FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

_ Part 11 _

Tuesday afternoon. The weather had cleared up since the day before. Outside, bold sunshine reached everything, bringing out the colour of the dated apartment buildings opposite, the trees and shrubs around them, even the people strolling past this old fashioned street corner pub Sasha had picked out.

I'd probably managed all of a dozen words since he'd picked me up off the pavement in Victory Hill. That unmanned taxi we took back to the hotel was gods sent; no need to hide or explain my damp eyes to anyone else. The crying didn't last for long. I'd love to be able to say that came from being 'tough', or coming to terms with and getting over everything in a flash. If only. From the ride back downtown, to the walk back to our room, all the way through to getting ready to face another day this morning, I'd been rising and falling between grieving sadness to numb indifference. Attempts at protecting myself, maybe. Who knew.

This place Sasha found for us, just a short bus ride from our hotel to the outskirts of the city centre... suited me to the ground, honestly. Calm. Cozy. Sat in our own little alcove with plenty of drink to drown myself in. I figured it best to hold back from that last part. Barely halfway through my first beer and already my head had got all distant and floaty.

I reached for my glass, swirling the remainder of its contents. Golden liquid continued round and round, again and again, never failing to reach out and grab the white foam breaking for the rim.

My wrist got tired. I settled the glass back to my coaster. Watched my beer rest, too. The swirling slowed. The foam stopped climbing the sides. It looked a lot better this way.

Sasha's glass clonked down next to it. His paw slipped away, fingers drumming the tabletop. I glanced up to find him smiling back. Small and sympathetic.

"How're ya doing?"

I glanced around the pub. An old wolf dressed to impress stood waiting at the bar across the way from us, cane in one paw and wallet in the other. His goat friend sat watching from the table over by the decorative fireplace, hacking his throat clear before calling, "Gerrus anuva Barrowman, woncha, Ken?"

"Alright, kip yer 'orns on," he gruffed back.

"Blimey," cried the squirrel behind the bar, beaming wide and bright. "You've got yerself a good deal over there, ain't ya, Charlie? Letting ol' Ken 'ere do the legwork."

"He's bin tha'way since school, pet," the wolf's silver tail swayed. "Yer not never changing 'im."

"On yer bloody bike, son," the goat moaned, smirking. "Gerrin' thirsty ova 'ere..."

A laugh escaped from somewhere. Maybe the numbness hadn't taken me completely after all.

"Kaz?"

I came back to the table fully. Sasha sat there with his own smirk, waving a paw in front of my muzzle.

"Wakey, wakey."

"Sorry, man."

"No problem." He settled back, tail flicking up into view beyond the opposite end of our table. "You noticed them old guys talking, too?"

"Uh... guess so."

"It's like they're talkin' a totally different language. Can't follow a damn word of it."

A grunt of agreement was all I could manage. I reached for another sip of my drink. Let it dance on my tongue and slide comfortably down my throat. Sasha was right; this was a nice beer.

"So..."

"Hmm?" Another swig. Equally good.

"You doing okay?"

Back came everything. That minute's respite had been a pleasure. "It's... hard."

"Yeah, I bet."

"No, I mean..." Down went my glass. I needed total concentration. "I can't explain it, not easily. How I'm feeling."

He nodded, resting his muzzle in the crook of his thumb. I wanted him to fill the gap somehow. Take the reins from me and just talk and let me sit here in my pit. No such luck. I'd have to take charge.

"My first thought... the overriding one, is that I've met them. Or at least, I've met my... her."

"Yeah."

"I know now, right? I know who she is." My chest started to weigh heavier. I needed my glass again. "_How_she is. Even if she barely wanted to know me. Even if I barely got the chance. All that work for... minutes."

He stared down at his own drink, one finger tapping the rim. I watched the barmaid turn to the spirit shelf, hitting play on a stereo in the corner. Soft rock playing at little more than a whisper rose to the painted rafters, adding to the old boys' chatter across the pub. No hindrance to what Sasha had to say.

"It's her loss. It's all of their losses." I had nothing to offer back. No words, not even a look to acknowledge him. "I don't want this to be sounding like an 'I told you so', or anything like that... but your real family, they're back at home. Ain't no doubt that they're gonna be wondering how you are, hoping you're having a good time and hoping you're safe."

"Yeah... probably. They'd be doing that no matter where I was."

"No shit!" His posture straightened. Volume kicked up a notch. "Because they care about you. I don't think there's anyway they could treat you like one of the family, because you _are_one of the family. Family's about way more than blood... I think last night helped prove that."

I blasted a sigh through my nose, jaw collapsing down into my supporting paw. "Thanks for trying."

Sasha slumped back in his chair, head hanging. I couldn't leave it there. He'd done so much. He deserved more from me.

"I know you're right... I know it's true. Everything just feels so... fresh. Raw. Hurts like hell and I can't find a way to stop it."

"It's gonna."

"Then there's the guilt, too. Just like before. I did all this... and my parents don't know. Not a thing."

"Kaz, I told you before. Call them."

"I can't!"

"'Course you can. It'll barely be evening back home--

"It's not that."

"Then what?"

"I can't talk to them. Not yet."

"Why not?"

If only the music was louder, or the pub busier. Sasha would wait for as long as it took for an explanation. "It's hard to explain." I tugged at my shirt, fur close and itchy beneath it. "I feel like I've ruined everything."

"You ain't ruined nothing," he insisted, the slam of his paw rocking the table. "We've still got a few days left and we can totally make the most of them. We've only seen one city so far. We should get out and see more."

"I wasn't--"

"Maybe we can hop on a train and cross the border into Loirany. Or maybe keep right on going all the way down to Estordor, down to the beaches. Hit up the nightlife on the Kostaldeas. Let you enjoy all that electric static music you love so much."

"Thanks." I snorted, poking at my beer glass. "But when I was talking about ruining everything, I was more talking about--"

"Your family, I know." He flashed a grin, bumping my arm. "I'm messin' with ya."

"Good to know you still can't take a damn thing seriously." I jabbed him back. Even managed my own smile.

"For real, though. You haven't ruined a thing. 'Cos like you say, they don't know."

"But_I_ know. I did this. I've created this."

"Created what?" His voice grew a frustrated edge.

"It's all out the bag now. I always knew I had a... birth family out there, but now I've met them. Seen them. Even if they don't wanna know, it's changed things." I threw the last of my beer down my neck. "I don't know if I can go back to living the same as I was before."

"Talk to them, man." He clasped my shoulder. "If I know your parents, they'll understand. Hell, I understand." I turned to him. Watched his smile grow both in size and in warmth. "I didn't before, but being there last night, hearing what they said. What you said... I get it now. I'm sorry for being so shit about it all before."

"It's fine," I said, offering him a paw. "You're good."

Sasha took it with a slap, leaning in to surprise me with a strong, one-armed hug. I wanted to say so much more. I wasn't sure how I could ever express my full gratitude to him, but I could damn well try. "I'm glad you were there last night."

"I am, too." He patted me on the back as we released. "Just wish I coulda... helped more."

"You did plenty. Honestly."

His eyes narrowed with his cheer, ears springing full upright. My tail swayed, brushing between the legs of my chair and the table. That numbness faded. The grieving eased, if only for a moment.

"The idea of Estordor's still there, by the way." Sasha downed the dregs of his drink, finishing with a sigh of refreshment. "If you're up for it."

"We've still got another night booked at the hotel."

"Hmm..."

"You'd seriously forgotten that?"

"No," he insisted with the enthusiasm of someone who had. "Guess I just didn't think about it."

"It's hardly a minor thing."

I got back a shrug. "Maybe we can cancel it. Try to get our money back."

"And if we can't?"

"Then we check out anyway."

"You're_seriously_ happy to throw fifty Krona a piece down the drain?"

"'Course I ain't happy, but either way the money's gone."

"Don't ever let it be said that you're tight with money... gods."

He smirked, idly spinning his empty glass atop its coaster. "I figured we could make up for it some by taking the overnight train. Works out about thirty Krona each with the exchange rate. If we go tonight, we can be hanging out on the beach by tomorrow morning." My ears perked. "Yeah, exactly."

"You really have been thinking this over."

"Hell yes I have." He pulled out his phone and waved it. "Good for killing time in a taxi. And in a hotel room... _And_while you're at the bar buying drinks."

I huffed a laugh. "Yeah, well it's your turn to get the next round in."

"All good." His tail swept the wall as he struggled out from his corner of our alcove. "Same again?"

"Please."

I watched him swagger past the empty table between ours and the bar, contentment spreading to the squirrel barmaid. Sasha was having a good time. Still. Last night hadn't spoiled things for him at least. That helped.

His phone sat waiting beside his empty glass, calling out to remind me of its owner's advice. We weren't far past lunchtime here. That meant they weren't far past dinner time back home...

A paw snuck into my pocket, nursing my own phone out and up onto the table. A call might help ease me. It might help all this make more sense... and anyway, after what I'd put myself through these last few days and weeks, what difference could yet another poor life choice really make?

Tsk. I batted that idea away. Things weren't that bad... Okay, they were_bad_, but... I wasn't quite sure what point I was trying to make to myself. Fuck, I wasn't sure about much of anything, all except that I wanted another drink.

Sasha remained waiting on that front. The barmaid had disappeared somewhere... He glanced over to find me watching.

"Changing the barrel," he called. In Velikan. My attention jumped to the old boys over by the fireplace. They weren't interested in anything but their own slang-filled conversation.

"Cool," I replied. He turned back to the bar. My phone drew me back in.

It wouldn't take much. One poke to activate it. A swipe of my access code... Address book. Just like that. To hell with it. I finished it off with a press at 'Home'. The screen turned black, that word bold and bright, front and centre. Dialling...

One ring. Two. A third... Whatever urge nudged me over the line dispersed. Something else pulled me all the way back again. A finger smothered the cancel button. The rest shoved my phone back into my pocket.

I threw myself back in my chair hard enough to tip it. The alcove wall kissed the back of my head. No more damage caused beyond what I'd already self-inflicted.

Eyes wrenched closed, fingers to my muzzle bridge, I couldn't stop the memory of the night before from screaming back. Front and centre, my birth mother sat in her distant armchair. All of her coldness... The tears, more for herself than for me. The skunk stepfather, if that even made sense, watching on the whole time, never leaving the notch between confused and indifferent. All except for when he found anger at my lowest, weakest point.

I forced it away. I forced them both away. I picked myself up and ran, until I made it all the way back to The Roscha three long days ago. My parents. My parents watched over me from our front porch, eyes gloomy, tails curling ever tighter around themselves as I shuffled further and further down our front path.

A blade drove deep into my centre. The pain resonated outward, driving up my throat to start my jaw clenching and my eyes stinging. How could I have ever done this?

"Hey..." I heard Sasha place two glasses to the table. "Stupid question, but... what's up?"

I sucked air between my teeth. All I could squeeze out was a mangled mess of squealing.

"What's on your mind?"

"This was a mistake," I forced out into the open.

"What was? Do you... D'ya wanna go someplace else?"

"I'm half tempted to go home tonight." A sharp intake of air helped clear the carnage. I could ease my eyes open again. "Pay the airfare." A sniff and a wipe of my cheek fur got me back to somewhere approaching composed. "Screw it, I can save up again."

Sasha crammed and settled himself back into his seat, grasping his drink. "I'd do that." He watched it with ears half-splayed. "If you really wanna."

I pulled my eyes away as he peered up to meet them. The white walls went easier on me. "I don't know... Gah, sorry. I'm all over the fucking place right now."

"It's cool."

"I'm sorry for what I said back at the hotel yesterday."

"That's cool, too. We've been over this."

"I know, but..." I hauled myself back to the table. Sasha's patient smile welcomed me. "You've been there for me since... forever, and I made that sound like a bad thing. It was shitty of me."

"Hey." Up went his paws in front of him. "All's forgotten."

"I am sorry, though--"

"I get you!" He nudged the drink he'd bought me closer. "Relax."

The glass chilled my pads as I took it. No match for my warming cheeks. I was making this weird. Sasha didn't want to keep hearing this. I needed to button it and quit spoiling the day. Here I was, in a pub, with a good beer. Stop. Get over it. No need to keep on whining.

"I did kinda wanna know one thing," Sasha said, watching me from beyond my beer glass.

I cut a long gulp short, let the taste swamp my mouth before clearing to respond. "What about?"

"Yesterday. In our room. All that talk about The Roscha."

Back to the table went my glass. A nod offered him the go ahead to continue.

"Are you really that unhappy there?"

"I don't know. I'm still..." I sighed. The pause wasn't enough to make sense of my thoughts. "My head's still not right."

"Sure, sure." He reached back to scratch his shoulder blade. "Yeah, that makes sense."

"I guess... Look. I still feel like there's more. There's still more out there for me."

"A better job?"

"A better job. A better... a better situation, maybe. Like you said... I think I've just taken the easy route for myself, and not looked for more beyond it. That includes settling for a job thirty minutes from my parents' house."

"Yeah." Sasha sat back, paw left resting under his shirt collar. "But there's plenty people our size guilty of that." He looked to me, firming up his tone. "Y'know, honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with staying close to home... but then you gotta do what you gotta do. And if that means moving away to someplace like Polcia, then so be it."

"I wasn't thinking of coming to Polcia."

"You weren't?"

"I don't think so... Not for good at least." A chill sent my fur raising. "And not now. Not anymore."

That seemed enough to satisfy Sasha's curiosity for the time being. We sat muted at the table, sipping our drinks. His eyes developed a familiar glaze as he stared off past me, into the distance. Whatever he had going on behind them kept him well and truly occupied.

That left me all alone there with my own thoughts. I did what I could to stray away from them. After that last day or two, I think I'd earned some peace from myself.

Around us, the bar remained its sleepy self. Those two old friends continued their chatting over a glass of ale. Some paint-flecked bull had occupied another table here, reading a paper while enjoying his own drink. A late lunch break from a nearby decorating job, maybe.

Above it all, the background music continued. More guitars, more drums, more singing. Not my kinda thing, but I sure didn't mind it. Easy listening at least, and nowhere near as bad as the thought-welcoming silence.

"Hey," Sasha mused. "Common Castles."

"What?"

"This is a Common Castles track."

"Oh..."

His fingers drummed the table along with the beat, face lifting and brightening until he couldn't help half talking, half singing along.

"Hey, Kaz." His ears stood up like points. "I was thinking."

"Yeah, I'd noticed."

"'s like that, is it?" he cracked. "I hope tryin' to get my brain moving wasn't too distracting."

"Nah." I waved that away. "I mean you were so far out of it, I could've had both my drink and yours before you even noticed."

"You reckon?" His brow arched. "You can give it a go."

"We'll see," I sneered, breaking in a chuckle and getting the same back in kind. "What's on your mind?"

"Your Dad."

"Back home?"

"No." Sasha hung. Positivity on pause. "Here."

Record scratch. Back into the hole I went. Thanks, Fox. "What about him?"

He studied the table, mouth crossed by a finger. I guessed well in advance what was coming. "You think you'll look for hi--?"

"I don't know." These peaks and troughs were exhausting. "I mean... I literally can't find him." I sank down, arms crossed and head dipped. "Plus... if he wanted to find me, he would have already." My eyes rose, scouting for a reaction. "Right?

Sasha offered a nod, and something approaching a genuine smile. Not enough to stop me pondering. How would I even start to look? Did I even _want_to? If my so called mother was only too happy to send me on my way, scrub me out of her life like the mess of a mistake I was, then what would my father do? My train of thought began to derail. The dizziness threatened to throw this whole pub onto its side.

"Talk to your parents." Those words, bold and direct, cut through it all. Sasha's gaze dug deep enough to support against the swaying. "If you want to. Down the line."

"Yeah, yeah--"

"I'm sounding like a broken record, I know, and gods know I don't like talking to mine about stuff." He swayed and hopped, repositioning himself in his seat. "I ain't pretending to even begin to know how you're feeling right now, but... Listen, just promise me no more government secret agent shit, yeah? No more planning on flying halfway 'round the world alone."

My beer sat ready in wait. It came to me easy. Went down easier, either with the smooth taste or the medicinal buzz that followed. "Look," I snapped. "I ain't..." Fierce words crumbled into muffled, mumbled noise faster than I could form them. I had to rebalance. "I don't wanna talk about him. Or my birth mother. Or that skunk."

"Shit." The table shook from his fist striking the table. Both our drink and his splashed. The bull peered over past the top of his paper "I don't wanna talk about him, either. Guy was a prize prick."

"No argument here."

"I don't know how you didn't go off at him the way he spoke to you--"

A buzz rippled through my thigh. My ears bolted upright.

"What's up?"

Then again. Two and two made four just in time for me to grab my phone on its third ring. "My parents."

"Calling?"

"Yeah." The maths proved tougher for Sasha. "I rang them while you were at the bar."

"Right." He watched it rattle again. "Plan on answering it?"

'Home' screamed out at me from the screen. Another vibration asked me the same again.

"Kaz?"

I pressed 'Answer'. "...Hello?"

"Hello!" Ma's full-blooded reply helped jolt me up out of my seat. "Sorry, I missed your call."

"That's okay--"

"I was speaking with Mr. Boyko next door..."

The bull, those two old boys, the barmaid. Sasha. They were all here within earshot. Yeah, only one of them could understand, but... I needed some space.

"How are you?" Her excitement travelled all the way down the phone line. "Is everything okay? How's Polcia?"

"I'm fine." I came close to tripping over and clearing the table on my rush to get free. "One second. I'm just gonna go someplace... quiet."

Sasha's muzzle twisted, arms out with palms to the ceiling. I held up a finger to tell him I'd only be a minute.

I found my way out of a back door, brisk air striking away my drink-fuelled haze.

High walls bordered a small patio I stepped out onto, separating it from the surrounding brick houses. A couple of old picnic tables helped create a makeshift beer garden.

The sound of traffic passing rolled in from beyond the rear gate. No quieter out here than back inside.

"Hi, Ma?"

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." I parked myself at the table closest. "It's fine."

"Are you sure? You don't sound like it."

"Yes," I insisted, failing not to add, "that question's all I get lately."

"If so, then something's up."

"Nothing's up!" Damn that sixth sense of her's. She could _always_spot when something wasn't right. Seemed that sense still worked even with a few thousand miles between us. "Sorry... I'm okay. Just been a busy few days."

"As long as you are."

That seemed enough to settle her. "How're things back there?"

That_on the other hand, that sent Ma off on a long, winding journey that must've touched _every detail of what'd happened back home while I'd been away. She spoke about Luka's latest test, and how much he'd missed having me there to help study. Then came Nadia, or as Ma put it, 'your sister'. It sounded like her latest relationship had hit choppy waters, bringing out the very best in her. Finally came Art, and the fact that he'd be back home soon for end of year study leave.

"Really?" My tail swept the floor, shoulders raising to match my voice. "That came around quick," I said.

"Very! I don't know where the time goes sometimes. I bet you feel the same over there, being on holiday."

"Yeah..." I rubbed my arm for heat. The cold breeze carried a sting with it. "You could say that."

"So?" Her tone lifted to a peak, full of anticipation. "What have you been up to?"

"Ah, you know. This and that."

"Like?"

Damn it. I scrabbled round for something. Nothing good lied in reach. "Sightseeing, mostly."

"That sounds fun!" Ma had enough enthusiasm for the both of us. "Where have you been? What have you seen?"

"Arlone."

"Have you got pictures?"

"Yeah... Some."

"Good!" So much bounce and eagerness in her words. "I'll look forward to seeing them once you get yourself back home."

I couldn't avoid her positivity. The world grew that much brighter. The wind lost its sharpness.

"Oh!" she blurted, halfway into song. "It sounds like your father's finished up out in the garden." The sheer size of her smile made it known down the line. "I'll go and grab him. He'll be glad you called. Might settle him down."

"Settle him down?"

"He's been begging me to let him call you." I heard a door open her end. "Don't tell him I said that."

"No... 'course."

"Was there something specific you wanted? Sorry, I don't think I ever asked."

No more chill to be felt out here on the patio. "Just wanted to catch up... To talk to you all." A warmth started in my cheeks, spreading itself through me. "I miss you."

"We miss you, too" she cooed. "Your father hasn't stopped joking about the big hole his smallest son has left behind."

I hacked out a laugh, ending with something close to a snivel. So much contrast... To that morning I left home. To that evening up on Victory Hill. That comforting glow grew to fill me, forcing my vision to dampen and blur. No amount of wiping could stop it. What the hell was I doing to myself? What was I doing here?

The back door opened behind me. Someone else stepped outside. I wiped and rubbed faster, clearing as much of the wetness as I could. Turned out I didn't do a great job of it.

"Hey, man. What's up?" Sasha placed our drinks at the table, setting himself down along with them. "What's happened?"

I shook my head, waving that or him or everything else away. That left him to watch on, head cocked as he, too, tried making sense of all this.

"Kazimir?" Dad called. "Are you there?"

"Yeah." That fell out as a messy, dour blurt of noise. "Hi."

"Are you alright?"

"You too?" I half laughed, half sniffled.

"What?"

"No... nothing." My head dropped into my paw. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Dad's creased up glare of bemusement found its way to me. "What for?"

I had to stop. To reassess everything. Sasha sat here watching, while Dad stood there waiting back home. "For not calling before."

"It's fine." Drama averted. "We know you're out there having a good time. No need to worry about calling us every five minutes."

"We_are_ glad, though," I heard Ma lean in to say, not wanting to leave any doubt. "It's good to hear from you."

"Definitely," Dad confirmed. "Glad to know you're safe.

That left a gap to fill. But... how to fill it? All I could think about was how completely unprepared I'd have been if my parents had picked up first time round. Sasha sat across from me, sipping on his beer, watching me squirm. Watching the difficulty of my position keep leaking down my cheeks.

I took in air. He wasn't against me. Neither were my family. These last few hours had got me all kinds of wrong. I needed to get my head straight. Coming out for beers probably wasn't the smartest idea.

"What have you two been doing so far?"

Thank the gods for my chat with Ma, and the readymade answer it gave me. "Sightseeing."

"Like what?"

Damn it. Again. I reached around for memories of what we'd done so far. Minus last night. I told him about the older buildings here, like the courthouse. Then came talk of the city centre, Unity Tower, and the tour that came before it. And of course, our quest to search out a good bar.

"Of course," Dad mocked, following up with a deep chuckle. "It wouldn't be a vacation without a few drinks along the way."

"You know it," I smuggled out amid the crossfire. "It _really_has been a good time for the most part." Was that for me? For Sasha, or my parents? No matter. It didn't disrupt the conversation any.

"So, what's next? What have you two got planned for the rest of the week?"

Dad's positivity, Sasha's patient eyes: they each pushed me along. The thought had been there, brewing. Time to let it out. "We're planning on taking a trip down to Estordor."

Sasha perked in an instant, the whole table hopping beneath him.

"Off into the sunshine, eh?" Dad quipped. "That sounds like a good plan to me."

"Happy you approve."

"When are you going?"

I looked to Sasha, expression matching his. "I think we're heading down there tonight. Nothing else keeping us in Arlone." His fistpump left no doubt over his opinion of that idea.

"Wow. Okay! You're sure not wasting any time."

"No. Trying not to. I've probably been guilty of that so far already." On went the brakes. The tangent took me a little close to the edge. "Hey, we should probably get away."

"Oh." That caught him by surprise.

"Figure things out. The trip south, I mean."

"Sure. Well, then. I suppose we'll wish you a safe journey."

"Thanks."

"Have lots of fun!" Ma called. "Take care."

"We will do."

"We look forward to seeing you soon," Dad added. "When will that be?"

"I guess... late Sunday afternoon, probably."

"Okay. Look forward to it."

"Me too." I paused to swallow. Tough work. "Love you all."

"Love you, too," my parents called in unison. A twinge, a cringe, but a desperately needed jolt to my heart. Perfect.

My phone went silent. Suddenly, I was sat back in Polcia, here on a cold patio with Sasha grinning at me like an idiot.

"So you're up for Estordor?"

"Why not."

"Tonight? As in tonight, tonight?"

"There's another?"

"Gods damn, you've changed your tune." His ears lifted, tail swaying almost like a wag. "Not that I'm unhappy at that."

"Clearly." I grabbed my half-full glass of beer from in front of him. "Fuck it, let's do it." Opening wide, I threw back and gulped down the whole thing. "I don't wanna be in Arlone anymore." I coughed through the fizz on my tongue and the prickle in my nostrils. "Not until we fly back home Saturday, anyway."

"Yes, man!" Sasha reached out, grabbing and shaking me by the shoulders. "Gonna have a good time."

"Hopefully."

"We're gonna have a good time." Up came his paw to offer two soft slaps on the cheek. "Imma make sure of it."