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I don't like to talk about it... But staying in the refugee camp was a very difficult period in my life. Every day, people shared their stories and most of them were horrible stories to hear. As the weeks passed by, I saw families torn apart by the war. And each day, I was reminded by the gruesome truth by seeing them. People were wounded, both mentally and psychically. Everyone lost someone during the war and they looked for support with each other. People were united... Unity through faith and hope for the future even though it wasn't much... Each day, new people arrived in the camp, while the soldiers guarded the camp and the perimeters. Some people were wounded when they got carried in. And one day, I saw a military convoy of vehicles coming, making their way to the sickbay. So I followed the convoy, and when they arrived at the sickbay, wounded soldiers were carried out. One had his leg missing when he got carried out, and screamed his lungs out in pain while I saw the bone-fragment sticking out of his leg, and blood was dripping on the ground. His leg had a tourniquet wrapped around it, but it didn't really stop the bleeding. It looked kinda messy, as if his leg was wrapped around in duct-tape in a hurry. Another soldier was carried out from the back of a truck who was on a stretcher. His stomach was torn apart and his guts could fall out any second, but unlike the other soldier, he wasn't screaming in pain. Instead, they placed him in some kind of a sleeping bag, except that it was black and it was zipped until his body wasn't visible anymore. I was staring at them from a distance, until someone noticed I was watching. A soldier yelled at another soldier and I got carried away from the scene...

Every day, I kept thinking about my mother. Even today, there hasn't been a single day gone by without thinking of her. It was very difficult at first... But they took good care of me... Alice and Ryan were there when they found me and Ryan was the only one I could have a conversation with in my own language. And even though I didn't understand Alice in all the things she ever said to me, we grew a bond. Language wasn't a barrier... She became a mother figure to me... Alice showed me pictures of her daughter Janie, who looked a bit like me, except she was white with black stripes and spots. Alice told me she's around my age. But over the months, as I started to learn the language, I had a better understanding of the things she said to me... And in the mean time, I tried to live a somewhat normal life... The kids at the camp received education and stuff, so it wasn't an exception for me. Arithmetic's, languages, geography and all that... I was very scared in the beginning... But at some point, you'll get used to being scared... You don't even notice that you are. In just a couple of weeks, the MNAF managed to push the rebel militias back, away from us... And so, the months passed by while the war raged on...

'You okay, Ceylan...?'

I got snapped out of it by the sound of her sweet voice.... Nikki stands there at the doorpost in her nightie, holding a tray with two cups of tea as she looks worried at me. The moment I smiled weakly at her, she smiled back and carefully made her way inside the bedroom. She places the cups of tea on our nightstand, and then sits on our bed...

'Yeah, I'm fine...'

'I heard you talking in your sleep earlier tonight...'

´I did...?'

She simply just nods to answer my question and I let out a deep sigh as Nikki starts to caress my hair. She looks me in the eyes and had a weak smile on her face... The moment I did the same to her, she gets on top of my stomach, and rests her head on my shoulder, holding me close, and kisses me gently on my cheek...

'I love you...'

'I love you too, dushi...'

Nikki always does this whenever I can't sleep. I don't want her to wake up whenever I'm having a sleepless night, but to me, it feels as if she knows whenever I'm having one. She always starts to cuddle me, and whispers that everything will be alright. Then she always gets up to make two cups of tea, and we cuddle each other until we fall asleep...

She's a wonderful girl... Nikki cares a lot about everyone and everything... Even to people she doesn't know, which can make her very naïve... And I guess that's one of her bad sides... People take advantage of her kindness... Nikki always shoves her own problems aside to help out others but it took its toll on her for bottling up her own problems and emotions a long time ago... She's very fragile, and it doesn't take much to hurt her feelings deeply. But she never cries whenever others are around... Whenever the two of us were together, I saw her crying many times... But I saw how she changed over the years, from a very shy timid girl to a "happy go lucky" kinda girl... I never had a part in that. Or at least, that's what I think... She did this on her own and managed to settle everything straight for herself and finally accepted herself for who she is... And I can honestly say that I'm very proud of her for what she has accomplished...

Nikki is the kind of girl you wouldn't notice in a crowd. Timid and shy, closing herself down to other people... But for one reason or another, I managed to break through that barrier... And she slowly opened herself up towards me. I know absolutely everything about her. The two of us experienced a lot in the past, in our youths and together, which is the reason why we always stay with each other... We can relate to each other in so many different ways... I love her from the bottom of my heart for what she has done for me. I was lost for so many years, and the day I met her was as if she took my hand and guided me through, to where we are today. But the road was long and difficult for us. To me, it feels as if I have to protect Nikki from everything that could harm her because of the things that happened. Call it some sort of a "mother's instinct" or something... Maybe it was because of her naiveties that cause me to act like that towards her... As if she had a lack of life experience... As if she never truly lived before... She never had the chance to do so, and wasn't given an opportunity... Or at least, that's what she said to me. Nikki tried for so long, and whenever we were talking about it, I realized she gave up on that a long time ago. So I wanted her to experience everything that life can offer. Going out, meeting people, friendship, doing things together... And truly experiencing what love should all be about...

I used be exactly like her. Nikki and I know each other for more then two and a half years now and the bond that we have is considered to be rare. We are the total opposites of each other but can relate to one another. As if we needed each other to get through... We compensate one another... Two and a half years is nothing in a lifetime. It's just a fraction of a moment. But in that short period, Nikki and I have build up a bond together most people can't even build up in their entire life. Like I said, I believe that life is measured in experiences and achievements and not in years alone. Some experiences were very difficult to overcome for the two of us... But we managed to get through, and all the difficult decisions we had to make and the things we had to overcome only got us closer in the end... I honestly don't know how to describe Nikki, what my feelings are for her and what she means to me. But I do know that she's the most caring, sweetest girl I've ever met and that she's the best friend I'll ever have. I consider myself very lucky to be loved by her and that she wants to share her life with me. But a lot of things happened years before I met her. She keeps me stable... I only wish I could've met her many years ago...

I want her to be happy. And I know that I can make her happy... She knows I'm willing to do absolutely anything for her to make her happy and I know what I mean to her. I feel it in every touch she gives me... I see it in her eyes... I hear it in her voice... It only gets stronger whenever we were having sex... I had to feel it... To see it... To hear it... I just can't stop touching her... And seeing her down on my stomach in front of me... Feeling her soft fur... Gently rubbing her feet against my paws... Hearing her breathe quietly... Nikki has her eyes closed... And I already felt my hands drifting away...

She falls asleep a couple of moments later, just like that... But I can't... I got up to go to the bathroom... Leaning above the sink, staring at myself in the mirror... "Fuck... I'm a total mess..." My eyes look tired... I'm having these sleepless nights for as long as I can remember. I'm not ashamed to say that sometimes, I cried my eyes out for not catching any sleep. It drives me insane... But for the past two years, those nights have been lesser ever since I'm spending the nights with Nikki. Maybe it's caused by her gentle whispers and cuddles that make me fall asleep...

I splashed some water in my face and washed my hands while I kept staring at myself in the mirror... I take a good look at myself and keep wondering how things turned out the way they are now. Looking myself in the eyes, as if the girl I'm staring at is wondering who I really am... But I know all too well who I am. Where I came from. I'm a tigress... Covered in orange colors with a variety of black stripes in many different patterns... White patches going over my muzzle, chest, tits, stomach, inner thighs, my butt and the underside of my tail, paws and hands. Black spots near my nose which resemble freckles... The tips of my ears are black as well, with three piercings in my right ear... Short and spiky black silky hair covering my face... My hair used to be long, just above my waist... But I got tired of it and decided to get it cut... Beige circles around my cyan colored eyes... Hehe... My mother used to call me "dushi" because of my eyes... It means "beautiful"...

I took a deep breathe and got back to the bedroom, where Nikki is still asleep... She's curved up like a ball on the bed, clenching on a pillow instead of me. Hehehe... The moment I got back in bed, I reached out for my diary and opened it up again... The next pages are not meant to be read by anyone... Not even by me... So I skipped many, many pages containing bad memories...

The things I've seen and experienced during the civil war in Salahadihn will never be forgotten. You want to push those memories back in a dark corner and want to forget that it ever happened. You want to be able to deny that it ever happened in order to live a stable life. On the outside, my life might've seemed stable, seeing as I was given chances that I didn't have if I stayed in Salahadihn. But on the inside, it's a whole different story. It's all in you're head... I might not show it to others but I've been terrified ever since it started. Even today, I'm still terrified... Not because of the I've experienced during the war but for the things in my head... Balancing on the edge of sanity and a mental breakdown for hearing, seeing and feeling things that weren't there...

The civil war lasted for three years. By t he time it ended, Salahadihn was in a state of complete devastation. It was already too late for hundreds of thousands of people, including myself... My parents and my little brother didn't survive the war. I never knew what happened to my father and my little brother. Chances were very slim that they survived... But I was lucky to escape with my life... A couple of months after the end of the war, the refugee camp was disbanded, and people started to leave, as they were given new homes. I wasn't the only kid who lost their parents in the war... Along with many other kids, we were placed in an orphanage. But the two years I spend there was another difficult period in my life. I rarely talked to anyone else, or played with the other kids. Every kid who experienced the war talked to someone they called a psychologist. I never said much whenever a psychologist was talking to me. All I did was looking down and mumbled something every once in a while. I guess I didn't really show how much I missed my parents. What the war did to me... And then one day, I got taken out of there...

Simon and Catherine were my new parents name's... "New parents", as if they could ever replace my own. They told me that it was the best for me to go with these strange people to a strange country with different habits and cultures. That they were able to give me a future I couldn't have if I stayed there in Salahadihn. I didn't want to go, but then again, I had no one. So I never had a choice...

The first few months were difficult once I settled down in Renaria. I was nine years old when I got there... The only thing Renaria and Salahadihn had in common was the ocean water... Crystal clear, and bright blue, with pearl white sandy beaches with palm-trees decorating the scene. But besides that, everything was different... People were different... Different cultures... Different habits... Even something as simple as trees and roads were different... Lights everywhere... It actually made me wonder how people were able to sleep at night with all those bright and colorful lights. But Simon and Catherine didn't live downtown, but in the suburbs of a city called Ravello, which is located near the ocean. It was very difficult for me to get used to everyone I met and all the things that happened around me. As the months passed by, things were getting better and I started to get used to things. But I always thought about my parents, my little brother and my other relatives... Simon's and Catherine's family welcomed me with open arms and I received a lot of presents... And yet I didn't know what to think of it...

Simon and Catherine lived in the suburbs where a lot of kids were living and there was a lot of things for us to do. They had these huge playgrounds with swings, large slides, seesaws, and monkey bars. In the beginning, I only watched those other kids playing. But there was a young boy living next to us of around my age. I always saw him playing by himself, and I always watched him from a distance to see what he was doing. He's a black leopard, a little fat and short for his age, but he always played by himself and not with the other kids. But it didn't take long before he approached me and asked if I wanted to play with him. When I first talked to him, he said I talk funny because of my accent. And he introduced himself as Blain... During the weekends and after school, we were always outside, playing around and it always was a lot of fun. I didn't understand why the other kids weren't playing with him, but then again, they weren't playing with me as well. They always ignored us whenever we asked, but that wasn't really bothering me. Blain and I had each other, and we always had a lot of fun together. Growing up in Ravello was beautiful...

'Awww, do I have to go to bed so soon...?'

'Hmm-mm, weekends over, hun, you got school tomorrow."

'But it's still light outside...!'

Despite the sputtering and protesting, Simon tugged me in bed and gave me my plushie Mister Puffles. It's a rabbit and I've been chewing on it ever since the day they gave it to me... The moment Simon gave Mister Puffles to me; I clenched on it and chewed on his ears as usual... Simon just smiled while he sat down on the bed and caressed my hair... He looks a bit like a tiger... Except that he's not. He has these black stripes on his chest and arms, but black spots on his back... His ears are pointy and long, and his muzzle was slim, yet kinda bulky... He's muscled and tall... I had no idea what he was... When I asked him one day, he told me that he's an Ashera cat... And that Catherine is a Manx... His right upper arm has a large tattoo that I always stared at whenever he showed me... While he was sitting on my bed, I saw a bit of his tattoo from under his t-shirt...

'Why did you ever get it...?'

'What do you mean...?'

'You're... Tatu?'

'You mean my tattoo?'

'Yeah...?'

'Oh, well uh... Hehehehe... I can't remember why I got it...'

'It looks nice... It makes you look tough...'

'Really?'

'Yeah!'

'Hehehehe...'

'Can I ever have a tattoo, like you?'

'No. Absolutely not.'

'Why not?! You t old me you were really young when you got that tattoo!'

'I was seventeen. I was young, rebellious and stupid...'

'Yeah but, if it's something I really want, don't I get a say in that?'

'Hmmmmm... No.'

'Why not?!'

'Because I'm older than you. I can say stuff like that.'

Simon kept smiling at me as he kept caressing his hand through my hair. I loved it... I could fall asleep, just like that... I closed my eyes for a moment, but then I realized he didn't tell me a bedtime story yet. So I opened my eyes and looked at him...

'Can you tell me a bedtime story...?'

'Yeah, of course...'

'Not the one with the giants and the leper... Leperac... Lepa...'

'Leprechauns?'

'Yeah!'

'You want the story with the leprechauns?'

'No!'

'Uh... Okay, well, I do remember when I was around you're age-...'

'Yes...?'

'Naah, forget it... You wouldn't believe me if I tell you...'

'Tell me...!'

'Okay, well... I remember when I was around you're age... A pixie fairy came in my room one night...'

'A pixie fairy...? Yeah, right...'

'See! I told you, you wouldn't believe me! Goodnight!'

'No, wait! Tell me!'

'Okay so... This pixie fairy came in my room, right? I didn't believe it too. I was like, yeah right, a pixie fairy. Meh, big deal. She uh...'

'Yes...?'

'She asked me where the fridge was, because she was thirsty from flapping her wings around for so long. I kept staring at her, and she snapped her fingers and asked me why I kept staring, as if I never saw a pixie fairy before. Anyway, she flew downstairs, and sneezed on the way because of her pixie dust, ya know. She excused herself and told me she was allergic to pixie dust. Imagine, a pixie fairy allergic for pixie dust... What are the odds?'

I felt my eyes-lids getting heavier... At some point, the sound of him talking faded off, and slipped away in a relaxing and satisfied sleep. Not because of the story, but because it became bori ng... He literally bored me to sleep... Hehehehe... Well, it worked, didn't it? Simon knows his stories suck... I once told him that while he was telling me a story about a leprechaun selling melons to a giant and how the leprechaun got double-crossed by the giant... I never heard him laughing so loud before after I told him that, and he told me I was right. He admitted that he sucks at telling stories and that Catherine is way better at that... Simon always improvised his stories and most of the time, I kept on laughing...

The months passed by, just like that... The autumn changed into winter... The weather conditions slowly changed... Days were shorter... Temperatures suddenly dropped... And it became very cold... The small lakes in the park and at the forest were frozen... It was so surreal to see... And one day, I woke up and looked outside the window and everything was so pure and white... I did see snow in my life. On the tv, on pictures but never actually experienced it. And whenever I looked outside at the other kids playing, I already felt chills down my spine. Hehehehe... I still remember that day all too well. It was around 9 am when Blain impatiently ringed the doorbell. Catherine opened up and I heard Blain asking if I could come outside. So I already ran downstairs in my pajama's to get outside because I wasn't really thinking. I was too enthusiastic and anxious to go outside that I forgot I was still wearing my pajamas. So I had to get dressed first. Catherine dressed me up all warm, with a scarf and gloves and I waited impatiently but once I got outside, I still froze my tail off... The other kids weren't as packed up as I was, so I didn't really understand how they didn't feel cold.

The first time I actually went out in the snow was a bit weird... My boots sank with each step I tried to make, making it difficult to walk... But after just a few steps, I stopped and looked around at the beautiful white scenery... Only enjoyed it for a moment, because I received a snowball right in my face...

'GAAAH!!!'

'Ahahahahaha!!'

Blain just stood there at a distance, laughing his ass off... As soon as I wiped the cold snow off of my face, I received another one... And another one... So I tried to run away from him. He hits me occasionally, but at some point, he stops...

'It's not a snowball fight when you're not throwing back, you know.'

'Snowball fight?'

'Yeah.'

'I need to hit you with... Snow?'

'Yeah! You don't know what a snowball fight is?!'

'No...'

'How can you not know?! It's like, the coolest thing ever!'

'It never snow where I come from...'

'Oh... Well, you just scoop up some snow, like this... And just pat it until it's a ball.'

Blain gets down on his knees and scoops up a small pile of snow in his hands as I just stood there, still freezing my tail off... He pats a couple of times until the snow turned into a ball, and he showed it to me while I just stared at it...

'Tadaaaa! A snowball!'

'Ooooooh...'

'And then you throw it!'

Before I could do anything, he planted the snowball right in my face... He started to laugh his ass off again as he ran away. So I scooped up some snow and ran after him. Blain kept throwing snowballs at me while I tried my best to avoid them. We hit each other every once in a while and I even managed to plant one in his face... But at some point, I lost track of him because of all the trees... Armed with a snowball in my hand, I looked around for him... I hid in the bushes the moment I saw him running past the small lake where a couple of kids and grown-ups were ice skating... So I got out of my hiding place and ran after him, and threw the snowball. It hit Blain right on the back of his head...

'AAAH!! COLD!! IT'S DRIPPING DOWN MY NECK!!'

'Hahahaha!!'

We were chasing each other for a long time, throwing snowballs and all that while we were laughing out loud for... Well, no apparent reason, really... At some point, Blain runs on the frozen lake, and just slides over the ice... But the moment I ran on the ice, I almost slipped and bend over just to hold my balance. I saw how Blain kept on sliding while he was just taunting me to get to him, but the moment I got up and took a step, I fell down... I tried to move forward, but I kept slipping away and fell down numerous times... At some point, Blain shuffles over to me, and helped me to stand up.

'You never walked on ice before?!'

'No! How do you do that?!'

'I'll show you!'

He got behind me and pushed me! So I screamed my lungs out as I slide over the ice with a ridiculously low speed. Still, I had the feeling I could fall over any second. Once I got to a complete stop, I had such an awkward pose, trying to keep my balance... Then Blain went by fast and made me almost fall down. 'Hey, watch it!'

'Come on! Just slide! One foot at a time!'

I tried to take a step, but as expected, I slipped and fell down with my head on the hard surface of ice... I was dizzy for a short moment...

'Ow...'

'You ok?!'

Blain reached out his hand to help me get up. I slipped again, but this time, he held on to me so that I wouldn't fall again. Then I decided to sit this one out and watched everyone else from the sideline. And seeing everyone slide and having fun puts a smile on my face. Two other kids were arsing around as one kid was down on his stomach and the other kid grabbed him by his tail, and spins him around on the ice. The kid lets go of the tail, and the other kid slides on his stomach over the ice, knocking down everyone who got in his way. Nothing severely though, as you could clearly hear them all laughing as some of them were still knocked down. It looked like a lot of fun...

But a couple of moments later, Blain sat next to me. He asked me if I was still okay. Hehehe... We talked and sat around for a while, watching the other kids until I planted a snowball on top of his head. So everything started all over again... Chasing each other around and stuff... And at some point, I lost track of him again. I couldn't find him... He was hiding somewhere... Then all of a sudden, I received a whole lot of snow over me... I mean, a lot... The snow that fell down reached around my waist... I heard Blain laughing so loud, and when I looked up, I saw him sitting in a tree, kicking the branches so that the snow would fall down. He laughed so loud, he fell out of the tree, but his tail got stuck on the way down between the branches. So he was dangling upside down in a tree... 'I'm okay, it doesn't hurt! I've been through this many times!'

Hehehehe... He sways back and forth by his tail until he managed to grab a branch. He pulls a couple of times until the branch finally snapped, and he jumps down from the tree. Blain lands right in front of me, and pulled a confident face... 'Come on!'

'What?'

'Climb up!'

'I can't climb trees...'

'Sure you can! Watch!'

He stands before the tree-trunk, slashed his claws in it and made his way up. Despite being kinda fat and short, Blain still managed to climb up pretty damn quick... He sits on a branch and just stared at me, waiting for me to climb up... So... I slashed my claw in the tree trunk. He told me to slash my other claw higher, and retract the first one. So I did, and it took me a couple of times, but I slowly made my way up with a lot of effort. I'm not a leopard, so it's easy for him... When I almost got to the branch where he was sitting, he reached out a hand to me but I forgot I still had my claws attracted... So the moment I grabbed his hand, he was, well... Not so happy... He yelled in pain, and I got so startled by that, I immediately retracted my claws, which almost caused me to fall. But he grabbed me by the wrists and pulled me up... He moves up the branch so that I could sit next to him... 'I'm sorry about that...'

'It doesn't hurt.'

'You sure?'

'Yup.'

'Where did you learn how to climb trees?'

'My sister showed me a long time ago.'

'Oh...'

'And well... You know Randy, right?'

'Randy?'

'Yeah, that big bulldog guy. He always picks on me with his friends... So I climb up trees and they go away eventually.'

I knew Blain was being bullied. I saw it once but stayed my distance because I was scared of them. They were older and bigger than me so I didn't do anything. Blain managed to break free from them, and ran for a tree to climb up. They ran after him and kept calling him names, but they went away a couple of moments later. So I walked up to him after they left, and when Blain noticed me, he jumped down from the tree and I saw he had a little cut on his face. All he did was smiling weakly at me... And then returned home... I wished I could've done something. Anything... But I guess I was just too scared... It made me realize that... No matter where I'm at, people are always the same... And it made me think things weren't any different in Salahadihn... We kept looking at each other for a while until I heard Catherine calling out my name... 'I have to go...'

'Okay...'

'See you tomorrow?'

'Yeah, of course! Then we'll go sledding at Hillfryers Ridge!'

'Awesome!'

Blain always used the word "awesome" whenever he thought something was so cool, so it didn't took long before I took that word over from him even though I had no idea what it meant...

'Blain...? How do I get down from here?'

' Whadda ya mean? Just jump down!'

"Of course..." I saw him jumping down trees many times, so it couldn't be that hard, right? So I jumped down, and whoever said felines always land on their feet, sh ould be shot. I landed face first down in a huge pile of snow and I completely disappeared in it... I heard how Blain was laughing his ass off again, and the moment I managed to get out of that pile of snow, he still kept laughing and when I was throwing a tantrum, he was laughing even louder. At some point, he lost his balance and fell down the tree in another huge pile of snow and now I was the one laughing my ass off... Once I helped him out of that pile of snow, he smiled at me... We walked home together, and I saw Catherine and Blain's mother standing there, in the doorpost of they're own houses.

'See you tomorrow!'

'Bye!'

But before I got inside, I received another snowball on the back of my head, and heard Blain laughing as he ran inside his house. Blain's mother and Catherine looked at each other and smiled...

Blain was the only friend I had back then. I cared for him, and he meant a lot to me as a friend. He stayed with me when others didn't... So I wanted him to stay with me... I never wanted to loose him. I didn't want others to take him away from me... To me, it felt that I had to do anything to keep him with me. To protect him... I had to... But I had to conquer my fears... And never be afraid again...