Changes (for Noel Ari Hayes)
"10-84 flight to Boston, now departing," a loud voice in the background echoed over the intercom. There are at least 100 planes leaving the airport every day, but that didn't matter to me because there was nowhere else I wanted to be right now. I looked around to see all the smiles on everyone's faces. All these people so happy to leave; for me, I couldn't be happier to be back. I couldn't be happier to show everyone who I am, who I've always been. No longer will I have to hide the real me from the people I care about. Today was the day my parents would find out the truth about the daughter they've always had. A confidence filled my heart while walking up to those airport doors. The past three years have been the most incredible in my entire life. It brought out who I wanted to be... no, it brought out who I've always been, what everyone didn't want me to be. They may not like it but I'm Noel now, Chance was long gone. People would have to accept me because I'm not changing. But what if they don't accept me? What if they hate me? I pushed those thoughts aside as I exited the giant structure. The sun blinded me as I walked out, re-entering the world I knew. Wesson hasn't changed, even in the three years I left it.
I started toward my parent's house. Wesson was a small town so there was no taxi to take me, but it didn't matter; it may have been three years since I was home, but, somehow, I still knew the way. Everything just seemed so familiar. Even being in Japan couldn't change the knowledge of my own home I guess. I've been waiting for this day, to finally show my parents the me they've never known. At the same time though, I was scared, terrified. It was clear, back then, that if they found out what I was, they would reject me, ostracize me. They would deny me the right to who I am. I was hoping the years have changed them. You know they haven't changed. I had to tell my mind to shut up. I was scared enough as it is, I didn't need my doubts ruining my optimism. Even so, my excitement stayed with me the whole ride there. Whether they accept me or not, it still felt good to finally be free to show them who I am.
The trees looked especially nice today. I wasn't sure if it was because of my absence or my optimism. Either way, it calmed my nerves as I walked down the path to what may have been the most frightening experience I'll ever have. I was scared, but I think it was the suspense that really defined that fear. I couldn't stop wondering what they'll think of me. They're ashamed. They won't accept it. I couldn'tlet the fears get to me or I'd break down before I even got there. I had to stay strong and hope for the best. I am their daughter after all; they'd love me no matter what.
Before I even knew it I was in front of their house, my old home. It was three years ago when I was freed. Now I find myself here again to show them what they never knew they had. The walk up the pathway was terrifying. My mind raced trying to figure out how they would react. I stopped just before my hand tapped the door. Is this the right choice? What if they don't accept me? I sucked it up and knocked on the door. Whether they accept me or not they have to know. They have to know what I am, what I was, and what I've always been.
The door slowly opened, revealing my father. I watched as his eyes rose till they were staring into mine. His glasses only magnified the way his eyes widened.
"Cha... Chance? Is that you?" my father said, seemingly in shock.
"Hehe, yeah, it's me," I responded, voice filled with joy.
"What happened to you?" His voice only grew more surprised.
"Can I come in first, I'd rather explain it to both you and mom," at this, he stepped aside giving me room to walk in. The house hasn't changed one bit, but there was something there that wasn't there before, a growing uneasiness. I started to get a really bad feeling from what I was about to do. Intuition I guess. I walked into the living room and sat down as I watched my father go fetch mom. It felt like I was back home again, except this time, it's me that's here.
Father walked back into the room with mom and instantly I saw the same reaction as my father's, her eyes grew wide. There was something else I saw in her eyes though... disgust.
"What did you do!?" Her voice was already escalating. It was getting bad already; I just prayed in my mind that things would get better. They won't.
"I chose to be who I am. Your..." I felt uneasy, but there was no turning back, "your daughter." They gasped in horror. Dad started shaking his head, but mom kept her eyes right on me.
"What do you mean by that?" Her voice was growing more and more angry every time I heard it. I can tell that the breaking point was not too far away.
"I got a sex change; I'm finally the person I've always wanted to be, the person you stopped me from being," in order to keep up with the fight that was about to ensue, I had to start getting angry too.
Dad cut in, "But why would you do this?" I heard sadness in his voice that, if it were anything but this, would have made me feel guilty.
"I already told you..."
"Because she doesn't want to be normal," my mother didn't want to give me a chance to talk. I saw the anger in her eyes; they were pointed right at me.
"I am normal, I am the person I was born to be, is there something wrong with that," at this point the argument turned to yelling.
"You're sick, I hope you know that," my mother said, staring me right in the eyes, "How can you be my son, I know I raised my son better than this?"
"That's the point," I screamed, "I was and always will be your daughter." Her face looked appalled at this last remark.
"But weren't you happy as who you were?" father threw in. His voice grew more and more sorrowful. I wanted to sit calmly and help them understand, but mom threw away any chance of that. Sorry dad, don't blame me.
"I am happy with who I was because I've always been this way, you were just too busy trying to control me to notice."
"I guess we couldn't make you happy could we, I don't know what we did wrong," mom put on that condescending voice that I hated. That voice that just shows how she thinks she's superior. I wanted to tear that voice away from her.
"No you couldn't. The sad thing is you didn't even try. Instead you went out of your way to make my life hell by forcing me to be someone I'm not, by forcing me to fit the role of your perfect son. Every day was another struggle for me. You made it that way. You made me suppress who I am. Why couldn't you be one of those loving supportive parents? Why couldn't you have been a good mom? Why couldn't you love me?" I was screaming; I felt tears role down my face. I came here to show them who I am; I came here to help them understand. Instead, all I got was a reminder of how they will never change, a reminder of all the trials I went through three years ago.
"Get out! Get out right now you abomination!" It was like I didn't come from her and, to be honest, I wish I didn't. I wish I had a loving caring family that respects me for who I am. I guess I asked for too much.
"Fine!" I yelled back at her, "Never ask yourself why I left, just look at yourself, and if you don't see it, then you're pathetic." I slammed the door shut and walked away, this time for good. I didn't really know where I was going, but I needed to get out of there. How could they be so cruel? They didn't have the right to say they love me. They didn't have the right to say they were my parents. Fuugin's family was a better family to me than they will ever be or ever understand. I guess I knew this would happen in the end. I should've seen it coming. I just thought that, with years they would change. I guess I was wrong. It doesn't matter though, I will always be myself and they will always be their selves. Things just don't change.