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The whole family were waiting for me, as if wanting to applaud me after spectating. Except Felix, who wasn't there at all.

Mum saw me looking around and said 'Colton took him to get a soda and have a little talk. Are you okay?'

So much for Dad talking to him first. How had she made that happen? Or was it Colton? I wished he hadn't interfered, and at the same time I truly knew how awesome he was.

'Yeah I think so,' I said, my leash offensive dropped just by her hands on my shoulders.

'At least you're talking,' she said. 'Did you walk out of there on talking terms?'

'Yeah,' I said. 'I think so. Sorry. I'm being a parrot. Mum...I think...I don't know what I think. I don't think you're going to either. Not even you. What he just told me's...I never would have thought it. He thought I'd be ashamed of him. I saw it in his eyes. I'm not ashamed of him. I love him. And...it's like you said. About beating him over the head with something.'

'Thought you'd understand.'

'I do understand,' I said. 'I'm just not going to tell him that just yet. Leash.' I mimed it, the way Chantelle had. 'Keep it tight. Right?'

'Not quite how I think of it,' she said. 'But hey, you have spent a week in a fox household. I knew I might get someone slightly different back.'

Get me back? Oh shit, she thought I was going to move back in?

Hadn't I just told Colton I missed my home and wanted it back?

What_did_ I want?

'What have you got there?' Mum said, looking at my hand.

Oh boy. I was still holding on to Deke's picture. 'Something Dad gave me. I promised I'd just keep it between us.'

'Money? Oh Todd, he didn't did he?'

'It's not money,' I said. 'I need to go put this back. It's his.'

'Keep it,' my mother said. 'Whatever it is.'

'Why?'

'Because if it's his then he'll have to see you to get it back.'

I thought about it for a moment, wondering if that was really the right thing to do. I didn't get to finish the thought. Felix was back, and this time he was looking at me. It was like I was some fascinating object he'd never seen before, but at least he could make eye contact. Then he nodded and gave me a slight smile. He held out his hand, palm up with fingers pointing to the ceiling. I didn't sigh with relief, but I did it inwardly, and put my own palm close to his. This was what the family called 'Felix's hug.' Felix didn't like being touched at all, by anyone, even his own family, so this was how he expressed a feeling of closeness instead. Another of Mum's ideas. Right then, he almost looked like he could try hugging me anyway.

I looked at Colton, as if to ask how the hell he'd made that happen. He just winked.

Alfie came in, looking like he'd had a rought night but at least made himself presentable. 'He awake yet? You ready for this?'

I put Deke's photo in my pocket. 'I did it without you,' I said.

* * *

'So come on then, spill,' Colton said. 'How did it go?'

We'd gone down to the Hub Box, as if to make a return visit the official marking of it as our new go-to joint. I'd said I needed a time out before I told him everything, and I still felt like I needed it now. Buying time was easy though.

'Before I tell you anything, exactly what did you say to Felix?'

Colton gave me a thoughtful and considered look. 'Sorry Todd-coon, I can't tell you that.'

'What?'

'I made him a promise. Things we talked about went no further than us.'

'But...okay, I understand. I respect that.' I truly did, even though it had come to me in an odd way. I should have guessed Colton might play a card like 'Pretend I'm the school counsellor and his rules apply to me,' or something. Mum sometimes used that one, and she always kept the secrets. She'd certainly kept enough of mine. 'But Colton...I dunno, whatever you said, much respect. I don't know how you turned it around. I've seen him look upset before and then there's the way he looked at me last night. It was...it's like it was hate. Total, genuine hate. On the face of a ten year old. Like I could handle Dad not liking I was gay, but a ten year old kid who's my brother? I was crying over that last night more than anything else. It started with Dad on the news and then there was all the rest.'

Colton looked torn now, and I hadn't intended for it. 'Alright. I promised I wouldn't tell. But think about it. You can guess if you think hard enough. Just don't let it twist your brain in knots all the time. Your brother's just a normal kid. And it wasn't hate. You misread it. And when he talks about this, trust me, you'll probably be the first he talks to.'

'Alright,' I said. 'Head not in knots. Not gonna let it happen. No worries.' I got Deke's picture out, knowing I had the prefect distraction. 'Here. Who do you think this is?'

Colton looked at it with a reporter's kind of methodical, puzzled fascination. 'It's you,' he said. 'Except it's not. Picture that old? It's a relative. Your old man got any brothers?'

'He did once.' I told him everything.

'You did all that right,' Colton said, our milkshakes and burgers gone by the time I'd finished, coffee in front of us now instead. 'It was a story, not an excuse. And an apology is more than words. Wonder how I know that's true, lately. Okay, listen, wanna know what I think? You look like Deke, right? So when was the last time you saw your grandparents?'

'We never go there, not since about ten years ago. They don't come here either. I don't even know why Dad never faced up to them, because they don't approve of half the stuff he ever did anyway. He was meant to be a cotton farmer just like them. He ran off to be a trucker. Having three kids was the limit. Four? Pushing it? All the way to nine? Uh-uh-uh. There was a big bust up last time Dad took us all there, when it was Alfie, Rocco, me, Lucy and Emily. You know what the grandparents said? It was all because their boy married a woman from Phoenix Arizona. Not a good ol' sweet home Alabama 'coon. She had blue in her fur. You getting this? Now look at me. The all-blue version of a dead son they don't talk about. I bet they even knew it when I was Felix's age. So every year we all get a Christmas card. That's about it. He takes me in that door now?' I looked at Deke's picture again. 'I actually think I might get shot. Or he would.'

Colton ignored my apparent exaggerating. 'Perfect. That's why he should. Apology isn't just about words, remember? Maybe it's about a road trip to clear family ghosts out. He told you he never confronted them about Deke? They're still alive, aren't they? It's not too late.'

'You can not suggest this to him. I'm serious. If it ever happens at all, it's not right now.'

'Your Dad bottled this for thirty years already. If you don't get him to do this, it aint gonna be later either, is it?'

'I don't know if that's the right thing, Colton. You walk before you run, right? You're trying to sprint. And you're doing it with 5k instead of the hundred meters.'

'Leave the sports analogies alone, Aldrington. You know I'm right.'

Colton's occasional use of my surname as if he was my coach or teacher was a quirk I'd come to like, but hearing him use it now took a different edge, and I knew he'd probably chosen it on purpose.

'I don't care if you're right,' I said. 'Don't interfere with this. You can tell me this kind of idea but not him. I'm walking a tightrope with this enough already.'

'When am I going to tell him? It's probably going to take years until he'll look at me, let alone have me in your house again. Way I see it, he'll -' Colton's phone rang. The ID said Albie O'Connor.

'You're not going to answer that, are you?'

'Erm, I've kind of got to. There's something I didn't tell you yesterday. He called me late last night. It's how I woke up. I only heard you crying downstairs because I had to pee after I talked to him. Hold on.' Colton answered. 'Albie. Did you do it?'

A long pause followed. I tried to make out what Albie was pouring out, but I couldn't hear the speaker over the surf music.

'No,' Colton said. 'We didn't agree that.' Another pause. 'I don't care if we made up for all that. I told you what to do and you knew it was right. I'm not getting you a lawyer, call your parents for that and confess to them too. What? No I'm not paying your fucking bail.' Pause. 'You're over-reacting. You told the truth and they'll never...' Colton took the phone away from his ear and touched end. 'Idiot.'

I was staring at him. 'No _way! Albie_burnt the Tarbuck's farm down?'

'He burnt the barn down,' Colton said. 'Not the house. He called me last night having a freak-out because he didn't know who else to turn to. He promised me it was just the barn. He heard about what Drew did to you and he was pissed, so he did something back. Guess he cared about us more than we both thought.'

I sighed. 'Not exactly a great way to show you care. So what now, you got him to tell the police and they charged him with the rest?'

'They charged him with the barn. They told him if one set the other off then he's looking at more than just an arson charge. I really don't get it, I never thought that could happen.' Colton looked bothered now, as if his good advice to a friend was going to have a long lasting backfire. 'The barn's at least two miles from the house. There was no wind that night. I don't get it.'

My phone rang now. I dug it out expecting Albie, but it was Rocco. 'Bro, you anywhere near a TV right now? What bar's that?'

'The Hub Box. There's no TV here, why?'

'Drink up and get somewhere with a TV and turn local news on. Drew Tarbuck got arrested last night, it's all over town. He went to Argle's again, the dumb fuckin' hick, he was drunk as a cooter, and when they wouldn't let him in he kicked off a bigtime bunch of shit with old Shiva Dixon. Bad idea. She didn't call Alfie this time. She took him down. Only when the cops took him away they had the kinds of questions you don't wanna be answering when you've had too many.'

'Inside job?'

'I gotta go, Mum wants something. Just get to a TV.'

'You get all that?' I said to Colton.

He nodded. 'I could load up the news on this,' he said waving his phone. 'But you know what? Argle's has a TV. And all the story that aint on it.'

* * *

It turned out that Drew Tarbuck had indeed done an inside job, but not the way most people would have thought.

He'd seen the barn go up. The whole family had. After calling the fire department they'd all gone down the two mile track to the barn in a truck. All except Drew, who'd had a better idea than trying to save the barn.

When I played the scenario through in my head, it all sounded like a perfectly believable soap opera plot.

After a few days of sulking, Drew Tarbuck had to admit that Alfie Aldrington had been right. The farm just didn't make bank. It hadn't for years, and every year the creditors had 'understanding meetings' with the old man, who just didn't ever turn things around, and sooner or later they weren't going to be understanding anymore.

The old man couldn't see it, or was too proud to admit it. So tonight, Drew Tarbuck was going to be a dutiful son and give his father the help he'd never accept. The house was going up along with the barn. It was probably that faggot raccoon and his fox who'd torched it, but he'd deal with them later. All that mattered now (and here was the part Drew would never admit to another living soul) was that those two faggots had actually done him a favour. Because they were going to end up charged for this. Two birds killed with one stone. Except to Drew, it was a great big boulder, launched out of a tremochet.

Drew Tarbuck, it turned out, also had a secret. In his early teenage, he'd managed to get hold of a copy of The Anarchist's Cookbook, and it had blown his mind. Some of it didn't work too well, some parts of it were out-dated, but that didn't matter. What mattered was the idea. Making better and more effective bombs was all a matter of finding the right info on the dark-web. The Anarchist's Cookbook was for amateurs once Drew found that.

Except part of him just didn't quite sit well with the idea of killing people. His daddy hadn't raised a terrorist. Just a bit of an oddball who liked mass destruction and after years of hating school finally found something to geek out about. It was just a fixation, he told himself. So was his Death Book, containing plans of his school and the names of all the people he didn't like. (When the police found it, they knew which two names they'd find on the most recent page. Turned out he'd added Alfie as well. Then his family. Then mine.)

Tonight was for action though. Finally, all this stuff he'd learned was going to make something happen.

That fox Colton Vincent was a smart one. He'd passed a test for the airforce. He probably knew about how to blow stuff up. Maybe the raccoon did as well. Maybe those two were even planning to do something like this anyway. But Drew Tarbuck, he was going to be one step ahead of them. He wasn't as stupid as people thought, and he was going to prove it, even if he was the only one who knew it. When those two went down for this, he was going to have a smile that even Alfie Aldrington couldn't wipe off his face. If he tried, he'd get a warning too.

It was just going to be a small explosion. A wired petrol bomb. After all, even Drew Tarbuck knew there was a notable difference between something burning down and something blowing up. The house just needed a catalyst. He'd set the thing off in the kitchen. That was the easiest way to do it. The place didn't have a working gas stove now because they company had cut the gas off last month. No problem though. Kitchens caught fire all the time. Dodgy wiring. He already had the right stuff upstairs. All he had to do was get the spare gas can from the back of his truck.

When his parents and brother saw the house burning from the distance, somehow they just knew. Or at least Howard Tarbuck did. God only knew what had possessed the kid, but God could care, because this might just be the answer to all their other prayers. So he got his wife and younger son in a huddle and told them what the story was going to be. The parents had gone down to the barn fire, leaving the boys in the house. They'd been the ones who smelt the smoke while eating dinner and got out and called the fire department again.

Brady Tarbuck made the call right then and there, in his best frightened voice, but that was the mistake: not talking to Drew first, who'd done the same thing. When the police and the fire department looked into the call logs and the timings, they knew something was wrong. They'd gone to ask them questions, but Brady was out of town staying with relatives and Drew...well, nobody knew where Drew had gone since he'd apparently caused a bunch of trouble at Argle's bar.

No matter. A few hours later, he surfaced.

Detective Dean Cooley knew a drunken confession would never wash in a court of law, but it didn't have to. All he got it for was to prime the suspect for tomorrow's aftermath, when he woke up with the worst hangover of his life, realising to his horror what he'd told the cops last night. Because Drew Tarbuck was the type smart enough to learn bomb making but not to learn about what to do if he ever got caught, let alone know much about courtrooms and the law. No surprise, Tarbuck poured out the whole thing, just about sober enough for it to count.

Including how he'd gone down the trapdoor into the cellar the family didn't use anymore and set up his own personal lab in there, a good five years ago. During the investigation the fire department simply hadn't noticed the little trapdoor under the stairs, because it looked just like the other singed floorboards. The family hadn't thought to mention it either, it hadn't stored anything for decades and nobody went down there because it was probably crawling with tarantulas. It wasn't. It was Drew Tarbuck's favourite room in the house. He even cleaned it better than his own bedroom. Now it was going to put him away for at least ten years, maybe more.

Preparing acts of terrorism. Preparing a hate crime. Conspiracy to commit murder. Conspiracy to commit insurance fraud. Arson. Reckless endangerment (the farm was near several others that were lucky to escape from going up themselves.)

Perhaps worst of all, Drew Tarbuck had unlicenced guns in his favourite room too. The family knew about the ones registered to the farm that Drew used, because they all liked them too. Good old members of the NRA to the core. What they hadn't known was Drew had his own stockpile. Most of them with serial numbers filed off. Was he planning a high-school shooting if his bomb making never became good enough to do what he wanted? The evidence was a little vague, but one question remained: where did someone like Drew Tarbuck get the money for all this?

That was the question that left him sweating. The one where he went for 'No comment,' then a moment later asked for a lawyer. Whoever had supplied him with all this hardware, they obviously wanted him to become good at what he was doing. A terrorist organisation grooming a young and misguided deer, all starting with how he just didn't quite fit in at school, and maybe it was everyone else's fault that his family was poor and had struggled hard all their lives. But people were going to see what happened when you doubted someone like Drew Tarbuck.

I sat there in Argles, not drinking the coke I'd ordered because the headache of last night's cocktail had just started to kick in, and I imagined Dean Cooley saying 'Look son, you could spend the next twenty years of your life in jail or you could get a judge to go easy if you turn state's evidence and tell us about these people you've been talking to. It's not too late to have a future, and being a highschool oddball don't matter when you're no longer in highschool...'

'You think he'd actually have killed us?' Colton said, looking uncertain in a way I'd never seen before. 'Was he serious with all that or was that book of his just a release?'

'Seems serious enough to me,' I said. 'But I don't know. Maybe not. Or maybe later he might have done something to someone. It doesn't matter. They caught him and they've stopped him.' I couldn't pretend I wasn't shaken up though. Or that I was also imagining my bored father on his hospital bed watching the local news, and then asking what the hell had been happening with me while he'd been away. Mum hadn't even mentioned the fight to me, though she surely knew. What a way for him to find out.

Shiva came over. 'You boys okay?'

'Yeah,' Colton said. 'Are you?' He was looking at her bandaged hand.

'Oh don't worry about that,' she said. 'I could do this job with no hands. And breaking it on Drew Tarbuck's face was worth it anyway.'

'You don't think he'll press charges?'

'Honey, the only thing he's gonna be pressing is a second hand set of prison clothes. Besides, why would I worry? A rat sheet gonna affect my career?'

Even with one hand she was doing her usual effortless clear-round of people plates and topping up of coffees and fetching bills. Everyone in this placed loved Shiva Dixon, regulars or people who were just passing through. 'Hey Colton,' I said, remembering my talk with Shiva before Drew had turned up that night. 'There's something I forgot to tell you too. That night I...'

'What?' Colton said, after a moment. 'You okay? You're looking like me on a blank day.'

I wasn't blank. Quite the reverse. All the families I'd seen as I watched Shiva, and the thought of her two boys and the ex husband she'd somehow won over about their coming out had brought something to me I couldn't place, until I knew what I was supposed to connect these feelings to, and I was thinking of Felix's 'hug' and I knew Colton was right. It really wasn't hard to see the real picture at all.

It wasn't hate on his face that night at all. Or if it was, then it was all aimed at himself, and it went mostly with shame. And fear. And how maybe the worst part of it was knowing that if Dad hadn't come back, or died in that accident, certain things might have been easier for him to think about. Or say. All of it was pinballing around in his ten year old head the way it had once done in mine. Except not until later on.

I looked at Colton. 'You asked him who he likes.'

'Who?'

'Felix,' I said, and I smiled. A great ear to ear smile, or both relief and unexpected happiness. How could I have been so blind that I'd never thought of this, let alone seen it. 'That's it, isn't it? He took Dad's side in all this because he saw what Dad did to me and he got scared it might happen to him too. If he started talking about what he's been feeling like. About other guys.'

'I....can't tell you, Todd. I made a promise.'

He just had.

I thought about it. Maybe Felix wasn't actually gay, but just got odd feelings he couldn't place. Maybe it took Dad throwing me out and hearing what got said for him to connect it all. When someone like Felix started trying to connect stuff like that...it all added up to that look on his face. Maybe he actually would turn out to be gay. After all, that's how my feelings started. Not at such an early age, but I knew it was possible. Or maybe all along it had been that way with me and I'd just never noticed.

'Come on. Tell me I'm right. Mum got you to talk to him because she knew but for once in her life she didn't dare go somewhere. Because if someone in the family asked that question then he might just shut down about it all for good. But if someone he could trust asks and promises to keep his secret...you know what, don't tell me. You're right. You promised.' 'It blows my mind trying to work out how that kid thinks,' Colton said. 'Your old man says you're the smart one? Believe me, you've got a rival. I hardly did much talking. Just one or two questions and then I said to him how some people can't help that they like other guys just like some can't help that they've got Asperger's. And some people don't like how that makes them different from their idea of normal. Or good. But we've still got to live together, so why be ashamed of what each other's got, or the way we are? I didn't need to bother saying any of that. Not after what he told me he already knew. About both. And right at the end of it...he might process emotions differently but it's like he knew he'd blown my head off. And he just smiled and said "I like being an Aspie. Mum says I shouldn't call it that but it makes it cool. And I'm not supposed to call Todd a buttstuffer like you do." '

I sniggered. 'When's he ever heard you call me that?' Dumb question, Colton probably minced no words even when trying to talk a ten year old into showing it wasn't wrong to still love his brother, or have things he didn't tell their father. I rolled my eyes. '_Colton._For God's sake.'

Colton waited for me to take a drink, then in an almost perfect imitation of Felix's voice and body language said ' "So do you think I'm going to want to stuff someone's butt one day?" '

I nearly choked, covering myself and the bar in coke. 'You jackass! He so did not sat that!' I grabbed some napkins and wiped up as quickly as I could. 'Did he?'

'Alright, no, he didn't say that. But can we change subject before I feel like I broke my promise to him? I told you, he'll probably come to you.' Colton grinned. 'Or if he's smart maybe he won't.'

I took out the picture of Deke again. 'You think it really is genetic? Coz if it is I guess it's Dad's side of the family I got it from. They all pretend this poor guy never existed. Apart from Dad. At least he went to the funeral. And went when Deke said he was sick.'

Colton finally looked like there was a level of heaviness too much even for him. He finished his drink. 'I'm sorry I never took you seriously when you brought up the unprotected thing.'

'It doesn't matter, Colton. I wasn't thinking about it when I said that. You got the test and so did I. Water under the bridge.'

'I've gotta say this though. Just once. I think we need to make each other a promise. We'll both come back clean, I know it. But...look, I'm not a saint. Just like Mum said. If we're together then I only want to be with you. But sometimes what I know's right and how I behave aren't quite the same thing. So...if I ever do something stupid like a spur of the moment fuck with someone else then I promise I'll tell you. I doubt I've got to worry much about you doing something like that. And I don't know, maybe one day we might end up being one of those couples who re-ignite the flame by deciding we should try it with other people. But if any of this happens, we need an honesty pact. And before you freak out a little like I know you're already doing, the more I think about that story the more I wonder if Deke might be alive if he'd only said what I just did to whoever he was with.'

'You don't have to try so hard, Colton. I get it. All of it. Okay, honesty pact it is. But really. Who else is gonna wanna fuck me?'

'You're the one who said it, raccoon.' His phone rang. Albie again, presumably bailed and released now. Colton switched the phone off completely. 'Forget about him. I'm with someone who doesn't need to burn down a barn to show he cares about me.'

'So how do we seal this honesty pact?' I slid my bare feet down the side of the barstool. 'Paw inspection?'

'Shhh! Shut up!' Colton said, already looking around himself and seeing Shiva smile at both of us. 'God, is your brother really an Aspie or has he just learned tactless behaviour from you? Boy, whatever way it turns out he swings, he's going to need a_very_ understanding partner one day.'

'He'll be alright,' I said. 'After all, I found one.'