A Good Joke
#4 of Fire Down Below
In which a geeky cheetah tells a dirty joke to the wrong girl.
A silly little story spawned by a conversation with Mitsozuka about some of the characters from my Curious Times series. The joke was his, the quick story I wrote around it is mine. It's the best look we've had yet at Tom, the cheetah who first appeared in The Sleeping Bag Game. Maybe one of these days I'll write him another story that ends as happily for him as this one does for Melissa...
"Melissa! Melissa!" A familiar voice called out from behind the vixen as she stood at her locker, getting ready to head home from school for the day. "Hey, Melissa!"
"Just a minute, Tom."
Someone tugged her tail. "Hey, Melissa!"
The vixen flicked her bushy, red-furred tail out of Tom's grasp. "Seriously, Tom, I'm busy. Just give me a minute!"
"Okay, fine. One...two...three...four..."
Melissa glanced over her shoulder. Behind her stood a slender, young male cheetah. Evenly spaced black spots covered his golden-beige fur. Glasses perched on his blunt muzzle, with loops around his rounded ears. Ebony tear streaks ran from his eyes, to his mouth. The cheetah's spotted tail flicked back and forth behind him, a sign of the younger feline's frequent impatience. He wore a blue t-shirt with stylized teenage warriors from a popular cartoon show, along with khaki shorts that hung down past his knees.
"Five...six...seven..." Tom pushed his glasses up his muzzle, poking his tongue out at Melissa when he saw her looking. "Eight...nine..."
Melissa sighed, turning her attention back to gathering her things. Tom was one of her geeky brother's friends, part of their self-described Gathering of Nerds. She liked the scrawny cheetah well enough, and when he was on his own he wasn't usually too annoying. Though, right now that wasn't exactly the case. She grit her teeth and flattened back her black-furred ears, then bent forward to pick up her books from the bottom of her messy locker.
As Melissa bent forward, her tail slipped up between Tom's legs, wedging itself against the cheetah's crotch. Tom squeaked, rising to his tip toes behind her. He grabbed at her tail, trying to push it down.
"Quit making my tail fondle your kitten stuff, ya pervy nerd." Melissa grabbed the last book and straightened up again, her tail dropping back down. She took her backpack off the hook, and crammed all her textbooks into it before turning around. "What do you want, anyway?"
"I...uh...what?" The scrawny cheetah fiddled with his shirt, then adjusted his shorts. "Oh, right. I got a riddle-"
"Tom, did you get a chubby off my tail?" Melissa shouldered her backpack as she turned around, sighing.
"No!" Tom tugged on his shorts again, wiggling his hips, his spotted tail swishing. "...Maybe."
Melissa shook her head, hooking her thumbs under the straps of her backpack. "Frickin' perv. What did you want, anyway? I don't really wanna hear a dumb riddle."
"Okay, so just...do me a favor."
The vixen perked her ears and made a show of glancing towards his crotch. "I don't care if it did come from my tail, I'm not helping you out with that."
"Not that!" Tom laughed and gave up trying to cover up the vague bulge in his shorts. "Even if it is your fault."
"Uh huh. Look, maybe you nerds like hanging out at school all afternoon, but I wanna get home."
In the distance, she saw a few more of her brother's friends standing around, watching. There was James, a husky with silvery gray, black, and white fur, and Max, a nerdy little lion not much more filled out than Tom, and with a patchy mane. Near them stood Alex, a coyote who was a bit shorter and a year younger than others. She smirked at James and Max and gave them a knowing wave, which they both sheepishly returned.
"Just spell 'me', okay?" Tom giggled and rubbed his spotted hands together. A smug grin spread across his snout.
Melissa turned her attention back to the cheetah, narrowing her eyes. "What? Why?"
"Just do it." Tom bounced on his toes, tail flicking faster. "Please?"
"Fine, fine." Melissa adjusted her backpack, spelling out the word. "M. E. Happy?"
"Nuh huh!" Giggling, Tom licked his nose, beaming up at her. "You forget the D!"
"What?" Melissa shifted her weight, then hooked her thumbs in her backpack straps again. "I thought you nerds were smart. There's no D in 'me', stupid."
"Oh...well..." Tom slowly looked her up and down, then offered her what Melissa imagined the cheetah considered his most debonair smile. His ears perked. "I can fix that, if you want."
Melissa stared down at him. He hadn't. Had he? He had.
Tom stared back at her, his grin remaining. "Get it? Do ya? D'ya get it?" He bounced on his toes, giggling. "Well?"
Melissa sent her foot rocketing into Tom's crotch. The toe of her shoe buried itself in the young cheetah's testicles, and he doubled over with an agonized yowl, hazel-gold eye popping out and crossing behind his glasses.
"AWWWWWH!" Tom's muzzle hung open so far it nearly made an 'O' shape, and his ears pinned all the way back, shifting his glasses. For a moment, he hung there like that, bent over, mouth agape. Then his eyes rolled back and he dropped to his knees with a long groan. "Ooooooohhhh, my nards!" The cheetah flopped over onto his side, curling up. He cupped his crotch in both hands, rolling around on the floor. "My nards, my naaaards!"
The vixen burst out laughing at his expression, and the way he ended up squirming on the hallway floor. "Bullseye. Good luck putting that D in anyone for a while now, ya geeky kitten."
Nearby, the other three guys all gave pained groans of sympathy between their own bouts of laughter. Thanks to Melissa and her own friends, all three of the other geeky males present already knew what a good kick in the nards felt like. She was sure they knew how she'd react to a joke like that. Which meant they must have put the cheetah up to it.
"Awwwwww!" Tom rocked from side to side at her feet, a few tears moistening the fur across his muzzle and his cheeks. His glasses fogged a little. "My nards! Oh, god, my naaards!"
Melissa watched him squirming, smiling. Tom soon curled up, trembling a little. Then he uncurled, stretching all the way out before rolling to his belly. He pushed up onto his knees, butt and tail in the air, chest on the floor. Then he flopped right back over and returned to wriggling from side to side. The young cheetah's whole muzzle was scrunched up, fangs bared in pained grimace. As he writhed, he clutched his aching feline privates in both spotted hands. Even his tail was kinked up, as if it too, was suffering that special male agony Melissa would never know. She leaned forward, lowering her voice so that only Tom could hear.
"Awww, right in the kitten makers, huh buddy?" She moved to stand over him, learning a little closer. "Well, if it makes you feel any better. You look absolutely adorable right now. And you know what I think? Once you can walk again, you should totally nail all three of your friends right in _their_balls, for putting up to this." She patted his head. "Only fair, don't'cha think? Oh, and text me a pic of them rolling around on the floor, afterwards."
Melissa straightened up and gave the other boys a wave, then walked away, laughing. No D in me. Tom was right. That was a pretty good joke.
*****
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