Equestrian Afterlife - Ed Lives
#2 of The Equestrian Afterlife
"Ow... ow... ow... hurts. My everything hurts." Ed woke up to pain everywhere on his body. He also found that whatever he was laying on was very hot and was just beginning to burn his skin. He opened his eyes and was blinded by the very bright sun in a bright blue sky. Squinting, he looked around and saw he was in a desert. "WHERE AM I" he screamed. A hot gust of wind was the only thing that answered him. Then he remembered his visit with Death and how he died. A single tear was shed in memory of his past life as he made an effort to sit up but found it difficult due to his weight on the shifting sand.
"I hate sand, it's coarse, rough, irritating and it gets everywhere." Ed noticed that as he was struggling to stand, some sand did get into his shorts and shoes. "Fucking sand, it really DOES get everywhere, fuck!" Sweat started to bead on his brow. He finally stood up and took inventory. He was warning navy blue shorts, a tan t-shirt, and white socks with his "cross trainer" shoes. His watch was gone, a noticeable white ring around his wrist indicating where it used to be. Checking his pockets, they were empty, no wallet, and no phone to be found. "Well it looks like I have zero connection to my past life and.... fucking sand!" Small amounts of sand fell from his shorts landing on his shoes slowly filling them up.
"'Heaven like experience' my big fat ass, Death you lying bitch."
"Hey!" A young, angry feminine voice shouted from behind Ed. Startled, he spun around nearly losing his footing in the sand. Death had appeared right behind him. This time she was wearing black shorts and a black T-shirt. Ed could see more of her bony arms and legs and was still freaked out about that. She noticed him staring "Do you like what you see?" teased Death. Smiling, she struck an alluring pose.
"No," came Ed's uncaring answer. "What the fuck is this?" he gestured to the desert in general. "This doesn't seem like a heaven like place to me, I have sand in places the sun hasn't seen in decades."
Death got a sick look on her face at the thought of where that sand could be. Ed wondered about his previous thought: if it were possible skeletons could throw up, but she held it in check. Her smile slowly returned. "You're just getting started! This is your adventure. Go somewhere! See what happens!"
"Look at me, do I look like the kind of person who likes adventures?" Again pointing out his plus sized physique. "I just want to play Overwatch."
"You know, I was in the middle of a competitive game when you summoned me. Thanks for the loss by the way."
Ed looked puzzled. "What do you mean 'I summoned you?'"
"When you call my name, you summon me. This world was created for you based on the fiction you experienced, but some subjects need guidance while adjusting to their new afterlife. So I will be your guide through it," Death finished with a small curtsy.
"What do you know about Equestria?"
With a frown, Death held up her hand. Her scythe faded into existence spinning fast and smoothly landed in her hand. With practiced ease, she twirled it around behind her and then in front and suddenly slammed the handle end into the ground. Instantly, Death grew and changed to the frightening visage Ed had witnessed before. A long bony finger pointed directly at Ed who started to back away. The loud booming voice returned, "I know EVERYTHING about you." Each word dripped with evil undertones. "Which means I know everything about this world that was created for you. DO NOT question my knowledge again." Again she threw her scythe directly at the cowering Ed, and it disappeared just before the blade made contact with his neck. Her young feminine voice returned, "do I make myself clear?"
"Yes ma'am," came Ed's girl like response.
"So, like I said, do something!"
"Fuck! Dammit you're being extra annoying right now. Shit, is it hot." Ed looked around, he could see nothing but sand and Death. He then noticed something else about Death. She wasn't casting a shadow like he was. "What's with that?" Ed asked pointing at the ground under Death.
She looked down at her feet and frowned in sadness. "About that..." she fidgeted and held out her hand and beckoned him to take it. He tentatively stepped forward and reached for it but his hand passed right through hers as if she was a ghost. "Since you're technically alive, I can't physically interact with you like I could while you were dead back in limbo. I'm not really here."
"Well ain't that just fucking great." Ed threw his hands up in exasperation. Beads of sweat started to trickle down from his head. "A guide who isn't here. That's helpful as shit."
"Ed, don't be a whiny baby and stop throwing a tantrum."
"FINE! Which way am I supposed to go?"
"Why don't you just pick a direction for yourself."
"What kind of fucking 'guide' are you? You say 'you know everything,'" Ed mimicked Death's evil sounding voice as best he could, "but you can't even tell me which way to go... which is exactly what the job description of a guide is."
Death looked at Ed with a serious expression and came closer. "Look, I AM your guide. For the most part, I will help you make decisions, but I can't tell you how to live your afterlife." She noticed that Ed was sweating profusely now. "Stop being a baby and just start walking."
Wiping his brow, Ed continued to look into Death's empty eye sockets. He saw concern and this still confused him on how a skull could show emotion. "OK. ok." By now, Ed's shirt was half soaked in his sweat. "Fuck, it's hot." He started to walk. Death's characteristic smile returned. After 30 seconds, he was panting, trying to catch his breath. After two minutes of walking, he stumbled over his own foot and fell back into the burning sand. "I..." he let out a wheeze. "I don't feel very good." Ed had stopped sweating. "I feel like I have the worst hangover."
Death looked down at him, her smile still on her face. "It's probably the heat stroke."
Wheezing, Ed asked "Can't I," gasping, "die from that?"
Death held up her hand to the air and her scythe reappeared. She easily caught it. "Yes, but it's not your time yet." After holding up the scythe, she disappeared.
"You..." Ed's eyes started to lose focus, "fuc..." gasping, "fucking..." one final gasp "bitch." Ed passed out.
Ed awoke and found that he was inside a room. It was dark and a lot cooler than when he was out on the sand. He looked down and could barely make out bed sheets that covered him. They smelled clean. He then got a searing jolt of pain in his head forcing his eyes closed and he quickly lied back down to help it subside. Next, he heard a commotion from someone entering the room.
Half delirious, he spoke out. "Mom, is that you?"
A caring female voice replied. "There, there now, just relax." Ed could feel a cold compress being applied to his head. "You've been asleep for almost nine hours now."
"I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamed that I died. Then I was in the desert and died again. It was terrible." The compress was quickly abating the pain in his head.
"Well, you're safe and sound now, back in good 'ol Dodge City."
Ed's eye snapped open. "Dodge City?" The lights in the room came on and Ed could finally see again. He looked towards the voice. "You're a p--" the word caught in his throat. "You're a po--"
"My name is Sand. Sand Traps. I'm an earth pony."
"Yeah!" Ed was freaking out again. Seeing a pony in front of him caused his mind to race. "But you're so..." he couldn't find the right words. "You're so..." He took a deep breath, "real!"
"Just relax Hanes, you have a big case of heat stroke."
Ed tried to get out of bed and as the sheets slipped away, he noticed he was only in his underwear. "Ahh!" He threw the sheets back over his lower body. "Where are my shorts?"
Embarrassed, Sand Traps turned and pointed "Over there, on my hope chest." She turned back to Ed "I've never see underwear before, Hanes."
Ed was confused. "Hanes? Why do you keep calling me Hanes?"
"That is your name, isn't it? Hanes?" Moving towards the bed Sand Traps, tried to remove the sheets to show Ed "It's written all over your underwear." Ed grabbed the sheets and made sure he was covered. "I guessed they call you Hanes."
"No. People actually call me Ed."
"Oh." Sand Traps got up from the chair positioned next to the bed "Well, pleased to meet you, Ed... Hanes" and she sat down right next to Ed. He could feel her body heat through the sheets and he started to freak out. This was all too real for him. He looked at her and noticed how large and expressive her eyes were. She looked at him with a deep concern and little something else. "Do you mind if I sit here?" she asked.
Ed started to scoot away, "No, Fine. No. Good. Fine, good."
Sand Traps reached towards Ed with the compress once again "You had a bad case of heat stroke."
Ed panicked and scooted back even farther not realizing that the pony bed he was on was much smaller than his normal bed and fell off, landing on the floor with a thud.
"Sandy! Are you in there?" A new voice came from outside the bedroom door.
Sand Traps panicked. "Oh Celestia! It's my roommate." She left the bed and went to her hope chest. "Quick, put your shorts back on," throwing them at him with probably more force than necessary. Ed had to stand to catch them and the sheets fell away. Sand Traps went to exit the room but stopped to take one last look at Ed as he was fumbling with his shorts catching glimpses of his underwear. She then left, slamming the door behind her.
Ed started to put his shorts back on, but his foot got caught in the fabric "Shit." And he fell to the ground again with another thud.
Lying on the ground Ed finished putting on his shorts and couldn't believe what he had just seen. Several thoughts went through his head. "A real fucking pony. Holy shit. Their eyes are really that big! Their snouts are smaller than I thought. Hmmm." Then a different thought occurred to him. "Did I really just go through a BTTF scene?" Ed stood up, sighed and cursed aloud "I can't believe this shit.....DEATH!"
"What!?" A cheery voice responded. Ed turned and saw Death standing beside the bed wearing a black one piece dress and a cocky smirk.
"What the fuck is this shit? I'm supposed to be in a heaven like world based on the last fiction I experienced. After thinking it over, I know I was reading MLP fan fiction, so the pony makes sense. But why did I just go through a BTTF scene? I haven't even seen the movie in like seven years.
"Remember, this world was created for you based on the last fiction you experienced. But it isn't solely based on it... just mostly."
"Mostly?"
Death gave a firm nod "Yeah, mostly."
"So, other parts are going to be from other fiction I 'experienced?'" Ed gave himself his own air quotes for the last word.
"Well, yeah. Most fiction doesn't have enough material to fill an entire world so, smaller pieces of other fiction will be borrowed to fill in those gaps. Makes sense?"
"So I can expect more bullshit mixed in with the pony bullshit, got it." Ed said with a sardonic thumbs up.
"Great! Now get out there and have some dinner. Sandy really wants to get to know you," Death said and finished with a wink.
"Woah, whoa, whoa. How the hell does a skull wink, and do you mean that Sand Traps pony?"
"I wink like this," she winked again, "and yes I mean her."
"I watched you wink again and I still don't know how you did it. Anyway, why does she want to get to know me? I'm a fat slob who can't do anything here in Equestria."
For the first time, Ed saw Death actually get mad. Her face showed pure rage. She held her hand to the air and her scythe flew right to it. Again, she morphed into the overwhelmingly frightening form, then held her head towards the sky and erupted a roar. It was so loud Ed had to cover his ears. Next she looked directly into Ed's soul as he looked back to where her head would be. He could only see empty blackness and felt as if his very essence was being drawn into it once more. She screamed in a evil rage and pointed her scythe directly at Ed, "THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING, MORTAL. I will not let you berate yourself, not in your own afterlife. Now, GET OUT THERE!" she pointed to the door.
Ed let loose the patented girlish shriek and ran to the door. He was so shaken that his hands fumbled with the door knob. He looked back and saw Death still staring him down. She didn't look any less angry and then yelled "NOW!"
Ed finally got the door open and left the room.
Author's Note:
Ed really hates sand.
So you don't have to search for it yourself (you lazy bastards).