Humor and a Hump
Almarde was a quiet town. There was sound there, but not too much. Enough to hear, anyway...without being annoyed by it. There wasn't any overly loud or unpleasant noises, if that makes it clearer. Well, no, there was by the blacksmith's and the whorehouse, but...
Almarde was not a busy town. There we go. That's much better. Almarde only had a few hundred inhabitants inside it, and to be frank...nothing really happened in Almarde at all...until the zombies came.
No...that's a bit too scary.
Almarde was not a busy town, and nothing really happened there until the Nazis arrived with their guns and anti-Semitism to just ruin...
No. Overused plotline.
Sex. That's what gets people interested. Sex, sex ,sex. It all guys can think about anyway. Gushy, mushy, tit-laden, undressed, sticky, hot, ecstatic sex. It never gets old. Only a bit red and then it...ahem. Anyway, let's put some sex into the story. Lemme see...
Alright, then. Almarde was not a busy town, until, of course, the inhabitants got busy. You see that? I used a pun. A double meaning. Slang. Play on words. In any case, there was a young man there, about twenety or so, give or take a few years. His name was...Reginald. No, no, no. Too gay. Keith? Even worse. Dave! Gah.
Richard. That sounds acceptable. Richy. Rich. Rickay! Give me some skin, brother. Not really, he'll get some skin before too long. Spoiler alert.
Now let's make him a furry. Almarde is in Scandinavia..well it is now...so he should be a farm animal, but wild at the same time. Platypus? Those are farm animals, right? No, only in the Vatican. No goats. They have square eyes. Creepy. A ram. Ram! That gets it right.
Here we go. Let's see if I can get this in under thirty minutes. Go!
So Richard was wandering down the cobblestone streets of Almarde, wandering about with nothing to do, and nowhere to go. He looked about at the old brick houses, lined up perfectly in little rows with no space between them like the entire place was some child's imaginary village. Richard put his hands in his pockets and whistled "Singing in the Rain", which always makes you feel better, but was akward because it was not raining, making him a dirty, rotten, no-good, lying bastard. Now on the other side of the street there was a beautiful buxom female ram, called an ewe. There aren't many female rams wandering about, though the things you can do nowadays with surgery are amazing. And everyone knows what "buxom" means...even if you don't know you know.
Now this bonny lass, whose name happened to be...Heather. Yea, that sounds like a good Scottish ewe name. The tectonic plates are slowly shifting to the south west and we shall soon be in England. Anyway, Heather was a young, ripe, virgin, like all the other good little ewes in the town of Almarde. So you already know where this is going. Heather was the type of female that wanted bigger things. Cough, cough. She wanted to move out of Almarde and see the world. She wanted fame and fortune. She wanted to be a star. Well, that wasn't happening that day. It was hard enough...cough cough, to deal with the problems at hand.
"Find a mate!" her parents had said.
"Go to hell!" she would answer in a gentle, yet firm way.Both, really. It's hard to explain. It's like good sex, really. And if your voice can remind people of good sex, you're set for life. Or you're Morgan Freeman.
Heather was not interested in the rams of the village at the moment, but you can bet your never opened collector's edition of Fallout 3 that Richard was veeeeery interested in her. Not the game the ewe. Yea... Richard decided he would end this rather dull day and go talk to this young ewe. He crossed the street nonchalantly and then just happened to bump into her. Funny how that worked out. You'd think it was on purpose.
"Excuse me," Richard said.
"That's okay," Heather answered.
"My name is Richard, by the way."
"I'm Heather, it's...nice to meet you."
At that point, Richard didn't know exactly what to say. He had never really thought things out this far. Men are like that, but they are also good at improvising. Which makes it okay, really.
Richard, however, was not good at improvising.
"Heather...do you want to go out into the pasture and, say...have some gushy, mushy, tit-laden, undressed, sticky, hot, ecstatic sex?"
The words came out rather well, he thought. He then realized that he was being slightly blunt with her. Giggidy.
"Uhhhh..." Heather lifted an eyebrow. No, wait. That's not what the sound of an eyebrow is though. It's more like: Gagadazoo...ninjaaaaa...aaa...a...a...
She held her hands in front of her and looked at the ground.
"Nobody ever asked me to mate before," she said, her cheeks becoming red as she blushed. "I never had sex with a ram before."
"Well, neither have I!" Richard said happily. "It'll be okay. Nobody will see us, and you can be assured that I wont be too rough on you. I'm gentle. Sometimes."
She looked back up at him, and decided that she might as well. I mean, nothing bad ever came out of unprotected sex with a stranger...right? Richard hoped earnestly that she would say yes to him, else he would feel more bummed out than when Ray Charles got that "Where's Waldo" book for his birthday.
"That sounds just lovely," she said to him.
So Richard took her hand and they went out behind the rows of houses, which was impossible to do really considering that I said the houses had no space in between them. But they did any way. That's the power of love. They reached the pasture behind the houses, far away form any other viewers, save the cattle, but they were okay if they saw. They didn't talk. One had a blog, though. Richard laid down on the grass and pulled her down as well. She laid there next to him and he leaned over her. They kissed for a while, letting their foreplay and pleasure build slowly until it finally erupted into gushy, mushy, tit-laden, undressed, sticky, hot, ecstatic sex. After a while, Richard remembered that kissing her wasn't the only thing sex was about, unless you're a Puritan, and that really is about it. Those naughty bastards.
Richard began to move his hand into Heather's dress, and he felt her soft short fur on her back. He pulled her up a bit and started to undo the buttons that held her dress around her body, which is where a dress usually is. After a moment, the dress was unfastened, and he moved away the cloth and the bra she had on and exposed her breasts. They were lovely. That's all I'll say. Use your imagination. Heather started to realize what she had gotten into, or what she would have getting into her, and she had the look of concern on her face. Richard actually looked at her face at this point and saw her concern. He had to act quickly in order to please her. This will not turn into a porn action comic. New idea!
He pulled up the skirt form Heather's legs and slid off her undergarments, which were under her garments. No, really. He himself unfastened his own pants, and then unzipped them and pulled them away, revealing his erection. After getting scraped to death by his zipper (thank you, Chris) he leaned himself up between her legs and laid down on top of her, though he was not actually penetrating her yet. He kept his penis touching her legs and continued to lick her face affectionately, and she kissed him back as if they had known each other for years. Richard was not done, though, and if he were sex would have been a major letdown. Though I guess there is a letdown at the end. It's a penis joke. Laugh, dammit.
Richard pushed forward with his pelvis and his length penetrated her at last. Heather was tight inside, like any virginal ewe would be. She was warm as well, and the heat from her body on him gave him immense pleasure. He clenched his teeth at the sudden revelation of ecstasy and made a low groaning sound. As he humped her, his length going in and out and in and out again over and over in a seemingly never ending cycle, her face lit up and she shut her eyes in an attempt to contain this new feeling that she had never before experienced. She could feel him, moving in and out inside of her, she could feel the heat from his body over her, and could feel the weight of him as well over the top of her. It was indeed a very steamy scene. Use your imagination.
So there we have things so far: our young pair, in a sunny field full of flowers, grazing cattle, chirping birds, puffy clouds and pure sunshiney happy happy-ness. It would have made a wonderful kid's program if there wasn't a pair of furries making sweet sweet love. Or we could just label it Biology or Anatomy. If they can do that kind of thing in art class, then PBS is next.
As they continued in their sexual adventure, Richard stood up, pulling out of Heather's warm tight vagina and leaving behind a tiny trail of semen. She was panting, and even Richard felt a little tired, but it was the type of tired that's good. Like say...when your feet get sore from playing drums on rock band. Yea, that's a good analogy. In any case, Richard sat down, heart beating fast, and pulled away his pants completely and undressed. By this time, Richard's hands had apparently been acting autonomously and had removed Heather's other clothing, somehow taking off her dress without interrupting Richard's humping. So now, this story can be accurately label as Science Fiction. Math is power!
The ram was tired, anyway. He laid down on his back, needing to rest himself but still wanting the pleasure. he motioned for Heather to come over him and she obeyed him. Her naked body moved over him and she knelt down in front of him, her legs over his crotch. Heather was unsure about the exact procedure that went into this sort of thing, and she expected Richard to tell her what to do in very specific terms. But as she looked down and saw that Richard was lying with his head back on the grass, still panting and his hands resting comfortably on her voluptuous thighs, she thought to herself there really wasn't a wrong thing to do anyway.
So Heather slid down, spreading her legs outwards and lowering herself down as Richards erection fit snugly into her. She let out a slight gasp as she did this, the feeling of him penetrating inside her (not redundant at all) and his hands grasping her legs with a gentle yet firm caress. His hands moved to her buttocks, and sex is the only time when that sort of thing is acceptable. That's a bit strange when you think about it. Hmmmm. Ah. So there they were, Heather above her new found mate, his gentle motions inside her giving her the utmost of pleasure, which makes you wonder why they are about to change positions if everything is going so nice. The semen from his ejaculations started to run down his length and down her own thigh as it slowly trailed onto the grass, which would eventually be eaten by grazing animals, which is a bit nasty. But, after all...they are doing the nasty.
He told her to sit back up, and she did with great pleasure, feeling him leave her. As she got up, he looked at her in a rather loving way, which is the only way you should look at a person after they just gave you some immensely satisfying sexual gratification. But they weren't done yet. No, no, no. He got back up, leaning down on his knees. HE also told her to get down in front of him on all fours. You know where this is going. So did Richard. And he went there. Over and over. He leaned up over her, his hands around her waist and fondling her breasts. He pushed into her from behind, and she noticed the slightly different feeling of his penis in her now that it was upside down. He held her tightly, the sweat from his body wetting her back, and the smell of sex permeating in the stagnant valley air. But there were next to mountains, so there would be an updraft fairly constantly. Science fiction! As he continued to penetrate her tight virginal tunnel o' love, the sounds became increasingly varied and unique. She groaned, moaned, panted, baaaah'd of course, and said the usual things:
"Oh, don't stop!"
"My god, that feels good..."
"Ohhhhh..."
"The overlords are pleased!" No, scratch that. She did not say that. That's not what she said. Next paragraph. Go. Now.
And that sort of thing. Soundtracks pending. They went on for a while in that doggystyle position until Richard finally admitted he could go on no longer, a thought that is terrible to have.I also became frustrated because I had to use the words "on" and "no" next to each other. "On no". On no. Yoko Ono. Das'sum bad juju ride deah, mahn. Richard slowly pulled out of her for the last time and fell on his back, resting as best he could from the rather tiring ordeal. Heather stayed there in that position, too tired to move, her head hung low as she panted zealously. Richard looked back up at her and got a very nice rear view of her vagina, covered in semen and causing him to wish he could have lasted longer. As his horns rested on the soft grass in the middle of that pretty field, which was pretty even before Heather was naked, she finally leaned back and needed to rest as well. She laid on top of him, her weight light and her frame flexible. She rested on his body as he put his arms around her and they laid there for awhile, Richard's penis touching the lobes of Heather's vagina as she held him back, resting her head on his breast.
"Well...how was that?" Richard asked her.
"That was...just amazing..."
"You were amazing."
"Was I?"
"You were."
They said nothing after that, because nothing else needed to be said. They let the air blow over them and the sun shine on them, each never wanting the day to end, which was a clever use of irony by the author because I had stated earlier on that they were bored out of their minds. Nobody ever learned of their gushy, mushy, tit-laden, undressed, sticky, hot, ecstatic sex. Why in fact, they did it again not too long after. They they figured out that they actually liked each other and became mates for life. Heather toured the world at times and saw how unpleasant most of Asia was, and Richard won the county spelling bee, went to the regional championship, and saved the family farm. They had a few kids as well. All had Scandinavian names like Peter (pronounced Pie-tur) and Sven (pronounced Bob). All was right in the world.
...until a rather steamy blog was posted on the internet by some cow.