I Know You Don't Want Me
Written in a single sitting, a single blood-letting. Written for someone, for no one, for anyone. Probably shouldn't be allowed out on its own.
Look, I already know you don't want me. Can we just back the fuck away from that for a minute?
_ I don't want to hurt you._
You'll hurt me a gods-damned sight worse if you push me away.
_ Why do you keep coming back to me?_
Because I love you.
Why?
Because the heart wants what it wants. I thought you'd figured that part out by now. It's what got you here.
_ And the heart doesn't want what it doesn't want._
And that's what got me here.
_ You mustn't stay._
Yes, I must. I promised that I would never abandon you. I'll keep to that.
_ You aren't abandoning me. I'm sending you away._
Which means that you're pushing away anyone who loves you.
_ But you want me._
Yes. Always have. With all my heart and soul, forever, I want you.
_ But I don't want you._
No. I knew that. I hoped you did, for a little while there, but you didn't. You never have, not really.
_ I did, sort of, but... I couldn't. I know what I really want. I know who I really want, even when who I really want wasn't sure. Still isn't, maybe._
Yes. I know who you really want, too. Why do you think that I tried all I could to keep you two together?
_ That hurt you._
Yes and no. There was a moment when I thought you wanted me, but it passed, because you told me that you had a chance again to be with who you wanted. Yes, it hurt to know that we'd never be together, but it felt good when you were happy. I knew that you wanted that relationship, to make you happy. I want you to be happy.
_ What about your happiness?_
I'm not even sure that it's possible anymore. There are whole months when I feel that my purpose in this life is to be the person Tantalus could look to and think that he didn't have it so bad after all. I am doomed, dear, never to get what I want. Never. But for what it's worth, I experienced what I thought of as Happiness when you got what you wanted, when you felt happy and strong, strong enough to talk with me. You shared with me what you could, when you were happy. When you felt strong, you helped me to believe in me. You were part of me, part of my life. When you were unhappy, and you pushed me away, that's what hurt.
_ I don't want anyone to see me hurting._
I know that. What you don't know is that I may be the one safe place you have where it's okay for you to hurt.
_ I don't understand that._
Don't you? You called me your rock, once. You said that you knew you could always rely on me to be there for you. I was, as much as you'd let me. But the last thing you'd ever admit to anyone was that you needed them. I read between the lines. Was I wrong?
_ Maybe._
Okay, maybe. But don't try to tell me that you don't need someone. You want who you want, and by damn, you also need who you want. If you didn't need, you wouldn't have landed yourself here.
_ Do you need me?_
Gods-damned right I do. I need you, love you, want you.
_ But I don't want you. I'm sorry, but I don't._
You're not the first to tell me that. I could fill a phone book with those who don't want me.
_ That's cruel._
It's not your doing. It's what I've experienced for decades.
_ How can you want me so much and stand to be around me, when I don't want you?_
Because I need you. I want you, I love you, and I need you. You can't be my spouse or my lover, because you don't want me. I got that part. I did -- I got it a long time ago, and yes, I confess that I did keep out a sliver of hope, but never, never once, did I want you not to get who you want. One of us is enough, on that point. I wanted you two to be together, because it made you happy, and you being happy meant that you were strong enough to trust that I could keep my word. I can't stop wanting you; that's not possible. But I've known for a very long time now that I can't act on it.
_ I'm sorry._
I know that. I do, really.
_ Can you forgive me?_
No, because it's not something that needs forgiving. It just is. And yeah, it sucks balls, but it's the truth. That's what I'm trying to get you to understand. The truth is, I love you. The truth is, I will never have you. The truth is, I may never have anyone in this world, and that certainly features high on the list of reasons for leaving it. The truth is also that, because I love you, I will not abandon you. The truth is, I want you to be happy, because when you're happy, you're strong enough to believe in the relationship that we do have, and that it's safe, and that you can find yourself in that safe space.
_ But that hurts you._
Yes.
_ Then why do you do it?_
Why do you think I have a choice? The heart wants what it wants, and that's not something that we can control. With strength, we may control what we do about it, but our emotions are what they are.
_ Because it's not healthy to choose me like that, to choose to hurt yourself._
Would you rather I hurt myself by giving up on this beshitted world, once and for all?
_ No._
Do you want to live in a world without me in it?
_ No._
Then let me hurt myself in non-lethal ways. I'll let you do the same, and we'll both keep going, for whatever stupid Reason of the Week we can come up with. But we'll both have one safe place: Right here. Where you can know that someone loves you, no matter what, and without strings. I'm not strong enough not to wantyou, but I'm strong enough not to do anything about it, as long as you don't push me out entirely.
_ That makes me responsible for you._
And me responsible for you.
_ I can only be responsible for me. No one else. Just me._
Seriously? Do people still try to believe that 70's bullshit, hiding behind misused words like "codependent"? Being responsible for one another being responsible to one another... that's what real relationships are, the important ones anyway. You know that, when you two were together, you wanted to be responsible, be strong, bring home the bacon, be solid and stable. You wanted to be responsible for that other being in your life. And now that you two are together, you are responsible for each other. That's what you wanted, and now you have it. You don't want to be that kind of responsible for me, but you are responsible for me, just as I am for you, to that precise degree that we need one another. That's what realrelationships are. If not, then you could walk away from any relationship, at any time, for any reason, and not give a hot flying fuck.
_ I can't be responsible for you._
Then you can push me away. Feel nothing. Let words and past be meaningless.
_ I don't want to hurt you._
The you feeling something. We may not be responsible for our feelings, but we're responsible for what we do with them. That began the moment that we chose, foolish souls hat we are, to exist in this world. That's pain enough. We soothe that pain by being there for each other, by choosing to extend our responsibilities to one another. That's what love is all about.
_ You want to be responsible for me?_
As best I can be, yes. You told me of times when you wanted to top yourself. I couldn't stop you; that's an action I could not prevent, if you chose it. You can't stop me, either. Because that's true, because either or both of us could make that choice, we are not responsible for the other's suicide. Suicide is about cutting off all of your responsibility to anyone and everyone, and it leaves a bloody trail behind it. And if you kill yourself, I'll be gods-damned pissed off and tempted to follow right behind. It's tough enough for me to pretend to have reasons to keep going through the agonies of this beshitted world, and I gods-damned don't want to live in a world without you in it.
_ And if I'm hit by a bus?_
I'll grieve like fuck, but I know it won't have been your choice. That's the difference. At least you won't have thrown me away. I can't tell you not to end this life; I spend most of my days wishing that I weren't alive in this world anymore. Perhaps that's the difference. Suicide is making the choice to cut off everything and everyone. What I want is to stop hurting like this, to have the pain end without abandoning my responsibility to those I love. I will keep going through all this pain for as long as I feel my responsibility. I will share love as best I can, until I realize that either no one loves me enough to make this pain worthwhile any longer, or that I am loved so well that the pain fades and I am able to let myself fade into that love in this world and then transcend with that love into the next. We choose to share love, as best we can, in the best way that we can, with everyone we want to be responsible for and responsible to. If they choose not to share love back, kick 'em in the nads and be done with them. The trick is how to share love with them. I know I'm not your spouse, your lover, not even your neighbor, but I love you, and I want to share that love with you in every way that you are able to accept_._
_ But you want me. And it I know how much it hurts to want someone you can't have._
But I canhave you, and you me, in ways that we are able to share. Break down the word, misspell it: Response-Able. Able to respond. Able to reach across this near-infinite distance and touch with the gesture of a word. I've never really told you that, have I -- the feeling I have, when I see a message from you on my computer? You have no real idea. It's not 'sempai noticed me' or something. It means that you thought about me, and you showed me. That's two things. If it's a thought or a joke that caught your attention, that's three things, because you wanted to share it with me. And if we get to chat, to banter, to share our stories... This is what it means to be intimate. Yes, I want more of you, but I need you to see how much of ourselves we've already shared. Loving you is the sweetest thing in my life. I don't want ever to be without it.
_ I'm not that strong._
Neither am I.
_ You're stronger than I am._
Where did you get that stupid fucking idea?
_ Because you want to go on being hurt by having me in your life._
No. I want to go on having you in my life for the joy that it gives me. Yeah, it hurts, knowing that I can never have you the way I most crave in all the world... but that's not because of you. It's because I don't know anyone else that I've been able to feel this close to.
_ What if you did?_
Okay, what if I did?
_ Would you go off with him?_
Not at your expense. If the rule of my relationship with another is that I have to cut you off, then that relationship is already off to a bad start, and I'm not going to expend more energy on it. If a relationship demands that I stop being who I am -- furry, writer, gay, lover, passionate, needful, sensualist -- it is over before it could even start. With all the pain I have suffered just to BE, I will not abandon myself. If I am to have any hope of loving myself, and thus loving others, I will not abandon myself. Likewise, I will not abandon you. I have no reason to, nor cause to, nor will I ever. You are part of me, and as I've said, I want you, I need you, I love you. Will it hurt you to think I'm happy, to be with someone else?
_ No. I want you to be happy._
Just as I want you to be happy.
_ How can you be happy, trying to keep up a relationship where you want more out of it than I do?_
By being that safe place for you. You being happy makes you stronger, and you can keep being that safe place for me, which makes me stronger. It's a synergistic process. Of course, if both of us are being miserable... well, we're still stronger together than separately, because -- correct me if I'm wrong here -- we want to lift each other up as best we can. So we'll feel our misery together, and we'll sigh heavily, and then we'll realize that there's one other person in this world who cared enough to still be there. And that's love, and therefore we are both loved, and therefore we'll come up with another gods-damned Reason of the Week and give it all one more bash. We will take that short moment to be responsible for each other, for each other's happiness, and through that, we'll find just a little bit more strength.
_ How long can we keep that up?_
How long have you got? I will keep going as long as you need me. If you stop needing me, I might have to do some serious searching to think this hateful existence is worth continuing. Maybe I'll find a reason, and maybe I won't. If I don't, and I give up, that's not your responsibility. There is no reason in this world for any of us to live, except for each other. If you can't live with that, you're dead anyway, even if you're still walking around. We have nothing but our relative values to one another to explain, excuse, or make worthwhile the meaningless agony that is This Life. You can't love everyone, and everyone can't love you... but you find those who make this benighted life worth living, and you cherish and care for and be responsible for them. When one of them passes, for whatever reason, you grieve... and you will survive as long as you never have to grieve alone. Those who take responsibility for you, who love you, who want and need you, will help you get through. That's what we're here for. Of the rest... that which expands our hearts, makes our love feel bigger, gives us greater openness, that is worth choosing. Only the path that has heart is of any value.
_ I don't understand._
Reach out to me. Walk with me. Open yourself to me in this safe place. We will learn from each other, and we will grow, and from this, we will make a world worth living in. I know you don't want me. Maybe you still need me. Maybe that's enough.
Wait... I want to give you something.
What's this?
_ It's the story of my life. It's very dark in places, and there's more than a little blood, some of it mine, some of it others'. Parts aren't safe, and there's a lot of hurt. It's echidna-spiky, dry and barren, and it's probably not worth very much._
You don't believe that's entirely true.
_ Why not?_
Would you really want to give something valueless? And besides... there's something running through all of it that I happen to know is extremely valuable. It's You. It's who I fell in love with, and who I pledged not to abandon, and who I still want and need and willingly take responsibility for. So thank you for your gift. I give you mine, and I hope that you can see something valuable in it.
_ I already do._
Then we're ready to take on what's next.
_ Really?_
I'll fake it if you will.
_ Deal._