In Memory of My Little Brother
A small tribute to my little brother. It's already been two years but it's so hard to stomach that he's really gone. And to this day, his last words still ring in my mind. But when I see you again, Matt, I want my blue jacket back.
Matthew, my first furry friend and closest companion.
In Memory of My Little Brother, Matthew
How could this have happened?
Edward Riley gazed up at the casket, opened fully to reveal the dark-furred pup inside, dressed in that ugly white suit that he'd always despised. Around him, mourners mourned and cried, some more loudly than others, as more and more filed into the chapel to pay their respects.
How could he have let this happen? Why didn't the world stop to grieve? It wasn't right... He was far too young to--
"Edward?"
Edward looked over, his ears flattened against his head and his eyes blurred by his own tears. But he knew that voice well.
"Hey, Jeff," Edward managed so say through a voice choked with misery.
"May I?" Jeff Gardner, a normally wily and exuberant dog, asked. Edward nodded, sniffling. Jeff seated himself on the pew, looking down at the floor. "I've always hated this colour. You know, Matt used to always say the church should get new carpet."
Edward snorted. "Really? That's what you're concerned about now?" Edward returned his attention to the casket. Matthew Riley's body looked so peaceful, yet eerily still. It seemed nearly impossible to know that just a day ago, that pooch had been a near-infinite well of energy.
"Are you going to be alright?" Jeff questioned. "I know this has got be hellish for you..."
Edward scoffed. "You don't know shit."
"I know that's your brother right there."
"Jeffrey," Edward snarled warningly.
"And I also know how it feels to lose someone," Jeff continued, his voice starting to waver. Edward sighed heavily, wiping his eyes. "Edward, I can't make you feel better, but I can be here for you." Edward felt Jeff's paw on his shoulder. "If you ever want to talk or just need to be with someone, I'm here for you."
"Thanks," Edward said.
A loud feedback sound rang through the chapel, catching their attention. Pastor Taylor stood at the podium, his face impassive and somehow calming. His graying fur seemed to catch the light streaming in through the skylight and his eyes surveyed the assembled mourners, a commanding presence that made Edward feel at ease.
"Friends, family, everyone," the pastor began, his voice low and steady, each word carefully chosen and his tone measured. "We are here today to honor the life and memory of young Matthew."
Edward listened to the pastor absentmindedly, his eyes focused too closely on the casket. Some part of him wished that this was another of Matthew's stupid jokes or pranks. Yet he knew this was impossible. No matter how much he wanted it to be true. No matter how much he wished for the world to be different. He glanced around. The sounds of sobbing had become muffled, though not ended completely. He wondered if they felt as depressed as himself. Or if they understood just how it felt to lose Matthew.
"Edward?" Jeff said, snapping Edward of his thoughts.
Edward glanced over, but Jeff was pointing up towards the pastor.
"Would you like to say anything, Edward?" Pastor Taylor asked.
Edward swallowed, but stood, walking over to the podium. Pastor Taylor stepped back, taking his seat as Edward stepped up to the microphone. He remembered being asked to speak, but the reality of this moment his throat dry. What could he say right now? What was there to say about this situation that they didn't already know? And Edward knew that if he began to speak, he may well begin to sob and...
He started to cry again and rubbed his eyes. All eyes were focused on him and Edward fumbled with his words for the first few seconds before managing to say something.
"Brother, my brother," Edward said, wiping his eyes. He swallowed thickly and took a deep breath. "Of all of the things I've been asked to do, this has to be the most difficult. To know that my little brother is gone... Passed away..." Edward suppressed a sob; this was the first time he had spoken it aloud. "I know I'm not the only one grieving but I don't know how to make it easier on us. There's no way to pretend like we don't fully understand what this means. But I don't think Matthew would want us to cry. To be depressed or sad. Even at his worst, Matt was happy. He was excited and full of energy." Edward let out a small chortle, letting out a weak, forced grin. "We may have lost him... But we've had twenty-two excellent years with his smile, his laugh, his brilliance and creativity. We should celebrate what we've got and the memories we've created. Not focus on his death. I understand that I won't see him again in this life. But I believe that I'll see him again one day. And when I join him on the other side, I don't want him to think that I was miserable because of him. I don't want to face him again and say that I couldn't live my life because I was depressed. When I face him, I want him to be proud of how I lived and who I will become." Edward took another breath. "It's never easy to say goodbye... but I don't think of this as goodbye. I think of it as I'll see you again one day. But there's something that's bothering me."
Edward shrugged off his azure jacket. "Plain suits and white clothes never suited Matthew. He loved the color the blue. He'd be so disappointed if he didn't at least give him that."
Edward looked behind him. The gathered mourners were beginning to leave, returning to their cars. Others hung around, chatting with friends or family. Edward remained where he stood, beside the casket, lowered into the grave. A slight chill hung in the air and Edward, for a moment, regretted leaving his jacket in the casket.
"That was quite a speech," Jeff said, approaching. He held a flower in his paw and was gently pulling at its petals. "You know, he'd have been proud of that. Very proud."
Edward snorted. "Please. I sounded like I was about to lose it up there."
"You can't help how you feel," Jeff remarked, "and it's normal to be sad." He pulled off the first petal. "So, what'll you do now?"
"What can I do? Just live," Edward answered. "Honestly, I feel like hell. I should've been there... I should've--"
"Stop it! If you had been there, you'd have died too," Jeff scoffed. "But you're alive."
"Why didn't they execute that bastard?" Edward snarled. "He deserved to die! How could he have just--?!"
"That's not justice; it's revenge and that won't bring Matt back," Jeff reprimanded.
"It is justice!" Edward bellowed. "How could they let him get away with--"
"He didn't. He'll be in prison where he belongs until he dies," Jeff said.
"That's not good enough for me," Edward sobbed."They should've stabbed him like..." Edward began to cry and found himself pulled into Jeff's embrace. His tears began to soak into Jeff's clothing and his shaking frame nearly pushed Jeff over. "It's not fair."
"Life isn't fair," Jeff answered, "but we can make the best of what we have."
"So what do I do?"
"You keep going, like you said in your speech," Jeff said. "Keep moving forward."
Edward swallowed. "I wish I could have him back."
"Me too."
"But thanks for being here for me," Edward continued.
"That's all I can do..."
"I'll always be here for you, even if you don't think I am. I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me. I love you, Eddie. Thanks for being my big brother."