wander ~ Chapter 20

Story by Lukas Kawika on SoFurry

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I think I mentioned that I wanted to keep Lexi noticeably different from whoever the Wise Lady Friend was in A Taste Of Something Else. So, see, Lexi's got problems of her own, and she fucks up too, and she don't know everything!

Also: y'all're gonna like the next few chapters, I think

This story is made possible through my Patreon! If you sign up, you'll be able to read those next few chapters right now instead of waiting another few weeks for them to come out!


You bet I had trouble getting to sleep that night. Dad gave me this huge grin once I got home, alternating between praising and thanking me for the dinner, and telling me that me and Tony work real well together, and he might have been a little nervous at first - "my son! Has a boyfriend! You bet that's something I haven't told the guys at work yet, but he's really a delight, isn't he? And, wow, Aurora, huh..." - but now he could see that I'd made a good choice.

Choice. As if it were that easy. It wasn't like I'd just woken up one day and realized, oh, I've got a crush on Tony. It'd been a slow development, something that gradually wriggled its way into my consciousness. Hell, not even that; this stirring in my chest, this wonderful fluttering warmth that blossomed out when his lips touched and locked with mine last night... that had been there before then, quieter, not quite as bright, right at the edges of my awareness, when I spent time with him. I guess it was just a matter of... turning my head and looking at it.

I ended up lying around in bed for what felt like several hours after I got home, paws intertwined on my chest while I looked up at the ceiling, and listened to the fan slowly creak as it spun. All I could think about, all I could focus on, was him. Sasha had never made me feel like this - oh, hell no. With her I just thought I was having a good time, that being in a relationship was like enjoying the time you spend with your friends, but a little bit more. Just a little bit.

Nothing at all like this. I felt like I could still feel the tingling on my lips, the warmth and slight wetness of his, the little... the little rough tug of his tongue just barely grazing over mine, his scent rich in my nose. His paw on my neck and shoulder, fingers warm, gripping softly, or more just pressing into me and pulling me in against him.

God. I wanted him. I don't know how it couldn't have been clear to me before, clear like this. My first thought after I'd lay down in bed and my last before I fell asleep were both of him, and those thoughts followed me into dreams.

The following morning - Tuesday, now - came pleasantly, without a rush or a jolt like a school morning, or a weekend morning knowing that before too long I'd have to get back into that routine. The last hazy fringes of an equally-pleasant dream just escaped the edges of memory, and I lay there enjoying the feeling for a bit, rolling back and forth in that sleepy state between there and the real world... until my phone on my nightstand vibrated its way into my awareness.

It was almost on reflex that I reached over and picked it up, momentarily blinking against the bright screen. 10:21 AM, with one good morning message from Tony - it went on past that, of course; easy to see that what had happened between us last night was still on his mind, and that it also had the same effect on him as it had on myself.

That wasn't the message that had woken me up, though. Lexi had sent one, too, asking if I'd like to meet her for lunch today to "talk about stuff". Quick run through my still half-asleep mind, searching to see if I could remember any prior commitments... and nothing came up, other than the various homework assignments that could bear to be put off another day or two.

So, naturally, I said sure, and then went to focus on Tony. Faint smell of bacon from downstairs wafted in from the hall, and though it made my stomach growl at me, it'd be better to ignore it. Sucks when you show up to eat somewhere and aren't hungry; that happened last time me and Lexi and Tyler went out on a friend-date, and they both made fun of me for it.

Something told me that this time there'd only be two of us, though. Well - maybe three, if Sandra wanted to come along. Certainly not Tyler. Hell, another thing told me that he would be the main point of conversation.

Some two and a half hours later, after managing to roll out of bed and getting my clothes on and talking to Dad some, I found myself waiting outside our favorite burger place about fifteen minutes down the highway, in the busier part of town. It's not so different from the high school halls at lunch: an assload of people all bustling around and going their own directions, none of them really caring if they bump into you. Most avoid other people, but there's some that you could swear go out of their way to hit someone else.

I couldn't help but wonder if other things were similar, too. A light, warm breeze blew down the road, rustling through my fur as I leaned against the wall there with my paws in my pockets; watching all these people walking by, I wonder how many of them had gone through something similar to what was happening to me. Maybe not as specific as the whole 'I always thought I was straight, but now I like another boy' thing, but, like, the... the whole lost-friend thing. The whole figuring-everything-out thing.

Doesn't feel like there's much of a rush. I mean, Mom expects me to go to college, Dad hasn't mentioned anything of the sort... and now there's Tony. Half-consciously, I raised a paw to my muzzle, lightly grazed my fingerpads across my lips. After Sasha I'd just kind of fallen into the opinion that you shouldn't put too much effort into high school relationships, since they hardly ever last long outside of school anyway.

But, then, she never made me feel like he had. He probably-

"Matt?"

Lexi's voice took me by surprise, smooth and clear over the roaring rumble of the rest of everything. She grinned at me, and I grinned back, and we drew each other into a hug, and I think she held me in for just a moment longer than usual, just a little bit tighter.

"Everything okay?" I said, still in the hug. I think she changed her perfume? That's never really been something I've paid attention to. "I can't remember the last time you and I just went somewhere."

"Oh, yeah. I just - wanted to get out of the house for a while." The vixen nodded towards the door, heavy glass in a frame of heavier wood. "We goin' in?"

Somewhat to my surprise, it wasn't nearly as crowded as usual - but, then, I guess that's what happens for being just before lunchtime on a weekday. Thanks to this we got ourselves a table nice and fast, and had our orders in before much longer after that. Lexi sat with her elbow propped on the table, muzzle sideways and watching the cars go by along the road outside. The server had brought by iced glasses (actually just plastic) of water when he took our orders, each with a slice of lemon hanging along the rim; where I'd taken mine out, Lexi's had fallen in. And I don't think she noticed, as she idly stirred her straw around.

All sorts of framed photographs decorated the walls here, one of those hip burger places: pictures of old cars, of the franchise's first establishment, of famous musicians, some signed. There was even a cherry-red guitar hanging above the crossbeam above the main entrance, with some scrawl of a signature that I couldn't read from here along one side. I swallowed. "So... how are things?"

The vixen's ears flicked toward me from across the table, and then her eyes and muzzle followed. Her face said more than enough. "Oh my God. Tyler's been a real ass. I mean - he was always like that, but now even more so."

"Because I have a boyfriend?"

In that moment, Lexi looked like she wanted to say one thing, then changed her mind. It was a slight hesitation, fast, but still there. She ended up raising a playfully threatening finger towards me. "Oh no, don't you go blaming yourself. Matt, I swear, if-"

I crossed my arms in front of my chest and sat back in my chair. "I'm not."

And then another hesitation, this one from... surprise, maybe? She hid it well. As the leader of more than a few clubs at school, and active in so many academic and probably somewhat diplomatic ventures as well, I guess she kind of had to be good at that kind of thing. "Well... I mean, good. I'm really excited for you, you know? Really happy. You weren't happy with Sasha..."

"I mean, I kinda was."

When Lexi wanted, she could really give you a glare that made you feel like your clothes were three sizes too small. Always made me squirm the same way, at least. Does that make sense?

"...Sometimes, I mean." I shrugged. A server walked by with a tray of food, but it wasn't hours. "But, yeah, no, that... that was not a good relationship. Now that I'm with Tony, I'm starting to realize that..."

"Well, sure." The vixen poked her straw against the slice of lemon, jabbing it down into the bottom of the glass. "You have to be careful with that, though, Matt. You've been together - officially - since, what, Friday? And you met him a week before that."

I folded my paws atop the table, starting to feel that same, now-so-familiar warmth stirring in my chest again. "Yeah, but..."

"I'm just saying. Sometimes you don't really, really learn who a person is 'til you've been with 'em for..." Lexi rested her muzzle on her palm again. Looks like her nose and whiskers twitched just as often and as energetically as mine, with all the delicious scents going around. "Shit. Two years?"

That sweet, pleasant warmth, the little blossom of a lovely flame... hardened and sharpened. I spoke before I could stop myself. "Are you finally thinking of breaking up with him?"

And that brought a visible reaction out of her. She straightened up again, eyebrows raised and mouth open... but altogether amused. "Christ, Matt. Where'd that come from?"

"Lexi, he literally, literally_got up and left when I told him I had a boyfriend. He left his laptop charger - and you, _his girlfriend, and didn't even bother coming back. Just because I happen to find out that I like a boy. Hell, that - that doesn't even affect him. It doesn't have to. He won't be sticking his nose into this like he was when I was with Sasha."

She sat with the one fingerpad atop her straw, holding it upright. Little wispy bits of lemon flesh floated around in the otherwise clear water. "...Huh. You're really serious about him, huh?"

Whether she was talking about Tony or Tyler... "Yeah. I... I guess I am."

"Well..." Both of our ears perked as our server came up, this time bearing a tray that probably definitely had our stuff on it. A regular cheeseburger for me, though high and dry with nothing but the bun, patty, and cheese, and a nice side of cheese-drenched fries; and for Lexi, a double-patty burger that looked like it occupied the same volume as her entire head. She'd opted for the garlic mashed potatoes instead of the fries, and the rich scent wafting off of them made me wish I'd done the same. "Oh. Thank you. Matt - you know that Sandra's been trying to get me to break up with him literally since we started going out."

"Yeah." Fries were hot. Very hot. Speaking gave me an excuse to cool it down before it turned my tongue into char. "She's got a good reason, though. He explicitly disapproves of who she is. Like, I didn't really think about it or notice it until - until Tony, but..." But now he was doing it to me, too. And as shitty as it sounded to say, only now could I see why that was a big deal.

"I wouldn't say he _explicitly_disapproves... I mean, I don't think he's ever straight-up said it to her face-"

"Lexi."

"No. I know. It's shitty of him. I've known that about him from the start, pretty much." She sighed, her burger halfway to her mouth. I didn't see how she'd be able to fit it. "And... and it's shitty of me to let him do that. I've - hell, I've been going out of my way to try to keep those two separate, you know? Tyler wants to hang out with me all the fuckin' time, 'cause he's my boyfriend, but like... I've got other friends. 'Well, tell them they can come along.' Shit. Not when you're gonna glare at them and do everything you can to let them know you don't like them just short of spitting in their face.

"He's not... he's not _that_bad, is he?"

Hazel-green eyes flicked up to me over her burger. "I wouldn't try so hard to keep them apart if I didn't know what it'd be like otherwise."

"And you never told me about it? I mean - I like Sandra." I shrugged. "We don't exactly hang out outside of when we're at school. At least, we haven't before. But I like her just fine."

Lexi took a moment to chew. All around bubbled the sounds of conversations, each one their own thread, above the background of some kind of rock music going over the speakers. "Pardon me, but it didn't really seem important. Until about a week and a half ago I never had any reason to think that you might not be entirely straight." She covered her mouth with her paw, and swallowed. "Bet _you_didn't have any reason, either. And you know Tyler can be..."

"Yeah."

"Yeah. So he never noticed, either."

"You noticed pretty early on, didn't you?" I laughed. "Y'know, I think you knew I liked Tony before I knew."

She rolled her eyes. "Boys. Pfah. You two are super cute, y'know? I haven't even seen what you're like, together together, but just watching you guys at school..." Then, over another bite: "I know it's a bit early. But are you gonna take him to prom?"

Prom. That thought had crossed my mind once before. Instead of giving a straight answer, though- "When is it?"

"Uh. Two weeks after spring break, I think?"

Another shrug. "I haven't really... really thought about it, you know?"

"Too early, yeah?"

"Yeah. And, like... I'm still getting used to it. We're still... still getting..." Hard to put it into words. I took my first bite of my burger. This place was really good because they toasted their buns so they had a nice, rich crunch, noticeable without being obtrusive. Went real well with the squishy, drippy patty. In _my_opinion. "It's like, in this relationship, I want... well, I'm not really sure."

"Hah. Amen to that. I'm in the same place. Part of me really... really does think..." Lexi turned her burger around a bit in her paws, peered closer at it, and then set it down on her plate. She wiped her fingers off on her napkin and sat back. "Maybe things would be easier if... if I did end things with him. That's a lie - part of me knows that. Or, well, I guess I shouldn't say that."

"What do you mean?"

"It just sucks - really_sucks - to have this going on between my boyfriend and one of my best friends. They both pretty much hate each other, and each one hates that I still put up with the other one. And I'm caught in the middle of all of that, and no matter what I do, it feels like I'm doing the wrong thing. And depending on whose point of view you look at it from? Yeah. I _am doing the wrong thing. Over and over and over again. There's worse choices, though; it's like..." The vixen took a sip of her water while she thought, pushing the lemon away again with the end of her straw. "I'm in a sinking boat, and I'm constantly shoveling out water since the opportunity to get a life vest passed long ago? Fuck. I don't even know. I can't think of a good analogy."

"No, I get it, I think-"

"What am I supposed to do when nothing turns out right?"

"Well... you've already realized your boat is sinking. Right? And - scoopin' out the water isn't really doing anything." I reached for another few fries. Something I loved about this place was the way they seasoned them. "Or at least, it's just postponing your demise or whatever. Boats are made of wood, right?"

"I mean, not really anymore, but-"

"For the sake of the analogy. Your boat is made of wood."

"Okay." Lexi sighed, and I couldn't tell whether it was out of exasperation or impatience or something else. "My boat is made of wood."

"And wood floats. Right?"

"Last I checked."

"So you quit bailing, and hang on to the wreckage and float towards shore. And it'll suck on the way there, but once you get there, you'll realize it's a lot better than sitting in that damn boat with your arms hurting." Another shrug. I'd never really thought of it in an analogy like this before. "The thought of stopping and getting out into the water is damn scary before you do it, so that's holding you back. But it's just taking that step, and holding on. If you get out into the water and then change your mind, well, then you're cold and wet, and your boat is still sinking."

Silence for a moment between us, other than the crinkling of the paper our food had been brought on, and then Lexi's ice clinking in her glass when she took a sip. The vixen swallowed and licked her lips. "That's right. You've been there before."

"Mhmm." Only downside was that these burgers were so juicy that once you finished - or, hell, halfway through your meal - you could feel the grease soaking into the fur of your chin... but, God, it's so good. "Just my boat wasn't homophobic."

"You sure about that?"

"Well, I mean, it never came up in conversation. She's already bad enough in my mind, so why put any effort into making her worse?" I looked down at the table. Throughout our back-and-forth, we'd each been taking the occasional bite of our burgers, and I'd worked mine down a bit further than half. Good thing I left off breakfast this morning; even without it, I was already starting to feel a bit full. "And speaking of that. If Tyler's gonna be pissy about this, if he's not gonna bother trying to change how he feels, not for his best friend or his girlfriend, then... well, I don't really wanna put in the effort to try to change his mind for him."

Lexi had turned to look out the window again. The place had gotten noticeably busier as the minutes ticked by and 'just before lunch hour' turned to 'right in the middle of lunch hour'. This place could get really busy, especially on evenings when there's a concert in one of the three venues just down the street. We - being me, her, and Tyler - had always talked about seeing one, but had never actually tried to set something up.

The table rattled towards me on uneven feet as I leaned my elbow down against it. "You know, you never answered my question."

She spoke without looking at me, though her ears remained fixed in my direction. "Which one?"

"If you're thinking about breaking up with him."

A car sped by. Then another one. And one in the opposite direction. A couple strolled by along the sidewalk outside the window, weaving left and right for people coming the other direction. Today the sky glowed a warm, comfortable blue behind puffy clouds, light and airy, yet not quite wispy. It had smelled like car exhaust, hot asphalt, and barbecued meat out there when I'd been waiting. Lexi tapped her claws along her corner of the table, the same heavy, waxy wood as the door.

She reached for her burger without looking, missed, then turned her head and tried again. Instead of taking another bite, though, she just looked it over again, as if she'd seen something that bothered her the first time and now wanted to see if it were still there.

"Yeah," she said, after a moment. Those eyes came up to me again. "I guess I am." And she took that bite.

Took a moment to set in, actually. That honestly wasn't the answer I'd been expecting, though it really did make sense. "What? Really?"

"Mhmm. I - mm, excuse me." She reached for her napkin. "It's not just the homophobia thing. Don't get me wrong, that's a part of it - that definitely is - but it's just one piece of the puzzle."

"One of those all-white no-edge-pieces puzzles?"

"I'll say. He's always been kind of rude and sarcastic and all that. That's part of his sense of humor. Okay. Whatever. He just... doesn't really seem to know when enough is enough, though?"

That had actually gotten on Dad's nerves before. Not enough for him to do anything about it, or for it to affect the way he thought of Tyler, but it'd happened. Actually, now that I think about it, he didn't say anything to me about the jackal just fuckin' walking out without a word to any of us. Maybe he didn't notice. Though, he_did_ give me this look when me and Lexi came down the stairs...

"And, like..." Lexi swallowed that bite and went in for another. "It's gotten worse in just the few days since it happened. He's been kind of distant when I try to talk to him, giving me a lot of "I 'unno"_s and _"I don't care"_s. He's rude to me to my face, he keeps on trying to bring up my brother like there's - like there's something _wrong with him."

"Have you asked him _why_he's behaving like that?" No more french fries. Half a burger left. Goddamn. "That's what you told me to do when Sasha was getting on my nerves."

Lexi gave me a tight, mirthless smile. "And that went great for you, didn't it? I did, though. He kept on telling, oh, it's school, oh, it's this exam, oh, it's - whatever. He blames school for being too heavy, but never himself for how he puts off starting his homework until the morning it's due, and never studying because oh, I know the material, I'm not gonna waste time if blah blah blah. Doesn't understand there's a difference between knowing the material, and just knowing of_it." Another eye-roll, this time with none of the humor of the first. "You know as well as I do that he took precal over the summer, but failed it, and that's why he's taking it now. He'll have to take another two math courses _this_summer, after the _last semester of his senior year, in order to graduate."

After chewing for a bit, I pointed my burger at her. "You know, I always thought that was weird about you two. You're, like, clear opposites of the effort spectrum when it comes to school. He should know that - you're, like, amazing; hasn't he ever asked you for help or tutoring or something?"

"Would you be surprised if I told you, no, he hasn't?"

"I..." Thought about that for a moment. "No, I don't think I would. Have you - have you told Sandra?"

"You know what she's gonna say. And I'm... worried I've hurt her by putting it off for so long. Since, like - yeah, she's kind of in the right on this one. Tyler's... Tyler's a dick, to put it simply. He's okay if he likes you, but God forbid there's something he doesn't like." Lexi clamped her lips together for a moment, and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she had that same kind of determined glimmer that she always did before a test. "What do _you_think?"

Me? Well, he was_my best friend, and had been since I met him... and I know full well that he's flawed, but I just kind of pushed most of those away after having to deal with him for so long - not to say that _I'm not flawed, too, of course... can't even finish a single cheeseburger, I mean. By now the meat had started to get cold, and the cheese was on its way to re-solidifying.

So I shrugged. "I don't know, to be honest. Before Tony I've only been in one relationship, and it... was not a good one. If you're not happy, then... y'know? Maybe it's worth it to break it off."

Maybe. Lexi mouthed that word, nodding as she did so. Her eyes still held that same determination, but her ears clearly displayed her indecision and reluctance. I knew very well how she felt, standing on a ledge with a hand's breadth of space between staying in a bad relationship and breaking up. When you lay it out logically like that, the choice is clear. But it's just taking that step and making that choice that's indescribably hard.

A sinking boat or something.

I cleared my throat, and intertwined my fingers on the table. Maybe it was also time to change things up with our conversation. "So. Uh. Tony..."

That got her attention. She mirrored my change in posture. "Yeah? Tony?"

"Came over yesterday. I made dinner for him and Dad and his mom..."

"Oh shit. Dinner with the parents already."

"...and he stayed over a bit, and we hung out..." ...and told each other about our past not-so-great relationships, but Lexi didn't need to know that part. She was already having enough of her own. "...and I drove him home, and..."

The vixen leaned in a little closer. There had to have been no more than an inch of contact between her rear and the chair. "And?"

I swallowed. Weird how I could be so excited thinking about it to myself, but as soon as it came to mentioning it to someone else... "And, we... um. We..." My heart thumped in my chest, nowhere near as it had last night, but still noticeable above everything else. Looking at Lexi, though, I couldn't help but share in her smile, on top of my own shy nervousness. "We kissed."

Those eyebrows went up. Her tail thumped lightly against the back of her chair. "And? How was it? Fireworks?"

"Well, I mean..." I couldn't just tell her that I got halfway to a boner, could I? After all, we were - we were in a public place for lunch. A kid and his grandma sat at the table just behind her. "It... I just... I mean, he was there, and then he... kissed my cheek, and then he..."

"M_hmm_...?"

"And..." God. I could feel it in my ears and cheeks. I clamped my paws on my muzzle, breathed in, breathed out. "Wow. Jeez. I wasn't expecting to get so flustered telling you. I'm - I'm sorry, Lex."

"What? No! Don't be sorry. This is great. You -" She leaned in a little closer and lowered her voice, just slightly. "-kissed a boy. And sounds to me like you liked it. A lot. Do you wanna do it again?"

Without thinking: "Oh, we already had an again after that first one..."

"Oooooh."

"And again, and again..." I hadn't been counting. More important things to focus on. Hell, even remembering it yet again brought back some of those familiar feelings, down to the little electric spark rippling through my lower abdomen.

"Wow. So you two're getting along even better than I thought." Lexi had gone back to stirring her straw around in her glass, ice all melted and the lemon now suspended halfway down. To be honest, I never really liked the taste of it in water. "Matt... I'm happy you're happy. I really am."

"Thank you, Lexi."

"And - thanks for talking to me today. I know that this isn't the kind of thing you like hearing,especially after your good night..."

"Oh, pssh." I raised my paws in front of my chest. "I hardly did any talking."

Lexi shrugged. "Well, yeah, but... you helped, still. You're good at that, you know."

"I am?"

"Yeah. You are."

"So you've... made your decision?"

One second, two seconds, three seconds... felt like so much longer. For that time, Lexi avoided my eyes. "I think so. We'll... we'll see how it goes."

"Do you - want me to help pay? I can, if you..."

Then that grin was back. "What? No. You've got a boyfriend you need to take on some dates. Besides, I invited you - here, let's see if we can... flag down our waiter..."

Not enough food to take home, but still enough to make it look like I might not have liked the meal. Life kind of sucks like that, you know? Stuck between two choices, and neither one's optimal.