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Alia L. Jackson took her badass glass elevator all the way down to The Dungeon. That was the cool codename of her secret facility, where she met with her hip young squad. The doors opened, and she stepped out, switching her eye patch from one eye to the other, because she couldn't remember which eye was blind, or whatever. As Alia strode through the secure hallway, she chewed some gum. When the security bulkheads opened at the end of the hall, she spat her gum out, and stuck it to the wall. Because she was also a rebel, or something.

Then she remembered it was_her_ secret facility, and she spent seventeen minutes trying to scrape the gum back off. But then she got it stuck to her fingers, and when she tried to wipe her hands off on her cool leather trenchcoat, she got gum on that too. She was so frustrated she wanted to tear her hair out. Which meant she got gum in that, too. But in the end, she didn't care, because she wasn't part of your system, man.

Her crew awaited her in The Dungeon. There was Val, the hip young dragon with sparkly black scales. Once, he was called Valyrym, but now he's just called Val, because no one could pronounce Valyrym. Val was the muscle. And also, he had an attitude.

"You're late, bitch!" Val gave Alia L. Jackson the finger.

"I know you are." Alia popped some gum in her mouth, chewed it for a while. Everyone stared at her. Finally, when the silence was overwhelming and the tension was like a vice grip on your eyeballs, Alia spit the gum into her hand. She smirked at Valyrym, and stuck the gum to his head. "But what am I?"

SMASH CUT TO CREDITS

THE COYOTE PRESENTS

AN ASTERBURY PRODUCTION

STARRING

BUMBLEFOOT KINDERBASIL

SCARLET JOHNSON

Then there was Vatch, The Cool One. His job was to look cool, and get references. And by the way? He totally got that reference.

Vatch pulled his sunglasses down, and smiled at the camera. "I did."

SMASH CUT TO TITLE

The Dragon in the Dungeon: Reimagined: Volume One: Damn That's a Long Story

Then there was Krek, the smug, sarcastic one. He was a young, trim, black gryphon, and he was totally the hacker of the group. Right now, he was busy hacking SoFurry to insert himself into every sex scene on the entire sight.

Krek smiled at the camera. "You're welcome."

Oh, and Asterbury was there, too. He was the comic relief, only he was also a total badass, and he was dressed like a pirate fucked a box of crayons.

"Hey!" Asterbury snarled, flourishing his Technicolor Douchecoat. "You used that joke in last year's April Fool's story." Then he laughed, and folded his arms, leaning up against Valyrym. "Oh, that's right. It doesn't matter because no one reads these."

"Go fuck yourself, Asterbury," said the narrator, who sounded just like James Earl Jones, but was a cheaper sound-alike because we couldn't afford the real thing.

"Fuck you too, Simba's dad!"

"I get that reference," said Vatch, totally getting that reference.

"I read that fanfiction," smirked Krek, using an inappropriate dialogue tag.

"I fucked Simba's dad," said Alia, who totally did, because she wasn't part of your system.

"That's hot," ejaculated Asterbury, using an even more inappropriate dialogue tag. Because there was a time when that word meant to 'exclaim loudly', and not that other thing. But the idea of Mufasa rumbling in Alia's jungle was so hot that Asterbury did that other thing, too.

"And I...jizz...in my pants!" Asterbury shook and shuddered, singing.

"I get that reference." Vatch smirked and pulled down his sunglasses.

"Enough extraneous dialogue!" Alia shifted her eyepatch to the other eye. "It's time for the mission. We have to go save that dragon, with the thing on his neck."

"It's not nice to talk about Elyra that way," said Valyrym. "She just likes to hug him around the neck."

"Shut up!" Alia poked Valyrym on the chest. "That's a dumb joke and you should feel dumb."

"Bad." Vatch took his sunglasses off, because he wasn't impressed with that one. "The reference is bad, not dumb."

"You're bad, and dumb!"

Asterbury sighed, swirling a finger in the air. "The toilet's been flushed, but this story just keeps swirling without going down."

Valyrym stared at the urd'thin. "You're just mad that no one's ever gone down on you."

RECORD SCRATCH

Eager to escape that humiliating plot twist, Asterbury sent them all to the next scene.

SWIPE CUT

INTERIOR

SOME WEIRD HOUSE THING

"There's Alvaranox!"

Alia L Jackson pointed to the big green dragon, who was now extra badass looking, with a CGI black collar around his neck. That's right, the dragon was real, but the collar was CGI. Just like that Green Lantern movie everyone loved. Vatch put his sunglasses back on, because he got that reference.

"Hey, look, the Coyote remembered my fucking name. Good fucking job." Alvaranox snorted. That's right, we're R rated. We get all the F Bombs we want.

"Shut up! It's time for you..." Alia L Jackson strode forward, pulling her eye patch off. "To keep both eyes open!"

Vatch gave her double thumbs up, followed by double guns, for her great reference.

"What?" Asterbury stared at her. "That doesn't even make sense."

"Go thumb your nuts." Alia put her eye patch onto Alvaranox. "We're getting you out of here, Alv!"

"Very well, then." Asterbury pulled down his pants and put his thumb to his fuzzy nardledanglers. "Like this?"

Vatch turned his thumbs down.

Alvaranox pulled off his collar, thanks to the power of friendship. And eye patches. "Put your cake frosters away, Asterbury! Wait, aren't you a sexy bad guy?"

"Oh, who can keep these things straight anymore!" Asterbury shuffled forward, pants around his ankles, Easter basket jostling about. "Now, tell us who was keeping you captive all these years!"

"It was her!" Alvaranox pointed.

"Alia L Jackson?" Everyone gasped, and the collective vacuum caused the house to implode around them.

Alvaranox dug his way out of the rubble, pointing again. "No, behind her!"

Everyone else turned to stare. "The fifty foot macaroni art of Vatch being caught naked while hanging up his clothes?"

Vatch was turn between being embarrassed and impressed by the reference. He waggled his sunglasses.

"No, behind the fifty foot macaroni art of Vatch being caught naked while hanging up his clothes!"

"You mean the black urd'thin with the gray striped tail, and the cool guns, masturbating to his cool guns in that grove of trees?"

"No, slightly skewed to the left of the black urd'thin with the gray striped tail, and the cool guns, masturbating to his cool guns in that grove of trees!"

"You mean the-"

"It's Sunbird, alright? Sunbird! Sunbird is the villain of this story!"

Alia L Jackson snatched her eye patch off of Alvaranox. She put it back on over her own right eye. "Who the hell is Sunbird?"

Everyone turned towards Asterbury. He glanced around, shrugging. "What?"

Val strode up, because the only way anyone moves in these stories is by striding. "Isn't this where you say, that's Sunbird? And then out she erupts?"

"Oh, you mean like this? That's-" Asterbury spun towards Alvranox, pointing at his face. "Pink eye!"

"Great!" Alia tore her eye patch off. "Now I have pink eye!"

"I'm Sunbird!" A hip young golden female gryphon leapt out from behind the fifty foot macaroni art of Vatch being caught naked while hanging up his clothes. "Damn it! I missed my cue, didn't I." She turned away, and lashed out at the artwork, slicing away the macaroni that made up Vatch's sheath.

"Oh no!" Vatch grabbed his crotch. "She cut off Vatch dingus!" He blinked when everyone turned to stare at him. "I mean...uh...I get that reference?"

Meanwhile, Val was staring at Sunbird. She was the hottest most sexfully murrful gryphon he'd ever seen. "You make my dingus happy!"

"Why is everyone suddenly saying Dingus!"

"Hah!" Krek cackled. "Dingus. Hacked the story, made everyone say dingus."

"What is this garbage?" Sunbird tilted her head back, staring up at the sky. "I'm not even in a story you've posted anywhere but Wattpad, and you're already dragging me into this waste of time? Fuck this. I'm out."

When Sunbird turned away, Val stared at her ass. H's eyes popped out, cartoon wolf style. They wobbled and bounced back and forth, then flopped onto the ground. "AAAH! MY EYES! THIS IS EXCRUTIATINGLY PAINFUL!"

Suddenly, Korvarak appeared. "Excrutiatingly painful, huh? Sounds like my cue!"

Sunbird whirled around, ripping off her gryphon suit, and revealing herself as the DJ from a previous April Fool's story. Asterbury clapped twice and the DJ's turn tables parachuted out of the sky. Strobe lights and colorful spotlights popped out of the ground and hung from trees. The DJ started kicking out her smash hit, SURPRISE BUTTSEX JAM.

Everyone started raving. Except for the hip young Val, cause he was busy getting his muddy shoreline ravaged by Hurricane Korvarak. Asterbury twerked against Vatch, who totally backed that thang up. Alia L Jackson went to get some antibiotics for her raging pink eye. Alvaranox put his collar back on, because he'd rather wait another twenty years for his tale's completion than ever be stuck in this crap again. Then Krek took some bad E, and started freaking out. No one noticed until Krek ate everyone's face.

Except the April Fools DJ, and Korvarak, who were needed by their home planet, and flew off into outer space.

Vatch's last words were that he got that reference.

SMASH CUT

TO BE CONTINUED!

ROLL CREDITS

Scarlet Johansson as: Scarlet Johnson

Benedict Cumberbatch as: The April Fools DJ

Korvarak as: Valyrym

Asterbury's Testicles as: Everyone Else.

Directed By: Guillermo Del Toro Michael Bay McG!