap?" Kickaha whined. "He'd better be careful... People find out about this and his reputation is going to suffer." With that the foxyote turned to leave. Then he remembered it would be rude to leave without an explanation. Kickaha grabbed a spare sheet of paper from one of the boxes in the tree house. He then proceeded to scribble down a quick note.

"As promised I have enchanted this weapon. Use as follows: Close your eyes. Hold sword outward. Spin around quickly (clockwise) while saying 'MAGIC SWORD POINT THE WAY, WHERE ADVENTURE LURKS TODAY.' Then open your eyes and whichever way the sword is pointing you will find WORTHY ADVENTURE within EASY WALKING DISTANCE.

"Note: Adventure may be PERILOUS, so bring a STALWART Ally."

Kickaha examined the note, nodded in satisfaction, and quickly tossed it atop the sword. The foxyote then quickly disappeared out of the tree house and over the fence again. He would have loved to stay to survey his work... But he had already been collateral damage once yesterday so was ready for a break.

Eventually... The owners' of the tree house did return. A six year old orange kitten and an equally young blue and black bunny. There wasn't a single stitch of clothing to be found between the two. Though... Given they looked less like normal civilized animals and more like normal animals that just happened to walk on their hind legs, this was to be expected. The two children moved up the rope ladder with the speed and eagerness of youth. However as soon as they reached the top they froze.

"There has been a disturbance." The kitten spoke. His name was Calex. "Someone has intruded upon our most sacred domain."

"How can you tell?" The bunny named Arzure asked. "Everything still looks like it's in the right place."

"But can't you feel it?" Calex asked. "The change in auras, the lingering scent of trouble... And also they left a note." He pointed to the sword sitting in the beam of sunlight with the letter.

"Of course." Arzure nodded playing along. "So who do you think it's from? A monster? A villain? A monstrous villain?"

"Only one way to find out." The kitten dropped to all fours as he approached the note. He slowly picked it up and examined it. "It is... Maybe all three?"

"Wait how can it be all three?" Arzure asked. "The third option was literally just the first two restated again. That's how the joke works."

"Because based on the unnecessary use of capital letters it's Kickaha." Calex explained. "He could easily be all three and change roles based on what works."

"That makes sense." Arzure said. "So what's going on?"

"It seemed we've been tasked with a quest." Calex explained. "Or something like that anyway. Mostly skimmed the thing. The important parts are... I have a magic sword now... And apparently there's an important adventure that I need a stalwart ally for. Hey... Arzure, you're stalwart right?"

"I mean I'm more bouncy than stalwart." Arzure responded.

"Close enough!" Calex glanced through the rest of the letter. Then he picked up the sword and held it above his head. He paused as if waiting for something to happen. Nothing did.

"What are you waiting for?" Arzure asked the kitten who was just holding the sword aloft not moving.

"I was expecting something rumbly to happen!" Calex said. "You know! Mysticy! Or at least some kind of music!"

"Life's not always like a video game." Arzure shrugged. "You can't just expect a tremendous amount of fanfare for every action you take."

"But I like the fanfare..." Calex whined.

"Fiiiiiiiine." Arzure rolled his eyes. He then walked over to the boxes lining the side of the tree house. The bunny dug through them before producing what the two had been informed was a 'boom box.' It was some kind of ancient artifact that produced music by placing these strange rectangle-shaped objects called 'tapes' inside. Arzure quickly slid one of those 'tapes' into the 'boom box' and hit a button. Immediately a ridiculously yet catchy pop tune began to play with the singer going on about some kind of macaroni dance or something.

"On second thought... I can imagine the fanfare in my head." Calex's ears folded down.

"If you insist." Arzure hit the stop button and put an end to the music. "So... You have a magic sword... Now what?"

"Wanna read the next adventure of Dread Pirate Pan: Scourge of Never Galaxy?"

"DO I EVER!?" Arzure gave a shout. Calex then dropped the magic sword as the two dug through the comic books to retrieve the new issues.

One hour later.

"That was a fun read." Calex nodded eagerly. "I loved the part where the bad guys had him surrounded! And then it looked like he was done for! And Evil Marine Moustache Twirl was like! I have you completely surrounded! This is what you get for fighting alone!"

"And then Dread Pirate Pan was all! But you see! I fight alone! Because I never fight alone!" Arzure interrupted excitedly. "And then the Star Spiral Crew revealed that they had disguised themselves as Marine Moustache's crew and used that moment to shed their disguises and turn the battle! I thought they died back in issue 173!"

"But it turns out they faked their death and took on new identities as Space Marines!" Calex finished. With that done... The excitement faded as the two looked around wondering what to do. "Well, that was all I had on my agenda for the day. I'm out of ideas for what to do."

"What about the magic sword?" Arzure asked.

"Oh right. That's a thing." Calex padded back over to the sword. "Seems a bit mundane... But it might be fun. Alright then!" He held the sword high outward. "MAGIC SWORD POINT THE WAY, WHERE ADVENTURE LURKS TODAY!" As he spoke the kitten spun around... Everything was silent for a moment... And then suddenly a sheep in a business suit climbed over the edge of the tree house ladder.

"Someone hear call for an accountant?" The sheep asked. He looked between the two kids who just looked at him in confusion. "Guess not." The sheep accountant climbed back down the ladder.

"Clockwise is the other direction." Arzure muttered.

"I knew that!" Calex's ears folded back in embarrassment. "I was just... Testing the sword! That's all!" With that Calex spun clockwise in the proper direction while holding the sword. He eventually came to a stop holding the sword pointing out away from the tree house.

"So that's it?" Arzure asked. "I guess we just walk in that direction?"

"Ah man!" Calex whined. "I was hoping for some kind of big glowy explosion! Or a magic light appearing in the distance! Dang it Kickaha! You got me some kind of discount bootleg magic sword!"

"Wait... Isn't that the toy sword you made?" Arzure asked.

"Yeah! That's how I know it's cheaply made!" Calex huffed and crossed his arms.

"But then that technically means it's your fault..." Arzure tried to point out.

"Sorry, can't focus on that! Apparently we have an adventure thing to do now!" Calex shouted over Arzure. The kitten then leaped out of the tree house holding the sword in his mouth. He landed safely on all fours in the grass before jumping back up to two legs.

"Showoff." Arzure rolled his eyes as he quickly shimmied down the ladder. The two walked left the backyard and headed for the front yard.

"Now which direction was it again?" Calex muttered as he tapped the sword against his side.

"Um uhhhh..." Arzure looked back at the tree house and the backyard. "I think it was..." He tried to remember... But he hadn't actually been paying attention. "I think it was... Probably... That way! To the west!" Arzure pointed in the direction that lead into town.

"Really?" Calex seemed doubtful. "I mean... East heads to the forest. That seems more adventury than a town."

"Maybe but hey." Arzure shrugged. "Who am I to argue with a magic sword? Besides everyone knows that the town is where you pick up quests!"

"You make an excellent point." Calex nodded as him and the bunny started to head towards town.

It was a long walk to town. At least fifteen minutes. That might not seem like much to an adult... But for a child it can be twice as long as eternity. The two had even managed to complete a side quest on their way into town.

"I still don't think that was a magic flower." Arzure muttered.

"But it scattered on the wind like magic!" Calex insisted. "That had to mean we completed the quest!"

"Or that's just what happens when you blow on a daffodil." The bunny stuck his tongue out. However he stopped as he noticed the two had reached their destination.

The children now stood in the parking lot of a large dull building. It appeared to have once been painted bright colors that had faded over the years. People walked in and out of the building with a sense of lethargy and doom. People entered empty handed... But they left forced to push metal carts full of heavy looking brown bags to four wheeled prisons made of steel. They had arrived at the local Discount Retail Store.

"Huh we might have gone the wrong way..." Arzure muttered. "This is just..."

"An evil villain's lair!" Calex shouted. "Look at that! Look at all the people who are forced to enter and complete monotonous tasks again and again! It's worse than anything I could have ever imagined! We have to put a stop to this!"

"I dunno..." Arzure muttered. He had a bit more experience with certain concepts from the adult world. Well... Sometimes. Sort of. It was complicated. The point was... he understood where Calex was coming from... But some distant memory told him that his logic was off. "Maybe we should go somewhere else for adventure. It's just a store."

"But Arzure!" Calex insisted. "Look at them! Do they look like happy shoppers?"

"Well no..." Arzure admitted. "No one actually shops here because they want to."

"Exactly!" Calex nodded. "So we have to save them from the evil!"

"But--I mean, ok, sure there is definitely evil here. Just not really the type adventurers deal with." Arzure responded.

"Look there are two types of evil in the world." Calex explained. "Socioeconomic problems rooted in unrestrained greed that cannot easily be fixed without blurring the lines between free market and government regulation... And evil monsters. Only one of those things I can fix by hitting it with my sword! So... Since a sword is all I have right now! Hitting things with a sword it is!"

"Makes sense to me!" Arzure responded. "So what's the plan of attack?"

"Plan?" Calex asked. "We plan things now?"

"Well I mean you had some plan other than just run in screaming and making noise right?" Arzure said.

"Hey if it isn't broke don't fix it!" Calex smiled.

"So there is no plan." Arzure shrugged. "But maybe we can get the workers to riot or something."

"Oh that sounds fun!" Calex smiled. "What's a riot again?"

"Basically a lot of noise and shouting. But you get more people involved." Arzure said. "We'll need something to make the noise."

"Oh I am all over that!" Calex grinned from ear to ear. "We'll hit up the kitchen section first! We're going to need some supplies."

With that the two kids did their best to sneak into the retail store. It wasn't hard. Very few people had time to pay attention to anything that was going on around them. The people who worked there weren't paid enough to actually try to notice such things... As for the people who shopped there? They were just trying to get their stuff and leave making as little contact with others as possible. No one noticed the brightly-colored children as they weaved their way through the store, making their way to Kitchenware.

For a few moments the store was mostly silent. The only sounds were the rhythm of checkout lines as each item was scanned. Then suddenly... There was a loud clang. And then a second clang.

"ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAWR!" The kitten gave a shout that echoed throughout the entire retail store. In one hand he held a large pot that he beat his wooden sword against as hard as possible. This made a loud bang.

"CHIIIIIIIRRRRRRR!" Arzure gave his own war cry. Not having his own sword he had picked up an egg beater and his own pot. He was beating the egg beater against the side of the pot just like Calex to make as much noise as possible.

"Ladies and gentleman of the highly generic copyright friendly retail center!" Calex shouted. "We've come to free you from the tyranny of low quality goods and underpaid minions! For too long the evil maniacal overlords of big business have looked down upon you! They crush your hopes and dreams with blue light savings and door busters! But no more I say! The day for the proletarian to rise up and throw off the shackles of oppression has arrived! Viva la revolution!" Calex paused. "Ah man... I just realized how cool this would have looked if we had an actual flag to wave around while doing this."

"Yeah uhhhh..." Arzure just stared at the kitten in awe. "So... Do you actually understand the words that come out of your mouth? Or... Do you just shout random things and hope they make sense?"

"Little of column A little of column B." Calex shrugged. "Honestly I'm not even sure myself these days."

While the two had their discussion everyone in the store stopped and stared at them. There were mutterings of 'Well I never' and a general disapproval of the two free spirited children. Eventually store security showed up.

"Hey you two!" A badger in a rent-a-cop suit and reflective sunglasses appeared on the scene. "Where are your parents?"

"Ahhh!" Calex gave a shout. "It's an elite guard! We're not high enough level to fight that! Quickly Arzure! Scram! Scram like your life depends on it! Because if we get caught we're so grounded!"

"Gaaaah!" Arzure gave a shout as he burst into a sprint. The kitten followed soon after as the guard chased them throughout the store. They dropped the kitchenware they had borrowed as they headed for the exit. The two were fast and had the advantage of youth on their sides! However... That dastardly security guard had the advantage of longer legs.

"He's gaining on us!" Calex shouted.

"Do something!" Arzure shouted.

"Do what!?" Calex responded. "I can't hit an adult with the sword! I'm pretty sure that's illegal!"

"I thought the entire reason we were here was because hitting problems with a sword was the only thing you could do!" Arzure screamed.

"Yeah but there are limits to how much trouble even I want to get into!" Calex shouted back. He looked around trying to come up with an idea. Then he spied an empty shopping cart near them. "Arzure into the cart! Hurry!"

"Hope you know what you're doing!" Arzure obeyed and jumped into the cart. Calex immediately began to push the cart as hard as he could... Which considering his nature as a werekitten was pretty hard. The cart picked up speed and was soon rolling out of his reach. Calex leaped into the cart before he lost his grip on it.

"GET BACK HERE!" The security guard shouted as the cart containing the two children sailed away from him. The shopping cart flew out the front door of the store as the two escaped into the parking lot. The guard momentarily considered chasing after them. Then he remembered he wasn't being paid enough to care and decided to go on break.

Outside the shopping cart slowly came to a stop in the parking lot. The kitten and bunny looked at the store to ensure they weren't being followed before getting out.

"Well we didn't overthrow our megalomaniacal corporate overlords... But I'd like to think we did good work today!"

"Truly... Change can't come in a day, but must come over several days -- even YEARS -- as we've make an effort for a brighter future." Arzure nodded.

"Well we've done our part!" Calex said. "Let's go home! I'm hungry!"

"I think I have some cookies back at my place." Arzure smiled. "But I get dibs on the first pick!" Arzure took off running out of the parking lot.

"Hey no fair!" Calex cried as he chased after Arzure. "You can't call dibs right as you reveal their existence! That's cheating!"

With that the two children chased each other home laughing the entire way. But though they had completed their adventure today not everything had worked out perfectly.

Deep within the forest to the east. A ferocious chimera lurked. His heads thrashed and howled as he looked aside. A chipmunk princess stood in a cage hanging from a tree directly behind him. After several moments the chimera growled and then his heads sagged.

"I don't think any heroes are coming." The chimera said softly.

"There there..." The princess responded. "You put a lot of effort into this kidnapping! I'm sure they'll come."

"You know what. No." The chimera huffed. "I'm not in the mood anymore. So you know what..." With a single swift swipe of his claws he tore the princess' cage open. "Just go home. The moment has passed. I'm done with this." With that the chimera wandered off into the forest with a growl.

"Poor thing." The princess shook her head. "But I'm sure whatever kept the heroes from showing up was of the utmost importance. Strange though... The fox-like creature was so sure of his prophecy that the heroes would come."

The End